Categories: Random Musings
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by SB Sarah • Tuesday, October 11, 2005 at 06:20 AM
Inspired by this awesome list of things that only happen in movies, we present 15 (or so!) things that only happen in romance novels?
1. If you go for a walk in Hyde Park, your incredibly well-groomed and impeccably trained horses, or someone else’s, will go wild and start a dangerous rampage through the trees.
2. A secondary or tertiary character who suddenly reveals something personal about themselves for no apparent reason in a romantic suspense is going to DIE DIE DIE.
3. One kiss of the hero/heroine has the power to create irresistible powers of lust that cause one or both parties to toss off their clothing, even if in the corner of a house hosting a ball attended by thousands of nosy people.
4. A corollary: once the hero and heroine have divested themselves of enough clothing, or gone past 2nd base, no matter what the location, they will rarely if ever be discovered or caught, even if in the corner of a house hosting a ball attended by thousands of nosy people.
5. Laudanum will soothe the pain of anything from a minor headache to six bullets in one’s left buttcheek. And it tastes like crap warmed over, but the taste is easily masked by tea. Weak tea.
6. Despite the lack of cleanliness, the hero will survive a bullet to the shoulder, arm, buttock or leg, even after “probing for the ball” with what sounds like a fireplace poke.
7. If there is a heroine, and if there is a riding habit, there will be a feather and it will be jaunty. It is the law.
8. No matter how badly the hero is wounded, he’s always up for some serious nookie. Gut shot? Perforated lung? Brain trauma? Doesn’t matter. Wild Willy is ready and willing for the ride.
9. American girls ALWAYS have more leeway and freedom to act like slutbags, unlike their stuffy English counterparts.
10. During an age when most people didn’t bathe often, and no matter what the ambient temperature of the ballroom and the number of powdered, stinky people surrounding her, the heroine will always smell delicately of orange blossoms, spring roses, or something equally appealing.
11. The villain is the only ugly person with significant air time in the book. A handsome villain will become the hero of the sequel.
12. If there’s a gay villain, you can bet on him being a pedophile too.
13. Alcoholism and other problems with addiction can be dealt with in one, big detox session.
14. Nothing identifies a hero faster than an artfully tied cravat. But it never, ever makes him a dandy.
15. Every couple ever in the history of Regency England and following historical periods married for deep abiding love and rather flammable passion. But not one of them knows the others, because, as any matron will tell you, love matches are exceedingly rare.
Care to add more? I know you have suggestions!
Oh my lord. That was incredibly awesome! Seems to me that with the exception of one Romantic Suspense reference your list could almost be titled 15 Things That Only Happen in Historical Romances.
Here is another one: If a well-bred young lady finds herself inexplicably attracted to a lower class stableman, highwayman, butler, groom, etc.—he WILL reveal himself to be the long lost son of a Duke, Marquis, Earl...or occasionally the bastard son of a Prince.
SB Sarah said on...Good One!
And yeah, it’s mostly historicals, but we’re going to keep going with the contemporaries as our brains wake up.
Victoria Dahl said on...Oral sex is GREAT after riding under the hot Texas sun for days. Oh, the tangy goodness. ;-P
Oh, and ‘cause I can’t let this go:
If a book bothers to mention the fact that the hero didn’t use a condom, there WILL be a pregnancy, and through the magical power of Romancelandia, the book will morph into a secret baby tale.
Tonda said on...How about:
If the heroine has any familiarity with horses, she will have some kind of “magical” ability/connection with them. She isn’t ever just a fucking good rider.
If the hero was in the military, he must have been a rifleman (and always with the 95th, never with the 60th).
Every nobleman who wasn’t in the active military was a spy. No exceptions.
All heroines have gravity defying breasts, and thus no need for undergarments of any kind. Her boobs naturally hover in the vicinity of her collarbones (and all heroes are so fucking stupid that they’re unable to tell she’s going “full throttle commando” under her gown, and thus he is surprised when he undresses her).
No matter that it takes a good 30 minutes to an hour to dress to leave the house, if you’ve just had semi-public nookie, you can get your togs back on in a trice (mostly case you’re not wearing any underwear to slow things down!).
After partaking of al fresco lovin, there is never any “residue” to slide down the heroine’s leg or stain her filmy dress. Amazingly, historical heroes were all tantric gods who only let the jizz fly when a pregnancy would work in the story line.
These are awesome, ladies. Keep ‘em coming!
If the hero has been in the army, he will have fought at Talavera and/or Waterloo, but never at Bladensburg or Newark.
Lisa said on...After trudging waist deep through a steaming swamp , the hero and heroine, though exhausted, smelly, and probably chewed into dog meat by mosquitos, will have no problems getting it on, despite not having bathed.
ALL medieval heroes and heroines somehow managed to keep their pearly whites.
Here are a couple more:
If a historical hero had a previous marriage, the wife was always either: 1) a dishmop who died tragically in childbirth giving the hero angst 4 evah OR 2) a faithless slut who died en route to join her lovah, leeving the hero with women-hatin anger 4 evah.
If a historical heroine had a previous marriage the husband was always either: 1) an old feeb who could not consumate the marriage, leaving her pristine and untouched for the hero, who in his typical heartless manner thinks she is a slut 2) Is a younger degenerate (alcoholic, druggie, pedophile, homosexual, traitor, gambler,
If a heroine can bake a good biscuit her odds of snaring a misogynistic cowboy are approximately 100%.
YES! Thank you! EVERYONE has ALL of their TEETH!
If she’s a Saxon lady, she’s got the sight. With all these ladies having the sight, it’s a wonder they couldn’t forsee the Norman invasion.
I forsee a hell of a lot of good stuff coming. A master list should be compiled for sure!
>>but never at Bladensburg or Newark<<
Snrk. I love that one.
OMG, I’m not getting any work done here! You people are eeeeevil!
If the heroine’s a virgin, despite the pain of having manflesh in her, she’s still going to have multiple orgasms.
If there is an eyebrow, it will always be perfectly shaped and delicately arched.
Or that eyebrow will be in some manner described as having a “winged” effect.
Without the aid of cosmetic plucking or wax!
Oh - and the heroine will add color to her cheeks by pinching them. Ha. If I try that, I look like I just got smacked.
SamG said on...If the heroine is a deb, she will be the only deb that year that has a brain or character. The rest will be dull, dim or a conniving bitch…
And of course, that bitch will get her comeuppance…
Sam
No matter how stupid and unattractive the haircuts of the era were (think of the lovely bowl-cut popular for a large part of the high Medieval era) the hero will always be described as having long, flowing locks.
