Categories: Go Ahead, Win Some Shit
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by SB Sarah • Thursday, February 14, 2008 at 08:45 AM
Thanks to the 5th U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals, Texans can have their sex toys back. Hooray!
So - a Smart Bitch Contest ahoy! Name that Texas Vibrator! (Doesn’t that sound almost like a Harlequin Presents title?)
Post your entry in the comments. Vote for your favorite, again, in the comments.
Winner shall receive: An Actual Vibrator!
Thanks to Teddy Pig, I have hidden in my china cabinet (no, that’s not a euphemism) a genuine, bonafide adorably pink Hello Kitty “personal massager.”
Whosoever posts the best name for a Texas Vibrator as voted on by the Bitchery shall win their very own “personal massager” - and you can interpret the terms “Texas” and “Vibrator” however you want. If you mention biscuit-lovin’ cowboys, more power to you - hmmmm hah!
I will ship just about anywhere, except the Mir space station (sorry, floating folks), so get creative, no matter where you’re located. Entries and voting begin now, and comments and voting will close tomorrow at 8am Eastern time.
Ready, set, go!
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Categories: Go Ahead, Win Some Shit
Categories: Go Ahead, Win Some Shit
The Texas Long Horn
Because EVERYTHING’S bigger in Texas!!
said on...The Yellin’ Rose… with optional Buckin’ Bronco attachment!
said on...Aw, heck with it. I’ll just post up what popped into my head first…
“Thuh Texas Tornado” - sure does twirl things up some! N’ can be a real devil for busting up m’home, when the husband finds it.
Meh, maybe not?
My second thought was based on general red-nekkidness,
“The Good Ol’ Boy”
Tah, ladies! Looking forward to some hilarity! Bring it on!
Cuz I love me some westerns, I’m going with:
The Ride ‘Em Cowgirl
YeeHaw!
The Tumbleweed Tangler
So help me gawd, I just couldn’t think of anything else after it popped into my head. Angels ‘o mercy, don’t smote me now.
“The Buckaroo”
“The Stampeder”
I’m not so great on the names, but I came up with a couple of catchphrases I liked:
“This will make you forget the Alamo!”
“For the nights when you’re a Lone Star!”
said on...The Texas Poker: You can hold her and squeeze her and call her your own.
said on...Since it’s the official Texas Stone as voted by the Legislature in 1969…
The Texas Petrified Palmwood.
Yvonne said on...I thought of this one first:
“The Strapping Texan”
It has interesting associations.
Then up popped this one:
“The Turgid Texan”
I guess I like alliteration.
“I dearly love the state of Texas, but I consider that a harmless perversion on my part, and discuss it only with consenting adults.” - Molly Ivins
said on...Between the Palmwood and “For the nights when you’re a Lone Star!” I’m going to have abs of steel from all my laughing.
“Top Drive Drillin’ Rig-- Buck Up and Strike Yourself a Wildcat Gusher!”
said on...Southern Comfort?
The Lone Pussy—Take her on for the ride of your life!
(okay, so I suck at these things--sue me!)
spamfoiler: try92—no, not even 92 tries would improve my efforts.
said on...Let’s just call it, “The Alamo...for a night you’ll never forget!”
“Top Drive Drillin’ Rig-- Buck Up and Strike Yourself a Wildcat Gusher!”
can’t…
breathe…
laughing…
said on...Figure I try though I am not all that familiar with Texas lol
For shits and giggles:
Big Booty Thumper
also....
Starry Bullrider (couldn’t resist)
and....
Buckin’ Harder Vib
Also as a oxymoron,
Little Riding Bull Vibrator (what? Size doesn’t really matter much as long as you get off...)
Okay I’ll stop.
Cheers!
The Yee Hah Hoo Hah Happy Hoedown Handheld
The Wild Buck-her-Roo
The Sweet Little Fill-ee
The Big As Tex-ass anal vibe
Wow...this is fun. I’ll keep thinking....
The Whistlin’ Dixie - Because you know you love life south of the Mason-Dixon!
said on...The Texas Blue Bullet?
No, wait!
The Bronco Buzz-ter!
“Saddle up for the ride of your life - and try to last eight seconds!”
(Okay, maybe not.)
Don’t Sex With Texas
The Best Bull
The Brahma Bull
Supper Before Grace
The Big Dog (as in, “Running with the big dogs")
The Yippie-Kay-Yay
How about the “No Delay” Sorry, couldn’t resist political humor.
Ride n fly?
Longhorn-y personal massager?
said on...ROFL - Hard to think when you’re laughing this hard…
How about:
Big Tex
The Lone Ranger
Cowboy UP
The Wild Wild Western
LMAO – This is fun
The Saddle Horn...just get a grip and ride it out!
said on...It will be hard to top the Long Horn but here goes:
The Amar-dildo
The CowPoke
:-)
The Long, Tall Texan—for the woman who likes her biscuits buttered.
