HaBO: “A Steaming Pile of Poo”
This HaBO request from Rosemary nearly made me spit out my coffee. Help this poor woman out, while I go get more coffee?
Here’s what I remember.
1. She’s a librarian taking a booze-cruise sort of thing when the boat ends up being shipwrecked on a deserted island.
2. He’s a SEAL or Green Beret or some crap like that.
3. She’s a virgin (of course).
4. He chases her through the jungle and is about to throw her down and rape her (cuz she’s beeeeeyyyoootiful) when she gets her period and he realizes that it freaks her out to lose her virginity on her period, so he backs off. (But the author makes a point to say that he’s down with riding the tide.)
5. He takes her to the grotto (with the waterfall) and cleans her up as a way to say “sorry for the attempted rape,” but also tells her, “As soon as the crimson wave passes, I’m banging you.”
6. To continue being nice to her he makes her a comb out of a shell of some sort and combs out her hair, but whenever he reaches a tangle, he just pulls out his big knife and cuts the knot off.
7. He makes some sort of nature-pad out of moss (after making her some new panties out of leaves or some plant debris because he TORE OFF THE OTHER ONES.)
8. Pulling out works for them as a form of birth control.
9. They’re eventually rescued and she goes back to the library, and he finds her and her crazy looking hair in the stacks one day and blah blah blah, HEA.(All dialog was paraphrased by me.)
The book came out in ‘89-’92 since I remember reading it in World History junior year of high school, and it had a purple cover. It was the second romance novel I ever read, and tainted me against contemporary novels for the rest of my life. I apparently have pretty severe masochistic tendencies since I want to reread this steaming pile of poo. Can anyone help me out?
Rosemary: there are so many good contemporary romances, many which do not feature shipwrecked menstruating librarians being chased through the underbrush.
Could it be “Date With The Devil” by Olivia Rupprecht? It is a Loveswept published in 1991, and seems to fit the bill. Never read it, but a web search showed up with a very similar question asked, and answered with that title, on another site. And does anyone else worry that the wizards on the blog are silently correcting spelling and punctuation? For us non-English majors that is? :)
And of course this steaming pile of poo would feature a virgin librarian. ::headdesk::
I had a seriously good laugh over reading Rosemary’s description though.
Yup, it’s “Date With The Devil” by Olivia Rupprecht. He stalks her like an animal before they do it for the first time because she was freaked out (by his manliness?) watching him sleep or something. Thinking back now, this sounds really creepy.
Oh my god. I think I have to read this one now. *runs to Amazon*
I agree Jill. It’s like a train wreck. I’m trying not to look but… Maybe we should just buy a copy and pass it around? I don’t think I want to claim ownership of this one.
This is the most whack plot I have ever heard.
What kind of sick mind even thought of this story? And then thought it was worth sharing? And then found a publisher who agreed! The horror, the horror!
Now I’m going to pour a bottle of Clorox in my ear. Luckily the weevil larvae have already made a path directly into my brain.
Shit… I need to read this for the lulz alone!
Rosemary, this would have put me off the genre too! Fortunately, I guess, this was while I was in graduate school, and I read no romance novels during that time (too much research to do, and it was the wrong kind of escapism given what else was going on in my life).
Wow, just wow. “Steaming pile of poo” sounds like an understatement to me.
Where’s the lolporn when you need it?
I remembered more details!
At the end of his chase, he hisses in her ear, startling her. He was the disciple of a Japanese martial arts expert, and he made her hug a tree to build up discipline. He latches on from behind her, I think, and she’s turned on by the bark.
Why didn’t they cover shipwrecked with a horny SEAL in the worst case scenario class in library school? All we talked about was floods.
Although the story sounded pretty good right up to ‘booze cruise’.
I think I might want a look at this trainwreck.
Sounds like just the sort of man I’ve been searching for all my life. *snort* So considerate! So multitalented! Not only does he have survival skills, he does hair too! *rolls on floor in helpless laughter* Seriously, it’s a wonder we aren’t scarred for life, having read crap like this in our teens. (I’m trying to block out a few masterful rapes by ‘heroes’.)
If you want to read something less traumatizing about running around in the jungle with a SEAL, I recommend “Out of Control” by Suzanne Brockmann. There’s no virgin librarian with a period, though, so the experience might be somewhat lacking. *g*
(What do you know, my spamword is control21 which I will take as a sign to go ahead and recommend SB’s book.)
