Smart Bitches Trashy Books | All of the romance, none of the bullshit.

Candy, I totally less than three you for this.

That’s hilarious. I have never read a category romance, but now that you have opened my eyes I plan to rush out and buy a stack.

OK, that was hysterical. It was the first time I’ve watched a video of you two. I’m still not at all sure, though, that I actually know what the definition of “category romance” is. Is there more than one category? That’s probably a dumb question to the old timers, but there you have it.

One comment about the video: SB Sarah has a great broadcast voice, and SB Candy, it wasn’t the chipmunk squeals that bothered me, it’s that the camera only showed half of your face much of the time, and watching your facial experessions is half the fun. Still, I laughed out loud at what I heard.

http://www.canadianromanceauthors.com/Set_in_Canada.php
I wish the Candian Romance Authors site (above I’m to lazy to write code) would get their asses in gear and fix their “set in Canada” list page. They had dozens listed at some point, but then they revamped the page and it’s “UNDER CONSTRUCTION”. :(

I have nothing to contribute except that it made me laugh out loud.  Oh, and number three which made me cackle in such a bizarre fashion that it scared the dog.

That is all.

Being from Canada, I love the idea of Romance novels set in the Great White North...but only if the authors of said novels have any clue at all about Canadian geography. I was reading this really lame romance novel the other day that my Nana sent to me--she uses all her old copies of romance novels as packing material in her Christmas parcels--how cool is that? And in this novel, the dubiously monikered Yukon Love Song by Veronica Blake, the Yukon and Alaska were interchangeable. What the fuck, right? I mean, as a Canadian, I am wildly bitter that Alaska is not part of our landmass (it is SO disruptive to our continental continuity to make Alaska American--I mean, c’mon!)so having Miss Blake make it interchangeable with the giant mass of ice we actually do own hurt my Canadian pride a little--I mean, what was she implying, exactly, that the Yukon was basically Alaska and therefore more American than Canadian? I don’t know. Needless to say, I didn’t finish the book, though my husband followed me arround the house the other day, reading the love scenes aloud to be, and basically making me laugh so hard I almost threw up a little.

But I digress. What I wanted to say was...well, I don’t really remember. I do however want to know know if anyone has read any Canadian set romance novels that were actually geographically accurate, and convincingly Canadian. Perhaps fellow Canadian Smart Bitches out there will be able to help me out, because they might understand my plight for something that actually speaks a little to actual Canadian experience, perhaps,dare I say it, written by ACTUAL Canadians....but then, all those novels set in England are rarely written by actual English people, so why should I expect anything different for my own country? Because it is so fricken big, it could fit, like, a gajillion Englands into it? I don’t know.

Anyway, as a writer myself, and a Canadian, I feel it is my civic duty to write an awesome, searingly sexy historical romance novel set in Canada--hell, set in my own town. Why not? After all, I live in the town (Mission, BC)that is the site of the first Canadian train robbery. That’s exciting, right? And sexy. There could be a lot of euphemism about , and steam engines in there, like “she stroked his sleek steam engine of love, which was ready at any moment to pull into her station”, and the like. (I’m kidding, of course--I would never write a line like that for reals :-)

And also, thinking about a HaBO entry regarding Jewish protagonists, I was also thinking that as a Jewish Canadian, I could kill two birds with one proverbial (and very sexy) stone, and write my next novel about Jewish Canadian protagonists in Mission, British Columbia. I could through the train robbery in there for good measure. This could be HOT.

What do you bitches think?

LOL! You know I thought I was the only one who thought there were an awful lot of Greeks in Australia. I love category romances and have probably read at least 15 that have Greeks living in Australia.

I can only remember ever reading one with a Canadian hero but they were all in England.

I seem to remember Alexandra Sellers wrote a whole series of category romances where the sheikhs were rather devout in their faith. Other than that, yup.

So true it’s painful and yet I can’t stop reading them.

okay, I realize there was a very strange line in my post that made no sense--my keyboard is being a douchebag today, and made me create some very weird text in there.

“There could be a lot of euphemism about , and steam engines in there, like” SHOULD have read “There could be a lot of euphemisms about steam engines in there”

Maybe no big deal, but I feel a lot better clearing that up. Thanks.

It’s entirely possible to be somebody’s mistress while remaining a virgin.

WHY am I not somebody’s mistress right now? I could use a fabulous wardrobe, nights out on the town,etc. And if I can do that without the sex?

