Smart Bitches Trashy Books | All of the romance, none of the bullshit.

YAAAAY cover snark!!!

The Very Virile Viking is one of my all time favorite romantic humor books.
Damn that man looks better in a miniskirt than I ever would.

....Eric Carle is writing romance now?

Hey, I’ve read that last one! More than once. He’s not really a Viking, it’s contemporary. A really good story, I should hunt down a copy.

I cry tears of joy over the return of the beloved Cover Snark!

The apparant age of the girl in the last cover as compared to the apparant age of the guy-

Who, to me, looks more Charleton Heston during the “# 41” stint in Ben Hurr.

-is giving me major heebie jeebies.

Re: My Fair Viking.

The rain in Haverigg stays mainly in the dal?

Nope, doesn’t scan :)

And I agree with rebyj—hoorah for cover snark!

The Very Virile Viking also has wide child-bearing hips. Seriously, he’s got an hour-glass figure, there.

Beloved Viking #2 (with the apple slice necklace) looks like he’s gazing in a nearby mirror with approval. If you look at his face and you can almost hear him thinking, “Damn, I’m pretty.”

Whereas the woman attached to his leg looks like she’s thinking, “Did I remember to turn the stove off?”

The girl on the Betty Brooks “Beloved Viking” cover looks like the girl from the Tv Show “The Wonder Years”

Nothing says virile like a short leather skirt. Very short. So short the sun and the moon are out at the same time.
Ha! I snorted at that!!  Indeed, these are some snark-worthy covers.  Viking fashion...wow.

To be fair to the metrosexual viking, Vikings were well known for their grooming habits - bathing every week (!) and brushing their hair (and beards, if they’re men*). In fact there’s an English text which complains that the well-groomed Vikings keep stealing all the English women. Hee.

*It’s worth noting that, in Viking society, having a beard was a must-have for every manly man. If you were a Viking male, you grew (or tried to grow) a beard. Mr Clean Shaven? Not very virile at all, by Viking cultural standards.

/history geek :)

1. Jon Bon Jovi is gorgeous (OMG SO NOT SAFE FOR WORK), but he’s a bit old for Katherine Hagel.

2. Didn’t Katarina Witt wear that outfit at the 1988 Winter Olympics? Maybe that’s why the artist is laughing at him.

3. When did Mikhail Baryshnikov get bright yellow extensions? And is he going to behead that woman?

4. I didn’t see Chuck Norris in the hero: I saw Rolf Harris. “Tie me ostrich down, sport” just doesn’t have the same ring.

Teddypig Wiki update

Anasazi page…

According to famed archaeologist Betty Brooks the Anasazi were actually a band of wandering Beloved Vikings that traveled into the interior of the ancient North American continent around 1200BC looking for “primitive passion, courage and survival!”

I remember that first cover vividly from when I worked in a library.  The paperbacks were shelved next to the circulation desk and we used to grab the worst ones and read them aloud to each other for laughs.  Sandra Hill was one of my favorite authors to use for that, especially My Fair Viking.  I think that one has to do with time travel, but I could be crazy.

just LOVE the cover snark.
i’ve actually read the suzanna lynne “beloved viking” - and yes, ostriches do figure quite prominently in the plot - our heroine sketches them while chuck norris fills her in on ostrich mating habits. fabulous!

What’s with the lack of chest hair?  I kind of like a little fuzz on my men.  Both the men and women in covers lately are so airbrushed they look plastic. I feel like Barbie and Ken are posed as models for covers lately.

Bet you that ostrich viking dude has chest hair!

After a long night with an insomniatic 4 year old, I so needed a good laugh like this, thanks bitches!

Lauren - I wonder if Ms Lynne “borrowed” her passages on ostrich mating rituals? If this be a trend, oh noes! (Disclaimer - I’m not pointing fingers - not even the LONG finger of our most favorite viking ever - just stirring the pot! Srsly, never seen this book before...)

Ok, the title alone of The Very Virile Viking had me giggling (I could so see that on a business card of a male stripper) - and the proof of his virility? Why, everyone knows the most manliest of men don’t wear pants. Just ask Capt. Zapp Brannigan.

Love the wiki entry TP.