Turned on by bark? You say that like it’s something peculiar. Most women are, yes? Flora is the next big thing in shifter stories.
(But srsly, what the hell ??)
he’s sounds like a real prince.
this was especially odd, since I just spent the last two days watching the DVDs of “Navy SEALS” from the military channel.
who wants to put moss in their...? eeeeeewww.
This sounds excruciating! I must own it immediately!
I suspect Always will be out with a line of moss pads, any minute now. With wings. Wings of what? We don’t know. But wings.
Have a great period.
Okay, I want to know the name of this book just because. (and to look for it in a library/bookstore and giggle)
After reading about some of the plots of these supposed romances, it’s no wonder my mother didn’t let me read this genre! Good grief :@
Moss with wings. Am I the only one thinking about dragonflies embedded in the moss? Ech.
Gives a new meaning to organic products
There’s just so such wrong it’s hard to know what to think. How in the world did such a mess get published? I’ve never heard of a booze cruise that went far enough to get shipwrecked anywhere, let alone a desert island. Who was at the helm, Gilligan & the Skipper? And I really hope no actual SEALs ever have occasion to hear about this. Everyone seems to feel that their profession gets misrepresented in fiction, but SEALs have more cause for complaint than most and this book sounds like the last straw.
YES! It’s Date With the Devil!!!! Y’all are SO GOOD! Woo hoo!
God, y’all. This book was so very bad.
And, why would it be called Date with the Devil when they weren’t really on a date, but stranded on an island?
Shipwreck of the Damned would be more appropriate.
Who was at the helm, Gilligan & the Skipper?
Then the librarian could have borrowed a Tampon from Ginger. If Ginger had room to pack multiple evening gowns for a three hour tour, one hopes she would have always carried feminine protection.
Although in the case of this book, it sounds like appropriate feminine protection would have been mace and a revolver.
Yep, it’s Date with the Devil all right! The plotline is engraved on my memory.
God help me.
Ewwwww! What is with those plots featured Aunt Flow? How squicky.
Why do I think of the movie Swamp Thing? Virgin being devirginized on some moss. How romantic.
If you’re a member of paperbackswap.com, you can get it for free, though you’ll have to give up a book credit . . .
It’s my new way of getting crap romances when the library doesn’t have them, but I just have to torture myself, but not to the tune of $7 - 14.
Wow, that “hero” outdoes the guy who apparently enjoys us reading him the Dewey decimal system.
A virgin librarian? huh. The only librarian I know used to work in a porn store (for real).
1-5 I thought this was the book that would get me over the “OMG I have to read that horrible book!” tendencies.
Then 6-9 made me see the error of my ways and I once again add something to “weird shit I have to read before I die” list.
She dedicated the book to her father???
http://www.mrsgiggles.com/books/rupprecht_date.html
It sounds so bad it might be worth reading
Thanks guys, I just sprayed my Chai Iced Latte all over my computer screen and my cube mates are now convinced I am possessed by the devil because of the uncontrollable laughter.
I can’t believe something with this ridicolous plot actually got published. That being said I am riding the “must read” trainwreck and may get a copy at paperbackswap...anyone want to read it when I’m done.
LOL
I suspect Always will be out with a line of moss pads, any minute now. With wings. Wings of what? We don’t know. But wings.
Have a great period.
Feathers. Bird feathers. Hey, you’re in the middle of nowhere and them birds make good eating once you’ve plucked ‘em so you can have some (semi)sanitary pads.
Just don’t make me think about what he’d use to create a tampon. Please.
This book just sounds sooooo wrong… I think I would be scared. I was a big Loveswept/Sillouette/Harlequin reader at that time… glad I never came across this one!!
I have this book! It’s as deliciously lurid and trashy as it sounds. Add to the previously discussed plot elements bbq’d snake, swinging through the jungle on vines a la Tarzan, and the hero’s secret engagement to the daughter of his sensei. And the cover is oh so snark-worthy.
Time for a reread. Where’s my Maalox?
My spamword is food45. OK, as long as it’s not bbq’d snake.
As a SEAL, of COURSE he’s down with riding the tide. I would expect nothing else.
This book sounds like a hot mess.
OK, now that I am back from running to the bathroom....
I also recommend the Suzanne Brockmann books as an antidote to this crap.
My spamword is behind21. there are just too many jokes to go with that one.
Off to go see Batman!!
