Smart Bitches Trashy Books | All of the romance, none of the bullshit.

I have to admit I am not overwhelmingly fond of bald guys (Avery Brooks and Patrick Stewart being notable exceptions).  Of course if my dh loses his hair, he’ll still be a sexy hunk, but in general… nah,I don’t go for bald guys much.

But I really don’t know why the guys on romance novel covers would object to losing the hair on their heads… most of them seem to already have lost it from their chests.

My husband went bald early, so when I started dating him I had a good mental image of what he’d look like now, 35 years later. Sometimes it’s nice not to have surprises down the road.[g]

Seriously, I think in the real world it doesn’t make a huge difference, but on a romance cover it would be startling. I haven’t yet had occasion to write a bald hero into one of my books, but it’s worth considering.  My next guy up looks like a cross between Hagrid and Mel Gibson, so I’m going for “follically challenged” in the opposite direction.

Honestly, I couldn’t care less how much hair or lack there of the hero has.  As long as he doesn’t look like Quasimodo or the guy with the beer belly that almost banged into me in the supermarket the other day, I’m happy.

But, tall, broad shoulders and a handsome face doesn’t hurt.

Why not combine the two - flowing locks around the edge, bald on top, and a totally convincing comb-over to marry the two into a satisfying whole.

What is it about those hairless chests, anyway?

Early baldness runs in my family (and since the gene is transmitted thru the mother, my son better watch out). My uncle and grandfather were both cueballs by forty and my younger brother has been losing hair noticeably since his early twenties.

I have no idea how much hair he’s got left now, (he’s 31) since he deals with it by buzzing what remains really really short all over. Seems to be a good solution—I mean, he’s my brother so I don’t speculate about his sex life (ick) but it hasn’t hurt him in the girlfriend department.

If you’re going for the bald and proud look, you need a good head shape. Michael Stipe, Patrick Stewart, and any of the other attractive bald guys I can think of all have nicely-shaped skulls.

...wow, even for me that was a pointless ramble. Heh.

I think that covers are going to be more resistant to baldness than stories.  So even if there is a hotter than hot Patrick Stewartesque hero in your absolutely wonderful book, I’ll bet he won’t be shown on the cover.

But mainly I’m commenting so I can tell Tara Marie that the first time I read her comment above I saw “the guy with the beer belly that banged me in the supermarket”....rofl.  Had to do a re-read fast.

In real life I’m most attracted to men who have number one haircuts, my own hubby never grows his hair longer than that, yet in romance books, I wouldn’t want the hero to be bald, because it just conjures up images of Dr Evil in the tragic Austin Powers movies. Close- shaven maybe, but bald is definitely a no-no.

I had to re-read Tara Marie’s comment, too. Sometimes I wish I didn’t catch those slips, because everything is most exciting when I’m oblivious to my mistakes.

As for the lack of hair on the hero’s pate, it wouldn’t be a problem for me (but then, hubby and I are in a race to see which of us goes totally bald first.) In the story itself, I’d probably even find it endearing, but I doubt the cover art would look anything like the guy in the book.

Maybe the industry needs some “touch and feel” covers? Like those children’s books with lamb fleece & dog fur. :-) There could be a hank of fiery red coming off the Gabaldonic hero’s head, for instance. 

Or scratch and sniff covers….oooh, maybe we don’t want to go there.  The possibilities are just so appalling.

Long hair: Nice
Bald: Nice (Avery Brooks = gorgeous)
Going Bald and Admitting It: Fine Also
Combovers: Bad and Deserving of Mocking

Hair or no hair - it’s a non-issue. Plenty of sexy guys with no hair. It’s not what’s on their head that matters; it’s what’s in their head (well, and one other thing ....)

I really like Sandy’s idea of the touch & feel covers. And I think the scratch & sniff concept also has merit. If Evanovich’s books had that Ranger Bulgari smell, they would be jumping off the shelves even faster than they are now.