Armor is never A) heavy, or B) pointy (I have a scar from helping my boyfriend take off his breastplate at an event—nasty scrape down the boob—and yet in books and films couples can screw while the guy is suited up and no one ever seems to get hurt!).
It doesn’t matter what year a book is set in. If it’s set in Scotland, the man will be in a kilt. Doesn’t matter if they didn’t exist yet, or were proscribed (with a sentence of transportation!), that Highlander can’t go without. How else would we know he was a bad-boy, crag-dwelling, loch-swimming stud?
Oh, and my favorite from contemps: The uber-wealthy hero will find the slightly frumpy heroine amazingly attractive and alluring, mostly because of some inane thing (like the cookies she baked her kids, or the fact that her weakness is Kraft mac-n-cheese). He longs for middle-class normalness.
We’re doing well on historicals, so here are some rules for romantic suspense.
Despite being over 6 foot tall, heavily muscled with blinding white teeth and incredible good looks, the hero is always able to effortlessly blend into any setting by hunching his shoulders and looking a bit squinty.
If a ruggedly good-looking man is not obviously gainfully employed he invariably works for a secret government/military organisation combating Evil. If he’s rich, he probably runs it. His colleagues will also be similarly attractive and engaging. If he has an ugly or dull colleague, this man will die by page 250.
If he works for the military/police/fire service/government, if not still working for them, he will have a special ops background (Delta force, SEALs, Rangers etc.). In fact, the SEALs are pretty much like the cub scouts for Heroes. Any physical injuries sustained during this career will only serve to make him more attractive.
If a heroine is raised by just one parent, then she will either be a) not that person’s child or b) one parent will have a deadly secret.
The timing of the discovery of Dr. Evil’s secret identity by the hero is synchronised exactly to the heroine’s desperate act to relieve her frustration by doing something to draw out said villain.
All villains will exhibit signs of sexual depravity. In fact, all villains are insane and depraved.
Serial killers always fixate on the heroine.
In older romances, the hero will arrive just in time for a rescue. More modern romances will allow the heroine to almost escape just as the hero arrives to save her.
Only the heroine may physically fight a villainess.
Feklar said on...If it’s a medieval, viking or Native American chick, she’s knows “herbal” healing sekrits. And if she’s one of the former, and probably even if she’s Native American, she’s still a devout christian.
All villains will exhibit signs of sexual depravity. In fact, all villains
are insane and depraved.
Mwahahaha! I remember I stopped reading one author when I realized the villains were having better sex than the h/h!
Oh, here is a good one:
In romance books of any genre, if the heroine is a virgin then her hymen will be located several inches inside of her ‘gina. So the hero can be partially submerged before he “feels” the “barrier”.
I almost forgot an obvious one:
Penetration yields orgasm. Usually right away.
HeeHee…
Two more for the historicals. The slender, willowy heroine will look like a boy when dressed in boy’s clothes. Later that night in a ball gown, she will rival Dolly Parton.
A medieval heroine will only come up to the warrior hero’s ribcage, making him feel all manly and protective. When they’re gettin’ r done, though, he’ll gush over her LONG LONG legs.
Candy said on...If he has an ugly or dull colleague, this man will die by page 250.
As an addition to this point: Because he was the no-good dirrrrrty stooge who betrayed the hero and his fabulously-coiffed, orthodontically-enhanced colleagues.
Some more for contemporaries:
Bosses fondling secretaries in the boardroom will be rewarded with marriage and an HEA, not a sexual harrassment lawsuit and trauma that can only be undone with years of therapy.
In cases of female identical twins, one twin will always be the irresponsible, slutty, super-successful supermodel, while the other one is the shy, frumpy (yet still dazzlingly beautiful) librarian/teacher/nurse/pick your nurturing profession. The love story will be about the frumpy twin, of course.
Abortion and/or filing a paternity suit will never, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, EVER occur to a heroine confronting an unwanted pregnancy.
ER doctors, cops, firefighters, military guys on active duty and other men working stressful jobs with long hours are sexual dynamos who are ready and willing to screw any time, all the time. Never, ever, ever will you see men in demanding, high-stress jobs be so tired that they fall asleep before their Staff of Power can pierce the Gates of Heaven.
Romances in general:
One, and only one, bad experience with a woman is justification enough for a hero to hate all women 4 evah and view them as dirty, conniving slutbags.
If the hero has had more than one bad experience with women, e.g. his mom AND his ex-wife screwed him over, pray the heroine has earplugs and elbow pads because there’s going to be a lot of yelling and rough grabbing goin’ on.
Jizzing once, and only once, inside a heroine when the hero initially planned to withdraw is enough to cause instantaneous pregnancy.
Pre-HEA, the heroine will either know instantly she’s pregnant, or be so clueless that she has to be informed by a friend or a maid when she’s beginning to show and she’s wondering why she’s getting fat. No middle ground.
Many non-virginal heroines will go for years without sex. But when she and hero finally make the beast with two backs, she feels no discomfort at all.
Same thing goes for doing it about 2 weeks after giving birth.
Oh, Tonda, ouch on the armor. That’s why you don’t date wacky Ren Fair guys!
My favorites:
-despite infrequency of bathing, oral sex is always a good idea (as mentioned by victoria)
- while Regency heroes get no more exercise than the occasional horseback ride (daily at best) they all have broad, muscled chests and chiseled abs
- Despite lack of cosmetics (or refusal to use them, because only sluts use lipstick) regency heroines never suffer from greasy t-zones, zits, or the dreaded femmestache. Oh, and their legs are always satiny smooth.
In romance books of any genre, if the heroine is a virgin then her hymen will be located several inches inside of her ‘gina.
AAAHHHHH! Holy shit, E.D’Trix, you’ve hit on one of my biggest pet peeves. God, if I weren’t at work, I’d look up that webpage I found one time showing what hymens looked like and where they were located.
This hasn’t happened in too many romances, but I remember reading in one how the hero inserted his finger inside the giney and then MASSAGED THE HYMEN TO RELAX IT.
*falls over*
Oh, and the hero feels the hymen with his penis. It’s not enough that she’s gloriously tight (yet gushing with heavenly dew). He feels the membrane, and it’s TOUGH, y’all.
runswithscissors said on...Oh, I’m loving this. Personally, I like the educational goals romances set out.
