Smart Bitches Trashy Books | All of the romance, none of the bullshit.

I fear for your physical and mental health because you handled this toxic material, but Bitch You Have Gone Too Far with reading passages out loud.

You know the baby can hear that, right? You’ve scarred her for life in ways she may never understand…

I agree, Sarah, you must think of Baba O’Reilly.  “Books” like that should come with a warning label. Do Not Read if Pregnant, Breathing or Have Brain in Gear.

I’m sorry I’m still trying to get past the names Homer & Wilbur.

Candy, thanks for taking one for the team. Find me in Dallas so I can buy you a drink or two.

“married12” is my verification word. Do you think that’s some kind of comment on hillbilly love?

Dear God. I just had visions of Homer Simpson, Walter Post, and Mr. Ed in a nasty three-way...and from Sarah’s description, that’s better than Allen’s gold-plated garbage…

Welcome to being distracted while reading the blogs. LOL! A bun in the oven does tend to slow down the booze intake (or it should!). I’ll have to owe ya.

Even the blurb is painful with typos, misspellings, and one sentence fragment I cannot decipher—something about a tool, a knee, and the soft.

Honestly, after reading as much of the first chapter as I could stand, this was all that came to mind…

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BGjtpOC6VgE

Rachel, that was just mean.

And Sarah, how does it rate on the Sweet Savage Scale of F grades?

Ooh, is there a book version of a sorbet palette cleanser?  NR?  Crusie? Kinsale?

My heartfelt thanks for saving me mucho dinero in therapy. I was actually tempted to read the books to see if they lived up (or, rather, down) to the covers. That first chapter cured any current and all future temptation.

This is why you got the book deal - you’re willing to do your research and sacrifice yourself for the good of us all.

(Not that I was ever remotely tempted to spend money on those titles, but still…

Oh my!
You actually READ that thing....poor baby.

Thank you for doing it for us.

Just reading the review makes me wanna gouge out my eyes with a spoon. I can’t imagine how I’d feel if I actually read the book.

However, I’m impressed they were able to work Gold Plated Garbage Truck into a title. That’s quite an accomplishment.

Read part of the first chapter. Tongue manouvers? Ugh! You’ve got to be kidding me. Its horrid!

I can’t believe you made it past the first few paragraphs.Your pain threshold must be incredibly high.

Which of the two women on the cover is purported to be “innocent, sweet, delicate and pure”?

Hey, when we dared you to do this it was kind of like daring you to stick your tongue on the frozen flagpole.  I never expected you to actually do it.

You’re going to have to read something profound aloud to clear this out of little Baba’s head.

did anyone happen to note that someone rated the book “good”? let’s see, you’ve got the author… and people the author paid? awful, just awful.

There’s never a good time to call someone a dumbass. Except I must. You’re a dumbass. You picked up a book titled The Gold Plated Garbage Truck, and you’re surprised it was awful. Would you order a dish called “A Couch Covered in Paisley Fabric”? in a restuarant? I mean a guess you could, but don’t be surprised if it’s tasteless and dry.

It’s our fault, Ann.  We dared the SBs to read it.  I confess that I may have been the first to throw the dare.  We’re like little kids on the playground, only meaner and with bigger boogers.

well
um

I read the first chapter of this book that’s available on the website and I laughed aloud, twice. I wasn’t looking for hot passion erotic stuff (because wooweee, it’s so obviously not going to be there) and maybe I was expecting horrible and don’t always mind horrible.

Anyway.

I liked what I read.

I’m not sure I’d buy it because a little bit goes a long way. But I thought it was funny send up of stupid stereotypes and I think it was supposed to be? Maybe?

I’ve fallen so very, very far in my personal reading standards. I didn’t like Confederacy of Dunces because I thought it was too obvious and the humor too physical.**Sob**

Kate, sweetie, should I be worried that you like my stuff?

My eyes! My eyes!

I’m sorry - I just can’t get past Homer and Wilbur. Wii-lll-bur!

Five minutes of my life I’ll never get back.

Could be something to worry about, yeah.

I do think I had the advantage: I read the chapter expecting the worst and certainly not expecting anything that could be called “erotic romance” Just that one chapter really is major bonerdeath, Sarah’s absolutely right about that.

She read it expecting she’s supposed to like and cheer for the characters--in other words, the usual sort of approach romance readers have for a book. I read it having been warned and thought it was a lot like that damned Confederacy of Dunces. We are definitely supposed to laugh at these people, not with them. 

Hey, lovelysalome, if it makes you feel better maybe my current bout of tastelessness is temporary.

OMG. I saw the title of that post. And was like ‘I’ve never seen them making fun of the book in the TITLE but that IS funny’.

Then came the moment of stupendous realisation that this was in fact the title of the book.

Surely it was meant to be funny? Or something… but as you said, fail.

Wilbur and Homer? Are you effing *kidding* me? WTF names their heros after a freaking *pig* and an odessey? The *only* way I think I’d be able to deal with a Wilbur is if Brad Pitt *pre-Angelina* played the role.

Okay. Now that I got that off my chest… On to read the rest of your review… :-)

I’m not sure what’s worse—the fact that you read it, or despite the fact that you told us how bad it was I still read the entire review.