I think it all depends on how they carry it off.  I hate the whole comb over look - HELLO!  We can tell you’re balding, so who are you trying to kid? (Uh…. Mr. Trump?  Please, for the love of GOD stop!) Then there are the guys who go with it, either by just letting it be, cutting it short, or shaving it off.  Frankly I personally know 3 men who decided to shave it all off and I think they’re gorgeous (and if they weren’t married, I’d do something about it ;-) ).  One of my favorites is Arnold Vosloo from “The Mummy”.  Umm umm umm, DE-licious!

I don’t know how well a romance would sell if the guy was bald or balding - especially if he was on the cover.  Part of romance is the whole fantasy aspect and I think that may pose a problem for some people.  Heck, even Vicki Lewis Thompson’s Nerds are pretty good looking and I don’t know any real life hot looking nerds.

It’s all about the fantasy for books, but in real life?  In real life it’s the guy who makes you laugh, the guy that sees past your thunder thighs, the guy that can see you on your worst day and still think you’re beautiful, the man you want to see holding your children.  Bald or balding?  Don’t worry about it.

Gari

Funny, but I think I recently heard that the more testosterone a guy has, the more likely he is to lose his hair. So maybe these guys are testosterone challenged.

I also think guys who shave their heads are sexy. (That much confidence equals big dick?) Oh, and I recently read an erotica with a bald guy. He was a big Native American who shaved his head. Mmm. But I think you chicas are right. The cover would be totally screwed. The headless torso might work.

I think you have to be bald, closely shaved or full head of hair.  No inbetweens, no fake hair and no comb overs.  who are really trying to kid???

I actually don’t like long hair on guys. I like short, all-american short of hair. One of the only romance cover heros that I’ve found remotely hot is “Lord of Fire/Lord of Ice” by Galean Foley. Nice short hair. No semi-mullet.

So I don’t mind balding either, because balding men look better with short hair.

Muscular bald guy on romance cover: I’d think, “Mr. Clean.”

I have dreams about my teeth falling out and my dick falling off. Losing my hair (which is mostly lost anyway) is the least of my worries. Got over it years ago.

Now let’s talk about covers where the guy is a head shorter than his gal!

“I don’t know any real life hot looking nerds.”

Poor Gari!!!!!  You need to come here, I know several. 

“I think you have to be bald, closely shaved or full head of hair.” - I agree with this.  Actually, even with the full head of hair, I want it cut fairly short.  I HATE long hair on men.  hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate it.  All those cover models that I saw photos of from the rom conventions?  Ick ick ick ick and double triple ick.  All I wanted to do was give them a good haircut.  And check the mental status of the women who thought they were hot.

“Long hair: Nice
Bald: Nice (Avery Brooks = gorgeous)
Going Bald and Admitting It: Fine Also
Combovers: Bad and Deserving of Mocking”

Michelle, you have put it perfectly.

Yep, I agree that Patrick Stewart is one sexu bald man. But bald fat men (like George on Seinfeld) really REALLY scare me. Like run-away-screaming scare me.

Fuck, now I’m going to have nightmares.

I gotta go with the hate the combover crowd.  My BIL is almost bald and he cuts what he has left down to a longish stubble.  Much better than the combover.  I like long hair too, but hey, if a guy has a great personality and is a caring person that stuff means nothing.  The longer you are with someone the better looking they get, at least that’s been my experience…

Stephen, you mock the combover/long hair combination, but I had a prof in law school who did just that.  Picture shoulder-length, salt & pepper gray hair, with a combover of corresponding length.  Now imagine hands running through hair and hair flopping back and forth once he got passionate about the Equal Protection Clause.  There was always a huge hank of combover hair straggling down his shoulder.  Thing is, he always had gorgeous women on his arm when I saw him at school or bar functions, I mean gorgeous as in could be a model.  So it apparently didn’t creep everyone out.

Re: Brockmann’s balding hero, this was the first of her Troubleshooter series.  The military man with the head cut off (I don’t think there was any chest hair or man-titty) was on the step back for this book, and a similar one was done on the second book.  They’re being reissued, I wonder what those covers look like.  I think Brockmann had a bald (shaved) black hero in one of her categories, too.  Aside from Brockmann, the only other author I can think of who mentions a receding hairline is Carla Kelly in one of her trads, Mr. Butterworth in Miss Milton Speaks Her Mind, I think.

