Smart Bitches Trashy Books | All of the romance, none of the bullshit.

I want it. You make that shirt at cafepress and I’ll buy at least five.

I’ll make my family wear them so we match when we go to a theme park. (not enough money to get to Disney. We go to a local place--the park mascot is Garfield the Cat. Guess it could be worse..Garfield the President, maybe?)

*ahem* Frisky the cornsnake, who had a cameo role in Smuggler’s Bride has been my responsibility since my son went to college and solemnly assured me the dorms did not allow pet herps.

I think he’s pulling a fast one on me, but what are you going to do?  Periodically I thaw a mouse, wave it in front of Frisky so he thinks it’s alive (they have brains the size of a small pencil eraser) and do my good deed for the snake. 

They do unhinge their jaws to get the mouse inside, which is kind of neat to see.  I’m sure, as Mr. Colbert hints, it does wonders for their social lives.

I am SOOO freakin’ excited for Snakes on a Plane!

Can’t wait can’t wait CAN’T WAIT!!

I’m still snorting with laughter from the title of this entry.

I’d love to see SoP, but the hubby is deathly afraid of snakes. I know where he’s coming from - if the movie was called Spiders on a Plane I’d want absolutely nothing to do with it. Oh well…

You know what’s almost as good as watching the trailer for Snakes on a Plane?

Having Sam Jackson phone your friends to invite them to see Snakes on a Plane: http://snakesonaplane.varitalk.com/

One of the best promotional ideas ever!

jeepers.

super squick warning! Oh no, the next step in romance is here! Slippery slope! ack! gay snakes!

I was looking around for stupid websites to post in Doug’s blog (testing the spam filter) and found one that is sick-creepy-odd animal love. I was getting all squicked out by the hog lovin’ but then recalled why most people raise pigs and my head exploded.

And then I read the dolphin and dog because I couldn’t stop myself.

I’m going for a couple of glasses of wine now.

Go ahead and click. There are no pictures at the link, just earnest howto text.

OK, as a former stud manager and eager Smart Bitch, speaking as one who has, as part of her job, helped “collect” a stallion, I have to say I was really appalled at the “have fun with your stallion” sections.

They seem to start with “go find yourself a stallion” and then go on to say that no one encourages trespassing, but then say that carrying a bottle of KY jelly in a contact lens bottle is “more discrete.”

The jerking off and all those earnest descriptions? Heck, stallions are not that difficult to “collect”. They are trained animals after all. (Racehorses are trained to pee right after a race for drug tests too.)

But the idea of civilians skulking through a stallion pasture whispering to themselves, “Oooo. Look at the Big Horses. How magical and mystical they are. How potent and strong.” really fills me with the urge to take up target practice.

I’m having trouble reconciling the magical mystery sex and the trained performance aspect of this situation. Seems like exploitation of the poor stallion, sleeping in his pasture, dreaming of sweet feed, until some skulking trespasser with a fetish crawls up to him and grabs him by the dick.

On second thought, I hope many, many people get kicked in the head after researching such matters on the internet.

Suisan snorted:
On second thought, I hope many, many people get kicked in the head after researching such matters on the internet.

That would make for an interesting crime scene. Bet it’s happened too.

Kinda reminds me of that scene from Woody Allen’s “Everything You Wanted To Know About Sex - But Were Afraid To Ask” where Gene Wilder falls in love with a sheep - and buys it sexy underwear and jewellery. *lol* Classy.

Curiosity got the better of me (curse me!) and I clicked the hog lovin’ link.  Holy slippery slope, Batman!  (A favorite expression of my husband is holy sheep shit—that seems more appropriate, now that I think about it.)

After reading the girl’s guide to pigs my mind shriveled in upon itself and started to whimper in aggrieved astonishment.

I was sorely tempted to click the “guide to sex with bitches” link - I mean, how topical! - but was afraid of another mental version of those electric shocks they give to mice who don’t choose the chute with food, so I gave it a pass.

