Some kind reader sent us several covers from Lady Aibell Press a while back. And by “kind,” I mean “256 different flavors of sadistic, you goddamn bastard.” I would’ve forgotten about the existence of these covers, but a hard drive clean-up turned them up, and like the generous bitch that I am, I’m sharing the pain with you.
Candy: How To Turn into an Angel in Three Easy Steps:
1. Buy a bad Rick James wig.
2. Fold giant paper fans and staple to your back.
3. Run around shirtless while looking creepily smug.
Sarah: My concept of guardian angel does not at all include Scott Baio with a greasy, stringy mullet and wings made of kilos of cocaine. I struggle to think whose angel that might be. Maybe Lindsey Lohan’s.
Candy: “Eep, opp, ork, ah ah"--that means “I’ll have dirty anal sex with both of you using my unnaturally huge toes in the back of your brother’s broken-down 1979 Cutlass while warping the aspect ratio of reality.”
Sarah: now that’s a whole new fetish subset I’d never considered: Empty Head Women With Giant Bunion Feet—Plus Bonus Alien.
Candy: Darlin’, if you knew how to position your mouth correctly, you wouldn’t have to dislocate your jaw every time you tried to give a blowjob. Seriously, going down on a dude works so much better when you’re actually within proximity of his dick, know what I mean?
I mean, the judge doesn’t exactly look impressed. And check out your boyfriend, there. He’s all “Eh, what can I do? The blowjobs are terrible, but let’s be honest here, with a face like mine, I’m lucky to be getting any kind of trim at all.”
Sarah: According to the American Legion flag code, “The flag should never be fastened, displayed, used, or stored in such a manner as to permit it to be easily torn, soiled, or damaged in any way.”
By placing the flag on a book with a woman too dumb to know where a penis is located and two smarmy men with a penchant for too much toupee glue, this cover has done more to damage and soil the flag and the international reputation of the USA than any international affair of the last 25 years.
Too bad the American Legion doesn’t directly specialize in the asskicking of those who desecrate the American flag by placing it on horrific covers. The only thing worse would be alien feet.
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This is deep WTF territory. I’m stunned, flabbergasted and confused by these covers (and their truly terrible use of photoshop).
Oh, God. I honestly didn’t believe that last one could have anything to do with sex or romance. I had to go check it out. The “hero’s” name is Elmo Thudpucker. I kid you not. It’s a comedy. A sexy comedy.
There’s another book on the site called Humper County Vampires.
Ok, these outcreep anything previous on any thread.
I mean, eeewwwwwwwww!
Wait,
for something to be a ‘sexy comedy’ shouldn’t there be something sexy?
*crying*
Oh man, this was just the worst day ever until Right This Second.
*snort*
For an intense aesthetic whiplash experience, look these covers over again. Then look at the final paperback cover for Crusie et al’s The Unfortunate Miss Fortunes.
warning: do not attempt this maneuver in the reverse order. Severe nausea and depression may result.
Isn’t the non-judge guy in the last one a member of the Adamms Family? The son? His name escapes me now.
Good lord! Gomez Addams and Pugsley.
I’m gonna have nightmares now.
MaryKate, I think he looks like Oliver Platt, myself.
The Adams boy’s name was Pugsley.
Doesn’t “Oklahoma Space Odyssey” sound something like the “aliens at the Holiday Inn, Paramus” story from Dr. Venkman’s bad talk show in Ghostbusters 2? Or is that too obscure?
My first thought was Jack Nicholas in the Shining, but I can see what you mean about Pugsley.
::wiping eyes::
I really, really needed that today. And my first thought on the third cover was Oliver Platt.
Thanks bitches!
When Candy first sent me those covers, I put my hands on my stomach reflexively to cover Baba O’Riley’s eyes.
I seriously thought that the chick on the left of the alien was Christina Applegate at first glance. With HUGE feet.
Seriously - who thought these covers were a good idea???
Awww! Those are somebody’s children you’re making fun of.
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BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
None of these people look right. I can’t tell if they are real of just a bad case of photoshop. The wings look like paper plates.
It should be a CRIME to misuse Photoshop this way. Specifically, a felony. Write your state legislators, Congressmen, and Senators.
But must admit - ROFL. I laughed so hard one of my dogs got scared and ran out the dog door.