Just to throw in a “Kids, don’t try this at home!” caveat, if you’re thinking of using moss for your Monthly Friend, I’ve got one word for you:
Chiggers.
Trust me, I live in Florida, I know from moss and bugs!
C’mon, there are 41 used copies of this book available at Amazon.com starting at $0.01! I just ordered one. Virtual book club, anyone?
Publish a chapter a week???
I apparently have pretty severe masochistic tendencies since I want to reread this steaming pile of poo. Can anyone help me out?
Sorry, no can help, I was up to my elbows in steaming piles of poo in the more literal sense at that time with an infant and a 2 year old to look after.
Poopy romance stories about menstruating librarians? Umm, no thanks…
Besides, snakes, nope, no way, they make my skin crawl literally. Glad the ophidian creature was bbq’d. Yak.
God you all are so much fun here… LOL
Turned on by bark? You say that like it’s something peculiar. Most women are, yes? Flora is the next big thing in shifter stories.
(But srsly, what the hell ??)
Oh, good Lord. Now all I can think of is that scene from Evil Dead where the girl gets raped by a tree.
Off to check out Amazon! This one sounds too weird for words.
Wow! At 1¢ sign me up! Soooo Bad!
Ohmigod. This sounds awful- I’ve gotta read it.
WTF?
I… wow. Wow is all I can say to that. 1 penny on Amazon, you say? Hmm…
I remember Loveswept. They turned down my perfectly good but dreadfully written little romance story...for THIS?
$0.01 on Amazon, you say? Cheap at half the price.
spamword: used71 - well, certainly not NEW!
37 copies left on amazon.
Do I smell a new “bestseller”
Just to throw in a “Kids, don’t try this at home!” caveat, if you’re thinking of using moss for your Monthly Friend, I’ve got one word for you:
Chiggers.
Or two more words: Fire Ants
Because, yeah, chiggers are bad, but nothing compares to having one of those vicious little bastards biting you. (Bad flashbacks of my backyard in Tallahassee.)
Moss with wings? Sounds an awful lot like the WTF thing in the background of cover snark #3 in the post below this one…
I couldn’t stop laughing at the synopsis! Sarah, you are The Goddess! *prostrates self before you* The storyline kind of reminds me of the old days of romance series novels!!! Yes, really old, like in the 70’s. (I was but a youth at the time--innocent, yet insatiably curious.) Somehow, they were all terrible, although each in their own uniquely hideous way. However, I feel the horrible, inexorable pull, and must run to Amazon to reserve my copy.... Why am I so weak.....???? Curse you, romance novels!!
I have this somewhere - it thrilled my virginal sensibilities when I first read it…
Rupprecht also wrote another Loveswept about a virgin who becomes a surrogate mother for her sister because it was the sister’s dying wish to have a baby. Unbeknownst to the husband, who the virgin just happens to have a crush on.
He finds out she’s pregnant, insists she moves in with him because she’s a single mother and proceeds to try to get it on with her. I remember a scene where he gets her top off and comments on her “pouting breasts” because she is big with child.
When he finds out it’s his baby, it turns into a Harlequin “Millionaire Boss’ Secretary’s Secret Baby” type plots. Lots of misunderstandings ensue before the HEA.
[[he’s down with riding the tide]]
Okay, now I’ve spit MY coffee out! Thanks for that.
Damn! I’m sure I’ve read this one about the secret surrogate parenting as a teenager!
There was a scare about the paternity of the baby late in the pregnancy b/c he didn’t donate at the clinic (the clinic being adamant about only accepting samples donated at the clinic) - it turns out he donated a sample at home and a friend of theirs went to the clinic pretending to be him (as a huge favor to the dying sister/wife.) Hmmm. Not intrigued enough to want to reread it, even if I do come across it somewhere. I remember liking it, though!
Um, er…
Sphagnum moss has been used by indigenous people and modern manufacturers in nappies (diapers) and sanitary pads and as a surgical dressing, due to its absorbent qualities.
One would assume inspection to de-chigger and de-fireant would be part of the process…
The description of this book is hilarious!
But the author makes a point to say that he’s down with riding the tide.
Bwwahaahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!
Too marvelous, that. Splendid Friday giggles. Oh the agony of this laughter!!
Did someone guess? Must search comments, but had to release the laughter first. It was as wild and untamed as this book’s description.
Now all I can think of is that scene from Evil Dead where the girl gets raped by a tree
WUT.
Note to self: NEVER SEE.