But if anyone else is braver than me and gets some good tips from the bitches link that I should share with my husband, let me know.

I read the dogs advice and learned that there’s some sort of knot that can keep a girl and her dog together for 45 minutes and that’s when I went looking for the wine bottle.

I’m tough and the dolphin masturbation techniques didn’t do me in. But the doggie dog was too much.  Speaking of holy sheep shit, Do you suppose werewolf story writers should take this sort of thing into account?

I’m still to timid to click the link - this is my mum’s computer. But dolphin masturbation?

So that whole urban legend that a male dolphin’s orgasm can decapitate a human isn’t true?

jebus, I need a life.

I went back again to see if I could find an answer to AnimeJune’s question and spent way too much time there and now . . .I’m thinking, “okay, so it’s just another lifestyle. If it’s not rape and the animal has fun too who am I to judge them? I mean I EAT animals. . .”

Sob. The SLOPE, the SLOPE. And I don’t remember the scoop on the dolphin orgasms, but I’m out of here and into the real world where I will maybe make a ham sandwich.

Do you folks remember how last year, nutjob Neil Horsley admitted to having sex with mules? He was on FOX’s Alan Colmes show. Here’s a snip from the link:

AC: “You had sex with animals?”

NH: “Absolutely. I was a fool. When you grow up on a farm in Georgia, your first girlfriend is a mule.”

Also, since Kate won’t blogwhore for me and forces me to do it myself (back of hand slaps forehead, Scarlett O’Hara-style), here’s the link where Kate & Suisan really get into the animal nasty.

All I have to say is, where else can a guy go to hear hot women talk about sex with animals? Just can’t get that kind of action at home. Oh, how I love the blogosphere.

Do you suppose werewolf story writers should take this sort of thing into account?

Funny, but I was wondering the same thing - like, could that website be research to some people?  I mean, not just for the people who plan to put those tips and techniques into practice (durh).  If little snippets from that site start showing up in werewolf and other fiction, I suppose then we’ll know for sure.

Anyway, thanks for taking one for the team (heh heh), kate r.  I tip my hat to your fortitude.

Doug, I completely missed that Neil Horsley thing at the time.  Un. Be. Lievable.  Him and his ilk really take that Saul to Paul conversion thing (or possibly it’s just plain ol’ hypocrisy) to a whole new level.  Wonder if he was invited back after that?  I would’ve loved to have seen the intro..."And now, we’re proud to welcome back our favorite mule-fucker...Neil Horsley!”

Ah heck, I can’t remember the title of the book.  But someone told me of a paranormal romance where the heroine had sex with the hero when he was a were-tiger.

I’m so happy I don’t read paranormals. :)

To quote Han Solo “sometimes I amaze even myself.” I found the name of the book.  Tiger Eye by Marjorie Liu.

How often do these werewolf paranormals involve bestiality? Are there really that many women out there who find this a turn-on? Or do most of the sex scenes involve the werewolf in human form?

Guess it’s a mass market vs. niche market phenomenon.

That Horsley nut lives just west of here. He’s depressing the average IQ of the whole state.

<style. If it’s not rape and the animal has fun too who am I to judge them? I mean I EAT animals. . .”

Nope. Nope. Nope.  Say what you will about animals raised for food, because that’s a debate that I think has merit on both sides.  But you’ll never get me to agree that any argument in favor of people having sex with animals is palatable on any level.  IMO such a think is unequivocal abuse of the animal.  Seriously—consent?, enjoyment?—these are not terms that IMO apply in any way to this situation.  I wonder, though, if people who undertake this activity are more or less likely to condone rape or condemn same-sex sex.

>>SNAKES! ON A MOTHERFUCKIN’ PLANE! POSSIBLY MARRIED TO GAYS!<<

I wish that were a movie. I’d go see it.

