Ahoy from the Not Safe for Work department here at Bitchery HQ.
I’m not kidding about the Not Safe for Work Part. Please. Think of the children. And yourself.
From Melissa Marr, we have an amazing and dare I say brilliant link to what truly happens when you become Bejazzled. Bejazzling, if you’re not familiar, is when Swarovski crystals are applied to your waxed hey-nanner-nanner. Instead of a landing strip, for example, you have a sparkly strip.
Wouldn’t that… chafe, should someone engage in some action with her actual and literal glittery hoohah?
But then, nestled intimately alongside Melissa’s email came another email from Gry, who sent in this piece of Norwegian majesty: Ad for over-filled swimming trunks … sometimes there can be too much sausage.
Ok, that’s Gry’s translation from Norwegian, but if you look at the picture, you get… the picture. Here’s the rest of the article, translated:
The German sportswear store might have selected slightly larger size for the
model.One of the readers of the Swiss online news page Blick.ch discovered the potent ad picture in the web store of Sportcheck, a german sport equipment retailer.
One of the models is shown wearing a classical pair of swimming trunks from Adidas. But, as the reader discovered, the trunks were either too small, or the model had too much body. Alternatively, somone has screwed up rather badly while photoshopping.
(The picture has been removed from the web shop page)
Wow. Glitter and wang! In one entry! How do I cope?
With a contest, of course. These two are destined to meet, the bejazzling investigator and the overburdened swimsuit model. I’ve got a $25 gift certificate up for grabs (ha!) to the person who comes up with the best romance novel title for these two lovely people. The Overhung Swimsuit Model’s Glittery Virgin? Caught In His Swimtrunks by The Sparkle?
Comments close in 24 hours, and you’re more than welcome to pimp your favorite to try to sway my vote.
The Jewel and the Crown Jewels
Dazzling Duke Dick
The Unhidden Jewel
The Seven Year Itch
Treasure Down Below
Lover Really Revealed
Drop Trou Gorgeous
I know I should be asleep. And the ver words? Southern and service. How very appropriate.
Crotch-ing Sparkle, Not-So-Hidden Wang
Oh, eccentric and awesome universe as represented by teh webnets, how I love thee! Also, puns 🙂
Suggested titles:
Rough Diamonds / Diamonds in the Rough
Beauty and the Bits
A Multifaceted Woman
Buried Treasure
Flying Sparks
A Very Long Enamourment (if that’s not a word, it should be)
Jewelled For His Pleasure
Crystal Meets Long John
Vajazzled
The Bedazzling Foot Long Affair
ROTFLMAO!!!!!!!!!!
I really, really must stop drinking coffee whilst reading SBTB. I really must.
Sir Gawang’s Forbidden Love for the Crowned Queen
Vajazzled at the Well-Hung Swimwear Tycoon’s Command
That’s all I got. It’s early.
The Bulging Jewel Thief’s Tempting Virgin Narcissist
The German Sausage Merchant’s Shimmering Hairless Bride
Awright, so my contribution is not romance-y. But I thought of the conjunction of little crystals and long dongs, I snorted thinking of my fav Japanese festival food.
So – The Confetti Banana?
Banana Dragee?
Passionate Jewels of the Fruits of Love!
To get a visual, check the links – one to my Flickr set, another to Japan Newb page! I think all may agree that all young J-girls enjoy these treats a lot! Mmm…choco banana. On a STICK! Even comes in your choice of phallus colors – brown, pink and green!
http://www.flickr.com/photos/crimsongriffin/4268706650/sizes/l/
http://www.japannewbie.com/2006/11/01/chocolate-banana/
Vajazzled and Exposed
Hehehe, my word verification is plant69
Dave Longjohnson Meets Virginia Discovag
The Dick and the Diamond (true 80’s style, that one)
Sparkling Love Dew ( (a bit porn-y, I guess)
Her Little Secret and His Big One
Tight and Sparkling
Holiday in Tahiti: The Norwegian Tycoon’s Sparkly Virgin Revenge
He will desparkle her in one mighty thrust and leave her in the dust.
Hung Swimstar and the Crystal Tunnel of Love
this is the well-known sequel to:
Hung Swimstar meet the Vampiress
Do you know how much I love these titles? I can’t even tell you. I’m desperate for caffeine yet afraid to have liquid anywhere near my face.
“The Dick and the Diamond?” That is so James Bond-y I can’t even sit up.