Evil Dead, cult classic. Girl runs through evil woods after the spell from the Necronomicron (book of the dead, which I’m sure I misspelled) is read out loud. Tree roots trip her up, pin her spread eagle, and a tree proceeds to “have its way with her” in brilliant stop motion footagle. It’s really bad. Then, the girl is possessed and giggles in this hideous way that pretty much makes you want to strangle her. I’ve not seen it for a long time, but that covers if pretty well I think.
That would be “footage” not footagle, which I’m sure isn’t even a word. Bad speelers of the Wurld Untie!
I thought you meant “footangle” - which isn’t a word, either, but which I loved. *g*
Yes, but would that be “foo-tangle” which does bring to mind some sexual connotations, or “foot-angle” which is just a bit too close to fetishism?
Oh gods… now THAT’S romance! (I mean, she tuned out of World History for THAT? I think World History would have had more teeth--and possibly more romance!)
Evil Dead, cult classic. Girl runs through evil woods after the spell from the Necronomicron (book of the dead, which I’m sure I misspelled) is read out loud. Tree roots trip her up, pin her spread eagle, and a tree proceeds to “have its way with her” in brilliant stop motion footagle. It’s really bad.
I’ll pass on this one too. Even without viewing the movie, the visual is too much. Lends whole new meaning to “WTF”!!!
Feet + Roots + Tangled = Footangled
Oh my god. I think I have to read this one now. *runs to Amazon*
Ditto…
Did I read Mrs. Giggles right? His name is Sterling Jakes?
Oh so fitting that the star of a ‘steaming pile of poo’ should be named after a pound’s worth of the brown stuff.
So the hero is an ex-SEAL, a potential rapist, and.......master of arts, crafts, and hair styling?
Oh, what I wouldn’t do to have a man that knows how to pleasure me, teach me karate, and make maxi pads out of grass and twigs. *dramatic sigh* My husband just likes sex and TV. Where did I go wrong?
Wow, I get these disturbing visions of a bunch of Seals on a training mission learning the super secret survival techniques for field assembled maxipads. You can never be too prepared for those menstruating librarians.
Evil Dead, cult classic. Girl runs through evil woods after the spell from the Necronomicron (book of the dead, which I’m sure I misspelled) is read out loud. Tree roots trip her up, pin her spread eagle, and a tree proceeds to “have its way with her” in brilliant stop motion footagle. It’s really bad. Then, the girl is possessed and giggles in this hideous way that pretty much makes you want to strangle her. I’ve not seen it for a long time, but that covers if pretty well I think.
So many jokes: The nut didn’t fall far from the family tree; our little branch of the family tree; And here’s our little girl, Willow, etc.etc.etc.
Ok, ordered this bitch from PaperBackSwap.com. I think a month from now all the bloggers should post reviews, and give away the book as a prize.
Sadly Jo, the only way to “cure” the possesed in Evil Dead is to chop them up with a chain saw and bury them. No little nuts after that. Though it did lead directly to a chain-saw wielding Ash (played by a very young Bruce Campbell) in the follow up movies, Evil Dead 2 and the third installment Army of Darkness. The movies were made by the Raimi crew, and by the third they actually had 1) a decent budget and 2) come to grips with the fact that they were not cut out for horror, but did slapstick camp really well (they are the folks behind Xena after all). The first is fun because of who they all grew up to be, not because there is a huge audience for cross Kingdom (much less species) sex.
I *heart* the Evil Dead moives. Have you seen the plush necronomicon? This thing cracks me up.
OH MY. I must find one of those for my brother for Christmas. Of all the books he owns, why do I think he still probably doesn’t have a plush Necronomicron of his very own? And what kind of mental processes lead from a Romance novel starring menstrual virgin librarians being deflowered in the jungle (how apropos) by ex-SEAL secrectly engaged martial artists to plush books of the dead?
New from Playtex:
Go Green and Get Going
with our new
All Natural Moss Tampon with Bamboo Applicator
It’s biodegradable! It’s 100% Natural!
It’s Scratchy Like Bark So It Doubles as A Marital Aid When He’s Out of Town!
chrissy.....................thats just ALL kinds of wrong
Sorry shannon. Really.
oh dear gawd, my werd is red19
I picked this up today in the bargain clearance bin at my UBS for 35 cents… it’s pretty painful reading. The prose is downright aubergine, and my eyes have been rolling so often that I fear they may get stuck in the back of my head.
