Smart Bitches Trashy Books | All of the romance, none of the bullshit.

Sarah: Is she conscious? Dead? Wearing an ill-fitting prom dress? Is he preparing to drain her into that prominently placed urn?

But wow, that may be a Latino vampire. There is a shortage of minority vampire heroes out there. But this one? He looks so confused I’m not sure he knows what he’s doing. He’s got the costume, and the teeth, and the cape - can’t forget the cape. But his expression - check out the close up of the art - he looks befuddled, like someone gave him the costume but didn’t tell him what to do.

Candy: Homeboy doesn’t look like he’s ready to take a bite out of that neck so much as drool on it. Seriously. This is one vampire whose dentist overdid it with the novocaine at his last root canal.

(C’mon. All those centuries of drinking nothing but blood. Those teeth have to be ghastly.)

Sarah: Here’s my Night Game: sneak up behind this guy and topple him over with one well-placed push to the shoulder blade. Because he is WAY too top-heavy to be real! Seriously, his chest is almost twice as wide as his waistline.

Candy: Because of the way the cover is framed, I TOTALLY thought the chick’s arm was the guy’s at first, and I thought “EEK! GIMP ARM!”

But now I think “EEK! HEADLESS WOMAN!” Because seriously, look at the angle of the arm, and project the height of her shoulder, neck and head. We should see SOME part of her peeping up ‘twixt the shoulders of Gorilla-Boy there, even if it’s just the winsome wisps of feathered bangs. But we don’t. Maybe she’s severely hunchbacked? Or some ninja had sneaked up behind her and TOTALLY BEHEADED HER right before the camera shutter clicked?

Either way, what bliss.

Sarah: The damned. Oh, they sure are. Dude on the right has a very animal-esque snout going on thee. And Nia Peebles? Is that what happened to her?

But really, I fell bad for the dude up front with the man breasts held in place by a Victoria’s Secret underwire camisole. Snout-dude has been mocking him for hours by now.

Candy: Wait: blow-up dolls can be damned?

And my mind wonders: What are they damned to? An eternity of looking like slightly constipated SIMs? Is that, like, the Blow-Up Doll Hellish Fate the Blow-Up Doll preachers use to scare the horny deviants into behaving?

Sarah: This is, obviously, a DVD cover, but it had to be included, for both the poor-fitting vampire teeth and the absolutely bizarre expression.

“Excuse me! I must bite you! With my plastic teeth! I hope they do not fall out!”

Candy: See, what did I say about vampires needing dentists? I love the inset even more than the main picture. The dude has the SAME EXACT EXPRESSION in both.

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