Smart Bitches Trashy Books | All of the romance, none of the bullshit.

“Not the pussy I was expecting.”

As an extremely ugly woman walks across the street…

“Screw having a face that shows everything I feel. I’ll just let this cat do all the work for me!”

His move to a new town was the best decision Jake had ever made; he now had more pussy than he could ever handle.

I don’t know why, but every time I look at it, I want him to be saying, “Hey, pussy, get off my back!” in a slightly jovial manner.

Lucy and the LoLpha Male.

The Pussy with Nine Lives

The man who lucked out with the unlucky pussy.

I can has backrub?

Cat on a hot tan man.

(Not that I think he’s necessarily hot)

WTF?!?

That’s srsly the most messed up cover image I think I’ve ever seen.  And there are some really messed up ones out there.

You know how money begats money?  Well…

Is that a cat on your back or are you just happy to see me?

The Furry Next Door

Lucy Fur, the Satanist Cat Fancier

“It’s a Hell of a Good Time”

Wizard Dimplepuss and his Familiar, Reiki WLTM sexy female for fun, loner dates and possibly more. No fatties, no deadbeats. Own car a plus.

What? A pussy on your back is better than a monkey on your back. Pass the candy corn.

Don’t cross my path, dammit!

1) Caption:  “Okay Genie, very funny.  You know I meant the other kind of pussy...”

2) Back cover copy-style:  [In a movie announce voice] “The billionaire playboy stood head and shoulders above the rest… Golden tresses, massive shoulders, a commanding presence.  He was powerful… seductive… As a mark of his virility, instead of a _monkey_ on his back, he had a pussy...”

*snorfles*

Oh hell… if it’s worth doing, it’s worth going for overkill.

Revision of my #1 above:
“Okay Genie, very funny.  You know I meant the other kind of pussy… and can we re-open the discussion about the eight-inch pianist as well?”

*flees*

I am loving these!! LOL

And who’d have thought there would be so many pussy references? *le gasp* I’m shocked!

I think this is the best 25 cents I’ve ever spent.  Who cares that it smells like mothballs? :)

Thanks, Sarah!

Puss n’ Boots…

...and Fluffy, too.

“I said I wanted some black pussy, but this wasn’t quite what I meant...”

Look what my Warlock ass did to the last bitch who didn’t pay her share of the rent.

Seven years bad luck?  Have you seen what she can do with her tongue?

Now that he had Lucy, he wasn’t lonely anymore.

Kitty on my back and I wanna touch it…
Kitty on my back and I wanna touch it…

Who cares that it smells like mothballs? :)

Jen, in order to get rid of the smell, put the book into a freezer bag with some odour controlling litter tray gravel inside. Seal bag, wait a few days, and the smell should be gone. Or so I’ve heard. :)

The first sent me into paroxysms of laughter.  I may never recover.  I used to read these religiously, but don’t remember that one . . .

Spam word wrote49—that’s about how many words I’ve written today—away from the blog and back to the book . . . .

Lucy loved a man who’d let her walk all over him.

Tan McLargepecs had only been in the neighborhood two days and already he’d gotten some pussy. It was the best move he’d ever made!

I can haz pussy?

Silhouette Desire breaks new ground in their groundbreaking new series of man/animal romances!

Will Lucy the unlucky-in-love black cat ever find the man of her dreams? Will Trent McCormick ever have a pussy of his own? Can they learn to trust each other enough to admit that their hearts are tired of being . . . loners?

Find out in the first of Silhouette Desire‘s new Man(imal) of the Month series: Lucy and the Loner!

(seriously, why is there no woman on this cover? and why is he looking lovingly and happily at the cat?)

After a lifetime of rejection, Lucy finally found the man of her dreams. He was both accepting and sensitive, a man who loved pussy regardless of color or location.

Don’t have a caption for this, but I need to rant that it’s impossible for a cat to be standing on that man’s back without freaking out and grabbing the shirt with its mighty claws. Have tried with five cats, different sizes and have the scratches to prove it.

