Smart Bitches Trashy Books | All of the romance, none of the bullshit.

OMG Sarah, I can’t tell you how much I love the terror alert!  That made my week.  Also, thanks for protecting me from bad literature.

You know, sometimes I like the bad reviews more than the good ones. Does that make me a bad person?

You know, sometimes I like the bad reviews more than the good ones. Does that make me a bad person?

We’ll be bad together, Sara, because sometimes, when I really need a laugh, I hit the “Reviews by Grade: F” tag.

Those terror alerts just caused me to splorp tea all over the terminal.

“and you know where the weeping is going on, don’t you? I thought so”

Nah, Nope, Zilch, I have No idea, please splain Lucy.

Oh mighty Lord, thank You for letting me finish my Coke before I hit the Terror Alert part of the review, because I would not wish to petition You for the cash for a new laptop.

On a more earthly level, I have to chime in on the F-review consensus. I find that reading the F reviews--which often contain prose not only bad, but unintentionally hilarious--are an excellent way to let a writer laugh at her own writing. And, of course, to have that evil little thought: At least my stuff isn’t that bad.

No!  No!  No!

What have you done to me?

I’m off to read the F reviews you see.  Such an idea had never occurred to me but now I can’t resist the temptation.

You’re making me want to read it just to see if it’s really that bad.

must resist

HAHAHA Camel Nose Alert!

Can you believe this has five stars at Amazon?  Gawk.  And to think I sometimes defend Amazon reviewers.  At least 3 of them seem to be HK wanabes. 

However I can’t believe you left out the tasty tibit that the hero’s sobriquet is Lord Beast.  No wonder his clothes were in such a state!

Wow. F. Like for ‘F*ck’. So bad, it might be good. Like me. Yeah.

Thank you for the terror alert, but what of the inherent dangers in, shudder, plumber’s crack?

Which leads me to my next question, since summer is upon us, do you think you could do another of these terror alerts for all the scary awfulness lying in wait at theme parks, fairs, and festivals?

However I can’t believe you left out the tasty tibit that the hero’s sobriquet is Lord Beast.

I can’t believe it either. It goes so well with the “Animal + Item found in Nature” aristocratic title.

Thank you for the Alarmingly Clothed Terror Alert Levels. I will be using it for all my reading from now on.

Love the alert!

You must review more bad novels. Badnovel=toofunnyreview

Verification word- need27 I need to read 27 more of those reviews

The cover is kinda pretty (but I pick up penny’s muttering “SHINY!").  And it does have the twisted pyscho kinda stuff going on that I can get into.... I understand crazy people.

Sounds like my kinda book.....other than the bad writing.  But I usually ignore that too....the literary version of “SHINY!”.

Oh, and the Terror Alert is well, WONDERFUL!

The postings from the last few days seem to indicate a need for a kilt alert system.

Who better to protect us from kilt abuse?

The funny/scary thing is. . . I can’t quite put my finger on what’s truly bad about this book from the review. Each plot problem taken individually could work in a good romance. And has.
So I have to assume it is just a perfect storm of awfulness and pray to God that I haven’t managed to pull those storm fronts together in my own book. *nervous laughter* The hero’s name is Lord Lyonscocke. Do you think that’s too much? :-0

I, too, love the bad reviews most of all. It tells me what to avoid. I trust them more than the good reviews.

I guess it’s better than the Duke of NutterButters.

Well, shit. That’s his nickname. He’s salty goodness.

oh,
my

Ha! Najida, you and your “shiny"ness crack me up. And i promise that I’ve never named a hero Lyonscocke, thogh I’m sorely tempted to do so now. Then again, I’m now thinking that Ravenscocke is even funnier. Just the image. . .

All this talk of critters puts me in mind of the Smart Bitch Onomatopoeia Contest.

Lord Prairiedogscocke is all mine!

*view69* Seriously, where’d you get the pervy filter word generator?

Oh, Victoria, if you don’t go with Ravenscocke I’m going to be sorely tempted for my next book.  Save me from myself!

And I nearly snorted Moroccan Mint tea over the terror alerts.  We need them to accompany all future reviews.

Clearly the onomatopoeia would have to be “Caaaaw! Ca-caaaaw!”

Wait, the heroine is too frigid, but the woman he rapes is tasty?? Way to blame the victim as well. That’s like, a whole ice age unto the heroine.

Thanks for making me SO not miss doing reviews anymore.

I’m still trying to figure out the whole servant/friend of a viscount thing . . .

I think Heyer got the only good animal name (Ravenscar, and yes, such a place really does exist in England). Perhaps we can simply blame her brilliant use of this place name for all the hideous ones that have followed? It’s like she planted some kind of subconscious name prompt in the genre the lingers to this day. LOL!

From now on, I’m saying “oh noes! oh noes!” when confronted with something unseemly AND that terror alert is amazing and I heart you for it.

Another question: what is a “well-muscled oversized body?” Huh? That’s hella awkward prose right there.

If he is simply “well-muscled” wouldn’t that preclude him being “oversized?” Wouldn’t he have to be overly muscled in order to also be oversized?
Or is the author trying to say that he is oversized elsewhere?

Am I the only one who thinks that a “well-muscled oversized body” makes him a pin-head (as in circus freak)? I mean, the body has to be “oversized” in comparison to something, and pretty much the only option is his head.

