Smart Bitches Trashy Books | All of the romance, none of the bullshit.

Thank you, thank you! I needed a laugh break. :-D

LOL! You know, I had nine million of the old Zebra romances growing up as a teen. It explains my prediliction for pastels, cheap ruffled dresses, and greasy mullets.

(I think I’ve owned every single Zebra that’s popped up on cover mockery, btw. So sad. So grim. So funny.)

Dude, I’m way more interested in why the hell he’s pulled her leg off in that last one.

Also, the black smudges?  Looks like what happened when my Ken Doll had a close encounter with my match-wielding brother.  Just sayin’.

Nothing says sexy like pumpkin breeches. I mean really. Not even Colin Firth and Joseph Finnes made those hot in Shakespeare in Love.

Must be time to go home…I thought the first cover said, “There’s A Conway.” Well, sure - there are lots of them….and I’m sure many of them enjoy sweeeping unconscious women wearing too much eyeliner off their feet.

Oh my god, when I stopped wondering why there was a naked guy on the terrace, I noticed that the woman is obviously using scotch tape as an economy face-lift. Scary.

Hmm, I’d never fully considered the difficulties of portraying chest hair.  Certainly there’s a Photoshop plug-in by now.  Plea to cover artists: I’m not asking for pelts, but I do like to see evidence of testosterone in my heroes.

Uh, get that black-haired Scottish wench a thighmaster!  And what the f are they staring at so intently!  Not each other, and his hold on her leg seems almost absentminded.  Wierd cover!

*boggles* Uhm…ah…ho-kay… *snorfles*

LL, I definitely read the author’s name in the first as “There’s A Conway” too.  I am ashamed to say it took me far longer than it should have to realise it was a name and not like…a series title.

“There’s a Cover: PASSION FOR GLORY”

Or

“There’s a Cover: LUST PASTELS”

Or “There’s a Cover: BENDY HORSE”

The first guy looks as if he’s examining the woman’s ear canal.  And the Scottish Ecstasy couple look bored out of their minds - or maybe that should be stoned out of their minds - on Scottish ecstasy, of course.

Take another look at their pose on the Scottish cover.  As Eeyore noted, what the hell is up with her leg?  Also, if my Spartan-chested lover is grabbing my thigh, I want him to look as if he’s paying attention, dammit.  They both look like they’re trying to see over a fence. 

The background only adds to the WTF.  I suppose the artist should be given some credit for effort - neither of them’s wearing a plaid.

For the first one—does he have a hernia? Seriously, that bulge: Ur doin it wrong.

Yeah, dangrgirl, I wondered about that first guy’s crotch, too.  WTF???  And then there’s the blurb about the “wings of burning desire”—where are the wings?  Is the horse going to go all Pegasus, or what?

If the Scot is wearing pumpkin pants, he is an English lackey.  ‘Nuff said.

There were no naked guys at my garden party.  If there had been, they would have gotten the pretty girls, not the scary ones.

Dangrgrl and Sonomalass: The first guy…I know! I think he has a thigh goiter. She saw it and passed out. Or possibly she passed out when she saw the outfit they put her in. Snow White sleeve bunions and a gypsy scarf around her waist, which seems to be shedding palm fronds.

Is there a way to Photoshop Jerry Seinfeld’s face onto the first guy?  I think that’s the shirt Jerry was wearing in the “Puffy Shirt” episode.

Dillene said:

Is there a way to Photoshop Jerry Seinfeld’s face onto the first guy?  I think that’s the shirt Jerry was wearing in the “Puffy Shirt” episode.

Bwahahahahahahahaaaa! And that’s a marble rye he has stuffed down his pants!

Sound effect for when the first gal’s bosoms pop out of her top:

Spoink! Flubbetta, flubbetta, flubbetta…

In the last pic, I think those are iron filings. She’s just finished moving he magnetic wand over his chest and getting them just so. And take a look at his face. It’s Joey, from Friends!

Okay…is it just me, or does the chick on the second cover look like either:

A) A damn MAN?!?

or…

B) A well used hooker who just got her ass tossed out of a salsa dancing contest?

I hope it’s not just me…

Also in the last one, take a look at her outfit. Fringe, featherlike things sewn at the bottom… She’s dressed for the Edinburgh Pow-wow!