Sandyo: “To quote Han Solo “sometimes I amaze even myself.” I found the name of the book.  Tiger Eye by Marjorie Liu.”

TIGERS? But, but...I remember having to take a biology class where we learned how tigers had sex (like I really needed to learn that to go on to earn my English degree), and they said that the tiger’s member has BARBS on it to KEEP IT IN, because they’re supposed to go at it for up to SIX DAYS STRAIGHT.

Ow! Was that how it was in “Tiger Eye”??

It’s good to know that people are as excited about Snakes On A Plane.

You can take any other species of animal and put it on any other means of transportation and it still doesn’t have the same zip.

As an example: Voles on a Minivan.

See? Doesn’t work.

“So that whole urban legend that a male dolphin’s orgasm can decapitate a human isn’t true?”

I haven’t heard that one, but now I want to ask MythBusters.

Besides The Colbert Report and his connection between gay marriage and snakes, the last time gay marriage was in the major news cycles, The Daily Show had an explanation (complete with diagrams and equations) of how it could lead to a man having sex with a box turtle.

Found it.

The Daily Show on Gay Marriage

“How often do these werewolf paranormals involve bestiality?”

It’s kind of a gray area. On another blog we were talking about boundary lines in paranormal romances. Like could you persuade someone of a romance between a human woman and a sentient gelatinous blob. Odo from DS9 was mentioned.

There’s a line of Breed books by Lora Leigh, and the one I read had the Breed hero getting so excited that he “knotted” his lover, evidence that she was his true mate or some such thing. I assume she’s doing well with this, but it’s not for me. It passes my squick threshold. I’m not big on shifter romances in the first place, and I definitely want them in human form before they start the foreplay.

Waterhouse: “You can take any other species of animal and put it on any other means of transportation and it still doesn’t have the same zip.”

I dunno - I’d see great potential in “Sharks on a Bus”. It even comes with its own tagline:

“If the shark stops swimming, it dies - if the bus stops driving, it EXPLODES!”

Hot damn, I’d so go and see Sharks on Bus!

Someone sent me the following link, and this seems like the appropriate place to share it:

http://www.ihumpedyourhummer.com/blog/about

Make sure you read the Manifesto and check out some of the videos.  “Call on Me” is especially good.

Sharks on a Bus! Genius!

“I want these motherfucking sharks off this motherfucking bus!”

“So that whole urban legend that a male dolphin’s orgasm can decapitate a human isn’t true?”

I haven’t heard that one, but now I want to ask MythBusters.

I guess they’ll use Buster the crash dummy as a target, but who gets to, erm, manipulate the dolphin: Adam or Jamie? Or would they flip a coin?

AnimeJune--quick, go trademark that mofo, or they’ll snick it for the sequel!

I’m astounded at the worldwide enthusiasm for SOAP (I love the acronym). There is something just waaaaay too compelling about it. I think it’s the utter baldness of the title. You know the marketing people must have wanted to call it “Hiss” or some dumb shit like that. Thank goodness Samuel L. Jackson insisted on the straightforward title.

Actually, the studio was going to change the title to “Pacific Air 161”, but Sam Jackson would have none of that. “People don’t go to movies to see Pacific Air!” quoth he, “They go to movies to see deadly-ass snakes on a plane!”

However, I can’t help but compare this whole situation to “The Emperor’s New Clothes”. No one’s actually SEEN the movie, and there are going to be no preview screenings for critics. The hype generated by this movie has made “Snakes on a Plane” the epitome of coolness, but I have a feeling that when it premieres, and fanboys are “oohing” and “aahing”, there’s going to be an innocent child at the back of the theatre who cries, “Hey!  Can’t you all see that Samuel L. Jackson isn’t wearing any clothes?”

Er, wait a minute… :P I mean: “Wow, this really IS just a cheesy horror movie!” Not that there’s anything wrong with that. I’m impressed that there’s such a huge fanbase, and that the studios made changes to the movie based on fan appreciation, but I worry it may be a little overhyped.