Wait! I have a caption:
“More to the left, more… right there. Ouch! You promised no nails”

“It wasn’t until Lucy showed him her pussy that he realized just how much of a dog man he was.”

OR

“How disappointing. He’d thought Lucy was a little kinky when she told him she’d show him her pussy in the great outdoors. Yet he still held out hope that when she said they’d need a paddle, she wasn’t thinking of taking him to the lake to see the canoes.”

I can’t think of a caption that’s better than the ones already listed, but I just have to say that this is the only drawing I’ve ever seen that looks like it was Photoshopped.

“Back of, Bitches, he’s mine.”

Srsly, though, that cat looks ready to attack.

I could make some horrid joke about that, but Petcka took all the humor out of “attack cat” jokes, for me.

Spamword: progress43.  yes, I AM making progress.  no longer do I break down and cry about that.

SUMMER HEAT ....One mans HEAT is another cats passion

Btw, does he have any arms?

(With apologies to “Weird” Al Yankovic’s “Gotta Boogie”...)

Got some pussy! (backup singers: Got pusssy!)
Got some pussy! (backup singers: Got pusssy!)
Got some pussy on my shoulder and I can’t get it off!

Spamword: now34. No, I’m actually older than that.

“I said can, not man!” Basement Cat exclaimed just before shredding the interloper with all 16, razor-sharp claws.

The burden of pussy weighs heavily on every mans shoulders.  LOL This is awsome...I could do this all day.

Four legs and a heart beat.

WTF????
Anyhow, a caption....
Meeeooooowwww.

Lucy and the Scratching Post

You lick, I’ll shave.

Get your paws off my man!

I loved “Cat on a Hat Tan Man.” I love all of them, but I love that one especially.  And Lizzie’s whole new line of Silhouettes!

2 days after consuming Purina cat food for hairballs, puss has to wonder what the hell had she been licking in order to hack THIS up?

Black Magic Virgin Pussy and the Greek Tycoon Who Loved Her

I wish I could put something clever around this, but I’m seeing…

A reverse werecat (Turns into a woman once a month) being territorial about her man.

I’d actually read a story like that.

Katiebabs, you’ve inspired me.

The Incongruously Blond Italian Billionaire’s Familiar Mistress

“What’s that, Lucy? Kill them all!? Why, I could never do such a thing! No, no, it’s nothing like back in Dayton! People will like me here...”

Lance was starting to realize why he was such a loner. Well, at least he had his best friend. She would always love him. Even if no one else could see her…

Suze,
Took me a miniute for the light bulb to go off in my head. Familiar! LOL

A reverse werecat (Turns into a woman once a month) being territorial about her man.

I once read a book called Howling Mad by Peter David, about a wolf who was bitten by a werewolf and turned into a man every full moon.  It was awesome!

Heh. changes13

i haz ur heero
u bring cheezbrgr
or no happyend fur u

(floor65: where his bits will be, and in how many pieces, if the demands aren’t met)

Just stay away from my ass, rodentbreath. 

(From the NEW! Silhouette BDSM line: Stroke Me, Poke Me, Choke Me.)

A reverse werecat (Turns into a woman once a month) being territorial about her man.

I’d actually read a story like that.

Alex, there actually is a story about a housecat in love with her owner. Freaky as hell. Man, I wish I could remember the title!

One cat. One man. One forbidden love.

Ok, found the book about the cat in love with her owner:

The Cat’s Fancy by Julie Kenner. It looks hilarious! So cute.

“Oh, Luceee...” he said, in a thick Cuban accent.

After finding his glasses on his nose, Jerry was frantically searching his cat.

*disclaimer* I did not read most of the comments so I don’t know if I’m treading on anybody’s train of thought…

This is one man who knows how to keep a pussy around.

or

He loved his clingy black pussy.

Courtesy of the Decadent post stirring up my memory:

“Welcome to ménage, kitten. Get ready to know the meaning of multiple orgasms.”

I vote Amy!

Tho fur dat hero, I no bring chezburgers.