Oh...wait. Am I mixing up “mistress” with “kept woman”? I thought mistresses in these books were like mistresses in the 19th century. Am I wrong?

Billionaires who regularly date actresses and supermodels will find your mousiness and awkwardness refreshingly real and promptly fall in love with you.

Oh, billionaires! I’m right here! Check out my long, boring brown hair! Look, I’m below average height! I can’t walk across a room without tripping over a chair! WHERE IS MY BILLIONAIRE? I am so ready to be his virgin mistress.

Kinley - you are magnificent.

Okay, I a totally monopolizing my talking time--but this is the very first time I have ever contributed to a thread on this site, so bear with me.

Candy’s hilarious rant regarding the discovery that oral sex is REAL reminded me of being a kid, and sneaking my aunt’s category romances from beneath her bed when she wasn’t home. She had literally a hundred of the damn things stashed under her bed--or that was where she threw them when she was done with them, I don’t know. All I know is, there was a veritable treasure trove of Harlequins under there, and I would stick my arm under there, and grab as many as my ten-year-old hands could grapple, and then I would run to the bathroom and hide, flipping through to find all the juicy bits, my heart hammering in my chest. I think I got my entire (dubious, it must be said...)sexual education from reading those things before my mum even knew I knew what sex was, ha ha. And like Candy, I too discovered that oral sex was REAL from those books.

I just want to add for good measure that my sexual education has not REMAINED dubious.

Does anyone else have a story to share about dicovering sex through reading forbidden literature? And I use the term “literature” very VERY loosely.

“actually geographically accurate, and convincingly Canadian. Perhaps fellow Canadian Smart Bitches out there will be able to help me out, because they might understand my plight for something that actually speaks a little to actual Canadian experience, perhaps,dare I say it, written by ACTUAL Canadians”

AMEN! Please someone get on that without references to ‘Ice’ hockey or the word “eh”. Poutine, kilometers and loonies are ok. Although I read a horror (partially read) novel where the hero was using loonies in the 70’s. WTF? At least get the facts straight.

My literary sexual education began with (God help me) Flowers in the Attic. Incestuous rape ahoy!

Combine that with Sweet Valley High (all men are either eunuchs or wanna-be rapists), Little Women, and my charming self-censoring habits, and...yeah. Oral sex? I don’t think I learned about that until college. Didn’t read about it until I got over my anti-smut hangup and started reading smutty fan fiction.

OMG I have so many issues. I hate myself. :)

Romance wiki has a list of some books set in Canada here: http://www.romancewiki.com/Category:Canada

The list isn’t exactly extensive, but it’s a start.

There’s also a list of some Canadian authors: http://www.romancewiki.com/Category:Canadian_Authors

Just off the top of my head, two Canuck authors who have written books set in Canada are Michelle Rowen and Kate Bridges.

I was 12, reading The Flame and the Flower on the couch in the living room while everybody else watched TV in the den.

I swear to God that until I read that book I had no idea there was such a thing as THRUSTING. From the illustrated books my Mom had given me (the closest she ever came to actually explaining anything was pushing them into my hands with a blush) I thought that people just sort of laid there for awhile, then it was done and hey, presto, you had a baby!

Boy I wish I could find copies of those books today. All that 50s prudishness in a sex book? It was like “Dick and Jane Do It”

“And I’m allergic to alcohol, which means I end up chugging chocolate milk, which really doesn’t do much for my romantic image. GODDAMMIT.)”

Of course, if you were lounging in your carefully romantically decorated bedroom, wearing a feather boa, it would certainly help that romantic image (at least according to the Washington Post, right??!!). :-)

Sardonically.  That word is used a lot in Harlequin Presents. 

I recently picked some up because of a contest Harlequin is having and I’ve been reading them. 

He smiled sardonically.  His smile was sardonic.  What’s up with this word?

Oh, and man, I thought it sucked being allergic to almost all painkillers.  But allergic to alcohol???  That’s simply not fair. 

But you’ll stay tiny…

“I swear to God that until I read that book I had no idea there was such a thing as THRUSTING. From the illustrated books my Mom had given me [...] I thought that people just sort of laid there for awhile, then it was done and hey, presto, you had a baby!”

Oh My GOD, I know exactly where you are coming from! I had no IDEA about THRUSTING, either! I mean, I knew vaguely what went where, but it was a long time before I knew more about the propulsion mechanics of sex. There were so many lewd jokes the bad boys at school told me that just went RIGHT over my head--and then, when I figured out the thrusting bit, I started laughing my ass off, like--"Oh! NOW I get it! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!”

