Smart Bitches Trashy Books | All of the romance, none of the bullshit.

Oh jeez!  If I hadn’t been so wildly off with the time, I could have won!  Thanks for suffering for us, Sarah :)

Dear Lord (no Dear Sister!), Sarah, you are a GIVER! Big GIVER!

Thanks for taking one for the team, and congrats Jaynie!

Aaaah, it IS as bad as I remember!
Thanks for the ride on the nostalgia train SB! Congrats to the winnah.

Oh, and the hitting-head-to-fix-amnesia-thing? All I could think of was Uncle Fester.

Bwah ha ha ha. You are a brave, brave woman.

But you forgot to mention the lavaliers. They have matching lavaliers, you know. They only mentioned it in every.single.book. As a pre-teen reading these, I always wondered what the hell a lavalier was and why they cared so much.

Thank Goddess I never read any of the Sweet Valley High books!

My MIL still has a few copies that once belonged to my SIL.  I have fond memories of the SVH so I’d noticed them but not been inclined to read any.  Now, being told of the god-awfulness, I think I’m going to reread them when we go visit. 

I think I’m warped.

John Edwards?! No shit! Hope is on the way!

This was the part where I laughed out loud in my cubicle at work. Naturally, I heard all of his quoted dialogue in candidate!John’s voice. Oh, Breck Girl: attorney *and* neurosurgeon—you’re so smart!

Thanks for taking one for the team; somehow I managed to never read a SVH book, and now I don’t have to!

I remember that hand on the breast scene. I was scandalized!! I dog eared that page and read it over and over again LOLOLOL I also kept looking around me (we were driving somewhere on vacation) as if my mom or dad could tell what was happening in the book by the way I was acting!

Wow...that was really bad. I can’t believe I read that crap and loved it. Were those quotes for real? *shudder*
The plot reminds me of something from Days of Our Lives. It just needs a Stephano.

And Sarah your notes are too funny. Can you stand to read a few more?

I was more of a Sweet Dreams girl myself, although I’m sure I read at a least a couple of SWHs. But the book that gave me thrills was the one about Caitlin and ... Jed? Jeff? Something like that. I’m pretty sure it was by Francine Pascal as well. For the longest time, I wanted to name my daughter Caitlin.

Oh, and lol @ Tracy. I was the almost same, except I never dog-eared. I memorised page numbers. :-D

*groan* I remember the lavaliers. Yep, they were prominently featured. 

So Elizabeth thinks she’s Jessica, but doesn’t notice people are calling her “Elizabeth”? Or she’s just had a wierd personality change--but then, why the amnesia?

The human brain is a magical thing, is it not?

And when I saw “John Edwards” I thought of the Crossing Over guy, and wondered why he didn’t just do some crazy mind-meld with comatose Lizzie.

It’s all dipshit Jessica’s fault because the good doctor said it’s all up to her.

Later Liz will collect guns and high explosives then one day Sweet Valley High will know her wrath.

Although I confess to reading many of these, I think I would remember the hand on the breast scene.  After all, I will never forget Judy Blume’s “Forever.” It is “forever” etched in my mind.
Loved, loved this review my friend.  It was just breathtakingly spectacular.

When I think John Edwards, I think that shyster who claims to be able to talk to dead people.

Incidentally, after Elizabeth got another wang on the head, she changed her name to “Buffy”, moved to Sunnydale, and blew up her high school…

Gods, I not only used to read those books, I read Sweet Valley TWINS, in case the SVH books were too nuanced and sophisticated.

Oh yikes.  I went to Middle School (grades 6 through 8) with the Daniel twins, who played the Sweet Valley twins in that TV series.  Since I never read the SVH books, I tend to associate those characters with the REAL twins, who ruled the school in terms of popularity (predictably).  I bet the fictional Jessica never got her mini-skirt and underwear pulled down to her ankles in the middle of the 7th-grade hallway between classes, but the real one sure did, and it was the SCANDAL OF THE YEAR.  Middle Schoolers can be really nasty.

I’ve probably suggested this before, but if you’re going to risk another of these (little Skynyrd can take it, I bet), I’m voting for On the Edge, the after-school-specialest of all the SVH books. And look, it’s only a penny, too!