Cat Scratch Fever

I can’t narrow it down, my favorites are Elf, Kristen, Marguerite, Tina M., and Katiebabs.

hee, since JenB started all this, my caption seems appropriate.

WTF U mean, hoomin? Y U teld dat woomin U like teh kittahs wif no fur?!

Oh and my votes so far are for

MFreeman said on…
09.30.08 at 11:35 AM |
“What’s that, Lucy? Kill them all!? Why, I could never do such a thing! No, no, it’s nothing like back in Dayton! People will like me here...”

and

Karen said on…
09.30.08 at 10:07 AM |
Cat on a hot tan man.

I vote for Karen’s,

Cat on a hot tan man.

LOVE this cover. I would totally snatch this book off the shelf.

I can make a pussy purr with a stroke of my hand… (Thanks, Mauren for getting that song stuck in my head!)

A stud and his pussy are never parted?

Because nothing attracts a woman more than a man who loves his pussy!  (You guys are right--I could do this all day!)

‘This wasn’t what he had in mind when Mrs. Slocumbe offered him her pussy.’

Heh! I love them all, but I have to vote for Amy, for rising above the not-at-all-obvious pun.

After completing the jail sentence incurred during the drunken-driving incident that saw both the revocation of his driver’s license and the demise of the talking car, Michael Knight was forced to find companionship with a different kind of KITT

wo-oah, black kitty, bam-a-lam, wo-oah, black kitty, bam-a-lam

Well, I know the concept’s been done a bit already, but here goes.

Who needs an angel when you’ve got a pussy on your shoulder?

He liked his pussy high, black and sassy.

McCormick wanted a pussy on his arm, Lucy wanted to walk all over her man - It was a match made in heaven!

Lucky me, I actually own this book! I owned the last one too and just read it. It’s quite good.

I like “familiar mistress” best, ‘cause how to choose between 500 pussy jokes?

LOVE this cover. I would totally snatch this book off the shelf.

That’s what I said when I saw it!

I’m keeping it. This cover’s so full of WTF it ain’t even funny. A painting of a tanned man with a dopey look on his face, obligatory animal FTFO, and title that has nothing to do with the cover photo.

I’m kind of nervous about reading it though. o_O I’ll have to report back when I do that.

Bev(QB) - U iz nasteh. Hairless kittehs.*snort*

I LOL on Karen’s.....What cat needs a hot tin roof

Karen said on…
09.30.08 at 10:07 AM |
Cat on a hot tan man.

This is for you, Bev(QB):

“He usually preferred his pussy tight, blonde, and hairless, but he decided for Lucy he’d make an exception.” Mee-owwww!

As Fred looked to Shaggie & Scobbie holding hands he said....Who’s jealous NOW BITCHES.

Puss ‘n Boots

Wow, it IS hard to choose between all the different pussies—er, pussy jokes, I mean.

I like Amy’s cheezburger caption a lot, but my vote’s gotta go for Cat on a Hot Tan Man.

I miss you already, Paul Newman.  *sniffle*

He stroked the soft pussy until she arched her back…

The overly tanned man cast a devious look back at his soon-to-be lover’s house.  “Sabrina won’t have a choice but to talk to me now.”

Cat to vet: “Well, it started with a lump on my hind paw...”

I vote for MFreeman...that was some funny.

Psychopath hero with talking invisible cat = win!
All he needs is a monkey in the closet.

“With a hiss of disgust, Lucy realized that the plump rodent she’d just pounced upon was in fact Mickey MacFinn, billionaire were-mouse and trailer park entrepreneur with a tale to tell.”

“What’s new, Pussycat?”

Jesus! When my girlfriend said if I’d feed the cat, she’d make claw marks on my back, this isn’t what I had in mind.

Don’t have a caption for this, but I need to rant that it’s impossible for a cat to be standing on that man’s back without freaking out and grabbing the shirt with its mighty claws. Have tried with five cats, different sizes and have the scratches to prove it.

Actually, my cat, who looks amazingly like the one on the cover, does this to me all the time.  Especially when I’m gardening.

