Smart Bitches Trashy Books | All of the romance, none of the bullshit.

Words fail me - one slide in particular. You’ll all know which one I mean…

Off to share this one with the world now!

That guy was clearly a shape shifter, ya’ll. Or somebody else from an LKH novel.

All I can say is that’s some caber that boy is sporting . . . sure hope he’s a shower not a grower. LOL!

*blink*

I think we found Ben from Ben’s Wildflower.

Holy Jesus. I sure hope he’s not allergic to grass.

<>

Or Gray Ruillard (sp?) from Linda Howard’s “After the Night.”

Relax, baby.  You can take it.  Just relax.

That guy was clearly a shape shifter, ya’ll. Or somebody else from an LKH novel.

Seriously.  You nailed that one.

I’m glad I’m not the only one who thought “holy shit” when I saw that one.  Now I know what all those cocks in romance novels look like… Actually, I think I was happier not knowing.

<>

Well, I’m obviously a product of my own sadly limited experience, but MY romance novel cocks are circumcised.  The monster on that guy would get some raised eyebrows out of me for a couple of reasons, were I ever to meet up with it in person.  Seriously...it’s possible I might require instructions.

I’m very glad you added that NSFW designation. Will peruse when I get home…

Damn it! Even warned I looked. *shakes fist and cries* I shouldn’t have. I really, really shouldn’t have. Is it too late to bury my head in the sand?

But that slide of the kids was kinda cute...like “Holy, hell. That’s what we have to look forward to? Noooooo!” Then he waves over friend, and friend looks up and has the same reaction.

Well, I’m obviously a product of my own sadly limited experience, but MY romance novel cocks are circumcised. 

Absolutely.
I’m sorry, but uncircumscribed penises remind me of those tube worms in hydrothermal vents.  I expect some alien to emerge from them.

ROFLMAO!  Excuse me while I wipe orange juice off of my keyboard.

Well, I’m obviously a product of my own sadly limited experience, but MY romance novel cocks are circumcised.

Not mine (experience or books!). In fact, I just got a fan letter thanking me for being historically accurate enough to have a foreskin on my hero. LOL! 

But that guy in the kilt really does look like the old joke about a baby’s arm . . .

Well, sheeet! Here I am working on my old clunker PC that has no Powerpoint cause I had to uninstall it to make room on my C: drive.

Damn!! And I soooo want to see that Cockzilla under the kilt!

You know, I’m 50 years old but STILL find penises endlessly fascinating!

BevL(QB) <-- Pervy Old Broad

Damn!
Thank you....
And well,
damn.... :)

Speaking of tools…

You’ve got to love the smile on the face of the guy sitting next to the Queen.

didnt72 - Actually, I think he probably did know.

“I think we found Ben from Ben’s Wildflower”

You said it, Charlene!

“Cockzilla” - ROFLMAO!!! Wonder what *he* calls it? For surely something that size rates its own name??

See29 is my security word - how appropriate!

By the way, ever since I looked at that slideshow I’ve had the song The Drunken Scotsman in my head:

Well a Scotsman clad in kilt left a bar one evening fair
And one could tell by how he walked the he’d drunk more than his share
He fumbled ‘round until he could no longer keep his feet
And he stumbled off in to the grass to sleep beside the street
[
Refrain:
Ring-ding didle idle i de-o
Ring dye didley i oh
He stumbled off in to the grass to sleep beside the street
[
About that time two young and lovely girls just happened by
One says to the other, with a twinkle in her eye
“See yon sleeping Scotsman, so strong a handsome built?
I wonder if it’s true what they don’t wear beneath the kilt.”
[
Refrain:
Ring-ding didle idle i de-o
Ring dye didley i oh
I wonder if it’s true what they don’t wear beneath the kilt
[
They crept up on that sleeping Scotsman quiet as could be
Lifted up his kilt about an inch so they could see
And there, behold, for them to view beneath his Scottish skirt
Was nothing more than God had graced him with upon his birth
[
Refrain:
Ring-ding didle idle i de-o
Ring dye didley i oh
Was nothing more than God had graced him with upon his birth
[
They marveled for a moment, then one said “We must be gone.
Let’s leave a present for our friend before we move along”
As a gift they left a blue silk ribbon tied in to a bow
Around the bonnie star the Scot’s kilt did lift and show
[
Refrain:
Ring-ding didle iidle i de-o
Ring dye didley i oh
Around the bonnie star the scot’s kilt did lift and show
[
Now the Scotsman woke to nature’s call and stumbled towards the trees
Behind the bush he lifts his kilt, and gawks at what he sees
And in a startled voice he says, to what’s before his eyes,
“Lad, I don’t know where ya been, but I see you’ve won first prize”
[
Refrain:
Ring-ding didle idle i de-o
Ring dye didley i oh
Lad, I don’t know where you’ve been, but I see you’ve won first prize.

