Smart Bitches Trashy Books | All of the romance, none of the bullshit.

I’m confused.  Why is Ellora’s Cave using the exact same bizarre cover art for several books?

It is the same, isn’t it?  Not sure - I’m dragging today.  My dog got me up to let her up & I had trouble going back to sleep.  And yes, I did let her out before we originally went to bed (clarification: our SEPARATE beds.)

Oh, well.  Beats cleaning up dog pee from the carpet.

It’s a series - they are all Halloween themed “quickies”.

Blind Melon?

Ok, I get the Halloween theme - but the exactly same image for different books? As a reader/purchaser, I’d be really confused!

How am I supposed to differentiate these covers? It’s all one giant mantitty with a nipple the size of a Volkswagen.

Smashing pumpkins???

I absolutely refuse to buy Ellora’s Cave books.  I don’t care if the actual text is perfection.  They have to be stopped.

Just say no to pumpkin fucking mimbos with man-titty.

That’s not erotic, it’s frightening!

May I say that two of these I have bought so far have “sucked big pumpkins”?

Um, oh just read along with me…

He would show the river god that he still knew how to worship, that he still knew how to serve. And that he still knew how to make a god beg for satisfaction.

Now that is some humility about your cock sucking abilities there I tell you!

Forget relationships, Jenny’s trick-or-treating the Halloween party for a cock! It’s time she got laid and the swaggering pirate is just the man to capture the bounty between her legs.

*snort* This is why they do not have the coming soon snippets before they post the book I guess.

I don’t get it.  How is it possible they are still making money with those covers and that level of poop?

If they are going to use the same cover model over and over again, could they pick someone a little more tit-ilating ;) than Guido? my apologies to the Italian community, but I have seen much more appealing Italian men than this guy .... he looks like he’d be selling fake Rolex’s on the corner and continually sniffing and wiping his nose on his cuff and saying “hey youse”

Not only are many of the covers the same, but if you look at the covers, they’ve Photoshopped a different face on the same body/pose! (Check out “Nocturnal Obsession” and “Nothing to Fear” as examples.)
While I’ve enjoyed some of their stories, I’d love a few minutes in an alley with their art department.

For some reason “Peter, Peter pumpkin eater” keeps running through my head.  Make it stop!

I’d rather see the pumpkins than pixies or fairies. Micro-mini heroines + regular sized heroes = squick

Hey, swap out a pumpkin for a watermelon, and it could be a picture of my ex boyfriend, the watermelon fucker!

It’s state fair time, so you could probably get your pumpkin pie on a stick…

You almost got it right, lisabea. I believe the covers are some kind of homage to Blind Melon Jefferson, the blues singer turned Vegas lounge lizard, famous for performing shirtless while juggling large fruits and vegetables--most notably, his own.

Do you think these men get together and have Naked Pumpkin-Holding Parties?

“Hey, Bob.”

“What’s up, Joe?”

“Well, I’d rather like some punch, but if I reach for the ladle, I’ll drop my melon.”

“I hear you there, Joe.”

“Check out “Nocturnal Obsession” and “Nothing to Fear” as examples.”

Tell me I’m not the only one to read that as “Nocturnal Emissions”.

Did anybody else read Nocturnal Obsession as Nocturnal Emmission? I know I can’t be the only perverted bitch around here.

Damn, Kes spanked me.

Well, I guess if the rest of your day is spent humping a melon, you’d better have something about yourself to believe in, no?

Thank goodness I’ve learned not to drink anything whilst reading SBTB, else it would be splattered all over my keyboard and monitor now.

Hey, swap out a pumpkin for a watermelon, and it could be a picture of my ex boyfriend, the watermelon fucker!

I’m sorry, Jami, but you can’t leave that out there and not deliver the rest of the story. :)

(My spamblocker is took47, perhaps as in “He took the watermelon with gusto, slamming his hips forward against the rind.")

Y’all are too funny, especially TeddyPig and SB Sarah!

Jami, I too want to hear that story!  Come om, make my weekend.

For some reason, the watermelon thing made me think of the apple pie in American Pie.  Then I started to wonder, is it a common thing with men to use (abuse?) foodstuffs?  Is this like a whole subculture or something?  Is there medication for it?

Obviously I have wayyyy too much time on my hands.

It’s like a Special Halloween Version of SNL’s “Dick In a Box” video.

The best part is when I misread “Hallow’s Eve Hunk” for “Hallow’s Eve Junk”.

