Categories: Covers Gone Wild! (Non-Snoop Dogg Edition)
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by SB Sarah • Thursday, May 24, 2007 at 11:43 AM
It’s an all-day celebration and continued proof that Satan is indeed in control of publishing.
First, there’s Hoff. And his hassel.
And now? An opportunity for you, the esteemed Bitchery, to snark till you drop. Consider it an early Memorial Day present (even if you’re not in the US? Just take Monday off and barbecue something, k?)
Presenting: The cover that offers itself to you for limitless beating. Courtesy of Bitchery Reader Michelle.
Well, of course, Candy did have one comment…
75 comments •
Categories: Covers Gone Wild! (Non-Snoop Dogg Edition)
Categories: Covers Gone Wild! (Non-Snoop Dogg Edition)
OMG -I’m first to comment and I’m strangely tongue tied. But what the hell are they rolling in? I once drove all the way across Texas and never saw anything that looked like *that* (and I’m not talking about the people and their strange twisted position)
I forgot to mention the title - “wow”?? I often have trouble coming up with titles, but is this really the best they could do? And the editors,etc accepted that? I might just have to read it to find out what the “wow” is about!
said on...Well, it can’t be a bed of flowers as they seem to be strangely level with the tops of the flowers. The only thing that comes to mind is those old fuzzy hook rugs that you made for Home Ec class…
iffygenia said on...Having to market that cover-o-delite wowed Sarah Mlynowski:
DC: How did you start writing chick lit?
SM: I was single and working at Harlequin, marketing novels such as The Virgin Bride Said Wow and The Texas Sheik’s Runaway Princess. I found the ironic juxtaposition between the books I marketed and my single-in-the-big-city life the perfect experience to explore in fiction.
The blue flowers are called Bluebonnets,
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bluebonnets. They are the state flower in TX.
I thought they must be some kind of carpet lily.
Lilium Grandmasnursinghome rugium, perhaps.
They remind me of tiny, blurry American flags. Ladies, we have the most. Patriotic. Sexxing. EVER.
It just seems a weird place to practice a synchronized swimming routine.
One word: Bees.
The husband happened to peeking over my shoulder when I was reading this and said, “What, as opposed to The Virgin Bride Said Ouch” ?
I, of course, misread the author’s name to be: Cathy Gillien Thatchers.
My money’s on fluorescent shag carpet. Very badly installed, to judge by all the ripples.
I do admire their comma usage, however.
picture66. Strangely accurate.
I might just have to read it to find out what the “wow” is about!
I think we know what the “wow” is about. The “wow” precedes the “ouch”.
“Wow! Your peepee is excitingly large!”
“Ouch! That monster won’t work for doggy style!”
Bluebonnets grow all over the side of almost every highway in Texas (thanks to Lady Bird Johnson). There’s a really tenacious urban legend that it’s illegal to pick them. People really won’t pick them for fear of being arrested. But of course, everyone knows it’s perfectly okay to consummate your marriage on them. Thank goodness.
The Mail Order Real Doll Virgin Bride is more like it. Also, judging by the position of her hips, torso, and head it appears that Mr. Lockhart didn’t bother to ready the assembly instructions before dressing and dropping her onto his Seventies Stud Shag Rug.
The virgin cocktease and the blueballs, um bells…
it’s perfectly okay to consummate your marriage on them
Good luck to them on the consummation. Every high school kid can read the Virgin Bride’s posture: “Naughty boy! No touching below the waist. I think you’re awful cute but I’m just not ready.”
My hoochie cooch is a fine and private place, But none I think do there embrace.
-- To His Coy Mistress, somewhat updated
More like The Virgin Bride Said “Wow, Where Did You Find Floral-pattern Linoleum?”
Also, looks like she’s gonna remain a virgin, though doubtless Cowboy is thinking, “Damn, she’s bendy! Good thing I have this really girly kitchen floor to charm the pants off her.”
wordver: mans66 Yep, that’s the position they’re in, all right.
said on...She’s doing pilates on her grandma’s hideous shag rug. He’s staring into her eyes assessing for signs of brain damage. They’re perfect for each other.
said on...As a Texan, I find that picture offensive!!!!!!!
It’s a very Superman/Lois Lane in the ice caves pose, isn’t it.
The title.... So few words, so much to snark. To me, the Virgin is even worse than the Wow. Ee-yow.
I presume the Virgin and the unsexy poses are code for “This book isn’t all about teh Sex” and the Virgin heroine adheres to certain, you know, High Standards of Modest Femininity.