You know, I think that cover is meant to represent what Scots experience when they take Ecstasy.

Jen, it’s not just you. Also, I keep reading the author’s name as Penelope Nerd.

Security word: mans68. As in, that man in the red dress has 68” hips.

She melted beneath his rough touch

Perhaps that’s what is going on with our couple on Scottish Ecstasy? Perhaps the water in the background symbolizes both the melting and the ecstasy? Maybe they’re not looking at each other because they’re embarrassed by the fact that his touch is so acidic it causes melting?  Who knows.

OMG you all are killing me!  Esri Rose…The marble rye in his pants…Good call (that episode was hilarious)!  And the 68” hips - I didn’t even notice it until your post, but boy, you ain’t
lyin’!

On the Scottish Ecstacy it says “she melted under his rough touch”...I think it is more likely she fell down after he ripped her artificial leg off!  And just the term of “pumpkin pants” makes me laugh!

Hilariuous stuff today gals!!!

Whoops! Elizabeth got the drug reference in before me. I’ve been reading too fast again.

Anyone else have the urge to draw little Play, Fast Forward, Reverse symbols on those green buttons in the ‘S’ of scandals?

What the fuck are those black smudges on his chest?

He had trouble washing off all the woad?

What in the world is going on with the woman’s back in the 2nd one?  It looks like she has something crawling under her skin and that can’t be good.

Well, I don’t know how Methos ended up nude in the geranium garden but there’s no way that he’s going to find a normal girl under that frock - either that’s a transvestite or a shotputter, and that’s not a suitable sport for a laydee.

“Drama”? You mean that’s NOT how people dressed in 19th century England? Dammit, why didn’t someone tell me before I went to grad school?!

*snort* *guffaw*
Scottish Ecstacy, and no sign of Ewan McGregor…
and no tartan, thistles or heather… not even a wild Scottish vista in the background. Sheesh, I’m almost wondering if this was cover art stolen from a book called “Mullet Love in a time of Small Pox”.
(She melted beneath his pumpkin pants).

My husband agrees with the Joey from Friends look on Scottish Ecstasy. He took one look at it and said, “How you doin’?”

Holy moley, it is Joey! That leg is so weird.

Guy two is Willem Dafoe!

Guy one has totally miscalculated, not realizing his lady would go dead weight, and is in the process of falling off the horse (look at his balance!). His face reads: “Crap, there goes my back. Oh this ain’t gonna end well…”

Lori said:

What in the world is going on with the woman’s back in the 2nd one?  It looks like she has something crawling under her skin and that can’t be good.

She’s really a Cylon sleeper agent and any moment her spine is going get all glowy red.

Actually, I thought Guy 2 was Mikhail Baryshnikov’s not-so-goodlooking cousin.  And what’s that hanging from his ear?

My spam filter:  middle69—I can think of lots of responses but definitely don’t want to go there.

Dillene asked:

Is there a way to Photoshop Jerry Seinfeld’s face onto the first guy?  I think that’s the shirt Jerry was wearing in the “Puffy Shirt” episode.

Ask and you shall receive: A Passion For Marble Rye

Creating that is the most fun I’ve had all day. :)

Dillene> *gasp* *wheeze* Wow, I laughed so hard I might’ve hurt something!

Susan/DC> First, the ear thing? Didn’t notice it initially, but, ew. I present my extensive Willem Dafoe evidence (aka what a lazy Google Images search brought up):

http://img5.allocine.fr/acmedia/medias/nmedia/18/65/03/82/18823326.jpg

Dangrgirl - That is the funniest damn thing I have seen in a loooooong time! ROFLMFAO!!  Nice work. :)

*face palm!* dangrgirl, not Dillene. *sigh*

Dangrgirl- Thank you, that’s perfect!

*lol* This is one of the most entertaining online blogs!

As for the first cover, I was kind of hoping she was willingly swept off her feet, having dreamt of being taken away from her horribly stuffy tea-cup holding life.

But if the plot is that she’s being abducted, then for goodness sake. . . show a little FIGHT woman! Xena warrior princess is an excellent example of how feisty women can be drop dead sexy.

