It’s the last cover snark of 2006, and we Smart Bitches have braved the seared retina of cover horrors to bring you one last dose of art department madness. Have a happy and a healthy mantitty new year!
BevL forwarded us this piece of majesty with the following commentary: It’s just not right. And since I can’t put my finger on what exactly it is about this cover that makes me curl my lip up and cringe, I figured I’d bring it to your attention and maybe you and Sarah can put it into words.
We’ll sure as heck try.
Sarah: Bugman’s got a brand new ass – on TOP of his old ass, and he didn’t get a new pair of spidey pants to go with it. What a sad Hanukkah for Bugman.
Candy: Justin Timberlake, high off his “Dick in a Box” success, is tapped to play Fairy in a Closet—except he misunderstands and dresses as the wrong kind of fairy.
Kathryn went above and beyond the call of duty to bring us a scan of both the front AND the back of this fine cover art she found in the book drop of her library.
Sarah: Apparently the grinch made good by setting off a paintbomb in the fireplace. By the vacant look of those two? I’m hoping the paint is highly radioactive.
Candy: Nothing says Christmastime like toasting marshmallows in the glow of a thermonuclear blast in the fireplace.
Kathryn also asked us to pay particular attention to this oddity, which I isolated in Photoshop so we can all share in the holiday horror:
Sarah: There are. No words. Except these seven: PUT THAT DICK BACK IN THE BOX!
Candy: Dude, his cock is so huge, it has to be strapped down near his shoulder. Size queens, take note of this man.
Sarah: We don’t as a rule snark cover copy, but wow. The art department clearly hit the same spiked nog as the copy department when this egg was hatched. “Duncan enjoyed her joy??!”
Candy: And nine months later, little elves emerged, a by-product of Duncan enjoying the joy just a leeeetle too intensely to remember to put a stocking on Santa, if you know what I mean.
Sarah: Over Christmas weekend, my dog Logan was constipated to the point that on 12/24 a trip to the emergency vet was required. He received two mammoth enemas and, according to reports from those present, he made that same face. The one on the right, I mean.
Candy: Dude’s Solstice Craving is some Metamucil, or maybe some bran. He has an inner beast, and his inner beast is severely obstipated.
Sarah: All together now! Tie me kangaroo down, sport! Tie me kangaroo down! It’s too small to give me some head, Fred, so tie me kangroo down!”
Candy: You have to admit, it’s really cutting-edge and brave of Harlequin to publish a romance about a pre-op tranny getting her greatest Christmas wish. Though I wish she’d hooked up with somebody who looked a great deal less smirky and greasy.
Mothman is wrong on too many levels to count. Was he clawed by Catwoman on the thigh there, in the tatters of his Spiderman pants? Did she want his funky jewelry for her own, or perhaps as a gift for Batgirl?
Dr. Cox (snort). It’s perfect considering the size of his radioactive dick. But truly, my first thought when I saw the cover was: Whatever Christmas angel peed all over this unfortunate couple needs to get to the infirmary for antibiotics, stat.
And obviously Dr. Cox enjoyed her joy until he fell into a coma.
I think Solstice Craving Man is about to sing, about to launch into an aria of mammoth proportions. Run, while you still can.
Come on, Mr. Male for Christman is totally whacking off under the blanket. Obviously, he’s too happy with himself to let her jingle his bells.
I’m so glad I popped in here just before I shut down for the day. Cover snark is such a nice prelude to a big, giant glass of wine.
Okay, regarding the first cover for Fey Born, those are actual fly wings coming out of his back, and with the spiderwebs superimposed over his pants and body, so it gives the creepy perception of a fly stuck on a spider web. Also, his pants are way too tight, squeezing his little “package” down to nothing.
For The Grinch Makes Good, what god awful looking hair and body on this guy! That gold color makes me want to puke. Yes, there is something radioactive going on here and it’s turning her into a vampire, from the look on her face. Perhaps the radioactivity is making his body fall apart…there is definitely something wrong with his legs. I think his left leg is falling apart. Maybe that’s why his big dick sprung up so high and is hitting his shoulder. Or maybe that’s just his knee with the rest of the leg fall down through his pant leg? And why are they calling this poor girl a Ho?
On Solstice Craving, I think the look is from the moment when the enema wand was stuck up his rosebud. I imagine he turned around and clawed the shit out of the veterinarian with his newly done French manicured nails.