But putting her hymen in the title… is that modest? Does it really give a message that sex isn’t the most important thing in the relationship? Nuh uh. When it’s emphasized to that degree… that there’s a fetish.
Doesn’t look like cowboy’s too interested in sexing either, considering he’s angling his pelvis in the completely opposite direction as well.
But holy hell! Who decided on that title - it’s worse than the florescent bluebell linoleum.
Oh my! There are bluebonnets in the yard across the street (blue AND pink ones--though now rather overcome with burr clover...) that looked a little like this before the burr clover got so wild. But no way you could hover like this on top of them… The ones across the street would cover them up, so all you could see would maybe be...his knees… But they did get the color right.
I bet he’s thinking “a few more twists and she’ll come right apart...”
Gail (in Texas--and you’d have to drive cross state in the right time of year, and the right part of it (not the Panhandle) to see the flowers. The bluebonnets are in yards in the Panhandle. The suitably phallic yucca are blooming alongside the roads here)
said on...What, as opposed to The Virgin Bride Said Ouch”
See, that’s exactly what I was going to say, except it was going to be “The Virgin Bride Said Ow!”
B/c, really. It’s only one letter, and Mr. Dippity-Doo there doesn’t look like he’s the sensitive type. More the “poke at them ‘till something goes in” type. (Mostly b/c he still hasn’t quite figured out the positions...)
“If my torso faces this way, and your torso faces that way...”
or
Wild Contortionist Cowfolk
or
It’s the anti Kama Sutra! No wonder she’s a virgin, he obviously is too..
or
“And the manual said this is the safest way to have sex!”
or
The Virgin Bride Said, “Wow! You’re a fucking moron! Even I know we need to be naked. Also, there’s a bug crawling up my ass...”
or
Cowboy Bob liked Cowboy Jane...But what he really liked was blue flowers...Such pretty blue flowers...Rubbing himself on the flowers...”
Who gave this man a pair of boots and a hat?! Seriously, no cowboy worth his salt rolls up his jeans!! Just… no.
Heh. My wordy thingy is physical22.
said on...Ha! I lorve it! thank you thank you i bow to you, smart bitches.
Honestly. Haven’t we Texans got enough to be embarrassed about without ruining the few things that are kind of cool about the state: cowboys and bluebonnets?
I especially love the (a) exclaimation point and (b) the little junior high heart in the subtitle.
(Hi Gail Dayton! *waves*)
When I was in the fifth grade, a classmate told me “fuck” meant when two people rubbed their butts together.
Looking at the cover, they obviously believed my classmate and that is obviously why the bride is still a virgin.
said on...I’m thinking The Virgin Bride Said, “What what in the butt?”
I was thinkin’ there is a pic of my grandpa somewhere in the 30s or 40s with his jeans rolled up like that. Weird.
I think the butt fuck explanation takes the cake!
Hey, you two. I don’t mean to intrude or anything but...um…
YOU’RE DOING IT WRONG!
Obviously the victim of a print production error of the worst sort, this book has nothing to do with virgins or marriage. What it really is--a manual for the Texas variant of shove ha’penny, where you get to see who can fart the hat furthest along the floor.
Size94, eh? Lucky me.
Janet
said on...I love how they’re literally sitting on top of the flowers, like they’re floating or something.
Those bluebonnets remind of the hideous shag carpet we used to have in an apartment during the 80s.
However, the scariest thing is the title and cover were done this millennium. Yes, that’s right. Someone in the year 2001 thought this would appeal to women THIS MILLENNIUM.
That cover takes tacky to Olympian levels.
said on...The Virgin Bride Said “Wow, That’s Not As Big As I Thought They Were.”
Oops, forgot my title snark the first time:
The Virgin Husband Said, “The picture was kinda blurred.”
The Virgin Bride Said, “Hmm. Your brother was turned the other way.”
And one week later in divorce court… Wait, the marriage wasn’t consummated. Annulment!
Even before I read the Sarah Mlynowski interview I thought, “That title was the last act of a bitter marketing chick on her way to a better job.” Or the loony bin.
said on...I’m not Texan but I do live in Texas and those Bluebonnets just scare me...it looks like the guy is trying to flee and with her overly long arms she’s hooked him down..
Personally I wouldnt roll around in flowers...fire ants much?
I had no idea that there was a market for paranormal cowboys! He’s pretty good, too, he’s got the whole “levitate” thing worked out just fine.
