Smart Bitches Trashy Books | All of the romance, none of the bullshit.

This session of Covers Gone Wild is a sort of drive-by snarking. Instead of going on (and on and ON) about a single cover, we’re going to take on five different covers and snipe briefly at them, Snarkywood-style. We hope you enjoy stunning the artwork. And we do mean stunning. No, seriously: the only way you could feel more stunned would be if somebody bapped your head repeatedly with a marble bust of Liberace. Wearing an Indian headdress.

Proud Eagle

Sarah: Excuse me, Mr. Eagle, what exactly do you have to be proud of, there? Your interestingly-placed bow, shooting up from your crotch there? Does that, perhaps, symbolize something?

It sure can’t stand for your hunting abilities.  I mean, the bird you’re aiming at is BEHIND YOU, dumbass.

Candy: I was under the impression that most Indians don’t suffer from the same kind of pallor the average Oregonian does from being deprived of sun for 6 months out of the year. I’ve seen fishbellies with healthier skin tone. I mean, this guy would qualify as Oscar Wilde-grade “interestingly pale.” Maybe he’s recovering from a bout of fever? That would explain why he’s aiming in the wrong direction.

Savage Hero

Sarah: He’s not savage. He’s mentally disabled. Look: Flaccid bow and arrow shot - no firm erect bowstring for him! Also, if he’s Native American, so am I. How much more anglo can a dude look? He’s like a wanna-be beta male wishing he were a Savage Hero. Picture him at the Halloween party: “No, NO I’m a SAVAGE HERO I tell you!”

Candy: I know Bronson Pinchot’s career has pretty much tanked since Perfect Strangers was cancelled, but really, did he have to resort to Indian drag to put food on his table? Because here I submit to you: Separated at birth, Savage Hero guy and Balki Bartokomous.

Savage Devotion

Sarah: Savage Devotion?

My ass. Savage hairdryer maybe.

Candy: Does Charlie Sheen have a younger brother with a serious waxing fetish? Again, I submit for your perusal:

Savage Fires

Sarah: Darling, get UP!  THE TEE PEE IS ON FIRE!  We need to get out of here! But wait, I am transfixed by your giant chin, and I cannot move! it is making me weak!

Candy: “IT BURNS WHEN I PEEEEEEE!”

“That’s because your dick is on fire, dumbass.”

When Passion Calls

Sarah: Ha. When People Fall, is more like it. Or, when nature calls - “here, pee right here you half-conscious woman!”

Also, why does he not have a neck? And his face looks like a forensic composite head.

Candy: Reasons why this cover creeps me out:

1. No. Neck.
2. The Exorcist-worthy angle of their heads.
3. Fringed. Buckskin. Pants.
4. A rushing river is no place to show off your tango moves, you stupid bitches. And judging by the way the woman’s hair is flying, he’s dipping her at considerable velocity. Is he the primary beneficiary of her life insurance plan? Because maybe he’s trying to dash her head on the river bank or something.

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