Only, I don’t think I really got what sex looked like, you know what I mean, until I started watching late night foreign movies on TV after my mum had gone to bed--I would sneak out into the livingroom, and turn the TV with no sound--shich was no problem, because these were FRENCH movies, and they had the miraculous invention known as the SUBTITLE. Thoug, of course, being a “Canauck”, I of COURSE speak fluent French ;-) So I only needed the subtitles for the subterfuge aspect.

I am going to let you you all in on a leeetle secret (or, un petit secret, as we say in Canada) we Anglo-Canadians only speak enough French so that when we pick up a can of soup, or a box of hairdye, or a shampoo bottle, and we accidently look at the French side first, we don’t necessarily need to turn it around to read the English. I mean, if we are THAT LAZY, and can’t be bothered to read the ingredients to Lipton’s Cupa Soup, we fall back on what little French we have actually absorbe over the years, and we secretly congratulate ourselves that all those years of secretly reading novels underneath our desks in French class, while keeping an ear halk-cocked so we wouldn’t get caught, were NOT IN VAIN!

Rincez et Repetez si Necessaire, Bitches! 

Wow, I really went off there. Sorry, guys! This is just so much bloody FUN!

Yes, we do have an awful lot of Italians and Greeks in Australia. ‘Folk lore’ has it that Melbourne is the second largest Greek city in the world!!
Even here in the very Anglo Celtic Apple Isle, I went to (Catholic) school with hordes of Greek, Italian and various Baltic State girls.
Odds on, the Italian and Greek men are your best bet for Gazillionaires too!!!
Oh apart from James Packer, and he’s no Category hero!!!!!

Oh God, I think I need to go back to bed. I can’t even spell my own name right. I posted my last entry under “Kinley’s”

Kinley’s WHAT, one wonders? Kinley’s half a brain?

And sooooo many typos. I just get over excited, talking to intelligent gals like you.

Oh My God, I keep TRYING to write my requisite ten pages today, but I keep reloading this site to see what everyone has been saying in the five minutes since I studiously closed my browser to begin the day’s work. I am so close to the end of my novel, and yet, Smart Bitches beckon me with their acerbic wit like sirens on the shoals!

Damn you, Ladies! Damn you to HELL!

Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you, for making my Friday.  And by “thank you”, I mean, for making me laugh so hard I had to explain myself to my coworkers....

Valley of the Horses. (Though I spent a very interesting Saturday morning reading bits of The Whole Earth Catalog at a tender age. They did a lot of book excerpts. Some of the books were foreign, and used socks as sexual aides. *blink*)

Very educational, those foreign books.

Oh My GOD, I know exactly where you are coming from! I had no IDEA about THRUSTING, either! I mean, I knew vaguely what went where, but it was a long time before I knew more about the propulsion mechanics of sex.

Okay, here’s how dumb I was. Now remember this was the early 1970s and I think Mom had bought “the books” sometime in the mid 1960s. And I swear, we never, ever caught our parents doing anything so I had no freaking clue. And Lord knows if I didn’t get it from the books I wasn’t getting any info from anybody.

Are you ready for it? I had this mental vision (fantasy actually) that the woman got pregnant *then* the guy “fertilized” the baby. Had all these wild sexy mental scenarios of that whole scene. It’s amazing that I didn’t end up with 16 kids with that kind of imagery going on. Thank the Lord for Romance novels. Of course Heather got pregnant by Brandon right away, but at least she wasn’t pregnant *first*!

Submit word: didn’t66. No, didn’t 69 either.

Now where can I sign up to be some billionare’s misstress, without the sex? Or a billionare cowboy not particular. Used to read the serials but don’t anymore, may go back to them based on all your reviews.

“Holy shit. That needs to go on a t-shirt.”

I hereby bequeath unto you, Sarah, and you, Candy, the copyright to those lines. If it every goes on a t-shirt, I want a free one ;-p

I just got finished this whole big reply to your “Frozen Chosen” comment, Sarah--but then my frigging computer ATE it, and now I will have to do a dramatic reenactment of the comment. Shit. I thought it was pretty funny, too. I’ll see if I can regurgitate it accurately, and post it later.

Well coming from a conservative Greek family (in Greece, no billionaires) I never got the Greek billionaire thing at all as they certainly didn’t seem to behave at all like the Greeks I knew.

