They make lead sunglasses, don’t they?

Because you’ll need them after looking at these fine specimens from Lady Aibell Press.

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Sarah: Michael Jackson’s chin, a string of pearls and a scarf of poop – the latest in vampire sex fetishes.

Candy: No no no. One does NOT put anal beads into one’s mouth!

Oh, who cares. One end of an asshole is as good as another, I suppose.

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Sarah: *crickets*

Baba O’Riley: “That’s it! I AM NOT COMING OUT! EVER!”

Candy: I don’t think there’s much I can add to this that’d make this cover any funnier. Just the fact that it exists in all its wifebeater-wearin’, self-ass-grabbin’, gold-plated-garbage-truckin’ glory is enough.

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Sarah: Think they have a Cooterfest in Humper County?

Candy: Clipart + crappy texture effect + OH MY GOD THAT TITLE = WIN. And by “win,” I mean “laughing so hard, I have an asthma attack.”

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Sarah: Wow. Her breath is so bad, he won’t even agree to a hummer until she has a nuclear-sized breath mint. Now THAT is some morning stank breath.

Candy: Given the stink lines wafting off of her, is she gourmet in the way kopi luak is gourmet? Is she freshly-emerged from some civet cat’s digestive tract? One can only wonder.

Comments are Closed

  1. Kaite says:

    When did white trash become a subcategory of romance novels? Because that’s the only way I’m thinking a gold plated garbage truck enters into anything. Anywhere.

    Is that K-Fed on that cover, looking dodgy under the hat, trying to vanish with his guitar into that lady’s armpit?

  2. Teddy Pig says:

    T. C. Allen is a prophet of our times.

    The Philip K Dick of Romance.

  3. Kaite says:

    OMG, I just noticed that T C Allen is the author of the judge/smarmy, low rent Oliver Platt guy and the inept ho who can’t figure out male biology cover!!!

    Does s/he *ask* for such frightening covers? I seriously, seriously hope not.

    *covers her eyes*

  4. Karmyn says:

    I’ve seen covers on porn movies that were more dignified than this.
    Surely LadyAibell.com is just some giant joke that got out of hand? Please?

  5. hollygee says:

    That halitosienne on A Gourmet Meal has a big ol’ hole in her ear, not an ordinary lil hole. Is it another orifice, uh, for eating that meal?

  6. MamaNice says:

    So, if it’s “vampiric” calling, does that mean you’re like a vampire, but not? Sort of like how Wacko Jacko is like a human, but not.

    It’s so good to know that Uncle Kracker can still find work!
    Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

    Oh, and Jane Wiedlin too.
    Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

    I do believe I’ve driven through Humper County…it was on my way to Graceland.

    I’m sorry, there are many depraved individuals, who do all sorts of DISGUSTING things – but I am going to take a chance here and say that I don’t think anyone has ever found halitosis sexy.

  7. Katie says:

    Wow. I was not aware that there were jobs out there for Microsoft Paint experts.

    And Candy, WHY and HOW do you know about jumping, rotten cheese and crap-coffee?

  8. Stephanie says:

    Sometimes I swear you bitches have found the world’s worst cover but then you go and trump it. Please don’t trump these. No, really. Please.

  9. Najida says:

    Mama!
    I thought you were daid!

  10. It’s touching that you two fell on these covers and took the hit for us, but if you really want it to be meaningful, you should go the extra mile and read one of T.C. Allen’s books. 

    If you dare!  Bwahahahahaha!

  11. Jackie L. says:

    After you guys finish your non-fiction oeuvre about romance, you should write one about rare and disgusting foods of the world.  I eat hospital cafeteria food and you guys gross me out!

  12. Joyce says:

    Those… I mean surely… they can’t be real covers. People buy those??

    That’s so incredibly tragic, especially when you consider the thousands of sophomore art students who could make you a better cover in 15 minutes for twenty bucks. I’d do it for them for $15.

    Srsly. Call me, peeps.

    Oh the irony—my spam control word is quality44.

  13. BevQB says:

    Oh, I think Darlene has a BRILLIANT idea! In the tradition of Joan of Arc, your sacrifices would truly be more meaningful if you would only read a few of these Lady Aibell

    books

    stories

    atrocities for us.

  14. iffygenia says:

    And now I have stuck in my head:

    She was gettin’ bombed,
    And I was gettin’ blown away,
    And she took it in her hand,
    And this is what she had to say:
    A pearl necklace.
    She want a pearl necklace.
    She want a pearl necklace.

  15. Qadesh says:

    Here!  Here!  Darlene’s idea has profound merit.  In the interest of scientific and educational research, a SmartBitches review of one of the Lady Aibell odes is definitely called for.  Hmmm, what should it be “Fang Shui”, “Humper County Vampires” or perhaps the Lady Aibell favorite “Dear Judge”?  Any suggestions bitchery?