If you have a yearning to know more about the historical Vikings, I refer you to the Viking Answer Lady web site http://www.vikinganswerlady.com/hairstyl.shtml

I think I have yet to read a romance where the proper use of the ear spoon was mentioned.

Barking beavers = the smart bitch substitute for a netti pot.

I’m Mike Huckabee, and I approved this cover.

The Viking ‘earspoons’ (called ‘ear-scoops’ or just ‘ear-cleaners’ by Roman archaeologists) illustrated on the ‘vikinganswerlady’ site are much the same as the much earlier Roman implements, and the sets of tweezers, ear-scoop, nail-cleaner and sometimes tooth-pick are also typical of the Roman period.  One of the combs illustrated actually looks like a late-Roman one to me, though most are clearly medieval.

OK - The Very Virile Viking cover is just plain weird.  The dude has no PANTS on.
And slices of apple around his neck - now that’s funny!

The Viking on cover #1 is very pasty...or his woman spends too much time in the tanning beds.

i forgot about Sandra Hill!  i think her viking stories were all time travel, right?

i stopped reading when in one of them, can’t remember which, the viking had come forward in time and was doing it with the heroine in the shower when her knees buckled from the mighty force of his nordic business time techniques.  fine fine.  where i was unable to fully suspend the disbelief (funny, it wasn’t the time travel bits) was where it was she was held aloft by the sheer strength of his wielded hard tipped battle axe.  and i remember thinking, that’s a lot of pressure on that poor guy’s junk.

That reminds me:  has there ever been a discussion here about why American writers/readers are so turned on by the thought of copulation in the shower?  It is such a cliché that at one time I started wondering whether Americans, like frogs, require running water to trigger the mating urge…
I have other theories about it, too.

I’m pretty sure (from watching commercials) that statistics show most household accidents happen in the bathroom.

Legend is that “I’ve fallen and can’t get up” was first heard by a young woman crushed by a 200 pound horndog in a slippery shower who fell while he was eagerly searching out her viking S spot.

Hey AgTigress, good question!  I can’t say I’ve never tried sex in the shower, but *TMI ALERT* it was with my Brit partner, not a fellow American. *ahem* However, I do take your point that there’s a lot of that in books, and I’ve wondered about it as well, because in my own experience, showering is a lot more like SB Sarah’s Friday video than like anything I’ve read in a romance novel.

Maybe that’s the appeal?  One of those fantasies that remains a powerful fantasy precisely because attempts to duplicate it IRL fail to meet expectations?

LOL, Sonomalass!

Here is a question that I posed about aquatic sex a few years ago on another forum:

“The frequency with which lovemaking scenes take place in the shower in modern romance novels is fascinating.  If not the shower, then that splendid American institution, the hot tub, or failing that, a suitably large and luxurious jacuzzi or plain bathtub - but there is an important difference with the latter, in that it is only in the shower that a standing-up-against-the-wall position is required. What I find particularly interesting is that sex-standing-up is usually a fairly difficult and uncomfortable process, and in other circumstances tends to have quite negative connotations. 

So why the popularity of sex in the shower?  Is it because water (and soap) are felt to add to the sensual excitement of the scene, because they are wet and slippery?  Or does it have to do with the modern Western, especially American, obsession with cleanliness, ensuring that the sexual congress and the clean-up that is expected to follow may be neatly combined?

And does the frequency of the shower scene reflect real life in America, or is it primarily a sexual fantasy, rather as some of the erotic positions depicted in Graeco-Roman art were probably favoured for artistic reasons rather than as a reflection of contemporary society?  I wonder if there are any domestic accident statistics in the USA that record the number and nature of injuries resulting from copulation in a shower stall...”

:)

Beloved Viking’s britches seem to be disintegrating...which reminds me of a joke about crotchless panties that made me laugh so hard… Anyhoo, maybe that’s were he wipes his ear-spoon matter.

Wow, Viking Cover Snark with bonus Chuck Norris!  My day is complete!

The Very Virile Viking, teh funnah! He is one of my fav romance hero’s actually. A total teddy bear when it comes to “his” kids. While the plot is over the top, he is just so damn adorable, I forgave Hill for the silly leaps in logic.