I did however plow my way through hundreds of category romances and picked up my entire sex education that way. Thrusting? Oral Sex?? Anatomy???

There seemed no other place to get it because we certainly had no access to those pathetic textbooks and no parent would tell a Greek daughter what to do.

I guess that’s why the billionaires went for their English / Australian secretaries (not Canadians though;))

Where are all Billionaire ex-CEO current Cowboys hanging out? I already know a bunch of those mouse-brown haired, short and feisty love interest type people being one of them myself.

Anyways what I really wanted to post: I have read a couple of Canadian category romances. I have a secret addiction to Harlequin Superromances (the bigger thicker ones). One that comes to mind is about twins from Vancouver. One was wild and rebelious, the other a goody goody. The rebelious one dies on a mountain and the sister feels it even though she hasn’t had contact with her in a long time. So anyways, she goes and looks for her and of course ends up falling in love with the guy who absolutely hated her sister. It was not so bad…

Oh no! I lied! My frigging computer didn’t eat my reply--so no dramatic reenactment necessary. The reply is where it should be, in the post about category romance titles.

I tried to reread my first category romance recently (read it when I was twelve or thirteen and hubby tracked a copy down--romantic story )

Unfortunately, it made me angry. This guy was such a moron.  He goes for the younger girl and actually says this aloud… “You’re so untouched!” Says this with much, much passion.  Then he tells his “horrible” mistress that a man doesn’t want to marry a woman he’s been familiar with.  WTF?  She wasn’t the only one in that bed.

Maybe it’s the “being nearly 6’ tall thing”, but when I think “Greek” or “Sheik”, mostly my mental map thinks “short” (unfair? yes, but still true). Maybe not all of them on the planet, but most of the Greek and Middle Eastern guys I know are quite a bit shorter than I am (I also tend to think “hairy” which doesn’t help). I went to high school with WAY too many Greek and Armenian boys . . . all of them tit-high with tufts of hair peeing out the back of their shirts. LOL!

“Smart Bitches beckon me with their acerbic
wit like sirens on the shoals!

Damn you, Ladies! Damn you to HELL!”

>Holy shit. That needs to go on a t-shirt. Candy, I think it’s about time we got serious about opening a store.>SBSarah

YES, you really should. One central location for everything bitchin’ (groan). But if you do, check out Zazzle as well as Cafe Press---I think their stuff is a bit higher quality. Not sure how the money thing works though.

I personally will buy THAT particular t-shirt ‘cause I haven’t done a damn thing all day except correct errors in my own blog and read the posts and comments here. I grew up Catholic, so you really don’t even want to know how I found out about sex. I will say that if Edwards had written porn, it probably would have been the title of a book. The nuns rushed the entire school off the playground, and none of us ever saw those two dogs again. I was only in second grade, but even I knew that if the Domenican nuns say No, No, No, it was a defininte “let’s look into this subject” for the rest of us...well, me anyway. tt

If I didn’t heart you already, Candy, “OH MY GOD ORAL SEX IS REALLLLLLLLLLL. (Again: Thank you, Anne Stuart. You changed my life.)”
would’ve done the trick.  It makes it REALLY difficult to keep the laughter inside when one reads things like that.

And Kinley, I absolutely depended on romances for much of my early sexual education.  Plus an erotica book that belonged to a friend’s mom that I came across during a sleep-over.  There’s bits from that book that are still rattling around in my brain and I read it at approximately age 12, one time, and furtively while my friend’s mom was otherwise occupied.  It was akin to an Emma Holly book, only dirtier - *quite* the surprise to my innocent (and, ok, I’ll admit it - pervy) mind.

Man, I need to be working--not coming back here AGAIN.

But did you guys see this video?  Talk about squirmy but oh man, it’s the funniest thing ever.  Especially toward the end when one of the guys reached out to touch the girl reading. And the guy in the green shirt rocks! 

Do not watch with kids! Seriously.;)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x-OItnNWGHE

Do I lose points if my literary introduction to sex was through the Flashman series? ‘Cause woo, damn. Nothing romantic about those.

And another thing--I think Canadian authors who set their novels in Canada should be allowed to maintain Canadian spellings of things, like “colour”, and “favourite”, and “neighbour”. As a potential Canadian author of Canadian-set category novels, I think it is my cultural right to call my book “The Colour of Her Favourite (Billionaire) Neighbour’s Bedsheets”

What do you bitches think?

