Smart Bitches Trashy Books | All of the romance, none of the bullshit.

Ah. Probably worse than you imagine.

Musk, sandalwaood, the marine effect of salt that makes your mouth water, something or other metallic. I won’t even try to translate the whole thing, because my French is getting rusty and the writing is pretty bad.

But some of the other perfumes are as bad or worse. “Putain des palaces” means palace whore. “Nombril immense” is giant bellybutton. “Charogne” is cadaver or carrion - mmmm yum!. Those are the worst of them. Well, maybe “Vierges et toreros” which is virgins and bullfighters, but at least you get a good romance novel out of the last one ;)

My French is rusty, but it’s there enough for me to go O.o at the text. 

It’s kinda like the vajaja perfume - I have nothing against the scent, but I’m not sure I want to bathe in it either.

My French classes never extended to such vocab so I’m going to have to take your word for it...and once again, I pass!

Putain Des Palaces

I love it!

I sent this to my son the francophone.  I expect that college French minor to finally pay off!

I’ve heard of spraying a little behind your ears, but…

If you click the little British flag, Les Parfums turns into Perfume, and you can read all the glorious descriptions in English.  The penis one begins “Like blood, sweat, sperm, saliva, Secretions Magnifiques is as real as an olfactory coitus . . .”

Darnies, I didn’t see the little British flag!

“Olfactory coitus” sounds painful.

Wow, reading the English descriptions of those scents puts the purple prose of romance novels to shame. I was also amused by the penis-gun that was the illustration for “I am a Man” perfume.

I have to admit I’m kinda scared of the Penisgun. I’am a man wow, waaaaaaay to much freudian for me.

It sounds like a parody site to me.

Oh, please let it be a parody site.

Oh, they have candles, too! The holidays are not far off. How about an “Entrecuisse” (Between-the-thighs) Candle for someone you love?

...and my word: own69

//I have to admit I’m kinda scared of the Penisgun. I’am a man wow, waaaaaaay to much freudian for me.//

It gives a whole new meaning to the song title “Bang Bang (My Baby Shot Me Down)”.

Verification word is major45. As in, that site is a major case of WTF?

An IM conversation inspired by this lovely thread…

Friend: why did i click on the penis perfume site?
Kayleigh: um
Friend: why did i let the smart bitches link lure me?
Kayleigh: i didn’t know there was one
Friend: why did i look at the trainwreck?
Kayleigh: it smells like....?
Friend: an “olfactory coitus”
Friend: i don’t think i want that put up my nose.
Kayleigh: well we know my opinion of anything dealing with jizz.
Friend: i want to know why it’s trendy now in continental europe to smell like bodily secretions.
Kayleigh: i don’t try to understand european trends
Kayleigh: certain aspects of the universe are beyond understanding.  The concept of infinity.  Pinpointing evolution.  Hurricane formation.  The French.
Kayleigh: Why doesn’t a duck’s quack echo?
Kayleigh: Why do the French want to smell like peen?
Kayleigh: Where is Jimmy Hoffa?  Who thought it was a good idea to let Britney Spears procreate?  Why does Europe make vajayjay perfume?
Kayleigh: Mysteries of the cosmos, m’dear.

Is it wrong that I want to own Putain Des Palaces just for the laugh factor?

It’s nice to know I wasn’t the only one driven from the room in blind, abject terror.

I did click the little British flag, and immediately wished I hadn’t.  I don’t want to know what it says!  Why did I let it tell me what it says?  Mommy, if I scrub hard enough, will I stop feeling dirty?

my word: foreign45 Oh yes, this is certainly foreign.

OMG, check out the text for “Delicious Closet Queen”!

Personally, I’m in love with the “Delicious Closet Queen.”

He is sophisticated and excels in the art of concealing, yet some details betray him: here the sheen of a satin cuff, there the finesse of a manicured hand. Under the powerful trail of vetiver leather and Tonka bean is concealed the sensuous personality of Putain des Palaces aroused by an overdose of dynamone, benzoin and opoponax, like a streak of lip gloss revealed here by the presence of rose essence. He is a master of pretence and skillfully dissimulates his true nature: he disguises it and imprisons it in the mirror of his compact powder case.

