Smart Bitches Trashy Books | All of the romance, none of the bullshit.

Bwaaaa!  Tea.  On.  Monitor.

Extra points for the cheesy tagline at the end.

Oh…that was horribly disturbing.  I’m hoping with everything in me that I will wake up and this will have been a bad dream.  Eesh.

Great. Now there’s a jaw-shaped divot in my laptop case.

That singer is so…so…oh, my stars and garters, why isn’t there a sarcasm key? Butch. Yes. That’s it. Butch.

Butchy, butchy, butch. La, la, la.

The costuming is fun, and the CG dragons aren’t too horrible. Whoever put this together knew what they were doing. Too bad the singer and the song didn’t live up to the level of the video production. Still…

bwah ha bwah ha ha hee hee hooooooooo!

The part where he’s swinging on a rope away from the sinking pirate ship? my gut reaction was ‘where’s the girl he’s meant to be holding?’

that was the collected works of Johanna Lindsey brought to life.

Dr Zhivago meets Cinderella meets the Pirates of the Caribbean meets Peter Pan meets The Witches of Eastwick meets Every Finnish Band that ever recorded meets The Matrix meets a HEA.

or something like that?

I finished watching it with the mute button clicked.  I don’t know if it was my crappy speakers or his singing.  Please tell me this is some 80’s singer I managed to miss the first time around.

Best. Video. Ever.

Reminds me of The Illiad and Odessy, Jason and the Argonauts stuff.  Very Homeric?

His website boasts that video was directed by the special effects artist of Robert Short of “Splash” “E.T.” “Beetlejuice” and “Ace Ventura” fame. 

Oh, I see what you did there…

Well, Kathy, there’s a “hom” in there somewhere. If that singer has ever kissed a girl in his life…. He was so stiff whenever he had to touch her. It was obvious he’s trying very hard to sell the romantic lead is wooing his heroine, but…WOW!

It’s Fintastic!!!

my word: out65

Dr Zhivago meets Cinderella meets the Pirates of the Caribbean meets Peter Pan meets The Witches of Eastwick meets Every Finnish Band that ever recorded meets The Matrix meets a HEA.

Okay, yeah, you win.  The best I’d come up with was The Princess Bride and Stevie Nicks had had a demon love spawn.

He’s a male Celine Dion, without the singing ability. And I may never, ever be able to read another historical romance. Oy.

Orlando Bloom was the only man who could pull off the hot blond elf thing. This was just unbelievable.

Aaargh!  The goggles, they do nothing!!!

I’ve had this video inflicted on my twice in the last 24 hours.  I may stick a knitting needle through my head to get rid of the earworm.

Unfortunately, the sound on my computer is broken, so I can only watch, not listen.

But I’m fairly certain that Superman will not be pleased to learn that The Three Musketeers have been dancing around in his secret ice cave. Nor will Princess Buttercup be happy to hear that Wesley has been hanging around with what appears to be post-op trannies.

A time of darkness, indeed.

Tor.com has a wonderful blog entry about this where Megan Messinger reduced the video to a choose-your-own-adventure (http://www.tor.com/index.php?option=com_content&view=blog&id=10131)—scarily, according to her entry, the guy’s planning two sequels!

I…I…what?
Why was his goatee black? Why all the time period costume changes? WTF was going on???

All I know is, that music, lasted a good 4:17 longer than it needed to.

The Theme - Long Hair Rules! We Love Long Hair!

Somehow I don’t think that the video could have been made without the starring role of long flowing hair.

And what the hell is that thing on his lip?  It scares me… so much…

That was fabulous.  Or rather, I should say the singer was fabulous.  That kiss was hilarious at the end, and he was such a looker to boot.  I don’t quite get why his fake, odd mustache was really dark.  You’d think he’d know better that it wouldn’t match the white hair and all.