“But did you guys see this video?”

Ha ha ha ha hahahahaha! That was frigging hilarious! Notice how they kept using the adjective “burning” all the time? Like, “her burning pussy” and the “burning sensation of his cock”. Damn. They should really go get that checked out by a professional, because I am pretty sure (from what I remember from health class)that a *burning sensation* is NOT a good thing, in cooking OR in sex.

I love this site! And especially this post - I’m dying of laughter.

Kinley, C J Carmichael is from Calgary and, from what I remember of the couple of Superromances I’ve read of hers, had Canadian settings that seemed relatively accurate.

Vivi Anna is from Calgary too, but I can’t remember if her books had Canadian settings or not....

Rinda!  That link was sooo very, very awesome!

I absolutely loved how the word “cock” made everyone laugh without fail.  Yup.  Cock’ll get ya every time.

Someone forwarded that link to me and I about peed my pants laughing--especially with the guy who REALLY got into the reading. ;)

Thanks, SK, and all you other connoisseuses (how’s THAT for profficiency in the French lingo ;-)of Canadian romance titles/authors. I will definitely be doing some long, hard research this weekend, after I make atrip to my local library to hunt for some of these titles. Thanks, gals!

I would like to mention that Australia actually *does* have an awful lot of Greeks (2% of the population in the 1986 census) and quite a few Italians.

Ok, an SB store is possibly the very best idea EVER (although not necessarily best for my paycheque).

I learned about sex from reading 1) the Ian Fleming/James Bond books my missionary uncle stashed in the top of my closet when they stayed with us one summer and 2) HAWAII by J. Michener. I was maybe 13 when I read those…

That was a LOOOOOOOOONG time ago…

Kinley,

As you noted, just because someone is from someplace, doesn’t mean that she’ll set her books there too.  However, since the odds are better that a Canadian author is more likely than an American author to set a book in Canada, I’d suggest you check out the RWA chapter links for the Canada.  I know Calgary (http://www.calgaryrwa.com)had a very active chapter as of a few years ago.  Take a look at the Published Author lists and links on these sites.

The mention of Canadian settings also brought C.J. Carmichael to mind. Her website says her most recent one is set in New England and she did a number of books that were set in a fictional town - don’t know whether it was a Canadian town or not.

Some of her earlier books definitely have Canadian settings:

“A Sister Would Know” has a storyline tied to Rogers Pass, BC.

The “Proposal” trilogy is based in the Canadian Rockies with Canmore being the major town player.

She’s also got a book set in Ontario’s cottage country and another one where the heroine is an RCMP officer.

Also, Judith Arnold is Canadian (last I heard, she’s living in the U.S. now) and many of her earlier books had Canadian settings.

I agree; I’d love to see more Canadian settings. 

Chryssa

If Candy’s the chipmunk, does that mean Sarah’s the fish friar?

Oral sex?  Is that something to do with screaming?  Or does it mean doing it with your dentist?

Kinley, I don’t think Canadians are interested in sex.  I, La Belle Taupe Sans Merci, have been endeavoring for simply ages over on another forum to entice a Richardson’s Ground Squirrel from Vancouver into my burrow, but he won’t leave his wife.

yet22--means there’s still hope, I guess.

Back at my library, my coworkers and I used to joke about the ultimate Harlequin Presents title, The Millionaire Sheik Tycoon’s Virgin Boardroom Mistress’ Love Child. I commented once that I had no idea so many sheiks (not to mention their small old-fashioned desert kingdoms) still existed, nor that they all adapted so readily to monogamy.

But I can’t mock Harlequins too much, since they jump-started my education. After I finished all my grandmother’s Readers Digests, I started in on her Harlequins. I remember lying there reading and wondering A) just what the heck that man was doing to her, and B) why it was so darned fascinating.

I remember getting some vague notions via Danielle Steel, then a more proper education from early Jude Deveraux. I guess my life’s a little boring...I may yet have to pick up some Harlequins!

And Lara, The Millionaire Sheik Tycoon’s Virgin Boardroom Mistress’ Love Child would have to be my first !

Oh..."taken94." Hm.

I forgot to mention that I’m mousy and awkward, yet refreshingly real unlike those damn supermodels and heiresses.