I can’t see a problem with, “Hey, Samuel L. Jackson isn’t wearing any clothes?” I’m pretty sure any movie where he says muthafucker at least four times will be a smash hit, although he lost ground for the Star Wars thing. But still, he’s way ahead of the rest of Hollywood in cool points, so he can handle a little Lucassification.

YI-YI-YIKES!  This is like the gerbster discussion, but to the nth power.  At least I feel a little better about having the shape-shifting hero in my current book making love to the heroine while he’s in the form of a snake.  (No spelunking, though.  Gotta draw the line somewhere.)

BTW, did you know Jehovah’s Witnesses are anti-blood-transfusion?  Evelyn and her friend showed up at my door today--while I was writing vampire erotica, mind you, NO SHIT--and handed me three Watchtower magazines, one of which was devoted to the biblical injunctions against peeps sharing blood.  Made me wag my head and think, Well, this is either a very good or very bad sign....

“I dunno - I’d see great potential in “Sharks on a Bus”. It even comes with its own tagline:

“If the shark stops swimming, it dies - if the bus stops driving, it EXPLODES!”

AnimeJune; I hear what you’re saying, but the plane is hurtling through the freaking air, wheras a bus would just be cruising down Second Avenue.

However, what would ya’ll think of “Scorpions on a Cruise Ship”?

At the very least, I want to hear the phrases “I want these motherfuckin’ snakes off this motherfuckin’ plane” and “I’ve had it with these goddamn snakes” uttered with the appropriate Samuel L. Jackson panache. I’m essentially expecting somewhere along the lines of Lone Wolf McQuade, except instead of an evil midget on a wheelchair, we have evil snakes...on a plane.

and THIS is why I’m a little bit in love with you, Candy.

However, what would ya’ll think of “Scorpions on a Cruise Ship”?

Waterhouse, make that a “Crusie” ship, add an incontinent beagle, a wacky best friend, maybe a grandma with kleptomania, and I think that thing could float.

“I have a feeling that when it premieres, and fanboys are “oohing” and “aahing”, there’s going to be an innocent child at the back of the theatre who cries, “Hey!  Can’t you all see that Samuel L. Jackson isn’t wearing any clothes?”

Lets not kid ourselves, it’s most likely gonna suck. But the title alond redeems it. Snakes On A Plane is almost zen in its pithy badassness.

Um, anyone remember Deep Blue Sea?  Jackson made his requisite bad-ass comments and then got swallowed whole by a shark the size of a blue whale halfway through.  Unless SOAP revels in its campiness, I see it bombing.

Or maybe turning into the ultimate DVD drinking game, where you take a shot every time Jackson says “motherfuckin’” and a chug of beer every time the cobra’s on screen.

On a vaguely-related note, is there any hope of a Special Gay Edition of cover-snarking?  Covers like this come to mind.

Done and done - they even reviewed the book. They described the cover as one guy have extreme genital elephantitis, or as I like to call it, “Mr. Ed Disease”.

I went and watched the Colbert clip on youtube. He’s one funny muthafucker. I love the way he raises his brow when he’s making a particularly persuasive point.

This just in!

Life Imitates Art at ‘Snakes’ Screening

New Samuel L Jackson film Snakes On A Plane became terrifyingly real for Arizona cinema-goers when pranksters released two live rattlesnakes into the theatre, causing widespread panic. The two young venomous diamondback rattlers were released during a screening in Phoenix on Friday. Local news reports say the snakes caused chaos among the audience and snake wranglers were called in to collect them. No one was injured during the incident and the culprits have not been caught. Officials believe the snakes were smuggled into the theatre in backpacks. According to Phoenix Herpetological Society spokesman Daniel Marchand, “All they’ve got to do is startle this thing. It’s dark. They can’t see you that well. If it’s scared - boom - it strikes!” The snakes were eventually captured and released into the Arizona desert.