Smart Bitches Trashy Books | All of the romance, none of the bullshit.

Um, eww.  Really eww. 

But, this gives me an idea.  How about we make a list of the worst phrases, or sentences used in romance novels to describe the sex act? 

I’ll go first:

“Her body was his violin; he played her steadily until her moans became his song.”

Judith McNaught, Someone To Watch Over Me.

Oh ick.
I kinda get what’s trying to be said there, and yes it’s good to move away from cliches but… ick.

Oh dear lord.  I snorted.  I actually snorted. 

I second the call for a list of phrases that should NOT be used in romance novels because most of them are so purple their verging on black.

inflating road pizza. Could have done without that.

Ooh, that reminds me. Pizza dough rising in the oven.

Ok, but I’m not saying what book they’re in. Just that this comes from a publically posted excerpt. I have others, but the content gets a little risque.

Moaning from satisfaction, she caressed his soft tongue. She felt his hand on her thigh, and then it was sliding up beneath her skirt.

Road pizza? Inflating?

Not only is it bad imagery, it doesn’t even make sense.

I unfortunately don’t have any beautifully awful contributions to make in this category, but surely there are some real crazy ones for back cover blurbs.

This seems like the perfect thread to point out the recent ”venom cock” kerfuffle, in case you missed it.

Inflating road pizza?  The mind boggles. The lust gets lost somewhere in the imagining.

Critter du jour as an aphrodisiac? Ewww…

Thanks, Danielle - I had heard about that kerfuffle, but was frightened to know the details with the phrase “venom cock” being in the mix.  WTF does that even mean anyway?

How I wish I could think of something good to contribute as a good example of “bad”, but sadly I’m dry.  That pizza line was hilarious, though - partly because it came out of nowhere and partly because it’s just such a jarring image for the situation at hand.  I did a little head-shaking double take, then had a good laugh.  (Probably not what the author had in mind, but, hey I responded to it - that’s got to count for something.)

Yes, the last thing you want to picture during hot sex is a dead skunk. Unless that’s what you’re into.

If the excerpt I’ve seen posted is verbatim, venom cock isn’t the book’s only problem. The editor seriously needs a spanking if the rest of the book has as many typos as the excerpt.

It’s too bad the book didn’t wind up with one of those Poser-generated covers. Maybe then we’d know what a venom cock looks like.

If the excerpt I’ve seen posted is verbatim, venom cock isn’t the book’s only problem.

I couldn’t think of a way to say that without sounding like an elitist prick - but I completely agree, Celeste.  It’s hard to tell from the excerpt if all the strangeness is purposeful or a perfect storm of bad writing, bad editing and bad publishing choices.  (Or maybe these two things aren’t mutually exclusive?)

OK, I guess I’m the stupid one in the bunch because because the pizza shit didn’t make any sense to me yesterday or today. I tried reading it twice, but I give up.

Too afraid to open the venom cock link. Is it that awful? Awful so that it has a cult following?

Maybe I’ll check it later when the kiddies are abed.

fiveandfour said:
I couldn’t think of a way to say that without sounding like an elitist prick - but I completely agree, Celeste.

LOL! Well, I wondered there for a moment if I’d been an elitist prick. My grammar snobbery knows no bounds, and I really have to watch my snarkage sometimes.

Next time I’m in Borders, I’ll pick up a copy of the venom cock book and see if those typos are in the actual text or if bloggers mistyped the excerpt.

Amanda, I think it’s a fairly safe link to read at home. Thus far, no articles about The Venom Cock Affair have had any pictures—it’s mostly just bitching back and forth about author etiquette, as far as I can tell.

If you Googled those words at work, though, the company’s Internet police would probably pay you a visit within the hour. :-)

Celeste- Thank you for the heads up re: venom Cock. I googled it & followed a few of the links. From the conversation flowing back & forth it seems as though Romancelandia isn’t the only arena where there are differences regarding reviews. I don’t know why I’m surprised, but apparently review fueled ‘conversations’ cross genres.

On the subject of inappropriate food metaphors in romance, I read this one last night. Referring to the hero’s manly member: he was as large and brown as a loaf.

BTW, ‘twas a medieval and so I’ve instantly got those large dark rounds of n. european bread in mind, rather than baguettes.

Road pizza. Huh.

Yes, a question about the type of bread is the first thing that comes to mind with that metaphor, EvilAuntie.