She’s obviously a virgin. Only a virgin would be taking such elaborate precautions (jeans tucked into boots, and a belt)to preserve the untouched nature of her knees.
said on...“After the horse riding accident they weren’t sure if Molly would ever walk again....”
said on...Who let the Texans into a Monet painting?
said on...Those do not look like any bluebonnets I have ever seen and I have lived my entire life in East Texas.
At first I thought the man was in that weird frog hop posistion you see in porn movies. Not that I watch such things. Then I realized they were actually facing different directions. I may not be Sue Johanson, but even I know the groins have to be near each other for sex to happen. Myabe she’s thinking, “Wow, he’s a bigger idiot than I thought. He doesn’t even know where to aim.”
I hear armpit sex is the new “in” thing and technically she’d still be a virgin afterwards.
Oh, yeah forgot to add the media is now calling armpit penetration hairy pitting. It’s an epidemic they say.
Her chastity belt is making her uncomfortable and she’s got to twist herself around.
Here in Germany we get Monday of for Pentecost. I’ll call it Memorial Day like a good American.
said on...Wow! Not only bendy but stretchy arms too. Those are some weird arse stretched forearms. Like anorexic gumby.
Judging by how skinny the woman is, the “Wow!” as mentioned in the title is actually the sound of her lung being punctured by her ribs moments after the guy lays on top of her.
OMG! I cite this book is chats about romance regularly! It’s on my keeper shelf, just for kicks…
Leaving aside from the fact that it, and a coupla others in the series (I seem to remember one with the plot that begged the title, “The Amnesiac Bride said, “We did WHAT?!") are actually rather good, that is a truly godawful title.
I honestly think it was done for laughs.
Oh, how I hope it was done for laughs…
said on...*announcer voice*
Deep in the heart of Texas, during the Summer of the Boisterous Bluebells two Texans find love and flexibility and most shocking of all… that the Bluebells were watching. THE ENTIRE TIME.
Her: Oh Rod (not short for Rodney… his name is just ROD), I can’t believe that you picked here, among the beautiful bluebells to take my sweet sweet ass cherry!
Him: My little anal Queen, I knew you’d love it… oh by the way I didn’t bring lube is that OK?
Her: Of course! I will love anything you do regardless of whether it’s physically possible or not!
*sounds of snickering and muffled laughter*
Her: What? What’s that?
Him: *looking around* It’s nothing, let me un-tuck your jeans from your boots and we can get going!
*more laughter and guffawing*
Her: *looking uneasily at the bluebells that are now leaning closer with their pretty little flowers blinking at her*
I think we should maybe wait.
Him: *riping clothing off willy nilly* Sure, wait, right, good good.
Her: *now naked and flipped over ass up and face to the Bluebells… of DOOM*
Rod, honey, these Bluebells are staring at me… and laughing I think.
Him: Gnnn unnnnggg oh yeah, you’re SOOOOO tight!
Her: Wow is it in? Cause I couldn’t tell…
*uproarious laughter from the entire field of evil Bluebells*
Her: OMG ROD! They are laughing at us!
Him: *sings* Giiirl I’m in your ass now! Gonna cooome in your buuuummm! OH YEAH!
End Scene.
said on...The Virgin Bride Said “DAMN I’M ITCHY!”
As Kimberly pointed out, there’s the fire ant contingency to worry about, but you can’t forget about chiggers!
While the virgin bride planned ahead and tucked her jeans into her boots, she didn’t plan on Mr. I’m-a-Douche-Cause-I-Roll-My-Jeans-and-Love-the-Two-Tone-Denim-Look to apparantly push her over and jump on her.
She’s not hugging him, she’s attempting to pull herself up off the ground.
Poor, poor virgin bride. She knows the misery that is an ass full of chigger bites.
(Random fact - an application of clear nail polish on the bite can help reduce the itching.)
Him: “My virgin bride, I’ve brought you here amongst the bluebonnets, promising to make you mine.”
Her: “Yes! I’ve been waiting for six years now! I can’t wait any longer.”
Him: “Oh, my virgin love. Now is the time I must tell you,” He leans over and then shouts, “April Fools Day!!”
*Pub’ date: April 1, 2001
There’s more with equally bad covers!
The Bride said “Finally!”
The Bride said “Surprise!”
The Bride said, I Did?
said on...See the Texan. The Texan says, “Howdy!”
See the virgin bride. The virgin bride says, “Wow!”
See the flowers. Look, look, look. All the pretty flowers. The flowers are very sturdy. The flowers can support the weight of two grown people without being crushed. What good flowers!
See the Bitches. The Bitches are confounded. Poor confounded Bitches! The Bitches say, “Who the heck let this cover slip under the wire?” The Bitches are considering a stiff drink.