Shower Sex- I think, its due to the wet and slippery aspects. DP, who is Australian, used to jump in the shower with me all the time. All of my US partners (and one Canadian) also did that. My old housemates, she was Scottish, he was Indian, took daily showers together. I had to ask her if they were just showering, or having sex (yes, I HAD to ask), she said, a bit of both.

So, in conclusion, its not just a Yank thing. Perhaps it started that way though, then the idea and appeal spread to other nations?

DP, who is Australian, used to jump in the shower with me all the time. All of my US partners (and one Canadian) also did that. My old housemates, she was Scottish, he was Indian, took daily showers together. I had to ask her if they were just showering

Erm… perhaps I made a false assumption earlier.  Is showering together *not* usual?  I thought the original question was about considerably more than just showering together and playing around amorously.  Athletic shower sex was what I was doubting happened frequently (outside of Lake Woebegon, anyway).  Though if rebyj’s statistic is correct....

My comments are out of order.  Is SBTB having a daylight savings time hiccup?

does the frequency of the shower scene reflect real life in America

Absolutely.  Many homes have showers with a cushioned ledge on which to rest your rear.  Such amenities are especially popular among the older crowd, as they can prevent back injuries and offer interesting angles.

:P

Yes, I’m joking.  I assume all these super-athletic showerers live in Lake Woebegon, that region in Minnesota where “all the women are strong, all the men are good-looking and all the children are above average.” [Other attributes to be added as needed.]

I’ve missed cover snark :)

I’ve never read any of these books - why is the guy in My Fair Viking tied to the boat? So he can’t get away from her???

The Very Virile Viking does have some very womanly hips! Maybe that’s why he’s so quick with that sword? Or maybe it’s the result of too many sammiches?

I don’t know what’s up with that guy in Beloved Viking - he looks like a wax figure or something.

I thought the guy in the last Beloved Viking looked a bit like Robert Redford with a beard but Chuck Norris works too. Don’t see too many romance heroes with facial hair!

Shower sex? I just read a book where there was a very realistic scene of shower sex - they slipped and fell. Though no one actually cracked their skull on the edge of the tub… HEA…

My showering with males experiences have always been sexual, so I have no clue if others just shower and maybe cop a feel?

I should add, I am a tiny woman, so, any guy, who is over 5’5” and in at least halfway decent shape, could lift and hold me against a wall, with little effort. Ermm...that was totally *TMI*, but, since that is the case, perhaps thats why I have had a lot of shower sex..for a guy, its easy to do?

You need a shower big enough to bend over in :D

As far as the cover snark, thank you, I needed that! I laughed so hard I got an ab workout *g*

I really couldn’t afford to piss my pants tonight, since the water pump broke today and I can’t shower before my dental appointment in the morning—but the belly laughs over Chuck Norris were worth it. The boogeyman checks his closet for Chuck Norris every night...

And I agree with Eunice—the last one looks like Charleton Heston, only in Planet of the Ostriches.

“You need a shower big enough to bend over in”.

That might help, but many of the descriptions of aquatic erotic scenes in novels specifically describe the face-to-face vertical up-against-the-wall position, which is possible even in quite a small shower stall.  Not infrequently, the female takes her feet off the ground, too.  Given the slippage potential of soap and water, naked skin and wet glazed ceramic, I’m afraid my mind immediately goes to consequences as memorable, but less pleasant than, orgasmic ecstasy.

I also find it a little difficult to push aside the more unsavoury connotations of the position - the working-girl-and-drunken-sailor-in-a-dark-doorway scenario.  But maybe that’s just my generation.

Any thoughts on the theory that combining the copulation with the subsequent ritual ablutions is one aspect of the appeal?  No need to traipse back and forth ‘twixt bed, bath and bed, but get it all over with in one location?  Just a thought.

I have to admit, my first thought about the Very Virile Viking was “he can’t be *that* virile - I can’t see anything hanging down!” But I am a literalist.

Sex in the shower (steamy stuff for 9am EST on a Monday!) - a HS friend of mine said it was awkward and impossible to orgasm, and a later boyfriend said it could get very painful if soap got in the wrong places.  Having not tried it myself, I cannot offer an opinion.  :)

mass25 - no, not that many.  They won’t fit in my shower.

Yeah! Cover snark!  At last I have found you!