--------------------------------
(Larger89 is my security word!!)

*blinking rapidly*

Oh my.

I mean, that’s just…

Holy shit.

Wow.  Thanks for sharing.

Cockzilla is right.

I’m glad I’m not the only one picking my eyeballs off the floor.

I seriously thought somebody had photoshopped it.

Sherry

I’m not sure if I’m in love, or if I’ve suddenly decided I can no longer fantasize about Scotsmen…

...no, not giving up the Scots, I’m in love (although i’m never going to have sex with it)

PS--my gag reflex just kicked in…

. . . interesting, to say the least.

I can’t decide whether to stare more or claw my eyeballs out.

Kalen, damn it. What’s the joke?

-Victoria, who just got done eating a banana pop and thinking about her own Scotsman

Relax, baby.  You can take it.  Just relax.

Oh, my God, I haven’t laughed that long in a while. “Just breathe through the contraction. . . I mean the sex.”

that guy in the kilt really does look like the old joke about a baby’s arm . . .
--
Kalen, damn it. What’s the joke?

Isn’t there a scene in The Lady’s Tutor where Ramiel compares a dildo to a baby’s arm? I never thought having a baby’s arm stuck up you was a sexy image, but perhaps I’m not seeing the, er, big picture.

uncircumscribed penises remind me of those tube worms in hydrothermal vents

Oh so true.  And so appropriate.  Thermal vents… source of life… phallic tubeworms....  Biology in action....  “That’s hawt”

See, that’s why the Creation Museum isn’t convincing.  That weak-ass diorama didn’t even show Adam’s phallic underwater tubeworm of generation.  Naooo.  We’re supposed to believe Adam didn’t grow a tubeworm until Eve done him wrong with Mr Snake?

uncircumscribed penises remind me of those tube worms in hydrothermal vents

Oh so true.  And so appropriate.  Thermal vents… source of life… phallic tubeworms....  Biology in action....  “That’s hawt”

See, that’s why the Creation Museum isn’t convincing.  That weak-ass diorama didn’t even show Adam’s phallic underwater tubeworm of generation.  Naooo.  We’re supposed to believe Adam didn’t grow a tubeworm until Eve done him wrong with Mr Snake?

Considering the shape similarity, maybe that was the punishment for Eve.  She’s reminded of that damn snake every time Adam wants to get it on…

I just hope for her sake it didn’t look anything like that Scotsmen.  Although, I think that we can definitively answer the question of “can it be TOO big?” OMG, yes. There are bulls that must envy him.

O jubilatum snortum!  Jepad, I just noticed what you actually wrote:

uncircumscribed penises

Reminds me of that old World History According to Student Bloopers in which Sir Francis Drake “circumcised the globe with a 100-foot clipper”.

I must be the only woman on this blog that thinks there’s something seriously hideous about the appearance of a circumcised penis. *shrug* They creep me out. It’s like when someone is missing the tip of their finger. It’s just oddly wrong . . . plus, the whole ones are fun in ways the chopped up ones can never be. *grin* And if you’ve never see Puppetry of the Penis, you’ve not really grasped all the uses of a foreskin. LOL!

I don’t know if it’s an actual joke, as in something with a punch line, but the classic way men would brag about size was to say their dick was like baby’s arm holding an apple. *ick* I’ve heard this and seen it in writing too often to think that it’s just men I know who are this disturbing.

I think he might take the size matters thing a little too far…

They’re weird looking either way.  So are women.  It’s like looking at internal organs: “Surely that doesn’t belong on the outside!” A constant reminder that we aren’t “finished”....

O jubilatum snortum!  Jepad, I just noticed what you actually wrote:

uncircumscribed penises

Reminds me of that old World History According to Student Bloopers in which Sir Francis Drake “circumcised the globe with a 100-foot clipper”.

OH, CRAP.  That was my bad…
And I’ve read that book.  I even remember the pic of Magellan (I thought it was Magellan) on that nail clipper.

Excuse me, I have to go hang myself in mortal embarrassment for that snafu.  Or maybe I should just prostate myself at the Typo Altar.

