Smart Bitches Trashy Books | All of the romance, none of the bullshit.

I toy with the idea of reviewing books for some romance website or other from time to time - you just reminded me why I haven’t yet taken the plunge (because then I would be obligated to finish such books)

Candy’s pain was hopefully subsisted
the bad book she read was so twisted
It was not so much the grammar
or the plot holes for that matter
but the HEA was MIA and that clinched it.

I feel your pain, girl! *double thumping chest with fist* I read a Lora Leigh last week that made we want to rip the horrible pages out then knock on her front door and flutter them wildly when she answered. Maybe her teeth would chatter and shake and subsist.

Go all Zen and try to remember that you aren’t doing this for the Internets or even a stupid-ass pact with Sarah (I’m sure you knew better even as you agreed to it). You’re doing it for your loyal readers because we need to know the TRUTH about Cassie Edwards.

*nation66...’cause I’m proud to be an American, where at least I know I’m free…

Incomprehension of the meaning of a word that the writer did not have to use in the first place is just unforgivable. When this kind of dreck oils its way into publication, sarcastic reviews are deserved. The nastier and more sarcastic the better.

By the way, if you haven’t already mutilated the book, take it back to the bookstore and demand a refund. Bad writing is an acceptable reason for a return. Maybe if enough people return bad books, those authors’ sales figures will go down and their careers will require more effort on their part (like, say, better writing).

*bangs head on desk*

I tried a Rebecca Brandywine once, and it had the same effect on me. I kept it, though, because if I ever want to MSTK3000 something, it will be handy and DAMN, it had Fabio in mukluks on the stepback. Why would I ever want to give something that fabulous up? :-)

Oh, there is much to know about Karen Kay.  I suggest a trip to her web site:  http://www.novels-by-karenkay.com

OMG, that word misuse thing would make me insane. Gaahhh!

I can’t remember what book it was that I read recently where there was a reference to a “grizzly” crime scene and the writer didn’t mean the murders were committed by a bear.

head:::desk
head:::desk
head:::desk

My problem is usually the books that everyone else hates, I love and the books I think are awful other readers are talking about what great something er other they had in the writing style.

Like I notice prose?  Like I care about character development?  Like I can spell?

Anyhow, thanks for taking a bullet for our side ;)

Even my beloved Nora Roberts does this occasionally: she used “demigod” where she she clearly meant “demagogue” consistently in a scene in Seduction in Death - drove me nuts, but she’s such a good writer otherwise I let it go. (but I can’t re-read that book without cringing, nonetheless.)

Aieee.  Sounds like a Cheryl Holt, with a wallbanger sentence on every page!

“Attired solely in a flimsy white robe that was loosely cinched at her waist, one of her breasts was completely exposed, the nipple large and attenuated.”

“What was she doing, skulking and prying, while cogitating as to the genital size of the robust rogue?”

“What would it be worth to her to stave off the future that was winging toward her like a runaway carriage?”

“Westmoreland was the darling of the kingdom, his courage bandied over in every tavern in the land”

“What was she doing, skulking and prying, while cogitating as to the genital size of the robust rogue?”

Oh my.

I’m confused by the Karen Kay website. Each of these books gives the hero the opportunity to save his people. . . Does this mean the hero fails?  Because in the next book there is a new hero trying to save the cursed village. Huh.

I must confess, I misused the word “barratry” in Pirate’s Price.  It refers to a very specific act of damage or embezzlement at sea, where I used it in a description of piracy.

And sometimes what strikes us as author errors while we’re reading can more properly be blamed on publishers who use spellchecking programs or poorly trained copy editors.  Yes, the author is ultimately responsible to the reader, but changes can happen even after an author signs off on a manuscript.

Agree with Darlene here.  Reading that, and the examples some of the other posters noted, my first question was “Why didn’t the copy editor catch this?”

Fabio in mukluks

Oh...my. I went in search of this vision and found not one, but two (!) Brandewyne covers featuring a frozen Fabio.

Strangely, he doesn’t seem to be concerned about frostbite on his chest.

I’m confused by the Karen Kay website. Each of these books gives the hero the opportunity to save his people. . . Does this mean the hero fails?  Because in the next book there is a new hero trying to save the cursed village. Huh?

Me, too. WTF?

And as a Native American I just love the way she calls herself “the authentic American Indian romance author” and then goes on to gush about how Dances with Wolves inspired her. *insert sound of this Oglala barfing*

You’re allergic to alcohol?! GACK!

And sometimes what strikes us as author errors while we’re reading can more properly be blamed on publishers who use spellchecking programs or poorly trained copy editors.