My personal opinion seems to pretty much match the rest of the board—go short or shave it all you’re balding.  Patrick Stewart.  Avery Brooks.  Bruce Willis with the receding hairline (although I’m not a fan generally). 

Jennifer

Two words—no, make it three:

Jason. Fucking. Statham.

I just about wet my pants every time I see ads for The Transporter 2. I don’t care if the movie’s any good. I don’t. Why? ‘Cause he’s so fucking hot. Bald + sardonic + killer body = HOTTT.

And I second Michael Stipe. Is he gay? ‘Cause dude, he’s hot.

I also had a thing for John Malkovich. He’s started to sag and bag a lot in recent years, but in Dangerous Liaisons and assorted movies in the early 90s? RRROWR.

There are also many, many beyooootiful bald black men. Tyrese and Taye Diggs immediately come to mind, also Michael Jordan.

Outright bald or balding with really, really close-cropped hair (Jason Statham falls into the latter category, actually) can be hot. Combover? Never hot. Never. Neither is the Michael Bolton balding-but-growing-everything-out-freakishly-long look.

Candy, Michael Stipe? Say it aint so!!!!

Heh heh. Apparently Danielle thinks Michael Stipe is pretty attractive, too. Anyway, hell yeah Michael Stipe. Skinny, bald, dorky, and the dude is a pretty damn decent musician. HOT!

I can’t believe no one mentioned Vin Diesel. Who I’m not that crazy about but usually incites lustful comments. I can’t even imagine him with hair!

Ed Harris… yum, sexy bald guy.

And since Nicole brought up the male models at the conventions, I’d take any of the bald men mentioned over the male model (CJ?) with the long blonde hair that looks as though he stuck his finger in one too many sockets. Fried. Many a woman had fantasties about him but they involved mayonnaise and hot oil.

Bald can be sexy too, but I guess it’s harder to describe the heroine running her fingers through the hero’s thick, wavy hair if he’s bald. And then, there goes the word count!

I’d prefer balding to the shoulder-length hair hero I’m always seeing romances. I go to a geeky school so I always think of those CS geeks in superman socks. Some of them can carry the look off, but more often than not…

Angie, that is exactly who I was thinking of!  *shudder*

Doh!  The instant I clicked “Submit”, I thought of other bald guys.  Candy’s already mentioned Jason Statham.  Ben Kingsley. Henry Simmons, who played Detective Jones on NYPD Blue.  He’s not balding, but I think he shaved his head or kept it clipped short. 

:)

a totally convincing comb-over to marry the two into a satisfying whole

Stephen (and all you other men out there): there is no such animal as a “convincing comb-over”.  I’m actually surprised your keyboard didn’t burst into spontaneous flames as you wrote out that sentence (even if it was done with irony) - it’s so completely the reverse of the laws of truth in the universe.  Like everyone else here, I much prefer a man to just go with nature and either clip it short or shave it off.  That seems to display a greater sense of confidence, and hence manliness, for a guy to be up front about his hairline and not make a poor attempt to hide its deficiency. 

And Candy, I so totally agree with you about Jason Statham.  All I can say is Grrr and owlll about that man - he is yummilicious.

I had never really thought about this whole hair issue before…when I was younger I used to think if I could travel back in time, I would only do it if I could take with me a lifetime supply of modern toothbrushes, toothpaste, floss and pain medications (I always figured it would be the worse thing ever to have tooth problems due to cavities, etc).  Now I’m going to have to amend my list and add decent shampoos and conditioners, ‘cause apparently it would be expected that me and my mate would have some long-ass hair.

Blimey, you go away and do a bit of work, and look what happens. Thank you for the compliment, Sarah.

Anyway, by the grace of a good-hair gene (mysteriously symbiotic with the big-a(r)se gene) my family all rejoice in the sort of lushly flowing locks that would make a viking hero gnash his manly teeth in envy. And probably burn our longship. Or his if he were dumb enough. So I never really saw the appeal of bald men myself until meeting last BF, whose crowning glory had migrated south. And then weirdly, I began to find other bald guys attractive, as if I’d suddenly made a connection between this and sexual possibility.