I think this is an excellent learning tool - on what it must feel like to have a big romance tbr pile and have a severe case of ADD.  Ooh, guy on horse.  Ooh, look, witches.  Ooh, now we have pirates.  Back to the guy on the horse with bad facial hair.  Now we’re in the mountains with snow.  Now we’re on an exploding pirate ship.  Now there’s an evil guy in a mask.  Now there’s angels.  Now there’s a ship again.  Now there’s horses.  Now there’s dragons.  Back to the bad facial hair.  Now there’s ghosts.  Ooh, shiny object! 

Hey, the song is saying shine on me, right?  Pun-arific.  :)

He also has the exact same face as my mom’s friend…a stay at home mormon mother of five.  Creepy.

Oh my.

Was I supposed to understand that video?!  LOL My head hurts.  I feel like a bookshelf exploded and someone just randomly taped pages back together then read what was there.

Ouch. My head.

I LOVE the Drinking Game idea!  Do you think we can take that many shots in the 4 minute time allotment?  I think sticking a straw in a bottle maybe the way to go!

Why were they using western saddles on the horses? Oh. Yeah. Because that’s the only way to get cowboy romance into to the mix, I guess.

I have to admit, the song is an earworm *shudder* but dude, the production values were pretty darn cool. I wouldn’t mind having a book trailer this good! And some wicked, depraved, totally sick part of my brain wants to read that *book*.

A HA HA!
It’s sad when guys want a woman so much they sort of become one themselves (“see, we have sooo much in common! Like our hair, and clothes, and…”)
That, or are making boat-loads of cash. But, somehow, I sense that dude had a serious investement in this clusterfuck of wow.

This is one of those moments where it’s entirely appropriate to pass the eye bleach. I’ll make a run to the store for more if necessary. On my noble steed no less. Tresses flowing. In my Cat Woman slut suit. Hey, I’d do anything for this crowd.

sense93: Even with 93 possibilities, there’s no way that video made sense.

Um…There I sat, thinking, “Self, you really need to wedge yourself behind your desk and hook up your speakers.” Then I read the comments and am greatly relieved that there’s no rush.
Was worried that in my early morning, uncaffiendated state, I was ill-equipped fully appreciate the video. Again, using the comments as clues, caffiend and being more awake probably won’t help. I also was wondering how he was able to continue singing when he was caught in a wind tunnel.

I’ve now seen that video twice and I still haven’t listened to the song all trough the video, I’ve always muted it because I can’t stand it.

Dr Zhivago meets Cinderella meets the Pirates of the Caribbean meets Peter Pan meets The Witches of Eastwick meets Every Finnish Band that ever recorded meets The Matrix meets a HEA.

Joanne, you forgot Lord of the Rings. Helicopter over woods is so Shire, horse jumping over you, and the ring into the fire, so LotR.

Did no one else see Narnia?  All the snow and ice???

I couldn’t make it through. Perhaps I should try the mute button as so many others have done.

Wow, Lestat’s band is way less hardcore than Anne Rice led me to believe.

I’m stunned.

Things to add to the ‘it was totally like [whatever]’ list:

That grand jeté over the canyon was very Van Hellsing’s amazing flying horses.

Bonnie Tyler’s Total Eclipse of the Heart video. I get the feeling that someone sat down and put a lot of thought into how much crap they could cram in, but it don’t make any damn sense.

I kept expecting it to be porn. There was no pizza delivery guy.

I can’t believe you didn’t take this chance to use the “WTFBBQ?!” caption, because if anything ever called for it, it was this video.

When he fell into the ocean, I just knew there would be a mermaid. HOW CAN THERE NOT BE A MERMAID??? Something’s not right with the world. Or maybe that was where they hit the brakes. “No. A mermaid would be too much. It might cross into cheesy if we use the mermaid.”

I’m weak. I lasted about 6 seconds. Felt the oatmeal rolling in my gut, sweat breaking out. Please, don’t ever do that to us again.

Hubs enjoyed the reveal of the glowing merkin.

Also—the singer is from my home town of L.A., so he hasn’t the convenient excuse of being from Europe.

I LIKED IT!

They’re going to have BEAUTIFUL babies.

The mermaid is in the sequel.

That will be her sister. One of the dragons is an enchanted elf.