Beth said on...How about the Rooter Tooter? On second thought, that sounds like something you’d clean your drain with…
The Full Metal Jacket - For both steers and queers!
(I’ve been trying like hell to make something work with “The Yellow Rose of Texas” but I just can’t do it. So I hand it off to better minds than me.)
said on...So far I’ve got:
The Texarkana Tickler
The Jackrabbit
The Panhandler
And my personal favorite,
The Prairie Home Companion
said on...Cowboy UP--love it! I don’t have any Texas-oriented suggestions, but when I saw the prize all I could think of was Hello Clitty…
said on...How about:
‘The Best Little Dildo in Texas’
Naturally only sold at ‘The Best little Whore House in Texas’.
No? ok, let me see...how about naming it after an actual city in Texas somthing like:
Enis, the Penis
Your ‘personal massager’ for a realistic feel of Texas.
ok - that is all I got.
Do I want to know why Teddy Pig had a Hello Kitty vibrator and why he sent it to you?
There’s something so...wrong and yet so cute about that vibrator.
The Everything’s Bigger in Texas Extra Longhorn
Ok, wait...how did I miss that first comment up there?
It feels like such a Monday to me :-(
said on...The BlueBonnet Buzzer (lupine-shaped for her pleasure!).
The Pink Dome, in honor of our state capital building.
To accompany the above-mentioned Long Horn, the Twelfth Man vibrator, in maroon of course.
The Molly Ivins Memorial Vibrator.
(I want to make a joke about the Wild De-Flower Center, but the ghost of Lady Bird Johnson is going to kick my butt just for thinking that.)
said on...Let’s see…
Bum Steer Anal Vibe (we have The Bum Steer awards here in Texas for football)
The Rattler
The Blue Bonnet cock ring
The Bush Whacker personal shaver
The Down South Padre
Dr. Pecker (since Texas is the birthplace of Dr. Pepper)
The Big Tex (after Big Tex himself, of course)
The Blue Bullet
All I can think of is Texas Red chili, which actually makes me kind of...uncomfortable to think about in conjunction with delicate lady bits! I do like the oil well ideas, though, so I’ll have to come up with something.....
Actually, you could just call it The Texas Pumpjack (a type of oil rig.) That sounds vaguely appropriate. Drive the piston pump into the borehole. Heh, heh, heh.
Ok, that was lame. I’ll go away and think some more.
Oh man, oil talk made me think of
The Big Rig
LMAO at the names coming up here
;)
You guys are making me snort-laugh!
And DianeN: Hello Clitty? What are you trying to do to me?
“Roughneck Roundup”
“Texas Red Hot”
said on...In honor of JFK, may I suggest:
The Magic Bullet
said on...When you no longer have a dancing partner to do the “Boot Scoot Boogie” you need to check out the “Butt Scooch Buddy.”
All My Dildos Live in Texas?
In honor of JFK, may I suggest:
The Magic Bullet
Has my vote! And my second place is Dr. Pecker. :D
How about:
The Texas (Two-Speed) Chain-Driven Massager?
said on...Also to honor the Twelfth Man:
The Aggie-nizor
But they did not do tha for alabama . they still on the books. nothing like the real thang
said on...The Kinky Friedman.
Texas Chainsaw Massager
The Dallas Cowboy:
“3 cheers for you! Rah-Rah-Rah in your cha-cha.”
The 10 Gallon Hat. (It just conjures up a very funny image...)
The Rio Grande del Placer (which, in my sophomore high school Spanish = The Big River of Pleasure)
said on...The Poker Hand. ("Know when to hold ‘em, know when to fold ‘em . . .")
The Astro Glider. (The Astro Dome is in Houston, right? And there’s no such thing as too much lube.)
‘Walk Her’ Texas Ranger. (AA Batteries and Chuck Norris not included.)
The Davy Crotch-It. (Okay, that’s bad, I’m sorry. At least I’m not going for the obvious “coonskin cap” joke. OH SHI--)
The Real Grande. (Like the Rio Grande, except a little less wet.)
The Lone Star Lover. (Self-explanatory.)
And a bonus tagline: Any of these good Southern vibrations will do wonders for your own “Rose of Texas”!
said on...Oh, I’m a just-votin’ and I’m a-lovin’ “The Prairie Home Companion Posted by michelle” LMAO, that name just about says it all!
Hoss.
Says it all.
Do I want to know why Teddy Pig had a Hello Kitty vibrator and why he sent it to you?