But keeping it all shaved off or buzzed v. short is critical, and shoulders, headshape and cheekbones make all the difference. Perhaps because this keeps guys looking masculine*? Babies are bald too, so other physical traits associated with masculine maturity (but not seniority) might become more important in this case. 

The combover consensus has my vote - having one screams denial. More frightening still is the “Aging-roadie-with-seriously-receding-hairline-grown-into-scraggy-ponytail” effect, which is more of a tortured whine. Yes, my man, the chicks really do dig your wild man of rock look. Honest. Now go very far away.

Off to resign myself to a succession of hat-wearing headless heroes, but for Doug I fear the only hope is one standing on a box.

*The theorist in me insists on covering my own bottom by noting that the term “masculine” here refers to the general stereotype of what constitutes masculine appearance in modern western society and not an absolute notion of what constitutes manliness. It’s shallow, but until gentlemen of my acquaintance encourage me in my ongoing quest to grow a handlebar moustache on the grounds that it’ll make me sexier, I ain’t gonna apologise. But I will apologise for this being a tad long.

PS. Long hair on guys? In that case, they can clean out their own shower plughole.

I love this blog! I love it that you’re bold and brash and use the word “FUCK”. It is probably the word I overuse most and I don’t give a shit. And, I’m glad you brought up this topic of hair. I’m always asking authors or whomever will listen “why do heroines always have long hair?”, I have a fuckin’ awesome bleached blond mohawk and I wanna know why there are no hero’s or heroines with fuckin’ mohawks!? I love a man with a shaved or bald head. But, I don’t care if a guy has long hair or no hair as long as he’s a good FUCK!

A definite receding hairline hottie? Scott Patterson who plays Luke on Gilmore Girls. (Though I admit, I tend zone out sometimes and think, man, I could never get that arch in my eyebrows and his seems NATURAL, so amazing.) From the GG fanboards I’ve seen, none of the show’s many many female fans have considered putting him out to pasture.

Though I do wish the shows’ hairstylists would stop puffing up his hair - we all get it. He has a receding hairline. Thankfully we’ve been spared any sort of combover.

There are some men who I think are just more beautiful when they’re completely bald.  Laurence Fishburne, for example.  That guy is so outrageously hot without hair.

As for Romance cover dudes and heroes, I hate most of the covers, so in a sense it doesn’t matter who they use, since I generally don’t find any of those guys attractive the way they’re rendered.  However, in terms of Romance fantasy guys, I am far more averse to hairy men than to bald or nearly bald men, and solo moustaches disgust me on a very visceral level. 

As for John Malkovich, YES!  With or without hair and/or paunch please.  This became oh so clear to me after seeing “Must Love Dogs,” since I used to must love John Cusack.  IMO, he made that rumpled and just a few hours short of requiring a shower for safety reasons look gut-wrenchingly appealing. But boy did he look rested and fresh in MLD (must be really talented camera and makeup people, right?  RIGHT?  Please?). The best or worst scene depending on your perspective came at the end of the movie. There’s this little “interview” bit, with his character and Diane Lane’s talking about how they met (she looks mighty rested and fresh in this movie, too).  They’re outside, and there’s obviously a fan going to simulate a breeze.  Unfortunately, it’s positioned so that what appeared to be a huge hunk of very long, very stiff, very gunky looking hair going back from Cusack’s forehead is being blown up in one suspiciously-long-and-way-
too-dark-to-be-naturally brown clump.  They definitely needed an eyewash station outside that theater, both for the sight and the weeping that took place afterward.

THANK you, Angie!  I was nodding vigirously over Jason Statham, but thinking, “and where is Vin?”

I think everyone’s listed the key examples. 

In conclusion?  Bald just not a problem.

As long as you shave.

Some of the actors I find the most appealing are sans hair. Jason Stratham and Vinnie Jones (both in the wonderful SNATCH; be still my heart); Ed Harris, Sean Connery, Matthew Mcconaughey, Nicholas Cage—these are all guys who are balding or bald. And why? Because they’ve got too much testosterone.

