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by Candy • Friday, June 22, 2007 at 12:53 AM
Sarah: If you get the Publisher’s Marketplace’s ‘Today’s Deals’ email, you learned that Candy and I have a book deal. Or, as we put it, an omgwtfbbqholyshit book deal. To quote the announcement, it was a “nice” deal.
Sounds like my mother in law might have been involved - “Oh, Sarah! That’s so nice!”
Seriously. My blood pressure is already low and I had to put my head between my knees while we were talking to our agent about it. Hell, I have to put my head between my knees when I type words like “our agent.”
So many of you have written about the moment when you got The Call, and yeah. Head spinning? Check. Mouth hanging open? Check. More head spinning? Check. Candy totally did the pee-pee dance for at least an hour. (I do the pee-pee dance pretty much all day so no one noticed the change in my choreography.)
To quote the announcement, we’ll be writing a guide to romance novels, “a funny, somewhat bitchy and adoring look at the world of romance novels, from the authors to the covers to the conferences to the audience around.”
I’ve been rather shy about discussing it as it is in development, but there it is. We’re putting the word “Book” and the word “Deal” in the same sentence, and trying really hard not to pass out.
Candy: Sarah’s covered most of it, but I have this to add: HOLY FUCKING SHITDAMNNING CRAPMONKEYS IN A FUCKBARREL.
Back when Sarah and I asked for questions that we could answer in our About Us sections, one of the questions was “Are you guys going to write a book? Like, SMART BITCHES GUIDE TO ROMANCE NOVELS, vol. 1?”
Back then, we snorted, gave silly answers and moved on.
We really, really didn’t expect anyone to approach us and essentially say “DUDES. WRITE A SMART BITCH BOOK ABOUT ROMANCE NOVELS.”
So yeah, that weird sound you hear? That’d be my brain boggling.
We’re going to write a book. What’s more, we’re going to write a book that in all likelihood will contain the words “shit,” “fuck,” “cunt,” “cock,” “cocksucker,” “motherfucker” and “tits.” Also, “twat.” Not to mention “crapweasels” and “cuntmonkeys.”
This is going to rock.
Sarah: Oooh. Crapweasels. That’s also nice.
weeeeee didlys. That is so awesome guys. Big congrats, and I’ll be first in line to buy it.
All I can say is it’s about freakin’ time. Saw this on PM at 5:30 am and hooted out lout! Can’t wait to read it! Congratulations!
Rocki
Congratulations, ladies!
Time to break out the booze (or fancy grape juice for Sarah) and cel-e-brate!!! Congrats bitches!
Rachel said on...So, would that be a blook?
Congratulations!
Nanna said on...Congratulations!
I will make it my life’s purpose to get it translated to Dutch and wave your smart bitchiness in the faces of the snooty Dutch reviewers (who will only review something when it’s written or translated in Dutch, go figure)!
I AM SO HAPPY FOR YOU!!!!!!!! I have been wondering for a while when this would happen. Both of you are such great writers and so knowledgeable about the genre that it seemed inevitable. Victoria Dahl and I had talked about writing a book like this, but the idea fizzled when we discovered your site. You were already doing what we’d talked about doing, but better. All the Bitches will be buying 10 copies each like you’re a Clay Aiken album. CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR KICK-ASS DEAL!
CONGRATS! I can’t WAAAAIT to see what you ladies write!!!
Congratulations, ladies! I can’t wait to get my hands on it.
OMG, that’s wonderful! Congratulations! I can’t wait to analyze it! ;)
And Rachel, the “blook” thing was the first thing I thought about, too! The lady doth protest too much, methinks! ;)
We were supposed to buy Clay Aiken albums? I was SO not informed.
Congrats, ladies. You make the romance world a better place.
...do consider including a list of all Bitchery peers so that I can see something of mine in print. *sobs*
Congratulations! Definitely looking forward to it!
snarkhunter said on...!!!!!!
