Smart Bitches Trashy Books | All of the romance, none of the bullshit.

Black knee-socks make me hot.

Reading the cover snark always brightens my Monday.  I get to see these covers in a whole new light and ask myself, “Who knew?” So much bad hair, so much rampant (heh heh) yet confused masculinity.

Is the last one DeSalvo?

Because he’s rather ripped in comparison to future man sporting the armband at the top.

They, are usual, simply horrible. Thanks for the smile.

I am ‘Not Touching the Cat’ *right now* IYKWIM, AITYD.

AAAAA. That last one. Disturbing. Seriously, what is that guy carved out of? I’m saying balsa wood. Any takers?

As far as the third one goes, I’m just relieved it isn’t actually the Mary Stewart novel of the same name, because I was frightened there for a minute.

Thank you, as always, for this slice of scary in my afternoon.

From Claiming the Highlander, by Kinley MacGregor:

but what about their hair blowing in opposite directions, or is that caused by their heavy breathing?

X

heeheehee

That last one looked so familiar that I had to go check...and I was even right.

Sam

Is Touch Not The Cat a gay romance?  Because then that title totally makes sense.  Otherwise…

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAAA!!!

Someone call PETA.  That cat’s been more than touched.  Its mouth has that fake-fierce look so common to bad taxidermy.

Hey, speaking of careers we don’t see much of in romance…

I’m suddenly hearing Yoda.

“Touch not the cat, young Jedi. Embrace the Dark Side you will if touched the cat be.”

First one makes my eyes roll (Kenyon does that to me)

Second one makes my wrist ache. Look how close to the edge his hand is. Dude’s going over. Ouch!!

Third one - I knew a Major in the Guard who kept a picture of his cat on his desk. Sorry that’s what I thought of. :-)

Fourth one, the guys jeans are making me itch. He’s going to get a rash if he doesn’t losen them up some. Do you think they’re getting stuck in his crack?

The last one is too creepy. Who finds that sexy? He makes me want to call for help.

I just saw Colin Firth on TV - sigh

Am I the only person thinking that it really should be Axl Rose (in a white leather jacket, no less) on the cover of the first one?

“Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and...the guys have mullets!”

Seriously, the cover industry desperately needs new photographers (don’t most of these begin with a photograph?).  The poses are gawd awful.

My 2 cents...does bronze man have a wasting disease of the hand?  And what’s with he-men and the wristband jewelry, isn’t that kinda like quiche?

Just finished AWSOME new SF...Nightlife by Rob Thurman, not romance.

Cover models always seem to have smooth chests....why do normal men have hairy bits? Obviously the hair isn’t really necessary!!!

What is the chick in the second cover lying on and why isn’t it killing her back?  And how is he hovering/levitating over her like that?  Looks like he’s trying to do Marine pushups.

I’ll take these ultra-"Romantic" covers anyday over one of those hideous, fucking, cartoon, chick-lit, deformed bitches with shopping bags and martinis covers.

Yes, okay, these covers are a little heavy metal for most of us sexy, minimalist babes - but there is aesthetic merit here - it’s just a bit out of style.

Some sturdy elastic might prevent those slippery-looking gowns from succumbing to gravity. The poor dears must be freezing. Especially in that wind.

While the men evidently have enough muscle to stoke their metabolism and generate the heat they need to run about half-naked, the women are just skin and bone. What with that and the damp night air, no wonder they’re all collapsing with galloping pneumonia. And nary a herbalist clutching a fistful of willow bark in sight, either. It’s enough to make a body weep.

There’s a typo in cover number three. It’s meant to read, “Touch Not the Snake.”

the two-sies poses? every single one has the opposite wind thing - ranging from breeze to storm. Mulletmen and Flowinglocks face one another and all have wind blowing hair back from their faces (no need to fish out spit covered strands when they finally start munching on each other).

Candy must be right. Oh that busy, busy laird o’ the wind.

Is that last one from a Johanna Lindsey book?  Gah, now I have to go search. 

But oh...my poor eyes!

Completely off topic, but Jennifer Crusie posted a new entry yesterday about cover art!  She critiques alot of her own covers and a couple others, very entertaining.

http://jennycrusie.blogspot.com/

HEY!!!!I will have you know I wore a teal dress to my Sr. Prom and I looked SMOKIN’.  Of course I also had mile-high bangs and a poodle perm, but I was quite stylish at the time! No, really I was.

“Go go gadget neck.” Gad, Sarah, I’m dying here.

Paradise City is totally the new couple from Dancing With The Stars. Because no woman from any medieval fair would look that good. C’mon, I’ve seen 40 year old, 200 pound women in chain mail bikinis at those things...suddenly the cat’s starting to look pretty good.

Oh the shame of it… I totally had that Indian Earth bronzer powder.

Yeesh.  I lived in scotland for a year and I know for a FACT that Scotsmen are not that tanned.  Unless it was a sunny day the day before and then one side of them will be BRIGHT red and the other will be icewhite.

But I have to say, it’s all eclipsed by the woman’s futuristic RennFaire-Orgasmed-All-Over-40-Yards-of-Hot-Pink-Satin monstrosity.

Do you mean the guy orgasmed all over it or the girl? In the first picture, it’s kinda hard to tell.

Although the “Future Mega Mullet Man” crack was hilarious (as usual) and sounded like a rejected ‘80s video game character in the same vein as Mario the plumber or Donkey Kong.

And I don’t think she’s wearing blue tights. I think her legs are blue. What’s causing this, I dunno.

The second picture: I’m pretty sure someone else has said it, but it looks as if he’s impressing her with push-ups rather than a “push-in”, if you know what I mean. Is that the stepback to a book or is it a picture that hasn’t had the titles and headings added on it yet?

The third one is fine...except that cat looks PhotoShopped in, never mind that including a cat on the cover of a romance may make many people think it’s a bestiality romance. Also: The guy on that cover almost looks like the one from last Monday’s cover snark who had no shoulders (it was the second cover and it was red, but I forgot the title) and looked like a caveman.

Third one looks like a late-1970’s-early 1980’s prom pic mixed in with some Highlander refs. And if her hair is blowing and it’s probably cold, why doesn’t he have a shirt? Why do men on the covers of romance novels have no shirts? If a woman did the same, it’d be a porno.

The fourth one I recognize from that Longmire website where he changes romance novel covers to make ridiculous, more appropos titles. I think he called this one “The Scarlet Secret” or something, but it implied that the hero’s carpet did not match the drapes.

One of my crit partners has a copy of the Kinley MacGregor book, and she assures me that the neck is even more freakish in person!