I am more likely to blame editors than authors for errors in final copy, because I view that surface level clarity as within the domain of the editor.  Yes, I understand that editors are often overworked and undervalued, which is why I’ve established a two-hand rule for error discovery.  If I am counting more than 20 errors (one for each finger) in any given book, and I’m talking word misuse, chronic typos, pathologically incorrect punctuation, I’m getting frustrated as a reader.  Notice that I said “discovery,” because I figure if I don’t catch an error, it’s not there for me. And yes, if a book is compelling enough, I will subconsciously overlook errors unless they are clustered or persistent.  Sometimes bad editing makes me more frustrated than bad writing, because editing is something that can be fixed.  And a well-edited book can come across to me as a more strongly written book than it might otherwise seem.

I am more likely to blame editors than authors for errors in final copy, because I view that surface level clarity as within the domain of the editor.

And sometimes the copy editors and just plain bat-shit crazy. Mine changed “tits” (small horses that pull a carriage) to “teats”. *shudder* I assure you that I was NOT writing some kind of pony-girl erotica where “teats” where harnessed up to a carriage. I caught that one before the book went to press, but I cringe at the thought of what I might have missed.

ARRRRRRRRRGH! subsisted????

*shoots self*

It reminds me of one of my serious pet peeves: IRREGARDLESS

Regardless of what you may have heard,
Irregardless is NOT a word.

*chases valium with vodka and goes back to writing*

Back when I had to read certain things for school, I’d set up treats for myself to get through: so many pages/minutes of ugh with a reward of half as many pages/minutes of aaahhhh. 

Like liver with a chocolate chaser.  OK, I just grossed myself out there...moving on.

I think I’ve mentioned this somewhere before (don’t know where), but is it just me or does it seem like there are more errors to discover in books published in, say, the last 10-15 years?  I have a suspicion that the electronic age has changed publishing to inadvertently allow more errors to sneak by instead of fewer.  Maybe, among other things, there is a thought in the back of the mind that spell- and grammar-check will catch errors so there’s a touch less vigilance (and/or the publishing industry is like many others and counts on technology to step in and do the job of people and has therefore cut back on the number of people allowed to perform quality control functions).

Thanks for taking one for the internets, Candy and SB Sarah.  You make it possible for me to avoid a whole lot of ugh and spend my time on a whole lot more of aaahhhh.  I salute you.  Of course, you also make it impossible for me to walk by a display of romance novels at the grocery store, espy the latest crop of covers, and go by without bursting into laughter, causing the shopper trolling behind me to glance sharply in my direction and make a wide berth around me and my cart (or as wide a berth as those aisles allow), then later avoid me and send sympathetic glances towards my family while whispering into someone’s ear when it turns she’s the parent of a child on one of my daughter’s sports teams.

The menfolk in my house know that’s it time to duck when I come upon prose that bad. First I start to mutter, then I start to growl, then it’s time for them to duck as I pitch the offending item into the Salvation Army box. This winter I did the world a favor and actually used the worst book I had ever been unable to finish to start a fire in the wood stove. It was very depressing to have become a book burner, but it really was that bad! I used to pride myself on finishing every book I ever started, but since I’ve started delving into the romance genre I can only finish about 75%, and sometimes even that’s a struggle.
Oh well - I’m off to “subsist” on my couch with something I’ll hopefully love. The menfolk better look out.
Seriously, though, how about about publishing less, and seeking out better writing. Quality over quantity, anyone? It’s no wonder the romance genre has such a laughable reputation.

Irregardless bugs the everlovin’ shit out of me too.  IT IS NOT A WORD.  My spellcheck snags that one--why doesn’t everyone else’s?

In my experience, it depends on the word program you’re using. The spellcheck in Microsoft Word is pretty much useless unless you spend a lot of time clicking “Add to Dictionary.” Open Office is better, but it still doesn’t catch “irregardless” and similar WTFery. A lot of people think that spellcheck is the be-all and the end-all of editing, but in fact, the need for human editors is greater than ever.

Candy, we feel your pain. I prescribe fifty ccs of chocolate, stat!

Spell checks can’t catch syntax errors (my biggie).  Or run-on sentences.  Or really lame phrases.  Or stilted dialogue.  Or just stupid schtuff.

Irregardless of it’s popularity, I really abscond the word “loath” (adjective) used for “loathe” (verb) ;)

I feel a truly Bad Book does more than misuse the occasional word.  A bigger issue with Holt was that nearly every sentence sounded labored.  As if she’d used an auto-thesaurus to swap every 1-syllable word for a 2-syllable word, without regard for flow.  The result isn’t always flat-out wrong, just awkward.

Plot, character, and such-like can make me wallbang a book, but if the language/typos are too painful I won’t get far enough to judge the creative aspects.  An editor told me “It’s the story that matters, not the grammar.” That sounds nice, but… no, it’s too sweeping.  I’ll agree if the author is unpolished but a brilliant storyteller.  But if the text is lackluster, that’s a double whammy: “The editors don’t care enough to make it readable” and “I don’t care enough about the story to put up with it.”