That’s awesome! Congratulations!
janice said on...WOW! How cool! Congratulations!
Awesome! Congratulations! I am so happy for you.
Holy Crapweasels, Ladies!
Congrats!
I am speechless with delight! You ladies are beyond the bomb, you are going to be the definitive source for saving us from crapweasel writing!
We were supposed to buy Clay Aiken albums? I was SO not informed.
Good heavens no! That would be so uncool! Remember how the Lecherous Broads for Clay Aiken were buying 10 copies each of his first album when it came out several years ago? It was a JOKE, see. ROFL! *stealthily sliding Clay Aiken album under rug with toe*
MeggieMacGroovie said on...Hell yeah! Congrats the both of you! I will make sure to order it in and force my customers to buy it!
SandyO said on...YAY BITCHES!!!!! Congratulations. It’s going to be awesome!
WoooHOOO!! Huge congrats to both of you--can’t wait to read it!
Lauren said on...YAY!!!!!!!!1
There’ll be a section devoted to ManTitty correct? I mean it’s only right.
I look forward to this book coming out immensely!
Mega-congrats! I can’t wait to read it! My word notification is have67. Yes, I must have this!
Here’s to crapweasels, may they bring you luck!
You’ll Never Eat Lunch in This Town Again!
Oh, wait. Where do you live again? Because, you know, you’ll never eat lunch there again. Or something.
Congrats!
Scotsie said on...Holy crap, congrats!! A Smart Bitch opus of snarkage - with a dash of love. Can’t wait to read it.
Congratulations bitches! I’m so excited for you and for the chance to spread the word of bitchery throughout the land. Huzzah! Mazel tov!
SB Sarah said on...Aw, thank you, y’all. We’re just as excited!
*studiously ignoring Clay Aiken MP3s*
Candy said on...Clay Aiken? CLAY AIKEN? This wounds me.
I was hoping for at least Kelly Clarkson levels of fame. Shit, I’ll even flash my muffin top if it’ll help sales.
Thanks for all the good wishes, m’dears.
Congratulations. :-)
And I’ll bet this solves one or two Christmas present problems. Now, who can I give a copy to?
Oh, wow--congratulations!!!! I can’t wait to get hold of this one! :)
Gwen G said on...Ooh! You’ve made my day! Congrats, ladies. I hope you keep the “Smart Bitches” title. I love it!
Aw, damn. The “how not to write crap” will be official, sitting on the shelf next to Strunk and White, Webster, Roget, and 75,000 Baby Names, mocking me, giving no peace to my comma splices, sentence fragments, and use of italics and (gasp) the occasional ellipsis?
Damn you, Bitches. Damn you.
I will nonetheless purchase multiple copies the moment it is available.
MaryKate said on...Incredible news, ladies!
Once the book is out, there’ll be a bitchery signing, correct?? Cause man I’d love to go to that Q&A session!
This is Fan-Freakin-TASTIC! congrats, bitches!
Congratulations. I saw the announcement in PM last night. It will be a fun read.
bookworm said on...Tequila shots in your honour, Smart Bitches. There’s a spot on my bookshelf waiting patiently to be filled by a book like this. Hope it’s a big, fat one. Good luck.
you gotta fit in “bitchyfucky(whatever) that you got nora roberts to post a few weeks ago. my memory sucks but i remember laughing my ass off. bitchywadfuckypants? bitchyfuckypants?
congrats! i’ll start saving up ! ( but of course i want to win an autographed copy when the time comes)
Well, congratulations! Try not to hit anything if you do decide to pass out. *grin*
Holy shit! That’s *awesome*, guys.
I can’t wait to own this. LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Jen C said on...That is fantastically awesome! Congrats, you guys
Congratulations! I can’t wait to read it.
KristenMary said on...Congratulations! I know I will be buying several copies as gifts. Many people I know need to experience your brillance.
Robin said on...How revolutionary—a funny, entertaining, well-crafted book about Romance novels! It was only a matter of time. Congratulations!!!