In historicals, it is entirely possibly to have an exceptional command of Latin, Ancient Greek and accountancy – all picked up from occasional comments dropped by one’s brothers’ tutors.
Skip forward to today and the world of Science is littered with beautiful PhDs who have at least two degrees from assorted Ivy League schools plus something from Oxford, spent time at the Smithsonian and worked for the government – all by the age of 26.
You guys are cracking me up. I especially like the ones that I don’t use in my books! My villains are always sexually depraved, but that’s just a personal preference on my part. hehe
Romantic Suspense: The police will never believe the heroine’s claims about the crime. Unless the HERO is the investigator. Then he may be the only one to believe the heroine, or he may just humor her after being moved by her incredibly tragic story.
Many non-virginal heroines will go for years without sex.
And as a corollary to that:
In romances in which there’s a Long Separation between hero and heroine after First Instance of Nookie (FIN), the hero will attempt to rid himself of the memory of the heroine by banging anything with two legs. He will not succeed, of course.
Conversely, the heroine will either:
a) be pregnant with the secret baby and OF COURSE have no time to have sex with anyone, and/or
b) the memory of the FIN will be so powerful that she either enshrines the memory and won’t attempt to find someone else to scratch her itch because doing that would make her a DIRTY STINKING WHORE, or the few lovers she takes on will pale in comparison with the hero’s amazing instant orgasm-inducing wang so she doesn’t even bother.
In romances in which there’s a Long Separation between hero and heroine after First Instance of Nookie (FIN), the hero will attempt to rid himself of the memory of the heroine by banging anything with two legs. He will not succeed, of course.
And as an additional corollary to that:
When the hero and heroine are reunited, the heroine will attempt to appear as if she has been banging everything, includin the chair leg.
The hero will:
Either attempt to win back her love, because his years in a Turkish/French prison made him realize how much he cares about her, or he will appear indifferent as they steal lovelorn looks when the other isn’t watching.
Only the hero’s best buddy will notice and will attempt to get the h/h together by pretending a sexual interest in the heroine, who will accommodate him because she wants to make the hero jealous.
Some Rules of Paranormal Romance:
(1) If there are multiple vampires, one of them will always be irredeemably skanky.
(2) Faeries always fuck.
(3) Even if the hero uses a billboard in LA that plays the bagpipes to say I AM A VAMPIRE/WEREWOLF/FAERY/ETC, the heroine still won’t get it until after she’s gone to bed with him.
(4) Dream sequence statistics: 90% have deep mystical/alien/spooky significance; 69% will be an astral erotic encounter; 99.9% of them will irritate the reader.
(5) No matter how many times vampires suck blood, no one until Teresa Medeiros will have the common sense to ask about the consequences of blood breath.
If the hero was in the military, he must have been a rifleman (and always with the 95th, never with the 60th).
We must be reading different books, because all the military heroes I run across are in the cavalry, making me feel I was doing something at least vaguely different *for a romance* by having my hero be in the 95th, even if I can’t claim the slightest degree of originality within the larger set of Peninsular War fiction. (It’s those sexy uniforms, dammit. They’re irresistible.)
Oooh, this one applies to both romances AND superhero comics! To wit:
A raffish mask covering only the eyes and a hat covering his hair will be enough to fool the heroine about the hero’s secret identity. The mask will disguise not only the hero’s face, but his body, his voice, his smell, and yes, his taste, too. Because bless her heart, the heroine usually won’t guess at the hero’s alter ego even after Frenching the two of ‘em six ways to Sunday.
And naturally, the heroine will always feel like a ho for being equally attracted to two men at the same time.
The heroine is NOT allowed to sleep with both of them at the same time. That would make her a real ho, even if she’s cheating on the hero with himself, and we can’t have that.
Dream sequence statistics… 99.9% of them will irritate the reader
Yes! Please, please authors I beg of you: stop with the theoretically revealing but in actuality BORING AS SHIT dream sequences.
Another one for the historicals: the hero will always be an excellent rider with a horse of devilish spirit and intelligence that only he can tame and that he rescued from some dire situation of abuse. Corollary: the heroine will be the only female said horse has ever reacted to calmly and with amazing gentleness.
Candy--one of the funniest versions of that “masked man” scenario was Jude Deveraux’s The Raider where the heroine figures it out early on, ‘cause she’s not dumber than a brick, and drives the hero crazy by insisting the wimpy alter ego is much sexier.
back to regency historicals..
Heroine will be referred to as a bluestocking even if she never shows any sign of interest in academics beyond muttering a couple of lines from Shakespeare.
She will raise her chin and/or her nose at least once.
She will make a charming reference to boxing cant that will dazzle the hero.
She will show her concern for the war in France whilst all the other debutantes around her care only for fashion.
She will be kind to chimney sweeps and worn out hacks.
She will be so passionate about these causes, her nostrils might even flare.
There will be at least one embarrassing scene in the park, usually during the fashionable hour.
Jami wrote: Oh, Tonda, ouch on the armor. That’s why you don’t date wacky Ren Fair guys!
LOL! That’s now known as “Jim’s Corollary” to “Tonda’s Rules For Dating”*
1)No one who lives with his mom or ex-girlfriend/wife.
2)No one whose job has cheating built in (bartender, doorman, musician, etc.)
3)No one who thinks tennies are appropriate footwear for a non-sporting date.
4)No one who spent more than 8 years getting their BA.
5)No one who doesn’t have a “real” job (e.g. no “aspiring” anythings who can’t also pay their own share of the rent).
6)No one who can’t name the last book he read, and the book he’s currently reading without a long pause.
7)No one who’s dated three or more women who you personally know.
Jim’s Corollary: No one who works Ren Faire.
Kristie’s Corollary: No men who prefer cats to dogs.
The “Wayne” rule: No retreads; you broke up with him for a reason the first time around.
*As developed over diner on my 29th birthday.
There used to be 10, but I can’t seem to remember them all.
Two ways in which heroines are different from real women:
1. They combine double-D-cup breasts with delicate, waspish waists that the hero feels compelled to put his hands around.
2. Curly locks fall at least to their waists, if not their butts, are always soft, never frizzy, and never get pinned by the hero’s hand or elbow during nookie.
Historicals: A woman who’s just been deflowered in a meadow (experiencing the usual exploding-angels orgasm after a brief moment of ouchies) is perfectly happy to hop back on a galloping horse.
