Smart Bitches Trashy Books | All of the romance, none of the bullshit.

What, you don’t recognize a lurking manitou when you see one?

Your opinions of the first cover had me snorting/trying to laugh quietly while failing. In my cube at work. Who knows what the guy in the next cube over thinks I’m doing…

But what is that thing in the third cover? And why is it there? Is this possibly a paranomal romance??

That first cover looks like a Lisa Frank folder I had in third grade, only pervy.

What made me snort out-loud was that I looked at that third cover, thought “What the fuck is THAT thing?” and then read the commentary.  Glad to know the visceral reaction isn’t just me.  But, seriously, what IS it?  Does the story involve some sort of spirit guide thingie or something?  It’s kinda creeping me out, to be honest.

It’s Mothman

Just in with a new prophecy. They’re gonna die. Not just le petit mord, either.

I thought it was a chupacabra.

Wait...I just followed the Mothman link.  I think you’re right!

I used to own that Pam McCutcheon book! It was one of the few American-style romances (that I recognized as such) by an author other than Nora and not a category I could lay my hands on when I was studying abroad in England almost ten years ago.  If I remember correctly, it is paranormal and it wasn’t half bad.  I think I even searched out the sequel when I got back home to the States.

It was the really creepy eyes that clued me in. I just noted that she’s the bestselling author of GOLDEN PROPHECIES. Will her the next title be SAVAGE MOTHMAN LOVE? To be followed by MOTHBALLS OF SPLENDOR?

As a collector of and expert on ugly unicorns, I must say that the specimen set forth in the first cover is STUNNING.  I must find this and track it down for my ugly unicorn collection.

‘Savage Splendor’ looks like the cover art was done solely in magic marker.

And does anyone else watch The Venture Bros.?  I’m pretty sure that thing in the background is one of The Monarch’s costumed henchmen.

I’m not going to be able to sleep at night much less get it on knowing there is a Mothman lurking.  Waiting.  Wanting to either eat my liver or give me a taste of his moth-balls.

Thank God! I kept trying to adjust my computer screen to see if it was out of focus.

Ummm, Sarah, I think you should read the book to see if it’s relevant to the story. Then you can report back on it for us. What with you being the biggest GIVER in the whole world.

As a collector of and expert on ugly unicorns, I must say that the specimen set forth in the first cover is STUNNING.  I must find this and track it down for my ugly unicorn collection.

It’s sad ‘cause his horn is bent.
Does that mean the hero’s horn is not straight either?

I think it’s pretty obvious that’s Wile E. Coyote.

He’s waiting for them to leave so he can try out his A.C.M.E. kayak.

Enchanted Paradise? Oh, deer.

The mothman thing is effing creepy.

And the horses in the Savage book look unhealthy. Someone notify the Humane Society.

“Candy: Presenting: naked mirrored were owl-man voyeur erotica. Who said romance was a stagnant genre?”

Laughed so hard I am literally crying.  Good thing no one else was here to see me lose it!  A bit o’ cover snark is just what I needed today. 

And I have to agree, looks like the Mothman.  Whatever it is, I so want to read this book.  Then again, I’m wondering if there can possibly be an explanation for something that is the pure embodiment of wtf…

My verification:  who24
Even the intronets knows about this owl-thing.  (Laughing again.)

#1) Why do the men on these types of covers look like they are about to upchuck on the lady or are in throes of a seizure?

#2) For a light-skinned Native American of the Slapahoe tribe, he has a amazing hair.  Nice coiffure!

#3) Is that a owl-faced lady lurking in the background?  Don’t fuck there, get the fuck out!

#1 Pinkie Pony says, “My eyes, my eyes!” I’ll never be able to watch My Little Pony the same way again.

#3 Is that a butterfly or an owl with legs? Someone was smoking something.