I’m at a convention with a bunch of lawyers. Surely I can find a litigator who’ll agree that I’ve been severely traumatized by viewing these covers and can sue for damages.
I must admit...every time you guys run one of these cover columns I laugh my fricking butt off…
*all the while secretly relieved that it’s not MY cover being snarked*
and by the way, how in the heck do THEY know that aliens only have TWO toes????hmmmmmmmmm?????
Holy CRAP! Lady Aibell it is a real publisher.
With a romance/erotica category called Hillbilly Heaven!
Oh this is sad and yet so so so funny.
Oops no Hillbilly Haven!
Oh my, in the Gay section a book title “A Cup of Joe” right there next to “Elfmeet"… This is better than Walmart on a Saturday night!
Oh my god, you mean there’s a genre’ for Hillbilly Erotica?
Lil Abner and Stooptify’n Jones wasn’t enough!!?!
I think we’ve found the Dollar General Store of Erotcia.
Okay, I’m an Okie. I know we’re kinda weird sometimes, maybe even eccentric red necks. Heck, maybe even Hillbillies. But I swear, I never met anyone with freaky-ass-mutant-hammer-toe-feet; however, there is this weird alien obsession that pops up now and again. *shakes head* So I guess there’s some truth in advertising.
ok, so being the masochistic bitch that i am, i had to go check out Humper County Vampires. my only thought: are you SHITTING ME???
=====
Vlad and Wilbur, two vampires from “the old country” end up at a harvest festival in Humper, Oklahoma. They lose their teeth in a fight, learn to drink 190 proof corn whiskey and have sex with with all the willing females in Humper County.
Wilbur went to Oklahoma City and opened a blood bank, but Vlad stayed behind and did his best to leave a smile on every woman’s face and drink Humper County dry. What more could a down home countrified vampire want out of life?
You know, this goes beyond Dollar Store of e-pubs. This is back country truck stop material. The kind of place Britney walks into barefoot to use the john.
“What more could a down home countrified vampire want out of life?”
If there is a god he gets a country fried steak in the heart… with extra gravy!
The White Trash Vampires of Humper County.
Who wudda thunk it?
Ok, who owns this site Billie Joe MacAllister?
Ok, who owns this site Billie Joe MacAllister?
Good one, Teddy. MacAllister is a nice, common Okie last name.
Victoria and Bella are hurting me. *can’t stop laughing* Man this is sooo fricken wrong.
Vampires in Hicks ville . . . all I can think of is my friend Jess’s take on basement dwelling Satan worshipers, “He’s the King of the Night, the Big Bad, Lucifer, the Shining One. He can have any woman he wants. He can spend eternity tempting the powerful and corrupting world leaders, but instead he hangs out with some low-IQ loser who’s never left his mother’s basement? Yeah, right.”
Out of all the covers you’ve snarked since you started this website, these are the absolute worst. You should give this publisher some kind of award…
Didn’t Billy Joe die jumping off that bridge?
I really just don’t get how anyone - let alone people aiming to run a publishing business - can think that these covers are anywhere near presentable.
Maybe I’m becoming a cranky old bitch, (and it is morning, so that’s not helping), but in all honesty, these are totally, totally awful.
Maybe I just don’t get some sort of twisted humor, ‘cos my funny cell isn’t awake yet. Maybe they’re satirical. Or a brilliant visual word-play. Or something.
Or maybe they’re just really, really bad.
i second the nom for worst ever covers..
there have been BAD, but jeeezus...my mouth came open and i was speechless with the horny 2 toed alien...i mean , C’MON!!!!!????!!!!
i wonder if there are chat rooms with horny earth bitches in heat for 2 toed 3 eyed GREEN aliens...
ow ow ow ow.
All in favor of worst publisher’s covers?
(And that dubious distinction is pretty significant considering the trash you’ve highlighted over the years. Changeling? Second best, baby!)
Changeling Press just has a severe Poser addiction so their problem is mostly technology based with some exceptions.
Now Dork… I mean Torquere Press is in this league of ugly.
You know, this almost… almost makes one nostalgic for Ben’s Wildflower.
Photoshop-abuse should be a crime!
(But I do so enjoy the snark.)
I just don’t get it. It makes me ponder what Dear Judge is even about?? And why is Jack Black sneering at me?? And how did the “artist” for Oaklahoma Space Odyssey think that was a good use of perspective.?Oh, and why does the angel have a different skin tone on his head than on his mantitty?? I don’t know how to use Photoshop but I’m willing to bet I could do better. Heck, my 7 month old could do better hitting random key strokes. My head hurts just pondering these things. Its time for a beer.