Paranormals: The vampire’s human lover must have psychic powers. Oh, and getting bitten is like having an orgasm, not at all like having your flesh ripped apart and vital fluids drained.
If a heroine can bake a good biscuit her odds of snaring a misogynistic cowboy are approximately 100%.
Snrrrrkkkk.
Never have I been so grateful I’m not living in a Diana Palmer novel…
Biscuit lovin’ cowboys rule!
“No matter how many times vampires suck blood, no one until Teresa Medeiros will have the common sense to ask about the consequences of blood breath.”
Bwahahahahaha!
Crap, now I’ve got to crack open my historical and find out where I put that girl’s hymen. I had no idea.
All I personally remember is a general, sharp sort of burning. No specific location of pain. And no immediate-penetration orgasm either, I can tell you that for damn sure. (Unless it was a delayed reaction. A delay of, say, four years?)
Robini said on...No Hero is ever short, underendowed, or balding.
And Re: Candy & the Masked Man
Does anybody remember Jem! the cartoon from the 80s? That rule totally reminded me of Jem and her alter-ego Jerrica; they *both* used to get tons of action from Jerrica’s boyfriend Rio. AFAIK he never figured out that his GF and the rock star he kept accidentally kissing and cuddling with were the same person, and she was too terrified to tell him, because he had this thing where he *hated* deceivers (though apparently not cheaters or men who took a second giflfriend on the sly).
I just remember that rather than noticing her boyfriend *was* a ho, Jerrica just agonized that maybe he liked her alter-ego better. Ooh don’t we love romantic double standards! It’s like the twins rule, only without the twins.
Yet more :)
If the heroine has her young crush set on the younger brother of a duke, marquis, or earl, the older brother will of course intervene, since she’s apparently a money-grubbing peasant, and in the process:
1. The heroine and the older brother will be caught in a compromising position,
2. The younger brother will literally out himself as being gay,
3. The younger brother will fall in love with the heroine’s younger, more gorgeous sister, or
4. The hero will whisk the heroine away and compromise her, thereby forcing them to have a quick marriage, which will cause the spoiled, selfish younger brother to pout and try to do something Nasty(tm) to them, only to be forcibly pressed into the navy by one of his disgruntled mistresses. The younger brother will return in the Sequel.
Robini, you bitch. Now I have the Jem theme song stuck in my head (my little sister’s favorite show; she recently bought it on DVD).
Truly, truly, truly outrageous! :)
Sandy AAR said on...In historicals, if a writer has ever read Georgette Heyer (even just one!) the phrase “some semblance of order” must be used. Example: “As she exited the carriage, Tiffany attempted to coax her toussled locks into some semblance of order.”
Any historical hero who has ever fought in any war (especially those pesky Napoleonic ones) must be tormented by horrific dreams.
A familiarity with herbs and their medicinal uses is required for any heroine residing primarily in the country.
Crap, now I’ve got to crack open my historical and find out where I put that girl’s hymen.
It’s a very, very sad world indeed when a girl’s hymen is misplaced! Damn those pesky hymens! Always running off somewhere!
Well, good news anyway. That chick’s cherry was very vaguely placed. There was definitely no massaging going on and no sudden barrier at a certain depth. O Treacherous Hymen, victory is mine!
scottish historicals:
-they always have a “nude swimming in the loch” scene.
-the heroine is the ONLY one who can ever stop murderous feuding clans who have hated each other for generations. gruff scotsman always end up thinking she’s da shit.
-if the hero or the heroine is english, s/he will immediately feel a mystical affinity for the “wildness” and “untamed” purity of scotland and never long for england ever again.
-despite the traditional centuries-long alliance with france and enmity with england, the scots and the french never ever marry. (unless the heroine happens to have a french maid and theh hero has a hunky man-at-arms). all “political alliance” marriages are english/scots only.
Shaunee said on...A few thoughts:
For the first third of the romance, the hero will be a world-class prick to the heroine who will nonetheless be uncontrollably attracted to the dangerous glint in said prick’s eyes, his alarmingly snug trousers and his, well, prick; the dimensions of which she will only be able to liken to the antics of the chickens, goats, and pigs she’s lovingly raised with own pure, eminently slutless hands.
Said hands will likely be lily white or creamy or milky or peaches and cream, but not fish/frog belly white or so-white-they’re-blue white which is probably closer to the truth. Conversely, if the heroine is unfashionably dark, she’s somehow managed to elude the stigma of the dreaded farmers tan; probably by sun bathing naked; a routine indulgence of all virginal heroines.
The hero who is ALWAYS bored with screwing gorgeous, lush, intelligent screw-worthy women becomes instantly interested in screwing unavailable, pure, clueless girls at least 10 years his junior. Wait, that shit really does happen. Fuck.
>>pure, clueless girls at least 10 years his junior. Wait, that shit really
does happen. Fuck.<<
Too, too funny, Shaunee. And all too sad.
Kerry said on...The hero must have a nose that’s been broken in the past and imperfectly set, giving a rugged cast to features otherwise so perfect as to render him almost pretty.
His eyes must be a piercing blue with eyelashes so long and thick as to be the envy of any woman.
No one in either historical or modern romances ever has to stop what they’re doing to get a hair out of their mouth.
You’d think, with all those flowing locks without any semblance of order that this would be more of problem.
celeste said on...Particularly in Regency-era historicals, the hero must be notorious as the most skilled lover in England. I read a back cover blurb once that said something to the effect that the hero had learned his amorous skills at the feet of the masters.
How would that happen? Some older rake accompanied him on trysts to tell him what to do? “No, no, NO! Put it in THERE!”
And how does one get a reputation as the most skilled lover in the land? Maybe there are secret competitions.
Vampires are always dark and mysterious. You don’t see the blond, light-hearted, frivolous sort of vampire. The heroine is the only person EVER that Mr. All-Powerful Vampy-pants hasn’t been able to hypnotize/mentally control/brainwash. This is naturally a sign that “I Must Have Her!”
If she’s his fated mate (and you know she is), she will resist, resist, resist, until he practically rapes her. (Or in the case of most of Feehan’s Carpathians, literally rapes her.) Then she’ll come repeatedly, screaming to the heavens, and instantly decide that it’s true lurve and she must embrace the life of a bloodsucker to be with him 4 evah.