Savage Splendor: Metrosexual before it was cool

I was curious about the plot of Enchanted Paradise—it seems to have so many dynamic elements—so I looked it up on Amazon:

Child of a warrior woman, Aurora is raised by elves and dryads in the forest. It is here she meets Fayne a magnificient warrior who served a powerful sorceress. He is on a quest to steal the horn of an elderly unicorn traveling to the resting place. Aurora joins his quest to learn her true heritage.

The unicorn is elderly, which I guess explains his droopy horn and what appears to be his little goat beard.

That first cover looks like a Lisa Frank folder I had in third grade, only pervy.

Thanks, Alley. I’d already cleaned up the spilled coffee from the Mothman thingy and just as I took a drink, I read your comment. *koffsnorfle*

#2) For a light-skinned Native American of the Slapahoe tribe, he has a amazing hair.  Nice coiffure!

Tina, he’s not Slapahoe. He’s Slickasaw...or Cherrytree. Or… <.< >.> ...Semenhole.

Thank God I wasn’t drinking when I read Silver’s comments! But I did spit my gum at the monitor. *snerk* Semenhole........... I’m going to be laughing all day over these.

Verification: view51
Looks like something out of Area 51… where do they come up with these wierd creatures??

He is on a quest to steal the horn of an elderly unicorn traveling to the resting place

So the hero is practicing elderhorn abuse? Or abusing his own horn? I’m sure there’s a law against it!

less44 is more, more, more!

That first cover looks like a Lisa Frank folder I had in third grade, only pervy.

ROFLOL!!  I can’t stop laughing over that one~it’s so true!

Ai.  When will I learn to to look at these things in public?  I become that chortling nutjob trying to hold it all in.

“And does anyone else watch The Venture Bros.?  I’m pretty sure that thing in the background is one of The Monarch’s costumed henchmen.”

YES YES YES!!  Thank you Jennifer.  I lost my barely regained composure over 24 hangin’ out in that oh so mystical forest.  (And shouldn’t there be a Brock and Molotov cover?  They’re nearly made for these things...right down to Brock’s unfathomable hair.)

And wow...that Amazon blurb about Enchanted Paradise makes me want to read it for the laugh.

Okay, coming out of lurkdom for that last cover.  You all know who that is!  Sing it with me now: It was a one eyed, one horned flying purple people eate…

Only me?  Okay going back into lurkdom....

Horse 1: Is she wearing taffeta?
Horse 2: *slurp slurp slurp*
Horse 1: And can a feather really be that erect?
Horse 2: *drink drink drink*
Horse 1: Move over. You’re hogging the teal blue waters.

*spews water all over monitor*

Okay, ladies, I insist you do a workshop at RWA wherein you put up covers on an overhead projector and proceed to do a comedy routine.  I’d bet you’d have standing room only!  I’ll even offer up a few of my own covers if you want!

Whatever that thing is… I bet it’s snickering in it’s face feathers.

Pervy Lisa Frank—absolutely perfect description!

These are fabulous, and I hurt from laughing. 

I second the motion that someone should read one, two or all three of these and report (if not actually review).  SB Sarah, having bought them for the snarkable covers, can you resist the interiors??

And does anyone else watch The Venture Bros.?  I’m pretty sure that thing in the background is one of The Monarch’s costumed henchmen.

Oh how much do I love that show? Love Love Love.

My friends and I are already planning a huge “Guild of Calamitous Intent” Halloween party. I so can’t wait . . .

Oh my god, South Park was right. There really is a man-bear-pig creature.

I’d completely forgotten about Lisa Frank. California-rolled acid washed jeans, A-Ha, Jem and the Holograms--those I remember clearly. But now images of pastel ponies on TrapperKeeper folders are all coming back to me. Brilliant.

So have we decided that last one is a menage owl shifter story? Coz there’s gotta be a market for that shit.

So have we decided that last one is a menage owl shifter story? Coz there’s gotta be a market for that shit.

Coming soon from Loose Id.

In Savage Splendor, he has obviously killed her with his huge man hands.

Jem and the Holograms

My litte sister’s favorite cartoon. We were just discussing it at her birthday party last night, LOL! She had all the dolls and everything.