All he has to do is get near water without drowning; all she has to do is smooch him without frying. The timing’s gonna be tricky.

*le sigh*

I am dismayed at the lack of man titty.

Wow.  How can something look so expensive and so cheap at the same time? 

what it must feel like to have a big romance tbr pile and have a severe case of ADD.

That is a very good description.

And that poor girl - with the mask guy - and the witches - and the angels - and the bright glare emitting from loverboy’s abs - oh, I just don’t know what else to say.

No, wait, I do.  Were we suppose to believe he was playing that guitar?

Hey, I liked it.  Not the music, but some of the scenery was pretty awe-inspiring.  And why limit yourself to one time-period, when you can incorporate them all.  he he

Did somebody mention Mists of Avalon yet?  But yeah, I liked the comment that said it was all J. Lindsey’s books rolled into one.  That definitely fits, grin.

Should we email him to ask for the inspiration?  What a way to start the day. :)

My friend Mere sent this to me about a week ago raving about the ADD-ness of it all.  “It’s like BAM! Pirate ship! Sleigh ride!  Alligators!  Stonehenge!  All presented without any context to one another!  It’s awesome!”

Thirtygirl: In the scene where he was swinging away from the pirate ship, MY gut reaction was “What the hell is that rope supposed to be attached to?”

Oh THANK YOU.  I just laughed so hard I scared my dogs.  Oh - oh - oh.  Indeed there MUST be mermaids.  Oh.  Oh.  Oh.

Wow that guy is not even close to Kenny Loggins talent wise but he has that same cheesy aftertaste.

You know the economy is bad when he was able to hire the whole Lord of The Rings special effects department for pennies on the dollar.

that was the collected works of Johanna Lindsey brought to life.

Nah, it was the trailer for her new book, Pirate Lords of the Matrix Rings of China’s Russian Prince.  Because that pirate ship looked decidedly junk-like to me.

Hee, TeddyPig, I was thinking that he must have come across the warehouse of leftover LOTR special effects, and taken advantage of New Zealands withdrawal loneliness. 

result49:  What is the result when you mush together 49 different romance themes?  Shine!

I’m interviewing this guy! I’m utterly fascinated by him. (I think I’m hypnotized by his hair fluttering in the wind machine.)

GrowlyCub, I was thinking Mists of Avalon too! And then they transformed into some sort of Charlie’s Angels assassins.

Did anyone else think the red head looked a lot like Giselle from Enchanted?

OMG ON SECOND VIEWING I TOTALLY THINK I HAVE IT.

THEY ARE TWIN BROTHERS.  ONE GOOD, ONE EVIL.  IT IS THE ONLY WAY THIS WORKS.

Maybe it’s my non-romance-reader bias, but I thought there was a pretty good split between romance and Extruded Fantasy Product cover art going on there.

If someone could edit him out of the video, it would totally work.

(He bounces on a walking horse, what kind of a knight bounces on a walking horse????)

And the facial hair was vomitastic, particularly when he was grimacing (was that supposed to be a smile?) while holding hands or sitting next to the poor girl.

I keep looking at those standing stones up there and thinking of Claire Randall. What a different series THAT would have been if she had touched those particular rocks.

Although, I guess, there are SOME similarities—witches, horseback riding, a sea voyage, fire, capes. I guess I always kind of imagined Jamie Fraser as being not quite so ... ridiculous.

Please step away from the stones, Claire.

We actually used to listen to shit like this in the 80’s - sans period costumes.  Unless Adam Ant’s pirate costume qualifies. 

Actually, I think it does.  I’m so ashamed.

LA Times interviews Chris Dane Owens earlier this week. 

Hope the linky magic works.

Lestat’s band is way less hardcore than Anne Rice led me to believe.  Nah, it was the trailer for her new book, Pirate Lords of the Matrix Rings of China’s Russian Prince.    Snork.

This was quite… wonderful.  Thanks all for clarifying that the intermittent mustache wasn’t a blip on my screen.  But are you saying this WASN’T an 80s band?!?