Or Malibu Summer, which is the SVH equivalent of one of those Baby-Sitter’s Club super-specials. Or the one where Regina gets her hearing back and then gets kidnapped because her daddy is a Silicon Valley bajillionaire, which kind of answers the question, “Where is Sweet Valley?” with the answer, “San Francisco.” And then begs the other question, “Then where are all the gays?” “Hiding from the terrible fashions and hairstyles on the cover, der.”

Ah yes, that book is called Kidnapped. How simple.

Whatever you do, don’t read the Sweet Valley Anthologies, about the Wakefield ancestry. OMG, so bad.

No gheys? Father works in Silicon Valley?

Oh, well then Sweet Valley is obviously near Modesto California where those midwest family values and big hair shine on. All teh gheys run from that place shortly after birth and find shelter in the Bay Area.

Oh god, the memories!  I’m ashamed to admit I made my parents buy these books for me and take me to the library so I borrow them.  (Luckily I borrowed more than I bought or I’d have been terribly embarrassed.)

I read Sweet Valley High, Sweet Valley Twins and the anthologies about the ancestors.  Dear Lord Sister, what was wrong with me?

As soon as you mentioned the part where Elizabeth wakes up and thinks she’s Jessica,I immediately had a Gillian’s Island flashback-there was one episode where Mary Anne hit her head and all of a sudden,thought she was Ginger. She even walked around in Ginger’s clothes and acted all psuedo-slutty like Ginger.

IIRC,Ginger had to go along with this mess(the Professor insisted-btw,they never said what he was a professor of exactly,but anything involving some brainwork always got tossed his way)and even dressed up like Mary Anne. The situation was pretty much resolved in the same way as Dear Sister’s(except for the almost date rape). I never read the Sweet Valley books,but turns out I wasn’t missing out on anything that I could see on old school TV reruns!:)

“Thank Goddess I never read any of the Sweet Valley High books!”

Now here *I* was thinking I had really missed out!

My best friend had every single SVH book.  I borrowed from her when I could and saved my money for the Sunfire books- you know, the historicals named for their main character.  Sabrina, Rachel, Danielle, whatever.  LOVED THEM when I was 12.  I reread one last fall.  Oh, dear indeed.

better94- No, I’m pretty sure they were still bad then, too.

Becky, I read all those Sunfire books too~LOVED, LOVED, LOVED them. Haven’t read one in awhile LOL Pretty bad huh?

*chuckles*

I read a lot of the Sweet Valley (Twins / High / University / various other series...) as a young teen. I remember liking them a lot back then, but I think I’d be horrified now.

Then again, I might not expect much from the literary equivalent of a soap opera. lol

Thankfully, I never owned one of these books . . . I just got my hand on every copy of the series the local library had.  What is extremely sad is that I remember the trivial things about the characters, even though it has been over 15 years (YIKES!) since I read the books.  The sisters had a Fiat, their brother’s girlfriend died of leukemia, and even more that I wish I could forget.

Next - take on “Logan Loves Maryanne” from the Babysitters Club series! It’s not very racy, but still.

I’ve been to Modesto. It’s a pit. The pretty Sweet Valleyites wouldn’t breathe in that direction.

I just wanted to beg that the Smart Bitches do more SV reviews. This is too fabulous! I know other sites online snark on the books, but...well, I love some Smart Bitches too :)

Becky, I LOVED the Sunfire books. Sabrina was my favorite- please review it if you can find it, Sarah!

Why can I not remember this book? I must’ve blocked it from my mind. That seems to be the case with most SVH and SVU and the SV Twins books. I read and owned tons of them and I couldn’t tell you specifics from a single title. Except that I do remember that in college Jessica had an affair with a professor.

I do remember the constant reminders of the “perfect size 6” and the “sea-green eyes” but I don’t think they warped my image. Probably because I was reading these books before I got out of kids sizes so I had no frame of reference for how big or small a size 6 was.

“Hi there, you old moon!”

*snort*

Why is it that I cannot--even when I promise to buy myself some fabulous seafood dinner and then, when I get me home, scratch my own back while I pop in a DVD of a movie I’ve been dying to see--give a rat’s ass about this book?

Why is it that I cannot… give a rat’s ass about this book?

I suspect it’s a case of “You had to be there”.

Oh Lord. And to think I improved my English with these books. I shudder to think there are still traces of SVH in me.