Although, with that penis, circumscribing it would be a trek…

They’re weird looking either way.  So are women.  It’s like looking at internal organs: “Surely that doesn’t belong on the outside!” A constant reminder that we aren’t “finished”....

No, no, no, iffygenia. You’re getting it all wrong.  We were designed this way.  We’re perfect.  Am I going to have to send you back to the Creation Museum? ;)

Well, Kalen, I hope when my son comes of age, he can meet a woman like you :) Because he’s quite unsnipped! Of course, he’s only 4 months right now, so he’s got some time…

Of course, if his boy bits end up that big, he’s got… um… bigger problems…

Sallyacious, the photo with the Queen is my favorite, too. That dude TOTALLY knew what he was doing - Check out the way he’s primly holding the hem of his kilt, compared with the laps of all the other bekilted Scots. A once-in-a-lifetime chance and he seized it!

No, no, no, iffygenia. You’re getting it all wrong.  We were designed this way.  We’re perfect.  Am I going to have to send you back to the Creation Museum?

No Mommy, I’ll be good.  Just spank me and take me to bed.

But Mommy?  If we’re designed in Dog’s image, does that mean Dog has a big ugly wiener?

Mommy?  Where’s MY wiener?

Holy crap! That guy is a bruiser--in more ways than one!

As for the last guy--yeah, it’s a good dirty joke, but if I was him I wouldn’t be so proud. Not impressive, that one. Awfully skinny, don’t you think?

So that’s where the Loch Ness Monster’s been hiding. Mystery solved.

Count me in the uncircumsized brigade! I like my penii unclipped. I still haven’t seen the slideshow, I’m a bit frightened…

“And if you’ve never see Puppetry of the Penis, you’ve not really grasped all the uses of a foreskin. LOL!”

Kalen; I don’t think that one’s going to be much use for a hamburger.... maybe a hotdog, tho.

Okay, this sucks.  Not only do I have NO idea what you’re talking about, but even if I wanted to download (which I do) I can’t!  Wah!!!  :(

So, may I have some chocolate?  Please?  :D

That was the best PowerPoint presentation I’ve ever sat through.

I don’t think uncircumscribed penis look like tube worms. I think they look like they’re wearing turtleneck sweaters.  Very adorable :-D Although I don’t know if ‘adorable’ is the words I’d use for cockzilla.

Charelen...ditto on the finding Ben comment.

Flasher next to the queen...his smile is big, but the rest isn’t.

Candy...thanks for sharing!

The only way that I can wrap my *mind* around the honker is that it is already as big as it’s ever going to get....it HAS to be, because any bigger and it would be sentient.

Wow, hard to pick a favorite there...so many things to see and think about. 

Speaking of remarkable penises, dare I link to one of the more unusual penis pictures I’ve seen floating around the internet?  Yes, yes I do dare.

Though I dare I will also include a warning that it’s probably even less worksafe than the men in kilts so caveat emptor and all that jazz.

I’m married to an uncircumcised man and my son is uncut as well, less trauma all around. Until my husband finds out I’ve told umpteen bitches about his penis.

I think of the foreskin as a little hoodie.

Fiveandfour’s penis picture isn’t so much scary as oh-my-god-what-is-that-thing-coming-at-me? (isn’t that what the virgin’s in historicals used to say?) so much as why-the-hell-would-that-guy-do-something-like-that-to-(most likely)-the-favorite-part-of-his-anatomy.

actually, I might still ask “what the hell is that thing coming at me?” if I had that guy standing between my legs too

Let’s face it, some men are showers and some are growers. I’m pretty sure cockzilla is a shower. Otherwise, gravity would probably cause a nasty injury.

fiveandfour, that’s some amazing work on the feller you linked to. I have a little tatt on my lower back and was a complete wimp about it. (I almost said weenie, heh!) I can’t imagine how much that “trouser dragon” must have hurt.

full15 - I should think so. There wasn’t a bit of it that was still the original color.

When I first saw that Puff picture I think my jaw hung open for a good long time while I marveled at the pain and the why?!? and the fact that the guy had to have gone back to the tattooists more than once to do that much work.  I came across comments made by the guy himself some time later and yes, he did have to go back several times over a period of months to complete the job.

He is gay, so I suspect the closest women are going to get to viewing that piece of work is from the comfort of their internet connections.

I’ve heard the ‘baby’s arm’ comment. But the joke I keep thinking about is:
‘Why, there’s nothing worn under a kilt, ma’am. It’s all in perfect working order.’