I haven’t read any category romance because I want to avoid Secret Baby plots at all costs. I really don’t want a Secret Baby to sneak up on me like a little ninja when I’m reading a romance novel. That and my firm belief that mistresses hymen’s should have been left behind in high school via a bottle of wine coolers and some guy named Chip make me not want to read category romance.

It always curls my hair a bit when I read the comments demeaning my beloved category books – especially when the words come from someone who’s never read one.  True, the worst of them can suck wallpaper off walls, just like the worst in any other genre.  But so many of them are incredibly good reads.  I do find myself snickering when I read a rave review, oftentimes from the same people who ‘dissed categories, about the latest HB from Some Well-Known author, and it turns out that the book that they just paid $22 for is a reprint of the tale that I originally paid 85 cents for as a category romance. Especially since a lot of the books reprinted at the greatest expense are not even representative of the best reads, IMO.  But then maybe I’m just cheap… and while it was a good read for less than $1.00, it’s robbery for $22.00, I dunno.

The titles can be silly, but I mostly overlook them.  In fact, when I scan the shelves, I rarely even see the title on my first glance. I’m first looking for the author’s name. If it’s someone I like or someone I’ve not heard of before, then I investigate further and read the title and the blurb on the back and look at the cover.

For those who want to read the book, but cringe to be seen in public with it, I’d recommend these covers:  http://hardbacker.com.  I use them all the time to protect my books from wear. (I tend to toss them in my backpack or purse, and these save them from being folded and mutilated.) An added benefit is that for those covers requiring a plain brown (or some other color) wrapper, these do the trick wonderfully.  Though I can remember many years ago I was sitting on a crowded bus, reading a Harlequin Presents.  The dude next to me kept leaning in closer and closer, looking over my shoulder.  I thought he was some sort of letch and turned to snarl at him. He got all sheepish, and ‘fessed up that he was looking at the title to see if it was one he’d read. I didn’t believe him at first, but we started talking, and to my surprise, the dude knew his Harlies! LOL Too bad he didn’t have a decent book cover – he was too embarrassed to bring them out in public.

And for those of you commenting on the Canadian locales—I did a search by location on my Byron book database, and it gives me 281 different titles where the story takes place in Canada. Of that, I’m just eye-balling the list, but it looks like at least 100 of these are historicals – mostly frontier, some regency, colonial, a handful of WWII/40s/50s, and a bunch of inspirational frontier tales. There are also several Christmas themed ones and a couple time travels, and yes, even a sheik thrown in there.

I’m from the American southwest, so my geographic mind view pretty much stops and the Rio Grande.  I can’t tell you whether any of the stories are accurate, in terms of locale description, and I don’t read many historicals to give you a good perspective anyway.  But I can tell you that several of the authors on the list tell a mean story, if nothing else.

Examples would be Judith Duncan, CJ Carmichael, Margot Dalton, Elizabeth Lowell, Katie MacAlister.

It would take up too much room to post it here (not to mention I’m not even sure I’d know how to do it anyway). However, if you are interested, let me know and I’ll send you the list.

Diane

The thing I learned from my first romances (way back in the early 90s now)

1. If you want a stylish Elizabethan gown, all a girl has to do is cut out half the neck-line et voila.

2. A time traveling gal only needs a smart looking sash to cinch in those pesky old school gowns.  No corset needed.

3. A considerate lover will take months to teach you the art of love and then in a fit of passion/anger forget himself. (Hymens beware!)

4. Pearls* make a very interesting and strangely popular aide d’amour for the men of Elizabeth I’s court.

5. Eyeshadow had mystic properties to change eye color especially when used by time traveling gals.

6. Never go out for a carriage ride when there’s even a single cloud in the sky.  There will be a horrible storm and your carriage will be waylaid/over-turned/mired in mud and some dark stranger will forget himself in a fit of passion again.

* Now figuring out how exactly those pearls aided in d’amour was an interesting experience that mostly ended in my going “ooh! gross!”

Hoo boy, do I feel left out! I got my sex education in 7th grade via reading the letters pages in Playgirl. And let me tell you, those were eye-openers!

Not to mention the pictures. Playgirl was where I saw my first “uncut” guy.

I, La Belle Taupe Sans Merci, have been endeavoring for simply ages over on another forum to entice a Richardson’s Ground Squirrel from Vancouver into my burrow, but he won’t leave his wife.

You just have to tell him to gopher it.

Loving this!

Ok, my sex ed. was pretty much through books as well. Loveswepts in the early 80’s, with a dash of Valley of the Horses, and then, the *gasp* finding of my mothers Anais Nin erotica collection.