And that brings me to the biggest cliche in romance, IMO--the big, screaming, bed-shaking, sheet-rending, scratching, clawing, writhing, shrieking orgasm EVERY FUCKING TIME. I dunno about y’all, but that doesn’t happen every single humpty-hump for me. (Alas!) Especially the virgin screaming-writhing-multiple-orgasmfest, regardless of hymen placement.
Or maybe she’s screaming and clawing and biting because he just tore the shit outta her cunny with his manly thrust o’ lurve? Perhaps he should’ve relaxed it with his finger first… *snerk*
These are too funny. Some of them I have seen in a book I found decades ago totled The Romance Writer’s Phrase Book. Within are the phrases you should use to describe facial features and expressions for both males and female, kissing, sex, mannerisms, and how they walk to name a few,
OMG, Nat, I have that book! I got it for Christmas the year I decided I was going to “write seriously.” Yeah, that book didn’t quite help with that goal. LMAO! Lemme see if I can find some of the snarkiest phrases… er, that is, if I can find the book itself. More to come… (and dammit, it’ll be screaming and writhing when it comes!)
HA! Found it! Let’s start with Our Hero:
His full black hair flowed from his face like a crest
His cold urbanity was only slightly disturbed (I have no frickin’ clue what that means)
His features were so perfect, so symmetrical, that any more delicacy would have made him too beautiful for a man
And the Lovely Heroine
The living moistness of her full red mouth
The corners of her mouth turned upward more than they turned down
Her face was arresting, irregular (the same could be said of the Elephant Man, no?)
Her soft ivory shoulders beckoned to him
Facial expressions
Lately, she had cultivated a certain smile
He tilted his brow
She watched his expression of hate turn to desire (gotta love those old Harlequin romances!)
She saw him out of the tail of her eye (dunno about you, but my eyes don’t have tails)
And the main event, Le Humpty-Hump!
A vaguely sensuous light passed between them
He seemed to be peering at her intently
He stoked a gently growing fire
She tried to throttle the dizzying current racing through her
A slender delicate thread formed between them (Am I the only one having flashbacks to the cervical mucous discussion here?)
Her heart pounded in an erratic rhythm (gotta love a man who humps so well, he gives you heart failure! I think this one is in EVERY SINGLE book published in the 80s.)
A passionate fluttering arose at the back of her neck
A hot ache grew in her throat
She tried to ignore the strange aching in her limbs (Poor chica, she doesn’t even seem to know where her cunny IS!)
The cruel ravishment of his mouth
His kiss was punishing and angry
Twisting in his arms and arching her body, she fought to get free
He fondled one small globe, its pink nubbin marble hard
While he would be merely filling a moment of physical desire, she would be allowing him to tear apart her soul
She was finally exhausted and sensually disturbed
Okay, I can’t take anymore! Now we need a new list, Bitches--Phrases We Never Want To See Again. I nominate ALL these. I need to go read some smutty boinkage to wash this out of my poor, aching brain!
michele said on...some more horse thoughts:
the heroine will be the only young woman who has an interest in and participates in the hunt, despite the fact that it is frowned upon and unladylike
the hero and heroine will meet at Hyde Park at 6 am so that they can take their horses for a gallop since no one gallops in London
the heroine has always learned to ride astride (for the drinking game, double up if it’s a book by Joan Wolf)
the heroine will have extensive knowledge of the breeding of horses, the qualities needed for a good race horse, and will be able to examine a horse with more capability than any of the hero’s friends
wow, I’ve read too much Joan Wolf
one medical cliche for a kicker:
the heroine who has some secret healing knowledge will, regardless of time period, go running for some moldy bread whenever the hero is injured
Katy said on...In contemporary novels:
The hero always is sensitive, open-minded, holds babies with ease and charms grandmothers. Or, he will after he falls in lurve with the heroine.
If there is a gay character, then the hero might start out a bigoted asshole, but through lurve, he will magically become open-minded.
Which reminds me, the gay character in those SEAL novels is great, except for his using sweetie or hunnie or whatever he uses on the job. Yeah.
The heroine always has orgasms that couse her to black out for a little bit. Though I guess that really applies to all romance genres. No *meh* orgasms here.
The heroine never immediately views the hero as husband/lurve material.
Historical:
Glasses never make the heroine look dorky. They always frame her incredible, huge eyes. Though no one ever notices but the hero.
Glasses=bluestocking.
Heroines will wear ill-fitting clothing to put off suitors, and no one but the hero will notice what an incredible figure she is hiding.
No one but the annoying younger sister has spots.
Freckles are only ever charming, perhaps a light scattering across the nose.
There are always bosoms to be mounded up into low necklines. No flat-chested heroines allowed.
Heroes who are dangerously handsome almost never wear gloves, and if a hero wears gloves, than the heat of his palms is scorching.
No one ever gets sweaty palms from nerves.
Ladies faint gracefully. They do not fall into furniture and get concussions.
Men’s handkerchifs are always large and white. And somehow they carry them about on their person while wearing skin-tight breeches.
Hard, smooth lengths are always stroked.
Just about every sex scene includes the word “moist” or “moisture”.
An unwashed man’s scent is “musky” or “male”, never pungent and it always drives the woman nuts.
There’s no such thing as underball cheese.
The first sexual encounter between h/h is always rushed ending with the hero giving his final grunt and shuddering in climax before collapsing upon said heroine.
If the heroine is captured by a pirate (hero) she is forced to dress up and have dinner with him She eventually falls for his charms after he lavishes her with jewels (for which she rejects at first). And aformentioned heroine was most likely on a journey to a prearranged marriage or to see her estranged husband who she has lost feelings for.
And again… There’s no such thing as underball cheese.
lisa b. said on...A few more historicals for fun:
The heroine will ALWAYS be the only educated female in the area (against whoever’s wishes), and therefore outwardly meek but inwardly haughty.
IF there is another semi-educated (because no one can be as smart as our heroine) female around, she is automatically conniving, bitchy, usually sweating the hero’s nuts, plotting against the heroine to win said hero, and will more than likely live on the premises and/or be a relative just distant enough to make copulation with the hero (usually tricked into it and remorseful later) not gross.
The hero and heroine will ALWAYS hate each other at first sight (the heroine’s education and interferring always a cause of argument), which ALWAYS makes the impending foreplay better (I say foreplay because they never actually do the deed until they’ve shamefully “almost” like a hundred times).