I bought about 18 books, got fed up with the lack of sex, and went straight to some Harlequin romance - one of the thin ones. I remember the title was ‘An Inconvenient Engagement/Marriage’. Yes I know, so very distinguishable. I can’t remember the author even though I remember the name of the hero was Leonardo Fortinari (yes he was Italian) and the heroine was Harriet. She pretended to be her friend, who looked omg so much like her, and went to Italy to fool Nonna and the whole family. Why didn’t said friend go home herself? Said friend was pregnant without a father. Coincidentally, heroine was also a teacher, teaching, guess what, Italian. In the end she found out she was an almost-secret-baby-but-not-quite of the family.

Does anyone know who wrote this book? I loved it. When I was 13. *g* After this one, I stole some of my mom’s Nora. Proper education, no?

Sorry! Title was ‘A Convenient Engagement’.

Sweet Valley Snark! There’s a whole community of it on LJ at http://1bruce1.livejournal.com - I even think there’s a Dear Sister entry.

Have a lovely day! :-)

I gave in to sentimentality last fall and picked up a couple of my favorite Sunfires off Ebay and Amazon.  Sabrina is the only one I’ve read so far.  Boy, was it bad.  Sarah, if you’d like to review it for us, I’d be happy to send it to you.  I’d be happy just to get it out of the house.  I’ve already had to quarantine them, lest the badness leach out and contaminate other innocent reading material.

“… What I find amusing is how many readers share that experience with me - this book somehow led them to look for more satisfying reads in a sexual and emotionally climactic sense, and ultimately led to a romance reading habit like mine....”

I’m a little galled at how on the nose this is. I gobbled up the Sweet Valley books. I read a book a day - I went through them like Krispy Kremes (an apt analogy, all things considered).

Anyhoot, following the initial spate of posts, I went on-line and did some research on the series. A recent (ish) interview with Francine Pascal was illuminating. She basically ridiculed the whole thing, laughing over Elizabeth’s Mary-Sueness, recalling some of the more psychotic plotlines and explaining the extent of her involvement in the series. (Plus, she acknowledged how mind-numbingly dull Todd was!) She also mentioned plans for a reunion of sorts - the twins ten years on, sort of thing.

The terrible thing is, I would totally read that...! There is no saving me.

Lastly, I have to agree with the whole Bruce Patman (oh, how I loved him; the black haired, blue eyed scoundrel) and the lack of any redemptive arc. In spite of which, I always wanted Bruce to seduce Liz.

Great review!

She also mentioned plans for a reunion of sorts - the twins ten years on, sort of thing.

The terrible thing is, I would totally read that...! There is no saving me.

You would not be the only one who would read a reunion book. I’d totally read it even though I stopped reading SVU a decade ago. Geez. I can’t believe it’s been that long.

This one, Sarah?

Now tell me how much flood talk was described, because I am strangely fascinated by Johnstown and just posted about it today…

I think if oyu guys are going to review SVH (and oh, I wish to see more of it!) you should review the Margo books.  Those were some wacky, wacky shit.

I borrowed from her when I could and saved my money for the Sunfire books- you know, the historicals named for their main character.  Sabrina, Rachel, Danielle, whatever.  LOVED THEM when I was 12.

OMG, I was totally into those, too! I clicked the link to Amazon, and I see they wrote a few more after I’d abandoned them for the more ‘mature’ world of science fiction/fantasy. :-D

Thank Goddess I also missed out on the Sunfire “name” books!  I think these and the SVH books were after my time.

Seems like the first romance I read was Devil’s Desire(?) by Laurie McBain(?) I’ve forgotton the plot and characters, so obviously it was memorable.  But this was a * few * years ago…

Verification word: then63!  Yes, really!

LOL. I would have thought you guys would have given it an A for the camp factor. I gobbled Sweet Valley and Baby-sitter’s Club books like chocolate when I was a child and pre-teen. In fact, I read them all the way up until I was 17 (admittedly not so long ago *g*), and don’t have any of my 100s of childhood books because I lost them in an accident. The funny thing is, I never was frustrated with the lack of sex or hitting bases. Call me a weird one, but I was more interested in reading about people whose lives seemed a hell of a lot more normal and stable than my own.

Ooooh, whatcha say...

http://srahvideo.blogspot.com/2007/07/dear.html