On one hand, my reading left me looking forward to the sex stuff, so much, I was worried I might like it *too* much. On the other, teen boys aren’t much like the grown men in the books, major let down when I learned the fun stuff, came with the headfuck of working out what the hell they were thinking and why they acted one way in private and another in public..yeah..ungood.

As someone who lives in AU, I can say, a massive amount of Greeks and Italians live here.

Ok here’s my list. I call it the Mousy Secretary Rules of Romance

1. Although captains of industry and able to make billions at the drop of a hat, millionaire/billionaires are incapabable of using contraceptive devices correctly hence all the secret babies and hidden mistresses.

2. While we thought the billionaires were in their boardrooms making business deals, they were actually in in the boardrooms making babies with their mousy secretaries.

3. There are Greeks, Italians, Sheiks, and Spainiards everywhere, but only tall ones.

3b. All Greeks, Italians, Sheiks, Spainard and to a lesser extent French and Argentinians are over 6 ft. tall.

4. Millionaires/Billionaires must force/trick/coerce and black-mail their mousey pregnant secretaries into marrying them because heaven knows no mousy secretary would want to be married to a drop dead gorgeous millionaire/billionaire.

5. There an awful lot of French and Italian counts,Dukes, ect out there seducing their mousy secretaries even though both countries abolished their monarchy a while ago.

6. Although millionaires/billionaires are extremely promiscuous before they find their mousey secretary, because their love is true they are faithful after marriage and extremely offended at the thought that they might not be.

7. All the millionaire/billionaire’s ex-girlfriends/supermodels are extremely bitchy and un kind to the current mousey secretary/love of the millionaire/billionaire.

7b.The bitchy ex-girlfriend/mistresses were unfaithful too and has made the millionaire/billionaire distrustful of the mousy secretarie’s love.

8.There are a lot of hidden countries in Europe that no one has ever heard of that have lonely, troubled bachelor princes looking for their own mousy secretary to love.

8b. There are also a lot of hidden countries in the Middle East that no one has ever heard of that have lonely, troubled bachelor sheiks who are also looking for mousy secretaries to love and kidnap as proof of their undying love.

So this is the perfect forum for it...can anyone recommend a good historical category read for me? I always get intimidated by the selection at Powell’s and then whimper off to the tea shop with some familiar Nora Roberts or Jennifer Crusie in my arms.

When I was small - probably 5 or 6 (about 1957 or ‘58) - my mother bought us a book titled something like “Growing Up” (I can’t find a reference to it online, though my Google-fu is usually pretty good).

My main memories of it are a photograph of a cock treading a hen and the statement that a woman’s egg is “smaller than the period at the end of this sentence” and the sperm is even tinier.  I’m fairly sure there was also a photograph of a sperm entering an egg.

So I figured I knew what was what.  I don’t recall being particularly surprised by the filmstrip we were shown in ... seventh or ninth grade, explaining menstruation.

I was, however, majorly fuzzy on mechanics.  I mean, my brothers and I had baths together, graduating to solo baths as each of us reached the age of 6 or so.  Somehow, that little dangly thing popped out sperms. 

Fast-forward to ninth grade or so.  Another girl and I walking home from the bus stop found a really, really nasty piece of porn lying in the street.  One of us read it, then passed it to the other.  I don’t recall the title, or any specific scenes - only that it made the mechanics (and quite a few things I’d just as soon not have known) very clear.

It made The Canterbury Tales much more interesting.

(My father had a doctorate in Am Lit, and our shelves held a beautifully illustrated (no, not those pictures) modern translation as well as a version in Middle English)). 

I read the Tales first as a sophomore, having gathered when my brother was assigned the book as a senior that there was Something Of Interest But Not In The Textbook Version.

A beard, quoth he?
Tee hee, quoth she
And clapped the window to.

I thought it worth mentioning in regards to Canada that I’ve actually read a Harlequin Superromance book that takes place in Alberta, “Into the Badlands” by Caron Todd.

I went to high school with WAY too many Greek and Armenian boys . . . all of them tit-high with tufts of hair peeing out the back of their shirts.

That made me laugh so hard I almost peed, too.