It was cute and pink and undermining the morality of women in this country, much like this blog.
How about:
Texas Tingler or Texas Tickler (both with weird sci-fi looking jelly sleeve attachments)
Houston Rocket (this one should be a retro rocket design - you know, red/blue/yellow)
Dallas Cow Toy (this one should be white with black cow spots)
I really have to stop laughing and get back to work!
This is like a sickness--I can’t stop!
The Chimichanga
SEXSW (okay, so that one kinda sucks)
The Willy Nelson--powered by biodiesel (marijuana not included)
The Bigg-i-OH!--out of the ballpark orgasms
The Maverick Dildo--with or without balls
The Red Raider
The Pink Caddy-sold exclusively by Mary Kay
The L. Bangs Johnson (I’m so going to hell for that one)
The Mockingbird Vibe--remembers just the way you like it
“Hello Kitty Takes a Holiday.”
*giggles* This is the funniest contest ever!
Or..."The Amity-Dil Whorer”
Haha, my security word is moral 85.
The Big One
Texas Longhorn
The Buffalo Bill
Yeha!
The Howdy Partner
The Ten Gallon Orgasim
The Wrangler
The Long, Tall Texan—for the woman who likes her biscuits buttered.
Posted by E.D’Trix is the best and a second vote for The Prairie Home Companion
Posted by michelle.
said on...I’m no where near funny enough to come up with a name so I’m just voting -’Prairie Home Companion’, ‘Top Drive Drillin’ Rig - Buck Up and Strike Yourself a Wildcat Gusher!’ and ‘Hello Clitty’ are all hilarious.
If I had to pick a fave… Hmmm, I’m gonna have to go with the Clitty.
said on...Coming from San Antonio, thought I’d chime in…
Fiesta Tex-ass dildo
Big D anal vibe
Down in the Valley dildo
Gullywasher
San Antonio Rosebutt tickler
Save A Horse, Ride A Dildo
Lone Star Lite-up Vibrator
Big Drill Vibe complete with Spindletop
said on...How about “Miss Kitty’s Favorite Bar Stool”? Or “El Dildo Grande”?
‘Hello, Pussy’—
I’m so sorry, but after just that one, my synapses all fried.
fire46—ofmg.
said on...Heh… half my ideas were already taken! But I didn’t see these:
The Black Angus: For more Yee-haw! in your hoo-ha!
The Davey Cock-ette: Remember the Ala-moan!
said on...“The Best Little Vibrator in Texas w/interchangable Chicken or Jackalope tickler”
said on...The Lone Star?
“The Rodeo Rider”
“Ride-A-Cowboy” ... Save a Bull!
“Cowgirl Wrangler”
“The Yeller Rose” ... For a Screaming Orgasm
Per above: “The Real Grande. (Like the Rio Grande, except a little less wet.)”
Man, this one rocks!
said on...I’m trying to think of something witty, yet only one thing is sticking out in my mind. So in honor of the Elloras’s Cave novel, how about The Phallus from Dallas?
(http://www.ellorascave.com/productpage.asp?ISBN=1-84360-525-2 --man, I wish I could take credit for a name like that.)
said on...Buck Norris, Texas Tame-Her
The Houston Hopper
The Austin Ass-ass-in
I know, I know, I’m lame.
“The Amariller Driller”
“The San Antonio Spur”
“The Brownsville Butt Plug” (I’m so wrong)
Phallus from Dallas is taken? How about “The Prick from El Paso” (Now I’m just streching)
said on...I am a very bad lady, and I apologize because vibrators aren’t just for lesbian ladies...but my mind is sticking with
The Dike Spike…
Pump-Well...or Well pump??
South Fork Ranch Rider (o.k., doesn’t make much sense to me either)
Trail Head…
Cowboy Bob....
The Magnum-toy of Texas?
Freedom Fighter...never lose your rights to your orgasm…
Rough Rider...although the thought of Mr. Roosevelt isn’t very romantic
OhMyGodMO…
Filly’s Finale…
Mustang Massager
I like the maverick idea. Loved Hello Clitty.
Again, no insults intended…
Sam
said on...I am casting my vote for:
The Yeller Rose - For a Screamin’ Orgasm.
said on...The Armadildo- The Official Speed Hump of Texas
Okay, the Blue Bonnet Cock Ring has my vote! (With close runners-up No Delay and the Willie Nelson. And yep, someone has to do a sex toy called the Kinky Friedman; obviously it has a little nub sticking out near the top to represent the cigar.)
said on...I vote for prairie home companion. Not as funny, but…
Hook ‘em Horny
Mesquite Mechanical Bull
Krystn
code: series32
How about…
DEEP IN HER HEART OF TEXAS TICKLER?
said on...A variation on a previous entry, as I’ve discovered...But so much more mythic and grandiose, right? King Minos, anyone?