I think the artist in No.3 was asked by the publisher to put something ‘animal-y’ in and they finally cracked. ‘Fuck it,’ they screamed. ‘Fine, I’ll give you an animaly!’

Also, rucked up petticoats are not sexy when they make the woman look like she’s wearing a diaper.

Heap Big Chief Kid’s Department at Target is about as savage as strawberry blancmange. But he’s just a blind. The real love story is between those two snuggling equines.

You know...the creepy manbearpig thing sort of resembles the manpigcreature on one of Poppy Z Brite’s books…

http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/1931081727/qid=1116554300/sr=1-9/ref=sr_1_9/103-6444067-9561468?v=glance&s=books

That thing on Poppy Z’s book looks like a CAT to me--snuggling up to--well, you know…

Heap Big Chief Kid’s Department at Target is about as savage as strawberry blancmange.

Okay, there were many funny comments, but for some reason, this is the one that made me laugh out loud. 

several95 - I don’t know about 95 funny comments, yet.  But we’re working on it.

Dude, the chick from Savage Splendor has WICKED tan lines. It looks like she’s wearing a sweetheart top underneath her dress, but it’s all just cleave!

Also, I think somebody should make a line of pervy Lisa Frank for us 90’s gals. Like Hollywood Bear dressed as a pimp with the Cheerleader Bears for hos. Or the Unicorns in scandalous positions…

I had to get my boss in here to look at those---"yeah, yeah, I’m working on the repor--WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT THING?” kind of tipped her off that I wasn’t working anymore. Meh--it was worth it!

You had me at A giant purple butterfly is nesting beneath my mighty ball sack!.

Hmm...according to the reviews at Amazon Quicksilver is actually a futuristic romance, and the pseudo-Chief is Councilman Eron, from the ruling council of the planet Delphi, who has received a prophesy from his sister that the Terrans (as represented by the psychologist heroine) will destroy their traditional ways.

What?  Don’t look at me like that.  I’m being serious.  There’s also some stuff about girls become psychic when bitten by moncats.  So possibly the thing in the background is a moncat, or someone who’s been bitten by one, or some other random alien thing, or the product of a terribly misguided cover artist who only skimmed the synopsis.  Who knows.

Excited editorial review, with lots of !!!.

Ouch, ouch.  Laughing too hard.

I can’t think of a single other goddamn reason why that diaphanous slip of nothing is staying up

If you look closely, I think his narrow purple tongue is holding up her drapery.

Abusing his horn… Ha.  Ouch.

Jem and the Holograms

My litte sister’s favorite cartoon. We were just discussing it at her birthday party last night, LOL! She had all the dolls and everything.

I had the dolls too.  Even though I was 14.  LOL

Candy: In Enchanted Paradiseshire, gravity’s laws (as well as the laws of foreshortening) are held at bay, because I can’t think of a single other goddamn reason why that diaphanous slip of nothing is staying up.

Extraordinarily heroic nipples.  (Need I say more?)

For the record, I asked my 12-year-old “What the hell is that?” and she said—with no hesitation whatsoever—“It’s a monkey.”

I submit to you that it is a monkey.  Case closed.

Hmm...according to the reviews at Amazon Quicksilver is actually a futuristic romance, and the pseudo-Chief is Councilman Eron, from the ruling council of the planet Delphi, who has received a prophesy from his sister that the Terrans (as represented by the psychologist heroine) will destroy their traditional ways.

Cause nothing says “futuristic” quite like a fringed vest . . . maybe in space no one can tell it’s fringe, cause it floats?

The Paradise cover has Peter Griffin saying in my head:

Hello, and welcome to the Peter Griffin Sideboob Hour. This is where we show you all the partial nudity that you can’t see on TV anymore.

Look at that sideboob. Check out THIS sideboob. What about THAT sideboob? Does that turn you on?

It shouldn’t, because that’s MY sideboob.

The moncats will appeal to animal lovers and fans of science fiction will love the plot!

Moncats? Really? Sounds more like a euphemism for pussy with teeth. Now that’s science fiction.