I can tell you the reason for the book’s name, tho--
After he’s saved her life by swimming from the sinking boat (towing her unconscious body through ten miles of shark-infested waters, then losing her right before shore and having to resuscitate her when she eventually washes up on the sand), he’s carrying her from the beach to shelter…
“How did it happen? she asked faintly, wanting to forget, to go home, to be anywhere but here. She willed her mind to drift away as he began walking, the steady thump of her cheek against his neck matching the beat of her heart.
“Take it from an old salt, darlin’,” he said next to her ear. “Anything can happen in the Bermuda Triangle. When you take a date with The Devil, it’s a whole new set of rules.”
Apparently they are dating the devil. Or just playing by his rules. Or something.
Riveting reading, let me tell you. From what I gather so far, he’s a tiger, you see—and prone to KungFu-like visions and flashbacks and animal instincts. Rawr.
Diane
off to read
Ok. I read it.
And first, to correct myself, he’s a ninja, not a kung fu master. And the tiger/vision stuff is there, but not overwhelming in the book. Just the occasional ‘grasshopper’ moments of insight.
Rosemary, I hope you do re-read it now that you are out of your teens, and share your opinion of the book. I wonder if it would change. Or at least if your summation would be revised a bit.
The first chapter or so was painful in its flowery prose. And the ending insulted my intelligence. But there were times in the middle when it actually wasn’t a bad book! LOL Not great. Not profound. Not memorable. But I didn’t feel like I had been robbed of three hours of my life either. I just had to suspend disbelief enough to get into that Tarzan, Blue Lagoon, Crusoe mode, perhaps with a tinge of Lord of the Flies thrown in. And I was able to manage it for pages at a time. Then some especially purple prose would jump off the page and make my eyes roll.
There really wasn’t a rape scene—they were just living up (down?) to their baser instincts. She was as into it as he was… she just didn’t know what to do with all those horn-dog urges, what with being a virgin and all. And yeah. He was pretty forward about it, to the point where most women would have brained him, especially considering the timing in the story (they’d barely landed on the beach before he was lusting after her). Sexual harassment? Probably. But it wasn’t rape in the true definition of the term, and while it certainly wouldn’t fly by today’s standards, it did fit the “alpha he-man, dragging his woman around by the hair” attitude that prevailed in romances of that era.
The menses scene, while I doubt I would have reacted that way, wasn’t out of the realm of possibility. This is, of course, if you suspend disbelief enough to imagine anything in this story is possible in the first place. The tree scene was actually at a point in the story where he was teaching her how to climb. And it got a little zen (or the ninja equivalent) in the teaching—accept your new circumstances, learn to take control and protect/provide for yourself, be one with the tree, we are the world, blah blah, but wasn’t supposed to be sexxing a tree. Much. LOL
So was it up to the caliber of Nora? Hardly. Was it awful? Not really, even though sometimes the purple was excruciating to me. Others like that sort of flowery verbiage. I don’t. And that ending… to say it was corny and simplistic is a massive understatement. But it did have the requisite HEA.
A pile of poo? Perhaps. Steaming? Eh … not so much.
I’d be interested to hear what others think of it.
Diane
A website that reviews romance novels from a couple of smart bitches who will always give it to you straight. No bullshit. No gushing--unless the author really deserves it. To find out more, read all about us or check out our minty-fresh and funkadelic FAQ section.
Everyone has such great ideas and I am having a really hard time settling on just one! The free book is good, instant shower and hair is even better, clean house would be awesome, weight is right there at the…
I want a spell that gets me a free ARC of Dark Magic. I’m meta like that.
password: nearly49—Uh, not for another 14 years, thanks!
Psycheros said on...
Pisafe said on...
Flo said on...
SonomaLass said on...
Malin said on...
KTG said on...
Tina said on...
Suze said on...
Lori said on...
Rosemary said on...
Jessica said on...
Estelle Chauvelin said on...
Chanel19 said on...
Courtney S said on...
Kaffy said on...
Chloe said on...
joanne said on...
karmelrio said on...
ev said on...
LeaF said on...
Elizabeth Wadsworth said on...
Mary Lynn said on...
loonigrrl said on...
Lisandy said on...
Deb Kinnard said on...
Tina C. said on...
novea said on...
Saam said on...
snarkhunter said on...
Anna Clare said on...
Jo said on...
Chrissy said on...
shannon said on...
Anonym2857 said on...
07.17.08 at 11:24 AM |