Ah, rebyj beat me to it. Fuckheady bitchipants.
But congratufuckinglations. I’m excited as well.
darlynne said on...Covers gone bad, words like “crapweasels,” romance reviews, all in one handy volume. What is not to love about this whole idea? Huge congratulations, SBs.
Now, will your cover be lurid, something tastefully mocked-up with Photoshop? Whatever it is, the words SMART BITCHES will be on the front and I’m buying a copy for every snob person I know.
Acajou said on...Woohoo. Congratulations to the Smartest Bitches Ever!
Becky said on...Fantastic news!
Any hope that the Pepe Le Pew cover will make the cut? Pleaseohpleaseohplease.
If Fabio isn’t on the cover, I’ll be disappointed....
Fabio Mantitty + Fuckheady Bitchipants = best bitchery seller.
Marianne McA said on...I was thinking more Tony than Fabio. Be nice, heal old hurts, that sort of thing…
Can we take bets over who bans it first?
Congratulations.
OK, THIS makes sense! Good news and Congratulations bitches!
Wow! Congratulations, ladies! :)
I think Ms Roberts may hold the copyright for “fuckheady bitchipants”. ;)
I’m still so excited for the Bitches I’m about ready to do the pee pee dance!
But inquiring minds want to know the details. How did you get your agent? How long did this all take? Details, bitches, the bitchery needs details.
Myriantha Fatalis said on...Awesomeness!!! I’m so happy for you, me, and the rest of the Bitchery.
And I thought that the only people who bought Clay Aiken’s albums were 12-year-old girls who think he’s straight.
I never said I BOUGHT his albums. Heaven forbid. They just...wound up in my iTunes folder. Somehow. My computer has very, very poor taste.
Oh, wow! Congratulations!
Congratulations!!!!! That is a book I will buy, broke or not. Way to go, bitches!
You… you… CUNTWEASELS!
(said with utmost admiration and excitement)
dl said on...I want one (or more)!
Beyond awesome...congrats, and good luck!!
That is full of awesome! Congratulations!!
HUGE congratulations, SBs!
Now we have to sit back and wait for your first wrestle with being edited…
I’m betting crapweasel makes the cut. Some of the other options.... hmmmm.
;-) Good luck!
plaatsch said on...Congratulations :) All that time, dedication, and intensive scholarly research are paying off. Well, two out of three ;)
So when will this literary marvel hit the bookstores? Wild guess says next summer?
Congratulations, from a usual lurker! I’ll be first in line at my local bookstore to buy this one!
Woohooo! That’s fantabulous! Big, big congrats from across the big blue sea! I’m sure it’s going to be a most interesting guide to romance fiction (and one that makes the reader snigger and chuckle and laugh out aloud) (a lot!).
My word: quality66—hear, hear! :)
Invisigoth said on...WOOT!! I will so buy that book! At full price!
WOWZA!!! Congrats guys! That’s fabulous news.
[I would have used more exclamation points but I know that can get annoying.]
DS said on...Whoa couldn’t happen to better bitches! I read several blogs but this is the only one I have bookmarked and check every day.
Puredeadthingy said on...Eeee! Well done, you two.
Stephanie said on...Congratulations bitches!!!! Welcome to the fray… I mean publishing.
That’s fantastic!! As so many have said before me: Congratulations, Bitches!! I’ll be buying at least two copies. One for my home and one for prominent display in my office.
Qadesh said on...Wonderful! Congratulations! I’ll be there with bells on to buy a copy.
But am I the only one whose imagination is spinning ahead? I’m seeing the possibilities, a review in the TBR, maybe the LA Times? The first time they read “fuckheady bitchipants” the reviewer will have a damn coronary. And moving futher on, I can see your appearance on the Today show. Matt Lauer trying to keep a straight face and not laugh out loud as he tries not to say “fuckheady bitchipants” or “crapweasels” for that matter.