At a minimum I usually expect a published book to be more professional than a first-draft junior-high-school writing project.  So I lose respect for the publisher when I find errors of all kinds.  I don’t say “I can’t believe that got published” because I don’t like what happened in the plot, I say it when the writing and editing are substandard.  If I want to read unedited fiction, I can get that free on the interweb; a publisher that simply puts unedited fiction in print format isn’t adding value IMO.

Double standard disclosure: I like to invent words, I like it when others invent words, I like authors to have a distinctive “voice”, and I do sometimes enjoy fiction that intentionally abuses grammar/spelling/usage conventions.  I.e. if the language is part of the creation, I’ll give it a solid try.

“I like to invent words, I like it when others invent words, I like authors to have a distinctive “voice”, and I do sometimes enjoy fiction that intentionally abuses grammar/spelling/usage conventions.”

Twas brillig, and the slithy toves
Did gyre and gimble in the wabe.
All mimsy were the borogoves,
And the mame raths outgrabe.

fabio in mukluks....omg...bwahwahwahwahwhahwaha!!!!! *choke*

What iffygenia said.  And double-ditto on the invented words.

verification word: specific71

I saw this at the store today after I had read this post. I almost picked it up to see if it really was that bad and how worse it got. Then I saw a book about what is expected to happen in Harry Potter 7 and picked that up instead.

I now must off and look up if my library carries Cassie Edwards. My friends and I have a delightful program where every couple of months she comes from NY and we give each other the worst books we can possibly find. We then proceed to skim them read them or simply guffaw. Ooohhhh! I am excited, and i shall suffer alongside you, Candy and Sarah!

Thanks for the link to Karen Kay’s (call her Kay) site.  She very seriously informs us that, contrary to popular belief, the western movies of the 50s got a lot of stuff WRONG about American Indians.  Oh noes!!  But that’s where I get all my historical information!

Also?  There’s a link to her personal site where you can read all about how Scientology has made her life great.  Seriously.  (No wonder those Indian guys can’t save the cursed village… they’re all full of body thetans!)

You mean Tonto was fake? *gasp*

I think this might qualify as a author website DON’TS.

So far I have counted…

* politics
* religion
* The George W. Bush Blue Boy Magazine centerfold… oh no, that’s my site.

And her new husband has an honest-to-god mullet!  Next she’ll be putting him on a book cover a la Dara Joy or in her advertising, a la LKH.

Teddy Pig, I’d also suggest you add

*Random moments of flipping the fuck out and ranting about how you are an ARTISTE and all your naysayers are evil bitches and/or jealous hags who just don’t understand your ART

to that “Author Don’t"s list, mmmkay?

Oh I thought that’s what I had to do on Karen’s Blog. Dang it, see what you miss when you are not RWA certified.

Back to Karen-call-me-Kay’s website...her Creator only allows one dude per generation to save the village. So why is there a book set in 1834 and one in 1835. That’s a damn short generation! She also has writing tips, but the punctuation on the page is not so correct. There are romance tips, but I’ve been mean enough so I’m not going to comment, irregardless of how “barefoot and in the kitchen” they sound.

Dear Baby Jesus, please don’t tell me she wrote her own website…

“Karen Kay appears to be the physical embodiment of the powerful messages of her books. Looking very much like one of her own heroines—slender, exotic, wearing the flowing dresses she favors with elaborate Indian style jewelry—she moves with grace through every aspect of her life.”

“Wear that negligee he pointed to and laughed about in Sears. “

Sears? Has it come down to Sears? What ever happened the local adult book shop?

Teddypig, I’ve gone through your site and I see no George W. Bush Blue Boy centerfold.

Taybug, that doesn’t sound too different from the author bio I have on my website…

Meet Amelia Elias, mother of sixteen, home health nurse, and author of many stories.  (All right, so all but two of those “kids” either have wings or 4 legs--they’re still her babies.) Amelia is slender, buxom, graceful, plays classical piano, speaks 17 languages, is always immaculately dressed, and is titled nobility on an oilrig off the coast of England.

Amelia, who is not at all prone to exaggeration or flights of fantasy, writes about everything from genies in a bottle, to gods and goddesses, to gorgeous vampires and hot, sexy Fae. Her stories are set in such locations as Olympus, two versions of an alternate Earth, vampire-owned nightclubs, Australia, various business offices… anywhere she can think of, really.  It’s a relief to escape the really, truly crazy place called The Real World.

See?  It’s ALL TRUE, people.  All of it!  ... except for the parts that aren’t, of course.