The Human is MINE.

Suz, Lizzie (can hardly wait for that new Silhouette line to hit the shelves!) and Lucidscreamer all have my vote. Er, welcome to menage… (snork!)

Actually, these ALL had me laughing - hard to choose just one… er, three.

reached25 - yes, some time ago.  :)

“Hey, pussy, I’ve got something here for you in my jeans.”

It was the placement of his hand that looks like its reaching around his side that made me do it.  I swear.

How about “Under the Cat’s Paw” [historical-speak for “Pussywhipped"]

“He was so hot he’d get pussy thrown at him from cars.”

Got two more, equally tasteless:

Although the operation gave him the pussy he’d always wanted, the physician put it in the wrong place.

OR

If a woman is defined by her pussy, does it matter if the surgeon placed it incorrectly?

Actually, my cat, who looks amazingly like the one on the cover, does this to me all the time.  Especially when I’m gardening.

Damn! I know I should have tried a black cat, orange and gray are just not the same. Or maybe my cats are neurotic.

I vote in no particular order:

Karen:

Cat on a hot tan man.

katiebabs:

Black Magic Virgin Pussy and the Greek Tycoon Who Loved Her

Suze:

The Incongruously Blond Italian Billionaire’s Familiar Mistress

1) Wizarding 101 - Be VERY specific in what you wish for

2) The billionaire cat’s Butler

3) Putting a black cat on your back does NOT mitigate the bad luck you got while S***ing the mistress under the garden ladder

4) Wizards be ware - A Cat Familiar does not work the same as a familiar cat.

5) Authors - please make sure that your publisher does not us pictures fro the LolCat site for book cover options.

6) “Black Passion” sensation prickling up your spine - does not include cats.

I vote for Karmyn’s first, and for Amy.  Here are my humble contributions.

“Roemanse novle covr: ur doin it rong”

“What is the love that dare not speak its name?”

Mr. Tinkles and the Man Titty Litter?

Voting for Lizzie’s new Silhouette series.  Priceless!

I like:

Jesus! When my girlfriend said if I’d feed the cat, she’d make claw marks on my back, this isn’t what I had in mind. (Cate)

and

“Hey, pussy, I’ve got something here for you in my jeans.” (Pat)

and

‘This wasn’t what he had in mind when Mrs. Slocumbe offered him her pussy.’ (Karmyn) BTW I love that show!

Basement cat lured him with offers of massage and unlimited pussy.

I would just have to pick…
Deb Kinnard with Cat to vet: “Well, it started with a lump on my hind paw...”
But I also love Karmyn’s ‘This wasn’t what he had in mind when Mrs. Slocumbe offered him her pussy.’ I’ve always loved the pussy jokes on Are You Being Served?

“Yes, yes, do my bidding, weird loner man! Worm your way into the hearts of the family McCormick… make them pay for not splurging for Fancy Feast! There’s hair gel and David Hasselhoff records in it for you, this I promise.”

While just about every one of these made me laugh, this one made me laugh the hardest:

After completing the jail sentence incurred during the drunken-driving incident that saw both the revocation of his driver’s license and the demise of the talking car, Michael Knight was forced to find companionship with a different kind of KITT

One more from me.

‘Roger quickly learned that ‘Would you like to see my pussy?’ was not such a great pick up line.

Quasimoto gets a date…

Could be possibly be just a little more hunched over?

Spam word: truth74 - AMEN!

That cat is looking seriously scary.

“What you lookin’ at bitch?”

(And heh heh to Welcome to menage kitten)

There’s a lovely (but long out of print) novel called OPHELIA by Florence Stevenson.  It’s a contemporary in which a rich old lady leaves her fortune to her cat.  Her wicked nephew drops poor Ophelia down a well; her last thought is “I wish I were human; I’d get even with you!” And it happens to be a wishing well…

The old lady’s handsome son shows up to snaffle the inheritance, and is surprised to find a lovely naked lady in the well.  A naked lady who can’t talk, walks on all fours, and drinks by lapping from a bowl.  He teaches her to be human; they fall in love; and the dastardly nephew gets what he deserves.

http://tinyurl.com/4txmek

As for the caption--"Lucy couldn’t wait to get her claws into this guy--he was the cat’s meow!”