The heroine is almost always married/betrothed/dumped onto/kissed/taken against her initial will and must therefore take eons to admit that she actually approves if not loves her situation (meaning the sex with the man she swore never to love) due to pride, which in the end, will almost always cause her bodily harm resulting in a passionate confession (always reciprocated by the hero who had EXACTLY the same problem admitting to love the woman he never wanted but was hopelessly attracted to).
ALL heroines still look irresistably sexy when they are unconscious/bloodied/sick as hell from flu or fever or childbed. The fact the she has been sweating out her ills for a week, not bathing (unless of course the hero is nursing her to health, in which case the heroine is too delirious to remember that he got totally turned on and probably fondled her during the sponge bath), and probably looks/smells like ass is NEVER a factor to the hero because she’s all vulnerable and he’s all horny and protective.
The virginal heroine and hero NEVER have a bedroom faux pas - it’s always perfect every time (with exceptions of occasions where hero is overcome with lust and takes the girl in a manly fashion not allowing her much pleasure, which he will CERTAINLY make up to her later). There is NEVER any need for extra lubrication, repositioning, accidental “placement” of organs etc. - pure ecstacy every time.
Also, sex parts are never called “penis, vagina, dick, cervix” etc. - it is ALWAYS poetic referral to parts in question, like: “rod/shaft of manliness” or “hardness” or simply “himself” and “wetness” or “inside” or (god help me) “love mound.” (ick, why?)
And THANK YOU! whoever said they always have all their teeth, and they’re always pearly white, straight, and perfect - ‘cause yeah, THAT would happen on a diet of daily bread (carbs turn to sugar which turns to rotting blackness) in a land without toothpaste.
Oh yeah, almost forgot - heroines ALWAYS unravel their wet hair (from either wedding/yearly bath or tragic riding/lake accident) in front of the roaring fire, wearing their skivvies, JUST when the hero walks in to then contemplate (for the next 2 chapters) how sexy she looks drying her hair. :)
The defenses have been breached. The hymen broken.... Where’s the blood?
And after that, she’s ready to do it again!
or
The virginal heroine can give the perfect BJ without teeth for the first time, deep throat and swallow without the slightest gag reflex. Or hawk over the left shoulder sending the jizz to slop against the nearest chest of drawers.
..........nothing is spat.
I guess it goes back to the old adage of “A lady never spits.”
Oh wait! That was IF they got the chance to finish the BJ before the hero either A) grabbed them and pulled them up for the ride, or B) grabbed them, rolled ‘er over and thrust his manhood deep inside.
A slender delicate thread formed between them
Please tell me I’m not the only person who reads this and gets flashbacks to the description of snails using the “love dart” while mating in “My Family and other Animals”. What new unholy perversion is this?
...the heroine will be the only young woman who has an interest in and participates in the hunt, despite the fact that it is frowned upon and unladylike.
But only for the thrill of the ride - if she sees the fox, she’ll rescue it.
And now, a for a bit of a mixed bag:
The frumpy heroine will always have a dress (usually red) in the back of her wardrobe bought several years ago, but never worn. It will magically transform her into a red-hot babelicious sex goddess. Although she was badgered by a pushy shop assistant to impulse-buy it in a sale, it will never ever be either a) 2 sizes too small or b) make her look like a dated fashion victim. If it shows her underwear, she will decide not to wear any and then get some commando lovin’ behind a potted palm.
Queen Victoria’s stand regarding lesbianism prevails. It just simply doesn’t exist.
If a gay man is not the villain, he can only ever be the hilariously campy Gay Best Friend. If there are no “ethnic” characters in a novel, he will take on the mantle of calling the heroine “girlfriend” and encouraging her to “go, girl”. He will never fall in love with the hero.
If a second gay character appears, the two will instantly fall in love. Similarly, if a second “ethnic” character appears, he/she will be of the opposite sex and the two will couple up.
All aliens are uber-gorgeous humans. The alien hero/heroine will find our Terran lack of perfection mesmerisingly attractive.
The galaxy/universe/alien planet is ruled by a royal dynasty. Politicians are all corrupt fiends with despicable plans, but only royalty or a long-lost heir can sort the mess out. Democracy is then guided by the benevolent hand of nobility.
Any alien civilization ruled by men will hark back to ye olde tymes and members (tee-hee) will fight with swords. They will be chest-thumping barbarian types, whose ruler is entranced by the heroine’s “feistiness”. All women born into this society will be moronically content to live under over-zealous manly protection. Any emancipation brought about by the heroine will be moderate and in no way impinge on the cultural practice of wearing of filmy outfits and leather.
Any civilization ruled by women will have perfected the mind control of men, and use them for breeding purposes only. Because of this, when the heroine encounters the hero, his hot animal lovin’ will blow her mind and bring about a revolution.
Planets/galaxies will have no more than two warring factions.
Has anyone ever explained the universal “credits” system? Do banks give planetary mortgages?
The time traveller/alien will always fall inexplicably and immediately in love with a selection of our finest junk food. Pizza is usually considered the nectar of the gods. This is apprently both funny and endearing, despite any effect this might have on Mr Stud’s manly physique.
The mysterious gods/devices that enable time travellers to immediately understand and speak the language of the new time will have a built-in flaw that means certain expressions are poorly translated. Hilarious consequences or the Big Misunderstanding are therefore assured.
Oh, these are fabulous!! Here are a couple more:
If a heroine has to borrow some clothes, they will be invariably too tight in the bust and too loose in the waist.
The hero will always be taller and have a larger penis than any man the heroine has ever met.
Heroines always make the very best biscuits, and do so with no ingredients other than flour and water.
All heroes are capable of arching one eyebrow.
In a historical, it only takes about 2 minutes to make tea, even if you’re melting snow to do it. (love those historical microwaves!)
In historical times when bathing was not common, the hero &/or heroine will be known for their unusual fetish for bathing.
In American historicals, the hero &/or heroine will be an anti-slavery activist.
If there are three sisters in a family, there is always a blonde, a redhead, and a brunette.
If the heroine’s father was in the military, he will have run his home like a boot camp. Military heroes, however, aren’t like this.
In a historical, drying your waist-length, thick, curly locks in front of the fire takes no more than 30 minutes.
How many times have we heard that the hero smells like sandalwood? I did some research on this, and there’s supposedly a male pheromone that makes a horny man’s underarms smell something like that. I find it annoying when authors say the hero smells like sandalwood not only because it’s used SO often but also because I doubt many of them even know what it is. A perfectly nice scent has now become a hopeless cliché!
