Candy: I won’t go for the obvious joke. I won’t. I’m taking the high ground on this one. All I’ll say is: Those ancient Greek women sure had some nifty leotards. Geometry, logic, rhetoric, astronomy, the natural sciences, Spandex--once again, the Greeks blazed the trail for Western civilization.
But really, anything I say will just detract from the pure comedy that is this cover, so I’ll just shut up now.
Sarah: I will try to avoid the obvious with you, even as we cover our mouths and snicker, so I will follow up your leotard observations with a high compliment of the ancient Greek techniques of highlight application to dark-haired individuals.
Further, the advancements in plastic surgery, specifically breast implants for her and him, must have been overlooked by historical record. So pleased I am that evidence of the ancient Greek’s cosmetic enhancement industry has been recorded visually.
Also, you’d think if he was going to buy that sword he’d have fixed himself up with at least a loincloth.
...
OK. I can’t hold back. The LOTUS EATERS?! LOTUS EATERS?! Get OUT of here! What’s next, “I Munch Box!?”
Candy: Ummm. Yeah. What a lovely head angle. Is she going to barf green pea soup all over him, then use a crucifix as a dildo?
Again: NOTHING I say can add to the comedy gold. This is truly one of the few instances in which the covers truly do speak for themselves.
Sarah: Candy’s right. All you can do is sit there and gaze at the wonderment, trying to fit it all into your brain at once. I will say that I think the men of this designer’s world need to explore clothing options. You can’t have a strategically placed weapon of destruction, or a scantily-clad girl with a broken neck handy to shield your manroot all the time.
Further, I hope that the couple in this book reveals what manner of toupee paste remains firm and affixed underwater, because clearly some J-Lo-esque intervention is holding her vest over her breasts.
I’m going to have nightmares.
Tags: This entry has not been tagged yet.
Hmmm.. I can’t help but wonder whether holding a sword that large and presumably heavy, at that angle, with just one hand on the hilt, is actually physically possible. I think his forearm muscles would be bulging somewhat more.
Thanks for a good snarky laugh, though. I just can’t see myself buying a book with that sort of cover ;-)
What I keep staring at--trying to figure out--is that thing coming out of the Greek ladies back side. What is that? I realize it’s probably her hand, and I keep thinking, “if the pic were just a tad larger, I could make it out.” Then I realize, I really don’t want to see it larger. There’s just too many scary details. Aside from the fact that computer-generated images like this freak me out. Along with clowns and puppets. And especially computer-generated clown puppets.
A N Y W A Y...the images alone would keep me from buying these books. Shame. I’m sure they’re literary gems filled with Tron-like sexcapades I wouldn’t want to miss.
Ankah: You have caught a detail I missed. Either I assumed it was her hand, or I glanced past it and missed the opportunity to ask if she might be flirting with him by squeezing out a wombat.
Yeeesh.
This would be the one reason I have yet to buy books from Venus Press. Those covers are AWFUL!!!!!!!!! Ellora’s Cave has its share, as does NCP and others (amber Quill Press and the mustached guy *shudder*)...but VP’s covers are consistently horrid. Yeah, I’m judging a book by its cover, but if one aspect of the business is like this, how am I supposed to think the rest is?
You know who else I’m amazed ever developed a following? Topaz, with that half-shirted smirking guy with the Kenny G hair on the spine of every single book. Is he a pirate? Is he some kind of gardener taking his clothes off? I often got confused and wondered if the spine art had something to do with the story, and would I like a big muscle-bound man in a puffy shirt involved in the plot?
You can kinda see him here, between the Joey-from-Friends lookalike dude. He’s hot his shirt half-off and this big ol’ grin. Yeesh.
Couple of things I loooove about these covers:
#1. The base of Ullyses’ sword is a gi-normous CRAB. Hovering directly over his CROTCH.
#2. Atlantis gal has a giant glowing beacon above her naughty bits. The glowing air-traffic control light guiding the pilot in… Plus, gotta love the oh-so subtle giant column/pole/penis substitute hovering in the background!
Oh my gosh, the Crab! THE CRAB! BWAHAHAHAHA!
Mmm-hmmm, I am observant...I tend to want to avoid men with giant crabs so I am constantly vigilant!!
I am in awe at the badness of these. Holy keeerap!
The crab—I thought it was an octopus! I can’t decide which is worse, but either way, I’m laughing my ass off here.
Okay, so the real question is: which gets the worst cover award? These...or Dara Joy’s photoshopped monstrosities you had here a while back? On one hand, I vote these because I feel bad that Dara Joy has to do her own, and these are professionally produced. On the other hand...those glowing yellow eyes and that headband and the molester mustache...yikes!
Ladies, ladies: ancient Greek women punching a grumpy through their leotards? Giant crabs on crotches? Penises in the background? Y’all are LOWERING THE TONE of our discourse here.
There, I almost typed that with a straight face.
I don’t get it. Are these romance novels? Yikes!
*groans*
These are awful. Venus Press has also been panned for its covers on the God Awful Fanfiction site which also has subcategories for original work. One is Godawful book covers.
Unfortunately, the authors have almost no say in what goes on the front of these books (at least in my personal experience), nor can they pick the artist. This is a real shame as some talented authors are never read because the book cover is so repulsive. And, as demonstrated by at least two of the previous responses, readers are so turned off by the front cover, they won’t buy based on the assumption that if the cover is that bad, the writing is as well. Who can blame them?
I recently got on with Amber Quill, but can’t comment good or bad on the covers (public relations you know).
All I can say is a bad cover (no matter who the publisher is) can do a real disservice to writer. On the flip side, a beautiful cover can do wonders to lure a reader into buying something that showcases some terrible writing. Candy and/or Sarah just recently reviewed one where that was the case. Gorgeous cover. Questionable writing with plenty of historical and cultural snafus.
Anyhoo, thanks for the laugh. I cringed when I saw them and then giggled. No denying they are baaaadd. :red: :-S
Whenever I need a laugh I come here and I’m guaranteed one. You did it again with these covers and comments.
I doff my cap to your comedic genius.
PS
Did you notice the rather enlarged calves on the lotus eater? You know what they say about me with large calves...no wait, that’s feet
Acchh I meant “men with large calves” not me with . Although come to think of it my calves are rather large. - But wait, that doesn’t mean anything.
Just thought I would let you know that I saw a promo from Venus Press (a call for submissions) that featured the tag line...wait for it…—*Where the covers are HOT...and the writers are SIZZLING*
Bwahahaha!
Hot? HOT? Sure, if you find animated zombie girls with broken necks and gills hot.
A website that reviews romance novels from a couple of smart bitches who will always give it to you straight. No bullshit. No gushing--unless the author really deserves it. To find out more, read all about us or check out our minty-fresh and funkadelic FAQ section.
TracyS - that must have been the blizzard in 1990? It was the only time I remember school being closed (I was in college at the time) for snow in years...Our school closed more often if it got too cold…
The book has a US publisher now. Beaufort Books has also bought (optioned? what’s the right word?) the sequel.
I thought that kid was queefing, but it was a boy, right?
queefing?? What’s queefing?? At least one of those little leaguers was a girl.
Unfortunately, that’s not very much snow for MN!
Um, I think that…
The Meltzer video is funny, clever and classy! It’s hard to believe that the book is bad, given his skill in handling criticism.
Of course the computer ate my first post which was so much more eloquent than this one will be, but here it goes.
I LOVE how Meyers handled this entire situation. Her chapters were leaked. Her readers/fans forwarded/read/perpetuated…
Ankah said on...
Nicole said on...
Candy said on...
white raven said on...
04.18.05 at 12:06 AM |