(Rubs hands with glee.) This is going to be good.
EGS said on...HOLY CRAPWEASELS!!!!! Nice job, Bitches.
Arethusa said on...You know, I was happy and a bit meh when I read this because I thought, how awesome for them a book deal on romance books! But then I wondered if it would have the same give-it-to-the-mantitty approach you have on the blog.
Then I read the last bit. “Cocksucker” and “twat”? I am soooooooooooo there. This is so exciting. Congratulations to you both!
You know I’ll be buying a copy or four (I have a friend or two that need to read your book, if only to reassure them that intelligent, eloquent bitches read romance, dammit.)
And I, too, look forward to someone trying to say “Fuckheady Bitchipants” with a straight face.
CONGRATULATIONS!!
But will there will be a promo airplane to go along? Or perhaps some other origami creation?
;D
My word is looking71 - I’ll definitely be looking for your book!
Congrats.
I’ll buy a copy and hide it from the kids.
Wooooo doggy! This. Is. Gonna. Be. GREAT!
I like Cuntweasel. It works on sooo many levels.
So now I’m totally gonna hit up my publishers publicity dept and see if they’ll send you guys a couple of official ARCs. Because you’re all legit and shit. Daaaamn!
Woohoo! Congratulations, ladies! This is so cool. I can’t wait until it comes out. It’s going to rock!
Sam
Bella said on...AWE. SOME.
i must have me some.
i’m also planning out in my mind who i’m going to call a cuntmonkey....
Big ups, Smarties! Or should I call you Sugartwats?
*reserves space on overcrowded bookshelf for the Smartbitchery*
rachel b said on...Echoes of congratulations!
My vocabulary always expands after viewing this site. I can hardly imagine a whole book of new words that I can incorporate into everyday sentences.
Can I suggest packaging Candy and Sarah bobbleheads with the purchase??
Avrelia said on...Woo-Hoo! Congratulations!
I am already itching to read it :)
MINE. MUST HAVE.
yeyyyyyyyyyy!
Congrats!
Make sure there is ridiculous amounts of man titty on the cover.
And pink, lots of pink. hehe.
Oh, and I guess that means you are no longer disenfranchised.
Whee! *happy dance* This sounds so cool! Congratulations!
Oh, and since one of you is from Oregon, do you think you’ll actually do booksignings here? (hint, hint). Because if you do, I’ll totally show up with a dozen books for you to sign. :D
My verification word is zipper82. Weird.
Dak said on...Dudes! Congratulations!
I’ve lurked here since the beginning (but never commented because am cowardly) but could not resist adding my own personal OMGSWEET. And allow me to say that it was merely a matter of time before this happened. Y’all just kick all kinds of ass. All. Kinds.
(shout out to Candy in my beloved and much missed PDX)
Most excellent news! Congratulations, ladies!
Memo to TBR staff and other literary types: yes, that rumbling you just heard was a precursor to a publishing earthquake that is about to toss all your assumptions and literary ‘tudes upside down and out the window.
Huge congratulations, Candy and Sarah. It couldn’t happen to two smarter bitches, and I really hope you’ll be keeping the ‘Smart Bitches’ in the title.
I would have said I hope to meet you in Dallas, but if you’re going to be writing about conferences, maybe I should watch out :-) (The strange, fish-out-of-water Australian in the corner will be me.)
Wow, huge congratulations from yet another of those aspiring writers out here on the Net. Way to go!
Also, I think “HOLY FUCKING SHITDAMNNING CRAPMONKEYS IN A FUCKBARREL” is the best phrase I’ve heard all day. ^_^
Sweet! Congratulations on bringing bitchery to the bookworld!
Oh my goodness ~ That is sooo fabulous! I’m so excited for you both --- Congratulations!
I’m new around here, but am already hooked. Congratulations. Double Woot! Woot-Woot! I’m already picturing the cover… two manicured hands each dangling a pair of red heels posed to pummel Bill Napoli…
Congratulations!