In historicals, though not required, the heroine’s father (or guardian) may be of the “hopelessly dotty, but brilliant academic” type. In such cases, the heroine will be the family’s manager who is seen as overly “managing” by her community. A mother-dominated, deeply closeted homosexual fiance who will pale in comparison to the vigorously masculine and large penis-d hero may be appropriate in such situations.
Any woman that dyes her hair or wears too much make-up is a dirty conniving slutty ‘ho or (very occasionally) the wacky friend. Delicate smudges of aqua eyshadow notwithstanding, a heroine’s collar and cuffs will always match.
Heroines in contemporaries are subject to a complicated law of probability:
(W + X +Y)Z = V
Where
W = number of references in the book to the heroine’s beauty
X = number of references in the book to the heroine’s intelligence
Y = number of times in the book the hero is about to shag the heroine senseless but is interrupted
Z = heroine’s age (if more than 30, add the two digits together)
V = percentage possibility of the heroine being a virgin
Heroes take note: if you meet a beautiful, smart 29 year old and can’t seem to get the timing right, chances are she’s a VIRGIN.
In a Regency-set historical, any female character over age 50 must be of the benign, but crusty type and possess a razor wit with which she ruthlessly skewers society pretentions and the current namby-pamby ways of the ton.
Ooh, Sandy AAR, good one - there is always that crusty older lady character who harshes on the ton. Because if you can’t beat them, make them CRY!
And those phrases?! Egads!
The living moistness of her full red mouth
It’s not a mouth. It’s a petri dish.
A vaguely sensuous light passed between them
Vaguely? Think this was the inspiration for the song, “Do it to me one more time. Once is never enough with a man like you?”
A hot ache grew in her throat
Some call it ‘strep.’
And I cannot remember what book it was, but I know that I still own it sheerly because of this one phrase, but at a moment of great physical arousal, the heroine “felt a spurt of something warm and urgent between her thighs.”
Yeah. Ew! If I feel that, it means I’m going into labor!
Love the list & all of its glorious requirements. Beg everyone’s pardon if I repeat what was already mentioned. Just a coupla thoughts though..
Re #5- laudanum is opium, so yeah, it’ll dull the pain of whatever ails you. Seems England was awash with well bred opium addicts. I agree that the taste must’ve been hard to hide though.
Re #8- I read this to hubby, who said and I quote:” Men want sex all the time no matter what’s wrong with them or how much pain they’re in.”
rhianona said on...For medievals, the heroine will always be of “age” for the hero - she is never 12 or 13 (or rarely). She *might* have been married to someone years older than her who may or may not have abused her, but she will always have that husband gone by the time she meets the hero (or the hero will kill the husband and marry her). The heroine will *always* have command of her estate, be feisty and either be trained in the sword having badgered her father/older brother/family retainer until he taught her, or can shoot a bow like a seasoned veteran. She will always be religious and concerned with saving the hero’s soul - who will be less than religious due to some unfortunate event (tm). And despite countermanding the king’s orders, the h/h will always manage to convince him that they should remain married b/c they are in lurv.
In general, no matter how much the hero dumps on the heroine and treats her terribly, she will *always* forgive him and in fact apologize for whatever she did to annoy him. If, however, she gets justifiably angry at him, she is considered a bitch.
If it’s a historical, the heroine always has bouncing curly blonde hair and purple eyes.
If a woman is “on the shelf” in a regency, it is because she had either a cruel family who kept her at their sides to serve them (usually b/c they favor the prettier younger sister) or she is so independently wealthy and her family is of such good ton that it doesn’t matter if she is in her twenties before she wants to marry - and when she does, it’s b/c she decides that it is time to marry, not because she is forced to. And the hero will always appreciate that she is older than those silly frittering debs.
Oh, and if she gets a new wardrobe, either b/c she is more mature, or b/c of her coloring, she will always always get to wear striking colors quite unlike any of those worn by the other debs and this will make her stand out.
Re #8- I read this to hubby, who said and I quote:” Men want sex all the time no matter what’s wrong with them or how much pain they’re in.”
Sounds like my boyfriend.
Back to orthodontics. Bad teeth are an instant indicator of low-down and dirty skulldugging villains. Bad teeth + cauliflower ears = low-grade minor criminal who is easily outwitted.
Lovably ditsy heroines who run away to the West to become cooks will have no ability whatsoever at the beginning of the book. By the end they will be able to make a 4 course meal for 50 hungry cowhands out of a bag of beans and a few roots dug up by a stream.
City slicker heroines never understand how much food a real man eats, and will serve a hungry cowboy three strawberries on a bed of rocket for dinner.
Good-looking ministers are legally obliged to marry reformed bad girls with hearts of gold.
And finally, a glimpse of the hero’s lean features and saturnine countenance will kindle a raging conflagration in the heroine’s bosom which only he, and not antacid can assuage.
Even though heroes in historicals have slept with legions of women and never used a condom they are magically protected from STDs - despite the fact that syphilis and venereal disease were rife in 18th and 19th century Britain. Anyone with telltale pockmarks or itching is almost certainly evil.
There’s no such thing as underball cheese.
And there shouldn’t be. *SHUDDER*
Deena said on...- while Regency heroes get no more exercise than the occasional horseback ride (daily at best) they all have broad, muscled chests and chiseled abs.
Except they all have regular, personal bouts with Gentleman Jackson because he is so impressed with their pugilistic skills.
Does anyone else ever feel bad for Gentleman Jackson, who gets the shit beat out of him on a regular basis by these muscle-bound lordships?
Jenx10 said on...Did I miss the one where the heroine always reveals her secret abuses during an illness induced delerium?
Did I miss the one where the heroine always reveals her secret abuses during an illness induced delerium?
PAH-HAHAHAHAHAHA
How about the secret inheritance that always reveals itself just in time to a) save the heroine from having to marry her 2nd cousin who is always pudgy and florid and sweaty and suffering from a scorching case of halitosis or b) save the heroine from having (as in no other choice) to marry the fully buffed out hero who she will only marry for love despite the facts that she’s nearly had scalding monkey sex with him behind that potted plant at the ball with a thousand people milling about 5 times, that he’s saved her and her younger brother and sister (who the heroine has struggled to raise since their parents died in that tragic carriage accident) from financial ruin by buying wardrobes willy-nilly and sending the appropriate sibling off to Eton, and that she loves (lurves?) him oh so friggin’ desperately.