The Long Horn Steer
“Explore a new frontier”
Or…
The Texas Biscuit
“Don’t mess with your clit - massage it!”
said on...How ‘bout “Bush’s Little Dickie?”
said on...I’m just throwing out my votes for The Texas Longhorn and The Prarie Home Companion. *snort*
Oh, what the heck: The Sex Mex. *shrugs*
Security word: staff98. A huh huh huh huh *snort* huh huh huh huh huh *snort* a huh huh huh…
said on...Long & Tall, The Original Texas Dong
“The Oil Striker” (an ejaculating dildo)
“The Saddle Soaper” (a waterproof vibrating bath sponge)
“The Branding Iron” (a vibrator that heats up)
said on...I’m voting for Texas Longhorn, Best Little Dildo in Texas, and Miss Kitty’s Favorite Barstool (very creative!)
Texas Tickler is actually a condom (sold only in Texas I guess)
I vote for the Amariller Driller. I think I knew him. Fond memories.
Roger - as in “you could do with a good rogering”
Jim - the sound a vibrator makes
You might want to check out the song “Vibe On” by Dannii Minogue. I think it’s supposed to be sexy, but I find it funny ;-)
Have a lovely day! :-)
said on...‘Oh Hai kitteh’ - for those I can has cheezburger fans…
Texas is an “awhl” state. The don’t call ‘em pump jacks for nuthin!
I like Miss Clitty...for a cotton picking good time (ok, I’m a farmer’s daughter from Texas.)
said on...I think “Southern Comfort” was hilarious. That gets my vote.
Really wish I could think of a Friday Night Lights joke for the contest, but it’s evading me.
Hook ‘Em High for Buckin’ the Bronco
I have no clue where that came from, I swear.
said on...How about:
The Great American Jackalone--when only a legend will do.
Of course, now I’ll never be able to watch the Pixar short Boundin’ without smirking. Wonder if Bud Luckey would be willing to do the sound effects for the vibrator? He’s got that deep, gravelly voice…
Wow, that’s a disturbing train of thought. Sorry ‘bout that.
For the Hello Kitty vibrator:
http://icanhascheezburger.wordpress.com/files/2008/02/funny-pictures-cat-shirt-sleeve-burrito.jpg
My sentimental favorite is the Longhorn; but I’ll suggest the Texas Ranger, with a flip of the famous catchphrase “One Ranger, one riot.”
The often cited “One Riot, One Ranger” appears to be based on several statements attributed to Captain McDonald by Albert Bigelow Paine in his classic book, Captain Bill McDonald: Texas Ranger. When sent to Dallas to prevent a scheduled prize-fight, McDonald supposedly was greeted at the train station by the city’s anxious mayor, who asked: “Where are the others?”
To that, McDonald is said to have replied, “Hell! ain’t I enough? There’s only one prize-fight!” (Texas Rangers website)
said on...The Texas Tallywacker
The Oily Cowboy
The Jalapeño
The Big Texan Sausage
El Paso Peter
said on...How about the Lone Star Moan Star? It’d be shaped like a badge, and be of the flattened bullet type.
said on...I’ll have to go with a local classic… The Spindletop. It’s a real gusher.
said on...Maybe:
“Hello Kitty Does Dallas”
or just a general one:
“Say Hello to Kitty”
or
“Say Hello to My Kitty”
That’s all I got. :)
Lynn… I love your “Miss Clitty” suggestion!! that’s my favorite one!
said on...“The Oil Striker” (an ejaculating dildo)
Wouldn’t an ejaculating dildo be a regular penis? As for the name, it sounds more like the name of a dildo that’s so long and hard (or a vibrator that’s juiced up [think the Hitachi Magic Wand on steroids]), it’ll make a woman squirt even thinking about it.
“The Saddle Soaper” (a waterproof vibrating bath sponge)
I’d buy that.
“The Branding Iron” (a vibrator that heats up)
Not too much, I hope. This is soft, moist, sensitive tissue we’re talking about.
Anyway, I got two names for a Texas-based sex toy. They may not be as imaginative as the rest of the entries, but I like ‘em.
The XXX Tex-Mex Border Blaster (dildo name)
The Alam-OOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHH!!! (vibrator name)
said on...Lady Bird’s Johnson
said on...Klitty Kitty, the only Texas Instrument you’ll ever need
Klitty Ranger
Kitten Ranger
Kitten Karess
Texas Torpedo
said on...Texxxas Hard-On. Also a title for a porno.
said on...
‘Lady Bird’s Johnson’ is wrong on so many levels. Brilliant.
02.14.08 at 08:56 AM |