“feel14”  Yes, that did make me feel 14 again :)

Wow, Lestat’s band is way less hardcore than Anne Rice led me to believe.

Ok, that right there is when I almost spit my muffin at my computer. Well played, Ms. Armintrout. Well played, indeed.

From the LA Times interview:

Narnia, LOTR, witches, angels, knights, Final Fantasy, romance, Eragon, ghosts and spirits

Well darn, not a single romance novel named, but he had romance in the tags, so it’s all good, grin.

The mustache is alllllll Wesley, from The Princess Bride!

Well hell.
Thank you karmelrio

It’s so simple once you read the LA Times article: He (the character, I think, maybe the singer) was ‘touched by the Hand of God’ and (either he the creator of the video/or he, the character, I’m not sure, I got bored) had an epiphany.

Huh.

*gapes*

Seriously. Wat?

I cannot get over how amazing this is. I has officially made my life complete. I no longer need material possessions or food or a job, just this video…

OMG OMG. I was two minutes into the video before I realized that the reason I was tearing up was because I’d been holding my breath while watching at work in order to refrain from making Teh. Noise.

You know the one. The “OMGWTFBBQ everyone come see this quick before I’m fired!!” noise.

Oh, yeah. That went down like smooov buttah.

God, I need more caffeine.

o_0

Oh dear lord… 

It’s like a hermaphroditic Fabio sings Rick Astley.  *shudders*  According to the linked article, there’s a forthcoming album full of this stuff in production…

I was thinking CL Wilson while viewing the beginning.  I thought the Tairen’s were going to come out or something…  Couldn’t finish it though, will need to view once I’m home.

A response to when *cough* someone posted the video link on Twitter:

http://twitter.com/RyanDeschamps/status/1054177128

What I said to my husband while watching:

“It’s like David Bowie and Prince had a love child!”

Bloody hell. Bloody, bloody hell.
But - no Regency card game? Or did I blink and miss it?

Oh. My. God. 

I have been without power almost all day and I sign in to view this??

What is very sad is that the Pirate ship, Ice castle, dragons, mermaid, witches and ghostly goddes are all in a fantasy series whose name escapes me- but I think the hero’s name was Garrion. I must go find them when I am done packing and can get near the books.

Sadly, it’s a really good series.

Unlike the video.

We actually used to listen to shit like this in the 80’s - sans period costumes.  Unless Adam Ant’s pirate costume qualifies. 
Actually, I think it does.  I’m so ashamed.

I join you in shame- I was totally thinking Adam Ant.

You want to know shame? I totally went to an Adam Ant show a few years ago. Still hot.

I obviously need to read more historical romance, ‘cause I got just about nothing but snarfles out of that.

Upon second viewing, I still don’t know what to make of it but to say that nothing I remember from the 80’s was this cheesy.

I kinda half expected the Amazing Disappearing Moustache and Soul Patch to end up stuck to the girl’s face after one of the clinches.  Now THAT would have been entertainment!

Okay, I confess. I’m kind of a sap for (some of) the individual images, even though they don’t make sense together in any way—they remind me of some scenes in my most recently completed ms.

My husband, however, says, “The only thing it’s missing is a kitty that says, ‘I poop rainbows.’”

Split decision.  Like the LAT blog article says, it’s either the best or the worst.  But it’s sure as hell getting him lots of attention.  Even on SmartBitches.

Wish I’d made it…

paid67.  Hmm.  Cost of video, in millions? The did redact it in the article.

I don’t know, but there’s just something kinda off-putting to me about a romance hero wearing pink lipstick.

Was that the guy from Princess Bride?

80’s cheeze at its best!  We are having a 60s and 80s music revival   woot!

I just frantically typed a barely coherent e-mail to my sister linking this. Looking in my ‘sent’ folder, I appear to have written:

“LEGOLAS AND FABIO HAVE A LOVE-CHILD WHO IS BORN AND RAISED IN THE ROMANCE SECTION OF A USED BOOKSTORE AND THEN SOMEHOW BECOMES A NINETEEN-EIGHTIES POPSTAR IN 2008! With pirates and I think ninja witches in pleather catsuits for some reason!”