I, for one, am a fan of testostone. Vive la difference, and all that.

My daughter (who is 16) prefers men who are almost girly pretty (Cillian Murphy, anybody?) but I like a rougher, more masculine look.

In the everyday world, I’d say there are some very hot bald guys.  Patrick Stewart and Vin Diesel definitely come to mind, as does Sean Connery.  And for the receding hairline, Jason Isaacs.  Of course, I think he’s beautiful with a long wig as well.

In real life and on romance covers, I prefer men with long hair.  The longer, the better, so Nicole would definitely classify me in with the mental cases.  :-)

My spouse wore his hair to mid-back until after our first child was born.  He then cut it to above his ears and donated the braid.  He has a head full of thick hair, which at the age of 37 has turned from black to gray.  He’s mentioned; however, that he’s glad it’s turned gray and not turned loose. 

I hate the comb-over and the Michael Bolton look.  If a guy wears it long, he should have a lot of it, else keep it short.

And Darlene, I’d love to know more about your Hagrid/Mel guy!  I used to date a guy ages ago who looked just like Hagrid in the films, so I have a soft spot for the character.

I have no problems with guys with receding hairlines, guys with no hairlines, guys with a full head of hair, and guys with long hair, as long as the hair (or head) is clean, clean, clean. What I cannot abide is what my daughters call a “skullet”:  bald on top, long and flowing in the back.  Ewww.  Too, too Ichabod Crane.

white raven, yes yes yes!!! I LOVE Jason Isaacs. He was so good in The Patriot- “Burn the town? No, no. Burn the church.” Oh, he is yummy!

Ewwwww.  The only way it could be worse would be if the skullet went with a wife-beater shirt and enough back hair to make a gorilla weep in envy.  Excuse me while I go wash my eyes out.

I like me some Bruce Willis with shaved head.

On a book cover?  I will throw out another vote for the headless torso.

You’re all killing me. I’ll run the gambit from hulking Vin to pretty, pretty Cillian (I wouldn’t kick either of them out of bed for eating crackers).

Mmmmmmmmmm. Pretty picture: A Vin and Cillian sandwich . . .

Yes to bald.

Yes to long hair (but not to the dreaded “oldie locks”; the 30-40 something who just can’t admit he’s balding and it’s time to cut those long locks off!).

No to combovers.

No to mullets.

You people have scarred me for life.  This afternoon I was standing in the check-out line at Publix, leafing through People magazine, when behind me steps a hunky guy in a tight t-shirt with just the nicest short stubble around the sides and back of his head.  His wife and baby were with him and all I can think is, “Dude,how would you like to be a romance cover model and break the mold forever?”

But I refrained.  I think the wife would have beaned me with her bag of Huggies.

White Raven:  Not that I’m trying to promote my own books or anything (“She’s a liar, my precious, Darlene is always promoting her own books, trust Smeagol…bad hobbitess….”), but if you go to my website (click on my name), you can read an excerpt from CAPTAIN SINISTER’S LADY, coming out in Jan. 2006. 

I have to admit, and this will date me, that when I used to watch “Bonanza” and all the girls were cooing over Little Joe, I had a soft spot for Hoss, the big galoot who was rough around the edges, not pretty, far from polished, but you knew he’d make some lucky woman a fine husband some day. I always wanted to write a hero like that, so I did.

The Rock! He keeps it way short, showing off that great face (and expressions that make me laugh).

Man, I think I have to leave hubby home when I go see Transporter 2. Too much drool. I find myself day dreaming scenarios to top the oil fight scene… That’s what I want for my birthday, an afternoon alone with Jason (and maybe some popcorn).

Gari’s right though - in the end it’s about the guy himself and not his hair. And I can’t think of a situation where hair sold the book (for me). So it’d be good to mix things up a bit, get rid of the Fabio stereotype.

Mitch Pileggi ... mmm ...

Would I pick up a book with a balding/bald hero on the cover?.....