(Verification word: better24. Yes, the publishing world is becoming a better place for this.)
Jo said on...CONGRATS!!! We want a book tour!!
Excellent, excellent, and long overdue, too.
Hurry up and finish it so we can read it.
Uh, I do critiques if you want to give me a copy early. I’m just saying . . .
WOOohoooo! BIG FAT FUCKING congrats, ladies!
Marci said on...Fanfuckingtastic!!
Congrats, Bitches.
And please, please, please let there be an audiobook too. Just imagining you bitches reading your writings is making me giggle.
Kim said on...Congratulations and I can’t wait to read it!
nina armstrong said on...W00000T!!!!!
Can’t wait for my copy…
Little Miss Spy said on...GOOOD GOOOD GOD! Yippee. I just did a pee dance and I am not even writing a book. I can’t wait to read it. It will guide me through the muddy waters of romancelandia! EXCITED? YES!
jocelynnesimone said on...Marci,
I read yours as… fanfuckingorgiastic! Which I thought was very very good and so right on. Even though I clearly had a little editorial slip there, I am going to second that.
Fanfuckingorgiastic Bitches! Congrats!
will contain the words “shit,” “fuck,” “cunt,” “cock,” “cocksucker,” “motherfucker” and “tits.” Also, “twat.” Not to mention “crapweasels” and “cuntmonkeys.”
Sounds like an instant classic. :) Right up there with America (The Book) by Jon Stewart et al and Stephen Colbert’s soon-to-be-published masterpiece.
If you manage to work in “purple-headed womb ferret,” I will love you two forever.
Anyway, much much MUCH congratulations. Will definitely look for it in the stores when it comes to fruit.
Audrey said on...Congratulations!!! I can hardly wait to have your book in my hands!!!
Big props to the Bitchiz!!!
LOLCats and ManTitty within the hallowed covers of a book? I can’t wait. And I’ll definitely be there if y’all do a tour.
Scoping out my target to call a “cuntmonkey” later on…
melisa said on...Congradulations on the book deal. Been lurking and enjoying this site for a while now. Can’t wait to add this book to my library and give it to my friends who are readers of romance. You have kept kept us from buying truely bad examples of romance land. I bow down to the mantitty chapter.
This is so one for my Christmas stocking. The bad one, full of sugar and bad for you stuff that I buy myself and don’t let anyone else get a near…
Can’t wait!
Congratulations you Smart Bitches!
congratulations!!
So. how much is a mention of an author in your book going to go for? How’s about an ebay set-up? the only questions is auction or store. Auction, definitely--and you know first and last names mentions should start with a higher reserve than just the first name.
crapweasels is so nice is true. Where can I sign up to reseve a copy?
Woo-hoo!!! Congrats! A victory for Smart Bitches (and smart bitches) everywhere!
Major congrats, bitches. It’s about time. Can’t wait for this book. I foresee much strap-hanging cackling on the Metro.
(Large 34? How do they know?)
Holy [BLEEP]!!!!!!!
Congratulations, ladies!!!
Lucy Maddox said on...Holy shit, how excited am I?!
I’m buying this shit the day it hits Amazon, make no mistake.
Shiin said on...Congrats!
Couldn’t happen to a better pair of bitches!
*makes room on her shelf in anticipation*
Are you going to make Sarah and Candy paper airplanes for promo? And can I show up at some autographing event and hassle your respective Hoffs?
Congrats on the totally-not-nice bitchin’ book deal! Yay!!
Holy shit! I don’t check the bitchery for a couple days and miss out on major good news! That’ll teach me.
Well done bitches and many congrats!
ZOMGWTFBBQ??!!
W00t!!
Hurrah for you. If you actually manage to get the word “cuntmonkey” in the book, I’m buying 10 copies to give to my husband’s friends.
