TheEmpress’NewClothesbyJaidBlack

by SB Sarah Friday, March 16, 2007 at 10:48 AM
Our Grade:
C+
Title: The Empress' New Clothes
Author: Jaid Black
Publication Info: Ellora's Cave 2002, ISBN: 0972437703
Genre: Science Fiction/Fantasy

This has to be one of the most campy erotica novels I’ve read, and after I agreed to suspend reality and go along with the absolute outrageousness - and the nonstop sex scenes and moist channels, I mostly enjoyed it. Kyra Simmons, a mild-mannered accountant, brings her best friend Geris to a meditation retreat - one of the funniest opening chapters I’ve read in awhile - and as they exit, two mammoth 7-foot-tall men in leather appear in the parking lot. Zor Q’an Tal, High King of Tryston, Emperor of Trek Mi Q’an galaxy, Keeper of the Large Cock and Many Apostrophes, has been told he’ll find his Sacred Mate in the “first dimension” (aka earth) and lo and behold, he can rip the clothing from Kyra’s body telepathically. She is his Sacred Mate!

L’et us go t’hrough the d’imension’al portal to Tryston, emphasis on the ‘tryst’, and let the campy humpity hump begin! On Tryston, the warriors are large, well-endowed, and constantly horny for sex. With formal speech that recalls a overly-stylistic historical novel, Tor and his brother bring Kyra to Tryston, where Tor finds that (a) he really really really REALLY wants to hump Kyra and bind her to him as his Sacred Mate already, (b) Kyra is not at all accustomed to the shall we say forceful and directorial method of mate management employed by Trystani warriors, and (c) as much as she’d like to do the trysty with him, she’s got some other bones to pick first, not the least of which is her own kidnapping.

But oh, this is campy erotica, and soon the fine, fine 10 inches of fizznuckin’ put to rest Kyra’s concerns about her career, her life on earth, and her newfound subjugation at the hands (and other parts) of Tor because that fizznuckin’? Damn fine, apparently.

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Categories: Reviews by Author, A-CReviews by Grade: C

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Comments

Picture of Teddy Pig Teddy Pig said on...
03.16.07 at 12:09 PM |

“Tryston (or as I called it, Planet Nooki’e!)”

Hehehehehehehehe

“Who owns you? Who is your master? Whose cock do you wish to fill your moist channel? Who is the sole possessor of the remote control?”

LOLOLOLOLOL!

Picture of Yvonne Yvonne said on...
03.16.07 at 12:37 PM |

“mammoth 7-foot-tall men in leather”

Sounds like a great way to avoid writing a mid term on the impact of post-modern theory on anthropological thought and practice.

Besides, I’m stuck upstate in a snowstorm and not getting any fizznuckin’ of my own. *sigh*

Picture of sleeky sleeky said on...
03.16.07 at 04:18 PM |

Is Jaid Black channeling Karen Marie Moning or vice-versa?

Picture of CantateForever CantateForever said on...
03.16.07 at 04:37 PM |

Can I say how much I have missed the whited- out spoilers? Those are some of the best parts of the reviews- you know, the parts that make you understand the plot enough that you have to pee you pants at the snarkalosity of it all.

Oh, and in refernce to the storyline, my word is covered97, and the heroine is not. *Giggle*

Picture of dl dl said on...
03.16.07 at 07:25 PM |

Sarah...go for it, but for me the campiness got old very quickly.  The thing about the law requiring women to sleep with their legs apart so the rodent creatures can lick their privates, finally grossed me out enough to quit buying.

Sleeky...JB is waaay campier than KMM.

Picture of Teddy Pig Teddy Pig said on...
03.16.07 at 07:50 PM |

OK you made me buy this thing…

It is all your fault now.

Picture of msbunburyist msbunburyist said on...
03.16.07 at 09:05 PM |

You made me buy it, too. What can I say? I had to see what intergalactic sex would be like.

Picture of Angel Angel said on...
03.16.07 at 10:31 PM |

Awesome review. Funny and, while it made me understand why you got a kick out of the book, it totally gave me a good enough sense of the content to realize that I would hate this thing--and probably all of Black’s other stories-- with a fierce, seething hatred. I cannot abide total domination of females by males. While a little light bondage of girl by guy, can be oodles of great fun, I want to know that the heroine is living the life she wants the way she wants outside of and inside the bedroom.  Yanno?

Anyway. Thank you. Somebody elsewhere had recced her works without mentioning the female domination stuff and I actually ((sudder)) came, like, this close >< to subjecting myself to one of my major antikinks.

Picture of MamaNice MamaNice said on...
03.17.07 at 04:49 AM |

When an author chooses a pen name (which I’m assuming must be the case here)so juvenile as “Laid - I mean, Jaid” I just can’t move past that first bit of awfulness to discover what horrors await inside...unless the book came packaged with some free sex toy or something - that might be fun!

Picture of CatMcC CatMcC said on...
03.17.07 at 11:06 AM |

I couldn’t handle the constant references to her “wee cunt.” It made me picture Groundskeeper Willie, or Shrek, neither of which I want to picture when reading erotica.

Picture of Invisigoth Invisigoth said on...
03.17.07 at 02:54 PM |

LOL @ CatMcC.  Thanks a lot!  I now have a very bizarre image in head that I can’t get out!

Picture of Suzanne Suzanne said on...
03.17.07 at 06:54 PM |

The characters and plot of this story (tho I haven’t read it) seem strikingly familiar to another book I read years ago:  Warrior’s Woman by Johanna Lindsey (1990) and it’s sequel Keeper of the Heart. 

Tedra De Arr needs to rescue her planet Kystran, and there are huge barbarian warriors who ignite a raging fire… you get the picture.  Anyway, the see-through dress thing is in these books, and the muscle-bound tyrant thing too.

Does anyone else see the similarities??

Picture of DS DS said on...
03.17.07 at 07:48 PM |

It sounds to me a lot like a John Norman book in his Gor series.  Those books set my teeth on edge.  I really dislike books about dominance, including Story of O.

Picture of Teddy Pig Teddy Pig said on...
03.18.07 at 08:34 AM |

Good god!

This story went on and on and on…

OK enough with the cutesy sci-fi speak.

She passed up a prime scandalous moment of intergalactic no no nooky incest with a brothers in arms orgy theme.

I mean it should have been called The Empress’ Next Orgasm or The Empress’ New Semi-interesting Kink

Picture of Marissa Marissa said on...
03.18.07 at 12:06 PM |

Ok, so everyone realizes that Jaid Black is the founder of Ellora’s Cave e-book publishing, right?  Of course her books are campy to the extreme. 

I still love them anyway and I have all the books in this series!!

Picture of Lauren Lauren said on...
03.19.07 at 07:17 PM |

For the time it was written, I think it’s a great story. It’s not going to win any great awards and I’m still laughing at the remote control comment but that book was written when there wasn’t a whole hell of a lot out there that wasn’t straight up porn or filled with manroots and purpled shafts.

I think, adjusted for the fact that it was an early ebook, one of the first ebook romantica titles and an early book for Jaid as an author, it’s not bad at all.

I have fond memories of it, LOL, it was one of the first books I bought from EC.

Still, this review is up there in the top ten favorite SB reviews of all time. (and eww, wee cunt? wee and cunt together don’t equal sexy to me)

Picture of azteclady azteclady said on...
03.20.07 at 04:44 PM |

Suzanne, I thought the same!

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