Finally, on the Male for Christmas cover, I think the guy is jacking off while looking at his boyfriend the cover artist. There’s nothing on that cover to support the “steamy, festive and forbidden” blurb on the top. How many people go to bed fully dressed and have sex? Wow, that’s really steam and forbidden! And both of their hair is coiffed. It looks like they’ve been up for a couple of hours already showered and dressed and then decided to climb under the covers to give each other presents. Huh?
Not to bring back the Spectre of Discussions Past, but, uh, wouldn’t “Grinch” be off-limits, as in copyrighted, especially when this book was written … ?
(I’d sure as hell be tempted to nickname Dr. Cox “Screwge” anyway.)
I’m sure if the Fairy Godmother was holding a stagette, then this bloke’s Cobweb-themed ass-less chaps would be quite appropriate, I should think. See – he already has a few silver coins tucked onto his belt! Take it off, Robin VERYGoodfellow! Take it ALL OFF! Whoo!
At first, for the Grinch, I didn’t notice how his dick hung so low he threw it over his shoulder like a continental soldier. I saw the cover and thought it was a romance between a sexy workaholic oncologist who obsessively checks all of her one-night-stands for lumps, and a sickly back-up dancer for “Pirates of the Caribbean: the Musical” whose thought his lymph nodes were swollen because they were happy with his success.
Look – her eyes aren’t on his face, they’re examining the tumours while pulling at his hair to see if he’s started chemo already. *lol*
For “Solstice”, I know this is immature, but the first caption that came to mind was “Surprise buttsecks!”
And as for “Male for Christmas” – Benjamin Bratt, you dumped Julia Roberts and Miss Congeniality for HER?
Holy crap damn, AnimeJune, you’re right! I thought that expression looked familiar!
I would just like to add my own Holiday excerpt folly here…
http://www.ellorascave.com/
Ellora’s Cave
Smooth Ride By Cash Cole
With no place to go as winter rolls into eastern Oklahoma, Dane must ultimately accept the warmth Leo offers him. As the holidays approach, LEO PROVES TO BE A GIFT THAT KEEPS ON GIVING.
Um, yeah sounds more like like Leo has clap or crabs or herpes or something. Better get that checked Dane.
It must be surprise buttsecks. The Grinch copy even says so—he secretly fills her stocking. Twelve times. Nudge nudge.
Ho-Ho-Hold Me. And toucha toucha touch me. There’s a light….
Put a bustier on Mr. Greasy Male for Christmas and we can all do the Time Warp.
Now that I look at him again, Mr. Australian Male looks like Adrian Zmed from his Dance Fever days, though he definitely lacks originality, execution, and showmanship.
OMG, what a way to end the year.
Dr. Cox with the dick over his shoulder? Not very subtle, are we, copy department?
And you told us if we bought the ads you wouldn’t harm the bunny. Candy’s photo is making me very suspicious.
The first dude has some radioactive nipple thing going on with deathrays shooting out of it.
And the guy in Male for Christmas is totally George Hamilton, ca. 1980. Probably thinking, “Australia—yess!! Year round tanning!!”
I hate to repeat myself (okay, no I don’t), but Mothman should STAND THE FUCK UP STRAIGHT and not look like this:
http://pics.maunier.org/super_gay.png
Really.
And no, none of you can have my apple mead recipe. Six months later it’s 20% alcohol and ABOUT DAMN TIME.
Okay, I didn’t expect that to show up as an image.
Is it just me, or does mothman have that startled look of a fairy who’s just turned a corner and spotted a hella flyswatter coming down?
And come on…Duncan Cox? DUNCAN COX? *OMFG!*
Well, he’s been dunkin’ it into something, that’s for sure. Like a big ol’ vat of growth hormone.
And I don’t know about surprise buttsecks, but it looks to me like Mr Solstice’s shower buddy likes to start off the foreplay with a little off-screen towel snappage.
I happen to know who the Solstice model is…and I hope you all slap your own fingers after I tell you.
That is Joe Cocker before he performed at Woodstock. Hella toxic environment, that place was…kind of like Andersonville with lots of drugs.
Re: “The Grinch Makes Good”: the sad thing is, this isn’t even the worst cover I’ve come across in the library.
My dilemma now is what to do with the dang thing, which is shamefully hidden in my apartment. Do I keep such a beautiful prize to myself? Do I send it out into the world to traumatize someone else? Do I add it to the collection of mouldering Harlequins in the library basement? The ones with titles like “Nurse Gladys in Love?”
ACK! I pull up this site and THERE IT IS AGAIN— Fey Born’s cringe-worthy, whiney, wimpy cover! ACK!