Oh yeah, that’s sublime mes amis.

“Don’t Get Me Wrong Baby” is also hilarious, with a punchline to remember.

Like blood, tears, sperm, saliva.  Veritable olfactory sex.  “Secretions Magnifiques” takes you to the peak of orgasm,the moment that’s each time new where desire triumphs over reason.  His adrenaline, all acute notes, discharges in a rush of aldehydes.  The refreshing effect is captivating.  Then the parfume revels in its metalic aspect, precise, sharp, like unappeased desire.  One stands on razor wire.  Sweat drenched skin with the odor of musk and sandalwood.  An effect like the sea, lightly salted, excites the tastebuds and makes the mouth water.  Tongues and sexes meet, the pleasure explode, and everything topples.  Fluid mechanics, confusion of kind (don’t understand this one, sounds pretty though).  This subversive, maddening perfume provokes a following.  Or an outright rejection.  The games of love seldom play out in half measures.  Between Don Juan and the willing woman, it’s a war zone (arms dump, literally) but who bows before whom?

Well, I was just thinking I wanted to brush up on my French.  And my chance came!

Did anybody else notice the one that said “I don’t swallow”?

heh-heh, Sarah… thought you might like that.

Belated congrats for the birth-giving!

Les Français ont un mot pour dire cela: fromage.

Bam, December:

What the heck were you guys Googling to get sent to this site?

I found a review of the “perfume”:

http://www.mimifroufrou.com/scentedsalamander/2007/01/secretions_magnifiques_by_etat.html

What the heck were you guys Googling to get sent to this site?

“smells like jizz”

“Gee, your secretions smell terrific”.

(Followed a link in a Gawker comments, actually.)

To the person up the thread (sorry, too lazy to scroll up), it’s actually good French. Purple to the last comma, yes, but some damn good French. I read both versions and that’s when I started to cringe. Some stuff just doesn’t translate well.
My favorite was Charogne! Now THAT’s a smell!

Christine, that review made me think of “Sex Panther” from Anchorman.

okay, has anyone clicked on the little penis circle at the top of the page and gone to the photo of the mouth?  Am I wrong or are those lips dressed up to look ...... anal?  whew!  those french!!

Well, I checked out his credentials and the creator worked and trained at Givenchy!!!!

I think sniffing all those musky base notes gave him a bad case of Nombril Immense, LOL!

How can someone go from making Ysatis (my mother’s favorite) or Amarige to Entrecuisse?

I’m just shocked by their shipping prices-- 31.50E to ship from France to the US? That’s over 40$ USD, which is bullshit for two bottles of perfume. There’s no way in hell it’d cost that much, unless they’re sending it cradled in the arms of Mercury himself.

It cost me 60 USD to ship my business cards from the US to Germany.

The cards were worth 40 USD.

Yes, I hate them with passion.

So EUR 30.00 sounds about right for two bottles of perfume, although I’m not even sure folks are allowed to ship liquids anymore.

That site is hilarious and they probably don’t even know it.

To the person up the thread (sorry, too lazy to scroll up), it’s actually good French.

It is, but it’s pretty bad English.

I’m just shocked by their shipping prices-- 31.50E to ship from France to the US?

With those prices, they should be an American company shipping to Canada.

You know, I always regretted studying Spanish in school instead of French.

Until now.

Okay, so the composition ingredients seem pretty straightforward as far as perfume is concerned, even the notes animales, aka animal gladular products. So this brand’s only conceit is to have thought up raunchy names for their scents and written, let us say, evocative descriptions.

Apparently, “raunch” is in at the moment in perfumery circles. (See this Globe and Mail article.) What joy to be able to tell your man you’re wearing “Carrion” when he inquires about your enticing new scent!

Bitch, please!