These themed quickie covers are better than the non-themed quickie stock covers from which authors get to choose.  No, honestly.  These ones are BETTER.  The first time I saw the quickie cover selection, I snorted and milk almost came through my nose.

My Dick in a pumpkin...lol. I’m trying to figure out lyrics as I type. LOL!

my spaminator word lower94.. snorting coffee through my nose!!!!!

Men and fruit...there was a U-tube that mentioned bannana peels.

I found a cover that’s pretty unbelievable:

http://www.amberquill.com/AmberHeat/EssenceMagic.html

Candy and Sarah: I clicked on the ‘contact us’ tab to email this to you, but it hasn’t worked for me for the last couple of days…

OMFG!!  Anna, that has got to be the most disturbing and unarousing cover I have EVER seen (and let’s face it folks, there have been some doozies on this here blog).

All that dude needs is a can of Bud Light, and the picture of Red Neck come-hither would be complete.  Perhaps is should be entitled “Kissing Cousins”?

...erlack!

I didn’t know Alice Cooper posed for romance novel covers.

“I’m sorry, Jami, but you can’t leave that out there and not deliver the rest of the story.”

Chicklet - here’s how it went down. I was out of town, called him to see what was going on. His reply, “not much. But I just successfully copulated with a watermelon.”
and the funny/even sicker thing was that it wasn’t even his watermelon - it was his roommates. His poor roommate - “Hey man, where’s that watermelon I bought?”
“Oh, sorry dude. I carved a hole into it and fucked the hell out of it. But I think one end is still pretty clean.”

Even sicker? I dated him for like 2 1/2 more years. 

I have another friend whose ex once put an eggplant between the cushions of a couch and humped it. I think guys will stick their dicks anywhere at least once, just to see if it will get them off.

Jami - Thanks.  I think.  I guess better a watermelon than another woman.

Verification word - use28!

This begs for a link.

And, as a guy, I feel I must say that I happen to like my dick and there’s a rather short list of things I’d want to stick it in; produce ain’t on it.

I mean, the mind boggles.  I can’t imagine a watermelon being “snug” (no resiliency at all), they usually aren’t warm, and something as juicy as a watermelon will rinse off just about any amount of lube you use.  Cold, hollow and chafing just don’t do it for me.

“All men?” No.  “All men you date?” How many years did you say you stayed with him after that?  I’m just sayin’…

ok my turn

http://www.ubersite.com/m/32346

Angelina said:

My Dick in a pumpkin...lol. I’m trying to figure out lyrics as I type. LOL!

“It’s my dick in a squash!” Bonus points if you can find a way to use the word gourd.

1. Sweet baby Jesus on a unicorn, Anna, that is one hellaciously bad cover. It’s not-quite topped by the blurb’s description of the hero as “viral and strong.” Although in one sense it’s accurate, as I’m 195% sure I don’t want to know what bacteria, viruses, and/or diseases that guy is carrying around.

2. Jami said:

Even sicker? I dated him for like 2 1/2 more years.

In your defense, Jami, you might have stuck around just to see which resident of the produce aisle caught his eye next. (Side note: Can one be cuckolded by a cantaloupe?) ;)

The first thing I thought of was, “It’s my dick in a melon!”

Interestingly (or not), the ONLY Facebook “gift” I have ever recieved is that box with the hole in it, accompanied by the phrase “It’s my dick in a box!”

I detect a theme.

I confess, one of the pumnpkin-humpers is mine.  (the one holding it at his chest is kinda sexy) I call him Corey.  He has the bland 1980s’ brat-pack reject look that deserves to be named Corey.

I snark about it here:
http://valarltd.livejournal.com/712105.html

And hopefully mine isn’t too awful.  I had to “write stupid,” though. Most readers don’t know about nullification or snake bite kits, so I had to over-write it and explain.

Sample:
There were hazards to being a mid-list horror and thriller author, and one of them was having an imagination that made gore-meister Tom Savini look subtle and Jack the Ripper look like a piker.

What I don’t get is why any man would think that stripping off, sticking his cock into a pumpkin and then attracting his lover’s attention would be an attractive look.

“Hey, let’s see if I can keep this pumpkin aloft if I remove my hands!”

I second the person who wants five minutes in an alley with the art department.  First against the wall come the revolution, brothers.

“It’s my dick in a squash!” Bonus points if you can find a way to use the word gourd.

(with beatboxing in background)
“Into the gourd - all my love I poured!”

That just started running through my head as I was reading through the comments.
*goes off to Javex her brain*