Definitely!  Apart from all the gorgeous bald hunks you have listed, my first crush was on Yul Briner after seeing King & I when I was younger.

I have always had a thing for a clean head and I don’t mind the ‘horseshoe effect’ as long as it’s kept neat and short - I do not want to see a shiny top plate with long locks hanging around it.

Long haired heros?  Don’t beat me about the head, but I like a long haired hero too.  I like long hair ala Sully in Doctor Quinn or Brad Pitt in Legend of the Falls - ya know one length - can’t be doing with mullets.

I think with most covers it the combo of Hair and Man Titties that is just too much.  Give me one or the other.

I find myself day dreaming scenarios to top the oil fight scene

H:  don’t remember that scene.  I think I’ll need to do some “research” before Transporter 2 comes out to refresh my memory.  Mmmm, research…

fiveandfour: YOU DON’T REMEMBER THE OIL FIGHT SCENE?

Jason Statham, shirtless and covered in oil, sliding all around and kicking mondo bad guy ass in the bus depot.

Just thinking about it… ‘Scuse me, I need a few moments alone….

I had to comment when I noticed that no one has mentioned Christopher Meloni (Elliot Stabler) from Law and Order:SVU.  He is balding, but you barely notice (unless you’ve just watched an early episode where he had a lot more hair) because the man is just SO DAMN SEXY.  Shoulders/arms/chest really do a lot for me, and the man is a former marine, so he has got those in spades.

I like the long hair (all one length of course, no mullets) in movies, like Johnny Depp, or Brad Pitt in Legends of the Fall.

But in real life, ick.

Give me big arms and balding.

Robyn:  Isaacs is eye candy.  Loved him in The Patriot.  He has the sexiest sneer.  But, but - as Hook in Peter Pan, he is drool-worthy.  Yay!  Another Isaacs fan!

Darlene:  Thank you!  I’ll definitely check out the excerpt.  I think a Hagrid type hero is fantastic.

Candy:  That picture of the skullet - my God, I think I’m going to have nightmares for weeks about that.

Ok, maybe you Bitches can help me here. :-)

I want to depict my Picts as correctly as possible and get away from those horrible 19th century paintings. Well, on the stones they are portrayed with shoulder-length hair (yummy) and goatees (so not yummy). I’m really tempted to somehow get rid of the goatee at least for my MC Talorcan and his friend Cailthearn (no funny thoughts here *wiggles finger*), but I’m too much of a historian to do this lightheartedly.

What do you think about beards, goatees or moustaches (I have less problems with these it they are not the oily sort)? Sexy or not sexy?

Candy, maybe you can make this a new post. *puppy look* :-)

Goatees - seriously hot. Especially when they are on the right face.  (like my spouse!)

Oh, Christopher Meloni. DROOOOOOL.

And Raven, I was so embarrassed when I bought Peter Pan for my kids and I spent the whole night slack-jawed and swooning over Captain Hook! That’s one pirate that can kidnap me anytime.

Since I’ve been married many years to a (short) guy who went bald when he was 24, and my sons are both well on their way (and one is just 18! poor baby), I have to agree that bald is beautiful. Jason Statham actually rather reminds me of my fella (when mine was younger and a lifeguard)(He could wear a Speedo. And look good in it.)

But I don’t have a problem with long hair either. DH’s brother is as bald on top as my fella, and when he was in med school, he had no time for haircuts. He once had a patient identify him as “That doctor that looks like Ben Franklin.”

There’s a guy on one of the TLC home make-over shows—“Sparky” on In A Fix—who is incredibly hot, with a balding spot in back. His hair isn’t cut short—mostly for lack of time and interest, I think—but he looks fine. Better than fine.

More testosterone. Definitely.

Jason Statham, shirtless and covered in oil, sliding all around and kicking mondo bad guy ass in the bus depot.

OK, my plans for “research” just went from “someday soon” to “now now now”.  Must go find this movie tonight!

I’d love to read about a bald hero. I suspect that’s a long way off, though. I’d love to be wrong about this.

There are definitely sexy bald men out there. I think it’s more about attitude than about physical appearance, though the latter does help. LOL!