Oh man a new grade of book…

Grade “Caaaaw! Ca-caaaaw!”

No, no, Victoria - name it DUCKScocke. They’re much more impressive!

Or SLUGScocke. Man those things scared me.

Love the terror alert.  Now I am waiting for Kathryn Falk to show up and start rambling.

Best part about Lord Ravenscocke is that ravens don’t have cocks.  Most birds don’t.  Talk about anal sex--they press their butts together and pass the sperm along that way.

Ducks, as we’ve all been traumatized to learn, are an exception to this rule.  *corkscrew rapist duck cocks shudder*

I might have to pick this book up.  I absolutely heart books with prose cheesy enough to give it the MST3K treatment with friends.  One memorable conference experience was spent with my hotel roommates reading one of the gimme books aloud, and literally crying with laughter so hard that my tears smeared the ink and my abs were sore for days.

See?  There are many ways to enjoy books.

I love to read bad reviews—it’ a great way to relieve stress.  :-)

You need to post a video clip of the book flying across the room & hitting the wall—that would make the review perfect!

AnimeJune, you beat me to suggesting Duckscocke.

Have made me laugh very much...thank you...your reviews are so great. keep me protected from the alarmingly loud and shrill clothes my heroes seem to posess! ha!

Ow ow ow owwww owowowow!
I think I hurt myself and peed all over my chair…

Ugh, I’ve already been burned by this author. All About Romance had me convinced her book “The Real Deal” was just fabulous… it was seriously one of the worst books I’ve ever had the misfortune to read. I’ve avoided Ms. Monroe ever since - and it doesn’t surprise me that she hasn’t exactly improved with time. ;)

And OBVIOUSLY what someone needs to do is write a Brotherhood of the Cocke family series. The book about Lord Duckscocke would have to be the final, much-awaited book, of course. :)

Part of the reason why I couldn’t bring myself to read this book was how it seemed like a re-tread of The Real Deal, down to the traumatized heroine with the incredibly poor self-image.

And Victoria: it’s true, awful plot devices can be used by decently skilled authors to good advantage. What kills me about Monroe is what a terrible, terrible prose stylist she is. Not to say I haven’t read and loved my share of terrible prose, but egad, her writing is so very, very bad, and not in a campy, enjoyable way. Though she’s popular enough, so clearly, many people disagree with me on the readability of her prose, and really, more power to them.

For those clamoring for more reviews of bad books: I received a Karen Kay Indian romance in the mail today. I might have to make myself read this one. Oh god. THE BURNING.

Najida, oooh! Me too! I pick up “shiny” stuff too, with a happy one-eyed-twitch mumble and quick-quick, into the pocket it goes. My precioussss.

And CAMEL NOSE?!! I laughed so hard and started so abruptly, my kid ran into the room, thinking I’d hurt myself.

And OBVIOUSLY what someone needs to do is write a Brotherhood of the Cocke family series. The book about Lord Duckscocke would have to be the final, much-awaited book, of course.

You mean when the series was spiralling down?

My dreams were haunted last night by the Duke of DuxDix, the Earl of RavensRodd and the Count of KattKox.

No, Candy, you’re right about the bad prose. . . Just the plot problems that I seem to have encountered (individually) in many, many romances. I was worried I was no longer able to recognize them as cheesy. *g* And adorable children??? Bad enough when they don’t have speaking parts, really.

Actually, I suppose all the misunderstandings and assumptions alone would make it a bad book for me. I’m a huge fan of working out the misunderstandings in the first chapters of a book, so we can get on to the grown up conflicts. But I do confess to loving the ol’ horrible, evil first husband trauma.

But I do confess to loving the ol’ horrible, evil first husband trauma.

Esp when it leaves us with a virgin widow. *roll eyes* I always just love that one . . .

I agree, I hate misunderstandings and negative assumptions to ‘be’ the book.  That quickly makes a book a wall-banger for me.

However, the trauma of past experiences whether it’s a former spouse, parent or just event is one of my favorite, yet-quick-to-be-picked-to-pieces-by-me, story lines :)

It is SO DIFFICULT for me to read this blog at work, because I’m trying to suppress copious, choking laughter, and it ends up coming out my nose, and then the people around me in this open plan office look over like I have just asphyxiated on my own uvula, when in reality I’m just trying not to wet myself at the phrase CAMEL NOSE ALERT!

Gah.

I think the only thing worse than enjoying reading the F reviews is hunting down the book just so you can see the godawfulness of the actual book yourself.

::hangs head in shame::

But I do confess to loving the ol’ horrible, evil first husband trauma.

What I like about that storyline is seeing a man gently help the woman past her fears and coax/seduce her into the physical intimacy she feared.  Taking that time and care because he loves her, to me, is sooo sexy.  It’s about building the emotional intimacy and sexual tension, two things I adore reading.  So yes, I can absolutely see why this is a favorite storyline for you!

Virgin widows, however, fall firmly into the Oh God PLEASE NO category.  Shudder.  I don’t tend to like that much cheese with my romances. 

*picturing the cover clinch of Fabio and an extra-large box of Velveeta*

I hate her historical novels. Her contempary ones like the ones she writes for Harlequin Presents are way better and more suited for her “prose”. It’s strange that her shorter novels feel more complete to me than her longer ones.