Greeks and Italians are pretty damn common in Australia, really.  But I must mix with the wrong crowd, because I’ve yet to see one of these Boardroom Billionaire ones that are supposedly so thick on the ground.  (Particularly with accents - you’d think the families of Italian billionaires must have worked their way up over here, Australia not being a traditionally attractive place for rich Europeans.) Then again, I live in one of those cities that isn’t Sydney or Melbourne and thus doesn’t exist in Romancelandia.

Maybe I should get my professional admin self down south to find one to snare with my haphazard hairstyle and sassy (okay, crass) northern speechifyin’.  Except that I hear it’s cold down there.  And full of rich wankers.

Kim said: “8b. There are also a lot of hidden countries in the Middle East that no one has ever heard of that have lonely, troubled bachelor sheiks who are also looking for mousy secretaries to love and kidnap as proof of their undying love.”

Lol - I remember one of the first categories I read had a sheik from a country I had never heard of. I was only 12 at the time so I decided to check out the encyclopedia. Imagine my heartbreak when I realized it did not exist.

My word but45 - But at least I will always have my Australian Greeks.

Ha, my introduction to the romance genre was through categories. One was an impossibly sweet medical romance set in Glasgow (I reread I don’t know how many times) and another one was a very racy silhouette. I stopped reading after a certain number of pages… but then some point later I started liking what it said and picked it up.

I’ve been feeling like reading a medical romance for ages now, and I browse futilely through ASDA (Walmart in UK) looking for one I’d want to read but all the babies, fathers and them having a previous relationship in the blurbs/titles makes me not want to buy them. Big turn offs for me are having children/pregnancy as a catalyst for the relationship or resuming a relationship that was previously established.

I recently came across the smartbitches site and can I just say I’m in love?

I’m completely obsessed with historical romances. Occasionally I find myself embarrassed about naming the book I’m reading when asked. I then swear to pick up a national best seller or something I can proudly proclaim that I read--and maybe have an intellectual conversation about.

...then I laugh and pick up the new Christina Dodd.

GOOD THING I FOUND THIS SITE!

I am Canadian. But I have to admit, the few times I’ve come across a romance novel with a Canadian setting, I’ve shuddered...in horror and immediately returned it to the library.

The guys come across as such sweet, nice, asexual weaklings. Especially the mounties. It’s just embarrassing.

I want to read about a big, brawny Canadian man who will throw the heroine up against a wall and “kiss her punishingly”.

Enough of the “chaste kisses”. I want some double entendres and sizzling euphemisms. I don’t care if a few beavers and “ehs” are thrown in...just give me a Canadian alpha male for once!

Michelle, I’m with you on that score. I am tired of the stereotype of the non-descript, vanilla-flavoured Canadian male, rugged and plaid-shirt-wearing, but with no real personality.

Being from Canada yourself, don’t you agree that we have such a huge array af people here that you would imagine a novelist capable of coming up with something a little more interesting than a regurgitation of the mountie from Due South?

Hey, I’m not saying that a guy like that might have some residual appeal, but it’s been done and done again, am I right? And this country was settled by sexy, brawny men and impetuous, adventersome women of all description, social class, and ethnic background--I would like to see that reflected in a romance novel. I think a historical setting involving Canada, written in a historically and culturally accurate way would made a marvelous setting for some steamy romance.

I keep talking and thinking about it, maybe it’s time I do it. And it sounds like if I did, I would have some readers out there :-)

Hey, I’m not saying that a guy like that might have some residual appeal, but it’s been done and done again, am I right? And this country was settled by sexy, brawny men and impetuous, adventersome women of all description, social class, and ethnic background--I would like to see that reflected in a romance novel.

Well it’s not Canada, and it’s not even Romance, it’s mystery with romance (and some lovely sexy scenes). But Dana Stabenow, who is a native of Alaska, writes books that really bring the area to life. Her Kate Shugak series (about an Aleut investigator) is full of real people. One of my favorites centers on the good time girls that followed the gold rush north and ended up marrying way up.

I can think of two really good Canadian categories. One is called “A Nice Girl Like You” by Alexandra Sellers. It’s set in Toronto between a photographer and a journalist - nary a secretary, billionaire, or pregnant mistress in sight! The other one I read forever ago, but it was about a French Tahitian woman in Canada who ended up hosting a French cooking show and had to marry the hero to get a visa (the network didn’t want to sponsor her because they thought they should hire locally-grown French Canadians for French food, although anybody who thinks French Canadian food would be anything like Tahitian food just because they both speak French needs their head examined). I believe that one was in Vancouver. So yes, they’re out there!