And so far as that goes, I am of the Chuck Norris mindset...not the least because I actually visited the CN Facts website today. (Not for the first time.) The quickest way to a man’s heart is Chuck Norris’ fist.

And I’m with Redheaded Englishwoman...were he truly that virile, he couldn’t wear that tiny skirt. 

And I’ll throw in my own TMI:
*shower sex is only overrated if the hot water DOES NOT run out* and
*is best if finished on the bed (just ignore the wet sheets and roll with it, trust me)* and
*will leave bruises on your knees if you’re not a tiny chick*
but it’s worth it.

I’ve always wanted to have jet tub or jaccuzzi (sp?) sex, but the thought of it is too squicky if it’s not MY OWN tub/jaq that is CLEANED by MY OWN self.

This is funny because I have a friend who swears that Vikings are going to be the Next Big Thing - they’re the next pirates/ninjas/monkeys that will be on every cover and every tshirt and in tiny bobblehead form and....

I’m new here and loved the cover snark!

I just about fell off my chair laughing and the tears are still running down my face as I type.  Apple slice necklace - snort!

Virile Vikings and the Vixens that Vex Them.
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.
.
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**SIGH**

The only Viking I ever had was a refrigerator.

RStewie:
*shower sex is only overrated if the hot water DOES NOT run out*

Um, we have an on-demand water heater - there’s hot water as long as a. there’s gas in the huge gas tank behind the house and b. the well doesn’t run dry.  ;) But I know that’s an extreme exception.  Most people don’t have a near endless supply of hot water.

Nikki
remaining mum on anything else to do with shower sex

Has anybody checked out the blog “photoshop disasters”? Some internet goodness right there, particularly this romance cover featuring a three-hand heroine!

http://photoshopdisasters.blogspot.com/2008/03/castles-in-air.html

Bwah ha ha!!! The cover snark seriously had me laughing out loud.  My cat was giving me funny looks. What a great introduction to this site!

As for shower sex, I have to agree with the person who said you need enough space to bend over.  It’s the only way to do it successfully and have both participants enjoy themselves.  I have to wonder how many romance authors have ever done it IRL, because most of what is written is entirely implausible.  Down right anatomically incorrect.

I just wanted to say that the fact the author had to point out how VIRILE the Viking is before you even open the book...?  Probably not a good sign…

Is alliteration in romance titles a good thing?  I thought not.

The Very Virile Viking also has wide child-bearing hips. Seriously, he’s got an hour-glass figure, there.

Big belts do create the illusion of an hourglass figure for those who are otherwise shapeless. Am I the only one here who watches “What Not To Wear”?

Hey, no fair!  You’re talking about my book covers without inviting me over.  So, here’s the deal:
1) Authors have little control over their book covers.  Publishers ask for our input, but then they do whatever they want, unless you are a really big author.
2)Publishers put those cheesy hunk covers on books because that is what the public wants.  How do they know that?  Dollars are votes.  Sorry, but it’s a fact of life.  All those new book sales count as votes.  And, frankly, MY FAIR VIKING is my best selling book, ever, and largely due to that cover. BTW, did you notice the red nail enamel on my tenth century Viking lady?
3) I always say it’s a good thing that I write humor because I need to have a sense of humor over some of my covers.  Would you believe that some of my fans examine my covers with magnifying glasses and there are some really interesting...well, that’s another story.  But, honestly, the two covers mentioned above are not that bad.  I have my personal bag-over-the-head cover and it’s neither of those,
and not even the finger one, either.
And, whoo-boy, wait ‘til you see the cover on VIKING UNCHAINED if you have trouble with these. (ducking my head here)
4) I love the covers on my Jinx treasure hunting books, especially the current WILD JINX, but guess what?  The powers that be say that the big buyers do not consider these good covers.  Pretty is not necessarily good, I guess.
5) I always say that I welcome constructive criticism, but in the case of cover art it is a losing battle unless you let the publishers know how you feel.  The way you do that is buying books with covers you like, or telling the publishers directly. 

As always, I wish you smiles in your reading, and in this case, your cover art, too.

Sandra Hill

Good for you, Sandra, for holding onto your sense of humor over the covers!  You’re right, the author doesn’t have much, if any, control over cover art, so sometimes you just have to grin and bear it--ideally, all the way to the bank.[g]