The hero has officially offered for her to save her from her perspiring cousin, but unofficially will only admit to wanting to marry her so he can have exclusive access to her exceedingly pure honey pot which he, by this time, has sampled many times behind the very same potted plant or maybe in the library or out back in the torch lit garden.
OMG,
I love all this. With every post I’ve said, gosh, I know I didn’t do that in my book or works in progress. And nope, didn’t do that either. And not that, and not that, and not that.
Here I was sitting around being all depressed because I wasn’t writing to the correct mold. Now I’m thinking, what the hell, do it my way.
Great topic!
This one crosses all lines of genre and gender:
Kidnapping victims MUST fall in love with their abductors.
Jeri,
Your kidnappering rule doesn’t apply if they’re missing any teeth or need a bath. Then you know they’re the villain’s henchmen. And they’re going to attempt to brutally rape the heroine.
and what’s worse the kidnappers will be RUDE to her, call her sweetheart or other mocking endearments (so will the hero). They will also laugh at her efforts to escape.
Judging from their frequent and grating laughter, villainous henchmen are a pretty jolly bunch--at least until the h and h take them out, usually in mid-laugh, or at least mid-sneer.
Romance heroes and heroines have very limited bodily functions. They can “relieve” themselves or “take care of personal needs,” but they never fart/belch/get constipated or the runs. Shouldn’t they at least be constipated what with all those wheels of cheese and hunks of bread they’re eating? I mean, lots of cheese does bind you up, doesn’t it?
Oh yeah, no constipation EVER EVER. In a historical, should the heroine have to run away to escape marriage/shame/etc, she will always take cheese and bread. No other foods, just cheese and bread. Maybe some “sweet milk” if she’s lucky, but you never see her tossing some carrots or dried beef or apples into her bag, now do you? Nope. Heroines don’t need no steekin’ fiber!
And in historicals, the notorious rake who broke a thousand hearts, who frequents brothels and gaming hells, who keeps a mistress (who is either a) deeply and hopelessly in luuuurve with him because he’s the Only One Ever who treated her with kindness while boinking her and thinking of the Virginal Heroine, or b) is spying on him for the Evil Man Behind The Dastardly Death Of The Hero’s Brother/Father/Mother/Best Friend/Cat/Chicken/Favorite Cockroach) , and who isn’t received in the respectable houses? He is ALWAYS just playing a part to either avenge his brother (who always manages to kick the bucket without having any heirs, not even bastards) and is forgiven by society when he reveals that he is, in fact, a fine, upstanding gentleman who is so deeply in luuuurve with the heroine he can’t see straight. (Being unable to see straight is always a symptom of true lurve, never a result of alcohol poisoning/DTs.) This sweet lurve is all it takes to counterbalance the righteous anger of the masses.
Naturally, any truly rakish behavior he might’ve engaged in (losing the family jewels at the gaming hells [no, not those family jewels], whoring, keeping a mistress, drinking like a fish, and basically behaving like a misogynistic bastard asswipe) is easily forgiven by the heroine once she understands The Greater Plan Of It All.
I mean, lots of cheese does bind you up, doesn’t it?
TMI ALERT: Too much cheese has the opposite effect on me. Hee!
You all should do a round robin and hit each point with a paragraph.
That would be killer.
historicals-
despite the fact that sally jersey is notorioursly cold and snobby to everyone, she always has a soft spot for the hero and thinks the heroine is spunky and amusing. everyone will get vouchers for almack’s immediately and without any problem.
yet no one is ever allowed to think that almack’s is anything but stupid and boring (unless you’re the mother or chaperone). and the author HAS to mention that almack’s only serves warm lemonade and stale bread/cakes.
Too much fun!
Ever wonder why makeup is only worn by whores and ‘fast’ ladies in the book, but on the covers the heroines all look like a living Bonne Bell sample case?
“His eyes must be a piercing blue with eyelashes so long and thick as to be the envy of any woman.”
I’m guilty of this in my own work! *blushes* In my defense: blue eyes + insanely long eyelashes = irresistible male animal…
“If a heroine has to borrow some clothes, they will be invariably too tight in the bust and too loose in the waist.”
Always, always, always! LOL!
Hope these haven’t been mentioned yet:
If the heroine is held captive in a harem, she will inevitably become the sultan’s favorite. She will outsmart the other jealous ho’s in the harem and stay one step ahead of their murderous plot to do her bodily harm. She will befriend an older woman named Fatima or Satina who will help her escape the palace (because Fatima/Satina is the sultan’s second favorite and can now move up in the ranks.)
Once all the members of an exclusive all-male club of ex-spies/unit of military servicemen have found true luuuurrrve, their wives will all become bestest friends in the whole wide world. Not one of them will find another irritating, moronic, dull or in want of a good smack with a wet fish. They will not have stupid competitive conversations about who has the biggest car(riage), whose husband won the most money at Macao in Watier’s last week or whose child has the biggest cranium.
Corollary to this and sub-plot designed to extend a series beyond its natural lifespan alert:
If one of the wives is disliked, she won’t have had her own book ‘cos it ain’t true luurrrvvee. Either she’ll be a greedy conniving bitch who trapped her husband into marriage, or some milk-and-water nonentity irredeemably devoid of any personality who only wears white frocks and talks in a wispy voice. As part of a secondary plot in one story, she will die in a carriage accident while running away with her secret lover who has made her pregnant. The widower will either be hideously traumatised, suspected of her murder or both. Either way, he’ll then be free to fall in love with his best friend’s wife’s best friend who is still single because she has secretly loved him from afar for years.
“...Fatima or Satina who will help her escape the palace”
Fatima/Satina always has large liquid doe-eyes artfully outlined with kohl and gorgeous honey-coloured skin. She compares her short, “rounded” figure with the heroine’s thin one in scathing comments. They’re usually along the line of men preferring something soft to a bony stick in bed and her figure being better for giving the sheikh “many, many babies”. Thus she takes little exercise (compared to the vigorous and skinny heroine who’s out practising her epee for three hours a day in the walled garden under the watchful eyes of eunuchs) and indolently eats sweetmeats while bathing in perfumed water.
Another one—summing across all Regencies, more aristocrats have their “town homes” in Berkeley and Gloucester Squares than there are town homes in Berkeley and Gloucester Squares.
And Weston and Schultz (or their minions) work their fingers to the bone tailoring all those coats.
10.11.05 at 06:29 AM |