Why is it that looking at the pure, all-american, virginal patriot-cover to beat all others reminds me of of asshat fame?
I lose at HTML.
said on...“There’s more with equally bad covers!
The Bride said “Finally!”
The Bride said “Surprise!”
The Bride said, I Did?”
I looked those up and the “Surprise” one has a VERY odd cover. I hope they post it for us here!
Gives a whole new meaning to the concept of deflowering.
Forget DIY snark. This couple will be in need of DIY orgasms.
said on...“virgin”
Yeah, right.....
I’d like to have a dime for everytime I heard that......
“I swear I have never done this before” (while taking clothes off)
Yer bad ;)
What pisses me off is that she says “wow”
She could have said that a long time ago if she hadn’t been so stingy.
And to think about all those guys before her husband that spent all that money expecting her to fullfil her end of the deal. They are the real victims.
looked up the Bride said Finally!
apparently stalker children and marsh grass are also staples for our dear friends the L<3ckhearts of Texas.
said on...as a native texan, i am offended
most of us lose our virginity in the backseat of a car, not on a strangely flat field of bluebonnets on the side of the highway
Okay, This is my best shot, but I need to work on my lettering…
http://cuppacafe.com/images/blogimages//image4/virginbridesaid.jpg
Walt. Dude. You rock!
A minor quibble: wouldn’t that make her the Partially Disvirginated Bride? Or do we count only the fo’ward fuckin’ as the devirginitizing moment?
And why is she hand-washing Peter Parker’s Spidey uniform?
Why is she washing Peter Parker’s Spidey outfit?
Because she’s an example of how women only exist for random men to look at, unless they’re doing unimportant “women’s work” such as washing the clothes, scrubbing the floor, and other tasks requiring bending over. This is, of course, because all women are less intelligent than all men at all times.
This statuette costs $129.99 US, and is sold out.
Some women should not be bending over.
I think alot of women should have a mirror where they can see their ass when they bend over. If it is too wide, then she should assume that men are repulsed but they still look.
If a woman bent over is within weight limitations then she should feel flatered that men want to look at her. And if she doesn’t want men looking at her, she should gain some weight, or stop bending over.
If a woman bent over is within weight limitations then she should feel flatered that men want to look at her. And if she doesn’t want men looking at her, she should gain some weight, or stop bending over.
I’m sure we’ll all get on that “living our lives as if our only reason for existence were to give random men we don’t even know hard-ons” bandwagon of yours right away.
Until then, let me bend over for you.
Ask and ye shall receive:
The Bride Said, “Surprise!”
(the surprise? an undead troll in a tux)
The Bride Said, “Finally!”
(she’s marrying John Stamos a la “Full House")
The Bride Said, “I Did?”
(she must have cow poo SOMEWHERE on those white slacks)
said on...Hubby has been walking around all weekend saying, “The Virgin Bride said, ‘WHOA!’”
It’s like living with an older, more dorky, and more romance-informed Joey Lawrence.
WHOA!
said on...This cover just ruined ‘Cowboy take me away’ (Dixie Chicks) for me FOREVER.
“I wanna sleep on the hard ground
In the comfort of your arms
On a pillow of bluebonnets
In a blanket made of stars”
No… I’ll never be able to listen to that again.
In Feb, Candy linked to the Harlequin Presents blog. I quote:
Anticipation, excitement and discovery: in Presents, a virgin is a code-character who embodies those qualities, whether to revive that fresh, first-time feeling for readers, or as an expression of the insecurity and uncertainty that can accompany the initiation of a sexual relationship – though, as we know, in the arms of a Presents hero, the earth will do nothing less than move and there’s nothing to be scared of!
One of the comments says:
“I’ve even read suggestions that it would be helpful for books to carry a ‘V’-mark - not for Vegetarian but for Virgin!!”
Too cool for school! All those Nora Roberts books with “NR” on the cover to signify New Release? They shoulda been “V"s! Virgin book! Got that not-so-fresh feeling? Anticipation, excitement and discovery turned into “Been there, done him”? Turn to Virgin books. (Born-again virgin books to be marked “BV” on the spine.)
I hear cats. Hundreds and hundreds of cats.
this is really in response to dear jennifer up at the top, but I suppose she won’t see a thing o’ this anyway.
What they’re rolling in is what I like to call a bluebonnet sea. They sprout every spring, the numbers can be huge or small, depending on how much rainfall we get. In some places, the hills are just… blue and white everywhere. No green left.
love the stuff, guys! XD you make me night!
05.24.07 at 12:12 PM |