If I could do such a thing, I’d give away a prize to have your own bedazzling appointment, but then I’d be inflicting Brazilian wax on someone.
Even though that trunk picture is worth a thousand words, here’s my contribution because I couldn’t help myself:
Size Matters But Carats Do More
Not just any girl will turn this tycoon’s head, he has to be…
“Distracted by Shiny Things”
Or some Regencies:
The Bedazzlement of Duke Peepingdong
Miss Crotchrocks and the Case of the Problematic Puss-Pearl
“Diamonds are forever…and so is the rash from the adhesive”
Need more coffee to be creative.
Long, Hard Disco Nights
The Over-The-Top Swimsuit Model and his Jewel-Encrusted Bride (well-endowed swimsuit model meets fiesty blogger and discovers that more than her wit is sparkling)
Hmmmmm…I can’t keep reading this stuff at work, my manager thinks I am crazy because I am shaking with laughter at my desk.
How about
“Swimming in Diamonds”
or
“Between a Rock and a Hard Place”
Packin’ Heat and the Sparkly Treat
The Well-Hung Swimmers’ Virgin Vajazzler
Peek-a-boo Wang and the Glittering Hoo-Hoo
Jewels of Denial
Love’s Burning Shine
Love’s Shining Burn
Dirk Turgid and the Crystal Cave
Hmmm.. I’ll throw my hat into the ring…. For some reason I am seeing a Circus in my mind….
– The Diva Circus Permformer’s Elephant Man
– How to Tame a Bedazzled Burlesque Dancer
– Shining Under the Big Top
And now… Pirates! *drum roll*
– Captain Tallywhacker and the Plundered Diamonds
– Crakken-Killer, Diamanté Damsel
– Diamond Cove
And this just popped into my head:
“…When Cassandra created her figure skating outfits, she made sure no detail was left out, and that everything matched perfectly, with no worries. But, unfortunately, she did worry about how to find an outfit for her partner that fit properly. She was always afraid of catching her skate on his ‘appendage’, and the gynormous thing wobbled when he did his throws…. it really ruined her concentration! She sighed, her thoughts interrupted as she poked her fingers through the crotch of yet another ruined pair of pantihose. They just didn’t reinforce them how they used to….”
Drowned in Diamonds, Drenched in Pearls
The Hardy Boys and the Crystal Cave
Crystal Blue Persuasion
The Lifeguard’s Guide to Love
Mouth to Mouth
Sea of Love
Diamond Head: Honeymoon in Hawaii
It’s not your Granny’s Bedazzling!
Or simply !!!!Bedazzled!!!! (jazz hands)
Visuals of the Broadway play running through my head!
I showed this to The Hubs and he voted for the bareness w/o the sparkles.
Romancing the Dong – She has a diamond-encrusted hoohaw. He has the equipment to strip mine.
Dong on a Sparkly Tin Hoochie
Diamond Hoohaws Are Forever
Vajazzled and Let Dong
A View to a Dong
Dong Up and Vajazzle Me
Okay, I’m sinking fast. Time for more coffee. However, when I saw the swimsuit picture, my first thought was: Gives whole new meaning to being able to touch your nose with your tongue…
The African Diamond Tycooness’s Turgid Pool Boy
Shaft Steele and the Penetration of the Diamond Hymen
Glitter Vajazzle and the Blooming of the Purple Manroot
spamword: cover37—you could cover a lot of hey-nanner-nanner with 37 crystals.
Twink and the Twinkle: Over exposed
“The Jewels and the Crown”
“Sparkling ‘Gina, Winking Wang”
“The Bedazzled Virgin and the Millionaire’s Bursting Banana Hammock”
I guess you didn’t come across this discussion:
http://lucymarch.com/?p=661
There is already so much brilliance here (and there will no doubt be more. Much more!)
My attempt:
One-eyed Jack and the Diamond Lady
Bedazzle This!
The Overly Decorated Mistress’s Olympic Champion
Vajizzled
Gloria in Nether Regions (or Neither Regions, depending on writer, of course)
spamword: lay62 No, not going there…
One more:
Mining Mons Veneris
Foreskindiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Vag
Meagan, you’re a genius. If you don’t mind, a mashup:
“Foreskindiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Bursting Banana Hammock”
Glitterai and the Big Bear
The Glittery Brazilians Dazzling Strip
The Big Sparkling Diamond