Okay that was horrible. That publisher can’t be reputable. I read some of it and stopped after he had sex with his cheating wife. WTF!

Poor baby, you read more than the first chapter. You’re going to need a lobotomy to ever forget Wilbur and the back door.

And just for the record I’ll second that you are not a dumbass.

Uh, guys…
This book was not only titled “Erotica” but also “Humor”. I read the Fictionwise excerpt and can’t help thinking that the author doesn’t want us to take this too
seriously.
I mean, the digs about the homosexuals in New York City and California; the constant references to Emily as ‘sweet’, ‘simple’ and ‘innocent’ even though, as you pointed out Sarah, she patently isn’t; the deliberate lack of correct grammar...and I think you can tell it’s deliberate from the first sentence; the rambling nature of the thoughts, as if by someone who *is* a garbage-truck driver who likes to shoot road signs with his .22.
If you said something like this about one of *my* books, say, then fair enough, because none of mine are (intentional) comedies. However, I think TC Allen’s tongue is stuck firmly in cheek on this book ... can’t comment on the erotica because I didn’t read it but, to be honest, I’d give it a little bit of slack just due to the humour labelling.
Fire away, I’ve got my blindfold with me!

Postscript: In fact--what the hell!--I’ll say I liked it, in a “Reno 911!” way.

Intentionally satirical or not, I couldn’t get past, “old boy had his tongue so far down my little gal’s throat if he would of sneezed, she’d of farted.” Yeah, not the imagery I was looking for here.

And, Kate...I didn’t like “Confederacy of Dunces” either.

It’s pretty clear to me that this type of book is not meant for anyone looking for a turn-on so much as a snicker.

This sort of book was never meant to be erotic, but employs the various sexual situations within to make social comment.

My hat is off to the writer, for concealing it so well to the city sophisticates!  He offers validation to the traier trash of the world.  God knows they must appreciate it!

KS wrote:
“his book was not only titled “Erotica” but also “Humor”.”

yes, and if it had only been funny, i could have forgiven the anti-Erotica.... what a shame; i live for funny. i didn’t even give it a smile, much less a chuckle. i just came away with a few less viable brain cells.

Even though I had the feeling it was a bad idea, I just *had* to go and skim through that first chapter.  And all I have to say is:

Worst.  Rural.  Stereotypes. Ever.

I kept expecting someone to break out a banjo at any moment, a la “Deliverance.”

And yes, I did get the impression that the author meant it to be a deliberate satire.  But if so, it failed, for me, at least.  So it sends up the same old tired ignorant, inbred, illiterate redneck cliches in the same ways they are always sent up?  Ho hum.  Try again.

Oh dear. So, no forthcoming review of ‘Humper County Vampires’?

Hey, when we dared you to do this it was kind of like daring you to stick your tongue on the frozen flagpole.  I never expected you to actually do it.

EXACTLY!  Jeez, I never expected you to really read it, or at least read it beyond the first chapter.  Uhhh, thanks Sarah for taking one for the team, but you are in a family way and must take better care of yourself.  No more Lady Aibell Press for you.

The names Wilbur and Homer aren’t nearly as disturbing to me as seeing the name Lillith (or Lilith) used...again...and again...AND YET AGAIN for yet another Ambisextrous Queen of the Fuckin’ Night!  (Original much?  Yeah, Lillith, bite this.)

Yeah, I didn’t find it funny either.  Of course, it’s not meant to REALLY be erotic (at least, that’s my assumption because dear GOD, if I actually had a boner, it would be stone cold dead) but, as someone else said, that could be forgiven if it was the slightest bit funny. 

I get tired of seeing the same old “small-town Southerners are stupid” stereotypes, too.

This falls under the “If you’re going to capitalize on stereotypes, at least do it right” category.  My psycho ex, who was raised in the Everglades (and a number of state prisons and local jails), always told me the most favored “cracker” names were Bubba and Junior.

James Dickey, too, at least had some kind of leg to stand on.

Absolutely Bubba and Junior (which also works for females, btw--I went to junior high with a female Junior and for the life of me I can’t remember her real first name because no one ever called her that), but let’s not forget Billy, Lee, Ray, and Travis.  I swear at least 50% of my little school’s males were named one of those four… and, oddly, to go with the huge kicker population we also had 2 guys in my graduating class of 111 who were named Stacy.  (Well, one was Stacey.  But no matter how you spell it, that’s definitely NOT a cracker name.)

Oh, and pretty much anything hyphenated with Joe works for the over-the-top Stupid Hick names--again, male or female.

Well, I’m north of the everglades by several hundred miles but I do remember a couple of Homers but no Wilburs.  There was also at least one Melvin and a couple of Bufords.

Is this sort of humor supposed to capitalize on fans of My Name Is Earl?  If I had more energy I would get a copy and give it to the biggest fan of this show I know and see how he reacts.

You know what part of it that makes my brain explode?

“"That is part of the problem with you, Wilbur.” She gave me a painful squeeze. “I been married to you since I was fourteen years old. We been married for fifteen years and you count ‘em; I am now twenty-five years old and I only got off with you maybe a half dozen times in that whole fifteen years.”

First: Married since she was fourteen years old? Yuck?
And then: If she is now twenty-five and they’ve been married for fifteen years, wouldn’t that mean that they married when she was, like, TEN?
Blah.