My sister may begin to worry for my state of mind.

All it needed was a few wolves and it could have been the thousands of pages (but still unfinished) George R. R. Martin’s SONG OF FIRE AND ICE.

ev I think you mean the Belgariad by David Eddings? If so I agree, sounds cheesy when you put it that way but excellent series. Folllowed up by the Mallorean and joined by a couple of side books. I sucked them all up like melted chocolate.

But wait, there’s more!  The world in this video is “Arra of the 3rd Kingdom.” It’s going to be a manga series.

Based on the Chis Owens song “Shine” the story follows the adventures of Jade and Arra as they fight to discover the truth about their realm and the 3 Witches that rule it.

You can find a promo video that has some of the same images as in the (much) longer music video here.  The soundtrack sounds vaguely familiar, but I can’t place it.

The two things that were uppermost in my mind while watching this:

This is the Sam’s Club economy-sized block of Velveeta cheese.

and

Did the heroine get drugged along the way?  Is she narcoleptic?  Under a spell that keeps her on the edge of unconsciousness?  I’ve never seen such a somnolent expression on someone being chased by dragons, witches, pirates, and bad facial hair.  Oh, and that was definitely Elric on guitar.

You people crack me up. Jennifer Armintrout: you win the awesome award for the day. Everyone else, snarkalicious! I can’t *wait* for the sequels.

OMG… Must…look…away….

My husband finally asked why I was giggling to myself.  I couldn’t explain… I must force him to watch this…he must suffer as I did.

Seriously…someone paid people to do this?  Obviously they didn’t realize they could find a few crazy ren fair folks, a couple of the dungeons and dragons crowd and one or two theatre majors and get something just as cheezy if not more so.  Probably cheaper too, but I bet a lot more fun.

word is farm 64: as in not even the threat of 64 years on the farm would make me watch that again. At least I had it on mute.

ev I think you mean the Belgariad by David Eddings? If so I agree, sounds cheesy when you put it that way but excellent series. Folllowed up by the Mallorean and joined by a couple of side books. I sucked them all up like melted chocolate.

It wasn’t the Eddings stuff, but another like it. I only read it a year or two ago. I will have to find it. I know it is somewhere on the shelves.

I loved the Eddings stuff too and really enjoyed this other series. But I am old and forgetful.

it sort of does a really bad david bowie labyrthinth era crossed with neverending story thing for me

less22: less22 of the crazy fantasy elements it might have made sense!

Oh my sides…. I have been laughing for the past ten minutes at not only the creepy white haired manbitch singing whispery lyrics that I can’t quite catch, perhaps due to my sinuses exploding a little, nor do I really care about listening to them much, and the group of women in this video, but also the comments. I love you people so much. XD

But seriously! This video would be fine if the lead guy wasn’t a creepy looking manbitch, especially when he paints that goatee on, and the music. This is the second time in 24 hours that I’ve run into a video where the music seriously needed to be considered when pulling a semi-period costumed video.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xU_mz6gWhuA Honestly, I have no problem with the song, in fact I like it, and the video is very nicely done. But they should not be combined. EVER.

omg, @ehren.  I just went to see that other video.  When the Craig Ferguson voice started reading the intro, I thought it was going to be a spoof.  Then it got more serious looking.  Then Teen Angel started singing that *song* in that *voice* and the wtf dissonance between the song and the images made my brain burn.

Methinks the music industry is picking up on the trend toward historicals in romance and has no idea about how to pair those images with modern music. A session in front of A Knight’s Tale might give them a clue.

Lisa- I agree. Not a bad song, and not a bad video but together?? WTF is up with the white wedding gown crap? They really need to do some reasearch before they throw what they think belongs in one of these things, in them.

A Knight’s Tale- haven’t been able to watch is since Heath died.

Even more than Robin Hood, I love all things Musketeers.

This is a weird hybrid of pop from the 70’s and an ignorance of D&D (or, fantasy). I want to kick him in the pants.