Smart Bitches Trashy Books | All of the romance, none of the bullshit.

LOL! I love the originals and your additions, Sarah.

Now I can’t help but weigh in.

The Hero:
1) “Hessians? I loathe them, they give me calluses.”
2)"I do not need a valet. I can put on my own clothes and lurk outside my own doors.”
3)"I’m an absolute idiot at cards and dice. Want to play Scrabble?”

The Heroine:
1)"Latin? Why would I be able to read Latin? Telegu, however, I’m quite accomplished in.”
2)

Ok now I KNOW the spaminator words are rigged, I was only going to read the comment already left but had to post myself when I saw my ‘word’ was british56.

Oh I’m pretty sure there’s a Cynster or five who find estate management scintillating. When they aren’t having fourteen pages of sex with the heroine a love scene of course.

The Hero:
1. A large steed? Oh no, this small mule will be fine
2. I believe in staying pure until marriage

The Heroine:
1. I’d have sex with you in this swing/field/horseback/bed/carriage if I weren’t on my period
2. Would you like to invite your brother/valet/butler/sister to join us in bed?

For the hero: “Oh, but trousers are so scandalous.  I’ll wear knee-breeches instead.”

Too funny.  Thanks for sharing.  If Avon comes after you, we can pool our resources for your legal defense :)

Sudden thunderstorm?  Let’s not retire to that conveniently placed hunting lodge where we will be forced to remove our clothing to dry it by the fire but, in stead, get bloody good and soaking wet on our swift return to the manor, poopkins.

No, sorry, you look quite able to manage your own horse.  This is a one-seater saddle.

1.  This vat of frosting and batter?  If you’ll just shimmy out of that ruffled shirt and those biscuit-coloured breeches, I’ll show you how *I* “make a cake of” someone.  A hint: it involves lots of tongue.

Cuddles? He was this huge guy I used to climb whenever I did too many shots of Jager at the DC Eagle.

He had wonderful hands.

Hero: “The fill-in-the-servant’s christian name? How the bloody hell should I know? And why should I care?”

Heroine: “I’d rather have my one night of passion *after* I wed, if you please.”

Hero:  I’ve terrible aim with a pistol my dear.  No, I think we should just let the highwayman have his way with you.

Heroine:  Dainty sleeves?  Don’t be ridiculous.  It’s freezing outside.

Sex? Are you kidding? Do you want me to get the French pox?**

**Note: if French, replace with “English pox”

My favorite in the lists above is the one about the siblings only being there for the sequel :-> Followed closely by the desire to slap the hero’s small child. Can’t resist my own additions.

Heroine:

“I know the rules tell me that certain behavior is required so even though I become faint and weak at the knees at the sight of my one True Love, I’m still not going to have sex/run away/visit him in his rooms without a maid/stay in a room alone overnight with him.”

“You might be kinder to me and truly understand me but I’m still going to marry the man my family chose for me.”

“After the wedding you’re going to keep your mistress and we’re going to have a marriage of convenience? No problem - sex with you isn’t that great anyway”

Hero:

“What?!?!? You slept with men to save your family from ruin/slept with your former fiance out of true love just before the wedding but he got killed in the war/ran away with a seducer and were away overnight but nothing happened and you were brought back home the next day? Get out of my sight, you tramp, and never darken my door again!”

“What?!?!? You secretly read Latin and Greek/help manage your family’s estate for your goof-off brother/wrote the current novel that is scandalizing London? Get out of my sight, you bluestocking, and never darken my door again!”

“I’m afraid I’m hopeless at tying my own neckcloth, everyone always beats me up at Jackson’s, and I can barely control my horses.”

I loved TROG (and the acronym isn’t bad either, LOL!).

This is so funny! 

How about: “What’s that you say?  Stay in my room/carriage/hidden whilst you apprehend the bad guy/take part in a duel/venture into a particularly hazardous situation?  Of course I will, I’m not stupid enough to risk getting myself killed.”

“Oh look a pirate ship.  I’d better hide below deck to avoid getting raped and murdered.”

Or from the hero: “Pistols at dawn? No thanks, I’m a rubbish shot and I don’t really care that much about the lady’s honour.”

This list (and all the additions) is too funny! Almost makes me want to go pick up a few regencies next!

Hero:  “Perhaps I should have told you this before marriage, but I have the French pox.  Sorry but you’ve got a wonderful dowry.”

Heroine:  “Oh Hawk/Devil/Lucien/Sin you’re a nice guy but I’m just not that into you.”

Hero: “Her eyes? Fine? I hadn’t noticed.”