One would hope that anything the size of The Monster would function, but I wouldn’t want to see for myself. That’s just scary.

Why oh why, do I click on these things?  You think by now I’d have learned my lesson…

Oh my.  I was hoping “Puff” was just body paint, like this.

I’ve always had a thing for body paintings like that, iffygenia.  They make such imaginative use of the landscape of the body. 

Can’t imagine how that would tickle to be painted all over like that, or indeed having the kind of brain that goes naked man...elephant...naked man...elephant...YES!...naked man as elephant.

Dude! Who freeballs with the Queen? Have they no respect? No class? Though he was kinda grinning like, “Look at me, my wanker’s waving at the Queen!”

WV: Job85...something I should get back to, but holy hell, dude sitting on the grass is burned into my retinas and Excel makes no sense at this point.

That made my day.. regimental.. At least we know they felt a breeze

all I can say is…

WTF IS THAT THING?! Guy looks like he’s got an ARM growing from his crotch! I can’t tell if he’s the most popular guy in his town, or the town freak!

Wow. It looks like the snout of an elephant seal.

http://www.innatmorrobay.com/img/elephant_seals_color.jpg

Seem to be in the minority but circumcised penises look naked and weird.

Reminder to self;

Do not go to the SBTB website until you are wearing Depends undergarments.

*Off to change pants*

Well I’m FINALLY on a PC that has PowerPoint and SWEET MOTHER MARY!!! I think I might have understated when I tagged that monster Cockzilla! I certainly HOPE it’s a shower, not a grower, because displacing that much blood flow WOULD kill the poor lad.

I’m not sure what it says about me that I already had all the other pics, including Puff, in my eye candy folder. Oh wait, I already know what it says about me…

BevL(QB)<-- Pervy Old Broad

I have totally put that Cockzilla pic to good use.

From my blog review of the Immortals series:

“Notice the family resemblence? Yes, as you can see, only an Immortal demi-god could wield that mighty Cockzilla. A mere mortal would surely die from the diversion of blood flow.

The Immortal Brothers are eternally grateful to the Smart Bitches for finding their long lost (and up till now unknown) baby brother, Angus Hungwell.”

My image of Outlander’s Jamie has been forever ruined by cockzilla, but I better understand Claire’s blunt force trauma ;)

FYI - If you don’t have PowerPoint, you can download a free PowerPoint viewer from the Microsoft Office website.  You can view, but not edit, with it.

I always have wondered what they wore under kilts…

For the record, wearing a kilt sans underthings is called “going regimental”. It’s actually the required military uniform. In other words, part of inspection would be to check the bekilted soldiers to make sure they had on nothing “extra”. So the guy next to the Queen? Dressed appropriately. Everybody else in that picture is also freeballing.

omg. I am going to go to bed with the image of “Cockzilla” forever burned into my memory.  I still think the best picture is the one of the guy sitting next to the Queen with the all-knowing smirk on his face.  He HAS to know that he is showing off the family jewels to the world.

OMG. Nothing underneath, in cold climates, in the winter, with an itchy (I assume) wool kilt. Sheesh.

I wonder if the guy next to the Queen got in trouble.  Assuming of course that one isn’t a product of Photoshop.

And “Cockzilla”...wow.  Is that a freak of nature or what? (again, assuming Photoshop wasn’t used.) Must admit I haven’t personally viewed a random sample, so to speak, but still seems pretty big.

um ... the picture of the guy sitting next to the queen was Photoshopped - saw something about it when it was first making the rounds. But HMOG - that one would scare me into a vow of celibacy if I met it in real life.

Oh thank God Todd told us that, because I was praying he was photoshopped.  I think the arms look ‘shopped, too, but still… that monster looks like it’d hang to his knees!

Wait, wait, Todd said the guy next to the Queen was ‘shopped, not cockzilla.  Now I’m scared again.

I never heard the “baby’s arm holding an apple” comparison before (geesh), but knew this joke variant:

A man and a woman have gone out on several dates, and their relationship’s going well, except one or the other always seems to cut it short before they have sex. Finally, one night when they’re both in his apartment, they agree to talk about why they’re so hesitant. The woman says, “Well, to be honest, it’s because I pad my bra a lot—my breasts are only child-sized.” The man says, “Is that all? I guess we have similar worries—my penis is baby-sized.”

...aaand I’m sure y’all can finish the joke yourselves.