A well-written tale of romance and sci-fi!!! . . . Kristina Wright—Copyright © 1994-97 Literary Times, Inc. All rights reserved

Um, the science fiction community really gets its knickers in a twist when you label them “sci-fi” (“Sci-fi is for film and television. Books are science fiction.” Or so say the editors of Locus). Combine this with all the exclamation points and I’m stuck wondering if this is an actual review by a legitimate organization.

#1 - He looks as if he’s blowing up his inflatable doll.  The expression on her face adds to the possibility that she’s a blow-up doll.

Omg, this site is dangerous to my health. *cackles with laughter*

Ha!  You think you’ve seen it all, have you?  Behold!  The Old Skool style cover of the upcoming German release of Smuggler’s Bride!

http://ecx.images-amazon.com/images/I/518GHskLfzL._SL500_AA240_.jpg

Because nothing says “Hot Sexxoring in Old Florida” like a killer pink flamingo lurking in the background!

Although in fairness to the publisher, Heyne, I’ll add that the characters do seem dressed appropriately for a Florida summer.

Don’t you people know enough not to drink ANYTHING while reading these posts?? I mean really now....

I was another one who, before reading the comments, looked at the “Quicksilver” cover and automatically thought, “What the fuck is that?”

I love you guys.

Hmm...according to the reviews at Amazon Quicksilver is actually a futuristic romance, and the pseudo-Chief is Councilman Eron, from the ruling council of the planet Delphi, who has received a prophesy from his sister that the Terrans (as represented by the psychologist heroine) will destroy their traditional ways.

I just want all of you to know that my textbook is ranked higher on Amazon than QUICKSILVER. Mind you, I have no MOTHMAN pix in my text, so perhaps that explains the different rankings???

Oh, and when I’m ever79, please don’t boot me off this list!

Ha!  You think you’ve seen it all, have you?  Behold!  The Old Skool style cover of the upcoming German release of Smuggler’s Bride!
http://ecx.images-amazon.com/images/I/518GHskLfzL._SL500_AA240_.jpg
Because nothing says “Hot Sexxoring in Old Florida” like a killer pink flamingo lurking in the background!

And, when I’m in Punta Gorda, FL, I’m ALWAYS on the lookout for the Killer Pink Flamingos. Damn, they are nasty!

Best cover snark since holy bloated pink ponies!  Almost died looking at the were-owl.  OMFG hilarious.

In Savage Splendor, the heroine’s expression is easily explained: she’s comatose due to a Deadly Brain Fart, which he’s nobly pretending not to have noticed.

And, a special offer for Bitchery Members everywhere: coming soon, the SBTB liquid-proof keyboard-cover! Heaven knows we need one!

Ha!  You think you’ve seen it all, have you?  Behold!  The Old Skool style cover of the upcoming German release of Smuggler’s Bride!

Is it just me or does it look like the hero is trying to administer the Heimlich and the flamingo is frantically trying to signal that he’s doing it wrong?

Of course it’s Mothman!  I recognized it the instant I saw it.  I was quite excited thinking I had a lovely animal cover to share–Anne Mather’s “Night of the Bulls”, a Harlequin Presents so old, I doubt if any of you were alive when it was written!  However, upon checking, I was saddened to find that only a herd of horses graces the cover of this gem!  How odd-–Night of the Bulls.  Hmm.  Horses on the cover.  Hmm.  What could be missing?  What is wrong??  (I do remember a scene where the hero shoos away a rogue bull, saving the heroine from a painful goring.) Worse, they are only mundane, ordinary horses.  Not supernatural, fire-snorting, demon-eyed Horses from Hell, galloping passionately, thundering with raging ecstasy!!!!  I’ll take Mothman, thank you, with his (of course it’s male!) mystique of alien sex and deviant genitalia.

It’s one of those cover artist in-joke dare things.  “Bet you can’t get a half-goat, half-butterfly on the cover without anyone noticing.” “Dude, I once gave a chick three arms on a cover and no one cared.  Watch me.”