This begs the question...is hammer toe love better than camel toe love?
Speaking of Scott Baio (cuz you did), have you seen that he’s got a reality show coming out on VH1? It’s called 45 and still single. I almost laughed my butt off while watching the promo. He goes to counseling to find out why he’s never married & is told he’s got to speak to ALL of his ex-girlfriends.
The best part? One of the promos shows him talking to an ex & she says “I got my first AIDs test because of you.” What kind of sick & twisted thing is this? Just thought I’d ask…
Also...those covers? Very disturbing?
You know, I look at that angel, and all I can think is “My hed is pastede on yay!”
(Is this totally obscure, or are others familiar with the wank that broke the internets a few years back?)
Also, why does the alien have a mini pig snout? Why not just eliminated the nose? Why insult pigs in that manner?
All things considered, my two covers with Lady Aibell turned out really nice. But the artist who did them isn’t working for that publisher anymore.
The non-judge guy looks like the weird love-child of Vincent d’Onofrio, Oliver Platt, and Jack Black.
The covers make want to shriek about professionalism, pride, and propriety.
::shriek::
“You should give this publisher some kind of award…”
A Smart Bitches Hee-Haw Salute To Bad Cover Art? Salute!
Are his wings made of… coffee filters?
Okay, just to make sure I’m not, like, horribly ignorant, here: Book covers are supposed to entice me to read the book, right? Because these are making me ill, and I don’t think that’s the intended effect.
My spamblock word is range69, I kid you not. Perhaps it’s part of Oklahoma Space Odyssey?
You know, I look at that angel, and all I can think is “My hed is pastede on yay!”
(Is this totally obscure, or are others familiar with the wank that broke the internets a few years back?)
Ah, snarkhunter, you’re a veteran of internet fandom, I see. I’ve since appropriated this for the beginnings of knitting projects: “My stitches are castede on yay!”
(Casting my memory back to circa 2002: It was a photomanipulation of Dominic Monaghan that started the frenzy, right?)
...
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...
Hmmmmm.
Wtf?
I think that is all I can say. I have no idea how anyone would look at the covers (or the blurbs) and say, I need to read this!
I think that contributor would have been me.
Here is the “my hed iz pastede on yay” thread from the Crystalwank post over at Fandom_wank:
http://www.journalfen.net/community/fandom_wank/374922.html?thread=23969674
Holy crap! Call VH1 these are the WORST covers EVER!!! I had to check my daughter’s closet because those wings looked exactly like the ones I built from paper mache for her pageant. Hers were prettier cuz they were pink…
A gay gym rat with home-made waxed paper wings. A manage with two pied-deformed hos and a three-eyed, hammer-toed alien on a bed of toxic blue goo.
These could be fascinating stories of the human (and non) condition.
But I believe the last is actually an episode from WORST COURTROOM DISASTERS hosted by Jack Black’s evil twin. The blonde doesn’t give the judge a bj. She Bobbit’s him with her teeth.
Catch it in reruns on Fox.
...And yet I look at the covers and think, I need to read those! Like, right now. Too amazingly crazy to pass up! Love the blog, you bitches. Just found you now. Check mine out for something different, but related by way of the bitch: http://www.literaryrejectionsondisplay.blogspot.com
Chicklet, I’ve been around internet fandom so long that I’ve long since passed “bitter old fic queen” status. Long enough, anyway, that Crystalwank seems like it happened last week, instead of several years back.
You know, I really think the chick on the left in the alien cover has a broken neck. So now it’s a necrophiliac hammer-toed alien three-way.
Well, that’s it. I’m buying The Gold-Plated Garbage Truck right now.
You know what this is? It’s The Weekly World News of erotica. Home of bad Photoshop and so-horrible-it’s-fun.
Every time I pass the Weekly World News and see that “Lady gives birth to alien baby” story, I just want to buy a copy for the sheer giggles of it. (I will resist the temptation here, although… one of us has just got to get our hands a Lady Aibell book and share!)
I guess they don’t want to get anyone’s hopes up with the covers. What you see is what you get.
Do you think they are all (writer, editor, artist) the same author with different pen names?