I love these!  And I’m so inspired!  I just want to go out and slap some hero’s annoying little kid.

Thank you so much for sharing.

Heroine:  I feel faint.  I need a slug of brandy and cyanide. 

(Ratafia is bitter almonds steeped in sweetened brandy.  Yep. Those bitter almonds.  Why sweet young things are always being plied with mildly poisonous brandy is beyond me.)

Hero: You feel faint?  Stick your head between your knees while I fetch your mother/maid/sister/competent female.

Gwynnyd

Butler, remove this strange woman from my bed immediately. Just once, I’d love to see that.

Heroine: “It is almost dawn. I must stop the duel between my brother and my husband! Let me dress in this simple sprigged muslin with tiny blue flowers that accentuates my figure and perfectly matches my eyes, then I’ll brush my long blond curls until they shine.”

I love it!
The book itself is pretty damn marvellous too!

Hero:  “Your cold-hearted father, the Duke of Something ruined my family!  If I were a real man I’d seduce you then visciously dump you only to realize that I kinda actually dig you.  Except, you’re really not that cute.”

Heroine:  “Look, your attempts to radically change my appearance by dressing me in scads of female frippery are in vain.  I really am this unattractive.  Deal with it.”

Reading all these comments reminded me of one more for the hero:

“You want to know how I managed to tuck a 36” long shirt into my skintight pants without a single wrinkle to mar the line of my manly hips?  Damned if I know.”

:)

Hero: “You had my child years ago after an anonymous one night affair and now you expect me to fall in love with you and marry you just because I am a wealthy earl and you are a penniless nobody? HA! I know a paternity fraud when I see one.”

Heroine: “What do you mean, only loose women wear undergarments? It’s bloody freezing in this thin muslin dress! We live in England! Give me those long woolen drawers, and the socks, too.”

OMG, these are hysterical.  And I had to comment just so I could get the follow-up comments.  Because I’m shallow like that.

Heroine:
Oh, (insert insipid maid’s name here). The first dress you selected will be perfect. You know I love pastels. And the more ruffles, the better. And lace? Yes, of course. An elegant lady always wear ruffles and lace in pastel

Hero:
My mother loves me. In fact, I had a wonderful childhood.

*snort* verification word: “congress73”

I have to admit, one of my favorite things about Julia Quinn’s Bridgerton series is that one of the boys was a HORRIBLE shot, and admitted it to the heroine (Gregory?, yes, I think it was Gregory). And the best shot in the family was Eloise.

All you bitches are so smart and funny I wouldn’t even dare to follow-up on myself!

Thanks for posting these, Sarah! This really made my day.

Which I’m sure will be a great comfort once Avon descends…

Oh, my sweet scalded pumpkins. I love you all. I’ve had a really crap week at work—hell, let’s just call it a crap year at work, huh?—and the antidote is clearly the Scissor Sisters and “4. All this striding around is giving me groin injuries.”

BWAHAHA.

My spam word is “need83.” As in, I need a burly gentleman born in 1983 to come rub my shoulders and tell me I’m pretty. S’okay. He’s only a little younger. I’ll be nice.

Actually,I think there were a couple of Susan Johnson’s historicals in which nos. 9 & 10 on the heroines’ list were said.

Heroines:

“Look, could you *please* get me pregnant as soon as possible? The sooner I give you your heir, the sooner I can get back with my lover. You know him. His wife is your mistress.”

“Uh, you DARE me to kiss you? What are we, twelve?” (This can be used in contemporaries, as well)

“No, I’m not going to have one passionate night with you? God only *knows* where that thing has been!”

Heroes:

“Yeah, her father was a bastard. But she was a kid when he ruined my life; so I can’t blame her for it.”

“Marry for money? Hell, I have connections; I can find a nice sinecure.”

Hero:

You want me to put my MOUTH on your hoo-ha?  What kind of a degenerate do you think I am?  Now, close your eyes and think of England.  This should only take a few moments.

I love these!
Can I put in a request for Highlander style heroes and heroines, paranormal and otherwise?
Or should I do my own?

And
“You have a mistress and you want me to marry you for convenience? Suits me, I always did prefer your brother, but you’re the earl and I want to be a countess.”

This is hysterical and so many of these rules hold true.  One of the reasons I love Georgette Heyer is that after she wrote books with heroes that embodied these soon to be cliches, she wrote Cotillion which had a hero who was the exact opposite of them.  Cotillion is one of my favorite Regencies just b/c I appreciate the hero who IS a dandy w/o sporting skills, is neither a rake nor cold and imposing, and is basically as far from an alpha male as you can get.