Now as to Solstice and Wolf Boy? Geesh! Haven’t you ever watched a cheapo porn? The boy is gettin’ himself a blowjob and the look on his face is called ACTING!! You SB’s obviously don’t know how to appreciate a good skin-flick grimace of ecstacy! *snort*
The Australians? Besides the fact that she’s wondering where that foul smell is coming from (check under the covers hun), and besides the fact that he obviously has no interest in her but is preening for the camera man, let me just say that I do not—indeed CANNOT—buy books with this type of cover pic. Ever. Doesn’t matter what’s between the covers, I would be physically ill if I picked this type of book up. Seriously.
And now, may I just say that the Grinch cover should be placed into a Cover Hall of Shame as the worst cover ever. E-V-E-R. No need to elaborate on why it deserves this honor.
On the last cover: Who knew that Eric Estrada was really Australian?
He’s forgotten what he’s supposed to be doing (acting, presumably?) & he’s smiling for the camera instead.
Not fair, not fair, I got a 12 hr stomach bug 3 days ago and yesterday I pulled the already strained muscles in my lower back after trying to put some real clothes on and today you make me laugh so hard I am going to need narcotics.
Another good giggle to start the day.
That last cover though, doesn’t it remind you of all the star couples where you see one slathering the other with devotion, while the other looks around for the best camera angle so he/she can work it. You look on the red carpet for this exact pose and you know whos heading for splitsville sometimes soon.
BTW, do the laws of physics state that a thermonuclear explosion fireplace can bend light to reflect on surfaces it doesn’t strike, or does Dr Wonder Cox cock glow with its own unearthly luminescence?
On the last cover: Who knew that Eric Estrada was really Australian?
Now see I was going to ask when this book was published, because if it’s relatively recent, I was going to suggest that it’s really mean to make fun of Roy Horn like that after his terrible accident. But I can see the early Ponch resemblance, too.
As for the Alison Kent cover, I’ve been hoping she’d give some feedback, especially about that giant lighted penis. It reminds me of something out of those “sublminial advertising” classes—you know, the ones where they show how the Howard Johnson’s fried clams featured on the box are posed to look like they’re having an orgy, or how the ice cube in some liquor commercial features a ghostly figure of a naked woman.
‘Is it just me, or does mothman have that startled look of a fairy who’s just turned a corner and spotted a hella flyswatter coming down?’
Butterfly net. All winged magical creatures can be trapped by a butterfly net.
Source: The Fairly Oddparents, Nickelodeon
Mothman is definately Scott Stapp of Creed. Check out his mug shot
http://z.about.com/d/crime/1/0/6/8/stappscott.jpg
Since this is the second holiday weekend in a row where we are getting snow that is measurable in FEET not inches, I was getting just a little bored with being snowed in AGAIN. But your cover snark was so hilarious that I have decided to put on all of my gear and go dig out the front porch for the sixth time in 8 days. Thanks for the laughs. Looking forward to more snark in 07.
As for the Alison Kent cover, I’ve been hoping she’d give some feedback, especially about that giant lighted penis.
Yeah, I’ll give you some feedback. 🙂
That was not my title; editorial did that, and I use every opportunity I can to make sure that fact is known!
Actually, my editor at the time (no longer there) wanted to call the book “Ho, Ho, Hold Me!” – which she managed to write into the back copy anyway.
Duncan Cox was all my doing. 😉
And when you think about Santa’s Little Helper being the Simpson’s dog, well, it’s best not to go there . . .
Eeeek! That damn Fey Born cover is stalking me in rela life, as well as haunting my nightmares! nooooooo
*ahem*
Jebus, the cover art and copy for The Grinch Makes Good makes me need a drink.
Nonono, the smirky and greasy one is the pre-op tranny of course. The other one is his girlfriend. Why should a pre-op trannie look that feminine?
In the last one, I don’t think the woman is a pre-op tranny. The guy is post-op at best. The woman, however, does remind me of a Stepford wife or one of those realistic sex dolls.
Ya know, I was thinking that the Christmas male looks more like a young Tony Danza, what with that hair and that smirk.
I saw Fey Born while shopping today and had to pick it up to see what it was all about. The story actually looks kind of interesting, but I just couldn’t make myself buy it, even at 25% off, I was afraid the cashier would never respect me after seeing that.
Male for Christmas
And *what* for the other 364, pray tell?
@Male for Chirstmans:
omg, it’s jeff goldblum circa Earth Girls Are Easy!!
eeeewwwwww
Nice tranny