I second the above comment - if “cuntmonkeys” is in there, I’m buying several copies. I’ll be happy with “crapmonkeys in a fuckbarrel” or even, yes, the “purple-headed womb ferret”. It’ll be a deep and abiding love.
Nice going!
Congratulations!!!
I’m super excited about this book! I can’t wait!
Josie said on...Congratulations Bitches! That is truly awesome news.
What are the chances of a Cassie Edwards cover quote?
desertwillow said on...Congratulations!!!!
I am so buying this book!
But what about ‘Buttsecks’???
yeah, dessertwillow’s right--and the hershy highway of lurve. Don’t forget that one.
Candy--you doing this book while you’re in law school?
Sarah--you doing this book with a toddler and a baby?
Go, bitches!
Woooo! Feel the love! The warm, sticky, love.... Thanks for the good wishes, everybuddy. We’ll do everything we can to ensure the book Does Not Suck.
Kate: Yeah, Sarah and I are going to work on the book while I’m in law school and she’s taking care of a toddler AND a newborn. We are crazy bitches, is for sure. I’m taking the month of August off--I was planning on making a massive road trip, but now it looks like I’m probably going to be spending it writing my ass off, getting as much done as possible before hitting the grinder that is being a 1L.
Raina_Dayz said on...Congrats that is awesome!
Nora Roberts said on...Back from BIG family trip to excellent news. You are da bitches!
I know I’m the gazillionth person to say this, but a huge Australian congratubloodylations to both of you!
Can’t wait to read this book.
Congratulations!
I’m looking forward to standing at the counter in the bookstore, saying, “Hey, do you have that Smart Bitch book?”
(Verification word: church86. As in, ‘should a church-going lady really use language like that?’ Only when it’s accurate. ;) )
AWESOME! Ya know, I just can’t wait to see the cover of this one!! LOL!!
WTG, ladies...err, bitches!!
How the hell did I miss this post on Friday!
CONGRATULATIONS! Okay, I want to say I TOLD YOU SO! I TOLD YOU SO!
I told you that you two should absolutely write a book, that you had a devoted audience already established, and that you were some of the funniest people around!
I am thrilled and so happy for you! Now you can afford that expensive yuppie diaper service.
oooxxxx
I know Candy has her kinks, but does she really indulge in diapering yuppies?
Cool. And squicky.
shannon said on...one big huge MAN-TITTY TIT-SHIMMY for you bitches...cant wait to go buy it and ask nice and loud… do you happen to have the book “bitches..first name smart”....i needs me some smartbitches....
would love to see a whole chapter on the cassie edwards native american
Chris S. said on...Wonderful news! For you, for us, and for everyone who likes a little content with their reviews.
Go crapweasels!
CONGRATULATIONS! this is going to ROCK!
THANK GOD! A romance reference worth buying!
MollieBee said on...Yay!
Congrats ladies! The pee dance isn’t what it sounds like is it?:/ nvm,don’t wanna know!
I’ll so totally be buying your guys’ book.
Bonnie Newburg said on...I’ve been lurking here from the beginning, but this is just TOO AWESOME! I say we take up a collection to buy an ad for the bus and subway system in Washingtoon DC (typo intentional). Right next to the DCists, if any still survive.
I must be living under a very big rock, because I somehow missed this news until today.
Congratulations! It couldn’t happen to smarter bitches! :)
Serena said on...Congrats! I must beg, if you include “cunt” and “twat”, please also include the only word in a romance guaranteed to send me off into gales of laughter every time… “Quim”. Reading that, in what should, by rights, should be hot and heaven, causes uncontrollable giggles.
I don’t think anything was every so perfectly perfect. wahoo!!! Congrats!!!
Oh, freaking *awesome*. I will definitely be looking forward to it… although I don’t see me taking any more dares (I *did* Image-Google “tubgirl” ---shudder--- and I *still* haven’t recovered).
Don’t forget to include an eBook version as well! ;-)
06.22.07 at 02:25 AM |