It’s clearly Mr Tumnus being eaten by a giant butterfly.

And what was Tony Curtis doing modelling for Savage Splendor?  Did he really need the money?

Ha!  You think you’ve seen it all, have you?  Behold!  The Old Skool style cover of the upcoming German release of Smuggler’s Bride

Darlene, is your novel actually a historical?  Because I’m looking at the heroine and thinking 1980’s girl-band video.  We got the beat, we got the beat…
Yeah, we got it!

a special offer for Bitchery Members everywhere: coming soon, the SBTB liquid-proof keyboard-cover! Heaven knows we need one!
Becareful here in NY too. I have lots of them just hiding around the corners of my house and in my garden.

when I’m in Punta Gorda, FL, I’m ALWAYS on the lookout for the Killer Pink Flamingos.

And a self cleaning screen??

Elizabeth W, it is indeed a historical, despite the girl band/back up singer cover look.  Heck, I’m just glad they kept the heroine a brunette and the hero a blond. 

I have to admit, when I first saw it I felt a rush of nostalgia because it was so evocative of the classics from the past!  It’s comforting to know some concepts are timeless, especially strange birds lurking in the background, man-titty and busty babes falling out of their clothes.

Um, the science fiction community really gets its knickers in a twist when you label them “sci-fi”

The science fiction community needs to get the fuck over themselves.

And I say that as fan.

I love you guys.  I mean that.  And when I set my gremlin-bat-beast with hot-chick gams on the world in a snark-sexin frenzy, I’m make sure she leaves you all alone…

For grins and giggles, read the review/ synopsis of Quicksilver on Amazon.  It’ll explain what the Mothman Thingy is and curdle your innards with an overenthusiastic use of exclamation marks! 

http://www.amazon.com/Quicksilver-Futuristic-Romance-Pam-McCutcheon/dp/0505521415/ref=sr_1_3?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1216407077&sr=1-3

Also, this is the follow up to Golden Prophecies.  Sadly Amazon has no cover art to entice the unwary reader.  But the hero’s name is Lancer....

http://www.amazon.com/Golden-Prophecies-Pam-McCutcheon/dp/0505520052/ref=sr_1_9?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1216407588&sr=1-9

Ack.  I think the perky Quicksilver review may be scarier than the mothmanbearpigbutterfly thing lurking in the bushes.

Ooh, a hero named Lancer?  Rwarrr.

I found the cover art to Golden Prophecies here, but as far as I can tell there is no Mothman on the cover. sad day.

If you look closely, I think his narrow purple tongue is holding up her drapery.

Yes! That’s exactly what I was thinking. Or maybe… he was sucking in to get suction on the drapery thing and pull it away from her body so he could see the naked splendor. I’m just sayin’…

Moncats? Really? Sounds more like a euphemism for pussy with teeth. Now that’s science fiction.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Vagina_dentata

I see Enchanted Paradise and picture it as a hidden extension of the Sistine Chapel, maybe hidden in an anteroom or something.
It looks to me like he’s holding up the gauze with his chin.  Perhaps it started to slip and he dove in to protect her modesty.

Well the unicorn’s curve is kinda strange, but so are horses doing a 3-D mind trick to look like they are grazing on her golden tresses.

“We’re crunching your head!  Crunch, Crunch!!”

Was anyone else looking for the carebear hidden somewhere on the first cover?

Now that you mention it, I think I see a little paw on her waist. He’s behind her!

No, seriously, what the fuck is that?!

Haha, that was the very first thing I noticed.  The guy on this cover actually looks incredibly hot, but sadly, some won’t even notice him because they can’t look away from the creepy moth-headed thing in the background.

The guy on this cover actually looks incredibly hot, but sadly, some won’t even notice him because they can’t look away from the creepy moth-headed thing in the background.

There was a guy on the cover???

LOL! Thanks, I needed that!

There was a guy on the cover???

Hahah, I had to go back and look at it again just to be sure!

Nice voyeur