NOTE: their logo is “Where fantasies are in the palm of your hand...” Were they purposefully that subtle?
They trademarked a reference to masturbation?
Where your fantasies are in the palm of your hand! TM
Teddy Pig, I think you meant TMI.
pardon me-and i don’t want anyone stalking me i do own a gun but(t) doesn"t the blonde on the DEAR JUDGE cover look like Ann(e) Colter????nuf said
Here is the “my hed iz pastede on yay” thread from the Crystalwank post over at Fandom_wank:
Thanks, gehayi! I’d forgotten how that phrase took over livejournal in the days (hours?) after that post. It still makes me laugh like a loon. MY HED IZ PASTEDE ON YAY. *falls over laughing*
Open, did it ever occur to you that an author who has a book with LA might be reading your post? My covers turned out decent, and my books aren’t so horrible that the publisher didn’t want to “get anyone’s hopes up.” In fact, if Candy and Sarah want to read or snark them, they’re more than welcome to do so.
All I know is I want Candy to interview the author who wrote
Humper County Vampires
No one can ever make fun of Changeling’s covers again, that’s all I’m saying.
By all that is unholy…
I think I’m going blind.
And having visions of green puddy dudes with giant feet and leering guys in black robes.
Am I the only one who noticed that the angel’s pants are on wrong? I mean there’s so much else going on in that cover, but… look at his pants. They’re not right! I don’t pants slant at that angle. It’s very disturbing.
Or maybe he’s a crooked angel with a crooked pelvis and a crooked peen.
... wow, Ann, you’re right. Angel dude’s going for that “rapper-style, boxers hangin’ out of the pants” look, but he forgot the boxers.
Has anyone else noticed the Neanderthal-esque line of the “Guardian Angel” chick’s jaw? It’s like her face is normal from the forehead down to the eyes, and everything below was wrecked by Photoshop’s “distort” feature.
Then again, maybe she’s just having an allergic reaction to the flowers.
Although truthfully, I am seriously jealous of her bangs. Why can no one ever cut mine to hang like that? Even, straight, not too thick, and right at the brow-line. Why can no stylist manage this? Is it really that fucking hard, for the love of crooked angel-pants??? I think I need to print this out and take it to the salon next time.
Of course, I’ll have to cut out most of the picture. It wouldn’t be good for my stylist to be laughing hysterically while holding sharp scissors near my face. I’d probably end up with uneven, too-short, fucked-up bangs that… that… that look like what I’ve got now, damn it.
I need to get me some photo-shop. Those artists are obviously having fun *snerk*
At least now we know why Billie Joe MacAlister jumped off the Tallahatchie Bridge.
Oh God!Please, please bring to life the International Eye Bleach Award! The IEBA could be an annual thing, where we can vote for the most offending publisher, and their award could be being shamed all over the net. Pretty please?
L.E. Bryce, you are right. I was being prematurely snarky. As a writer, I would hope that readers would judge my work on its own merit, and not (as the saying goes) by the cover. We all know how writers rarely get any input on their covers.
I do honestly have to wonder at these covers, though. People WILL judge books by them, whether it is right or wrong to do so.
There are three famous people on the last one:
*The judge is obviously Gomez Addams.
*The girl in red looks like Christina Aguilera, but considering her mouth is open, I’m opting that it’s Tara Reid in a blond wig that makes her look like Aguilera
*The second guy looks like Jack Black with a bad combover.
I think we are witnessing the birth of a cult.
Laughing my fucking ass off @ the IEBAs!
A website that reviews romance novels from a couple of smart bitches who will always give it to you straight. No bullshit. No gushing--unless the author really deserves it. To find out more, read all about us or check out our minty-fresh and funkadelic FAQ section.
found out Meyer’s “response” when it broke on fandom_wank late last evening. I don’t know if you’ve seen fandom_wank, but this kind of thing, in that context, is pretty hilarious (the macros, oh the macros).
Heck, it made…
Let me just address Sasha’s “for shame!”:
I found out Meyer’s “response” when it broke on fandom_wank late last evening. I don’t know if you’ve seen fandom_wank, but this kind of thing, in that context, is pretty hilarious…
Gah. I used to like Abebooks.
I’m lucky in that I have several good options where I am so I don’t have to rely on Amazon, but I also recognize that there are a lot of places where…
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06.27.07 at 09:11 AM |