Oh, shit.  It’s not even a pussy.  It’s a tom.

“Okay Genie, very funny.  You know I meant the other kind of pussy… and can we re-open the discussion about the eight-inch pianist as well?”

Elf - you made me LOL with this one.  Thanks for that.

a man’s best friend is his pussy.

OR

Lucy knew he had mad skills when she saw how well he could balance a cat on his back while walking and not looking where he was going.

my vote:

Karen:

Cat on a hot tan man.

Fuck a duck, baby, feline lovin’ is the cat’s ass!  Oh gods, stop me, please.

I vote for (in no particular order)

Kathleen:

“He was so hot he’d get pussy thrown at him from cars.”

Galadriel:

“It wasn’t until Lucy showed him her pussy that he realized just how much of a dog man he was.”

And now I can’t find it because it’s past my bedtime, but the reference to Mrs. Slocumbe.  “Take a peek through the mail slot, and if you can see my pussy, slip a sardine under the door!” (doubtlessly misquoted, but that was the gist)

Totally off-topic but....have any of the New Yorkers here seen the guy who walks up and down Broadway with a cat on his head?  He wears a baseball cap, backwards, and balanced on the baseball cap is a medium-sized black and white cat, on a leash, that sits on his head Egyptian style.  That’s what the cover made me think of.

Back on topic: I vote for Cat on a Hot Tan Man

Perrrrrrfect Pussy Handler

“im on ur menz
replacin ur pussy”

“im on ur menz
replacin ur pussy”

Holy shit!  I totally ruined my screen laughing at that one. LOL!

hehehehehe

h’mmmm . . .  how about “Feline Faves: Don’t NOBODY move or the shoulder is GROUND MEAT!”

[with apologies to Queen of Wands, the entire Latin language and Disney)

*woman shrugs* Well you’ve heard of vagina dentata, but I have

Ungu vagina
What a wonderful phrase
Ungu vagina
Ain’t no passin’ craze.
It means no nookie
For the rest of your days…
It’s a penis free…
Girl cavity
Ungu vagina

ungu vagina ungu vagina.....

this broad better not have a kennel in teh house

Back the F off. He’s mine.

Because it has to be said ---

All your pussy are belong to us!

Rebecca--this guy?

http://tinyurl.com/3fskbc

When McCormick answered the personal ad for “ someone who wants to get a little pussy” he didn’t expect this.

My first thought: “Basement Cat commands you to buy this book.”

have any of the New Yorkers here seen the guy who walks up and down Broadway with a cat on his head?

No I am usually too busy watching for the Naked Cowboy.

scratch my back, and I’ll scratch yours

My litterbox. It’s MOVIN’.

I wasn’t the only one to think he look hunched over and think of Quasimido - The humped back cat of Notre Damn

And that cat looks so mad he could spit so – spitting pussy from behind?

But my favourites so far, Tina M - You lick, I’ll shave, and Eunice & Deb Kinnard

“What do you mean, you hope she neuters me too?  All that hostility, just because I bought dry kibble?”

Hairless kittehs.

Oh Jen Puhleeze! You started it! Heeh!!!!

Word: Getting65....which isn’t near as good as getting 69 :D

She wanted Jake.  But first she had to get past his pussy.

Lucy always got her man.

And when she got him, she sank her claws into him and didn’t let go.

Stupid human vehicular transport, turn left! Left I say!

Dr. Seuss’ entry into the Romance Market:

THE CAT ON THE LAT

“This cat should not be here, he should not be about! He should not be here when the Loner is out!”

I can’t even try to make a clever pun.  This is seriously distressing.  And isn’t “loner” what they always call the guy with the dead bodies in his crawl space?

Okay, I’ll make an attempt, though I am seriously disturbed by this bizarre image:

“This is not what I meant when I said the hero is a ‘pussy magnet’.”