Ahhhh, cover snarking from the ebay bargain bin! I live for these posts! And kudos to dangrgirl for coming up with the funniest damn thing I’ve seen in ages outside of the original versions of these covers. My hat’s off to you!

dangrgirl said on…
Creating that is the most fun I’ve had all day. :)

Priceless! LMAO! Thank you, thank you!

The large print proclaimeth; the small print explaineth.

1. “A Magnificent Novel of Love and War—On the Wings of Burning Desire, They Soared Beyond Love’s Ecstasy”

See, now this justifies every pose and expression—even the horse’s.

2. “Author of over 7 million books in print!”

This means the popular Ms. Neri can have any shit on her covers she chooses, and people will still buy the books.  So there.

3. “She Melted Beneath His Rough Touch”

And thus is the mystery of the chest smudge solved!  If the Scotsman’s touch can melt a grown woman, it’s certainly hot enough to scorch his own sternum and raise enormous blisters on his abdomen!

Good Lord! Methinks the Scandals girl does some bench presses between china painting and garden walks with nude gentlemen.

actually, to me it looks like the scottish guy is getting moldy…

i thought they hire actual models to base these things on.  does the artist ever get to see these models? 

security word: past24…hmm…past sounds about right…

Good God you guys have me crying here.  I’m laughing so loud I’m actually getting an ab workout.  Thanks, I needed it…more, please!

CANNOT stop laughing…loved the Miss Manners bit…How bout the pant stain right above that “leg goiter” on the first one?  Any suggestions…lol?

Oh my goodness. I know I read that ‘Scandals’. Does it say anything that when I originially read it, the cover was considered a bit risque?

LOL, although after visiting the local bookstore, it seems that some covers have come a long way. Back in the day, those covers would have had the ladies blushing!

The woman in No. 1 seems to have a deformed left hand. The horse seems to have a deformed front left leg.

What is this, A Passion for Plutonium?

‘How much drama do costume portrayals like these cause among those who, you know, do research?’

i’m in a costume design program and i just spent the last four months working at the costume shop for a historical re-enactment site. i even made a puffy shirt!!

strangely, the garish garb on the covers of my romances have never bothered me, even when rife with error. i suspend my disbelief willingly because i am a HUGE FAN of the clinch cover.

Okay…is it just me, or does the chick on the second cover look like either:
A) A damn MAN?!?
or…
B) A well used hooker who just got her ass tossed out of a salsa dancing contest?
I hope it’s not just me…

JenTurner - you are not alone.
New Title: You can leave your gloves on

BTW, partnering Joey on the Scottish cover is Rose McGowan.

Must have been before their TV careers took off…

dangrgirl

OMG. I haven’t laughed this hard in a verra verra long time.

Thank you!

Dangrgrl, YOU ARE THE BEST! I’m blogging that puppy.

Not each other, and his hold on her leg seems almost absentminded.

I thought he was using her knee and leg to protect his manhood once whoever they were looking at got aload of those pumpkin britches he is wearing.

Looked up A Passion for Glory. It first came out in 1986, and was then reissued in hardback (same cover), in 1991, by a different publisher. Looked on Amazon.com, and it sounds great. Fuck it. I bought me a copy. Maybe I’ll make a dust cover with Dangrgrl’s art. :D

Cover 1—has she got a huge utility belt with a ginormous key-ring hanging off it??  Like Bride of Schneider??

Cover 3—man, they’ve gotta get some DNA testing done because they HAVE to be siblings.

werd: audience87   ummm… prolly way more…

Carry on!

I think the first one’s my favorite. We’ve got a demon horse, a swooning or ice skating woman (you choose), and a hero that appears to be falling off his horse.

That definitely says romance to me.

I’ve been away most of the summer and I missed this place! Thanks for the laughs!

I love all these old covers.  I think they are fantastic! I could just laugh for days looking at them.  They are just so wonderfully ridiculous.

Candy!  Titles not chosen made me die laughing.  I would read this book if it were about a drag queen finding lurve amidst scandal ...perhaps I will write it.  (Doesn’t help that I’m up to my eyeballs in 20s and 30s gay social history right now, so I’d like to be writing about it in a non-academic manner.) 

Thank you ladies for a good laugh.

My daughter always calls guys wearing those ‘pumpkin’ pants “M’sieur Poufy Pants”....can’t watch an Elizabeth historical without snickering.