  16. shaina says:

    i…actually googled and found the dump truck book. hillbilly #1 finds hillbilly #2 (also his best friend)screwing his wife, discovers he hasnt been satisfying her for the past FIFTEEN years of their marriage (she was only fourteen when they married, and according to her, that makes her now 25), and also that she’s pregnant. oh, and hillbilly #2 has a “Johnson” that reaches to his knee, apparently.
    The book is in hillbilly #1’s POV, replete with “Homer and me”s etc.
    I think i need to go barf now, or maybe wash my eyeballs out. Or read some Nora to get the badness out…

    verification word is cost13—if that thing costs more than thirteen cents, its a ripoff! actually even that might be a bit much…

  17. PlainJane says:

    That mish-mosh group of people on “Gold Plated Garbage Truck” is SO badly Photoshopped together…I think the blonde on the end is a cartoon!  And what is that creepy guy in the flannel shirt holding behind Jane Wiedlin (you nailed that one MamaNice!) that is smoldering away in the background?

  18. Bella says:

    Does anyone else hear “TinkleTinkleTinkleTinkle” when they look at Vlad creeping up on Daisy Mae and her Kickapoo Joy Juice?

    Why the hell is that chick eating the necklace that’s GROWING OUT of her neck? Does it have something to do with the coonskin cap the elf/vampire is wearing? Pointy ears, nostrils that don’t line up, oh and the trees are going to attack any minute…. for the love of Frigg, WHY?

  19. Nora Roberts says:

    Oh. My. God.

    These are the best EVER!! Humper County Vampires. Gold Plated Garbage Truck. They don’t even NEED the covers to win!

    But the Gourmet Meal one is creepy. Is he sucking out her soul after he gets her to say Ahhh! (Kinda like that episode of Buffy where she has the demon roommate in her first year of college. Or Kyle MacLachlin in The Hidden.) And why does her soul smell like that?

    And the Michael Jackson with pearl-eating blonde zombie one is pretty creepy, too.

    But I don’t care. I want a Gold Plated Garbage Truck, and when I get one, I’m going to Humper County to hunt me some vampires.

  20. L.E. Bryce says:

    If Sarah and Candy want a review copy of a LA book with a pearl necklace that A. doesn’t involve vampires or hillbillies and B. doesn’t have a cover that sucks, they’re more than welcome. Unfortunately, that cover artist doesn’t work for LA anymore.

    I also have other titles on my website (http://www.lebryce.com/books.html) that they might enjoy.  It’s all m/m epic fantasy.

  21. Kalen Hughes says:

    But I don’t care. I want a Gold Plated Garbage Truck, and when I get one, I’m going to Humper County to hunt me some vampires.

    OMG, this must be the plot for the next sequel to John Carpenter’s Vampires. Nora Roberts, driving a gold plated garbage truck, hunts vamps up in the hallas*. I’d so see that movie.

    * that’s the “hollows” or backwoods for those who don’t speak hick.

  22. Teddy Pig says:

    I love it when comments come with redneck translations.

  23. snarkhunter says:

    I think I very much want to meet T. C. Allen. I want to know what on earth possessed him/her to write “hillbilly” romances.

  24. Mhari says:

    Dear GOD!  *dies laughing*  Those are impressively bad.

    hollygee, I think it’s supposed to be a pearl stud.  I’m more perturbed by her weirdly malformed ear cartilage. 

    And, you know, the rest of the cover.

  25. Qadesh says:

    LOL!  Kalen, that’s BRILLIANT.  Nora’s conquered Lifetime, now it’s her turn at SciFi.  And like Stephen King she now makes personal appearances in films made from her stories.  I’m liking this more and more.  Where’s my popcorn?

  26. Tina says:

    Whoa…were these on sale in legit bookstores, or just those pocket shelves at the local truck stop? 

    Sadly, these covers remind me of the Zowie Yaoi incident and it’s initial cover:


    Come to Butthead…

    After much criticism from creators in the ‘pro yaoi’ community [I was vocal for about a week] they changed the cover and then tried to streamline this into stores.  =_=; It was a darkly hilarious time.

    It’s nice to know that drive-by attacks on cover-art aesthetics, can happen to any genre for women, even the “legit” ones.

  27. Chicklet says:

    I am utterly gobsmacked. Does anyone at Lady Aibell realize what a disservice they’re doing to their authors? I mean, these books could be Jennifer Crusie quality and I’d never know, because the covers make me run away screaming.

    Methinks someone doesn’t understand the role of the book cover vis-a-vis increasing sales.

    *looks at Gold Plated Garbage Truck cover again*

    …aaand now I’ve developed an uncontrollable twitch of my left eyebrow. Thanks, Bitches.

  28. P.N. Elrod says:

    :Collapses, screaming:

    My eyes!  MY EYES!!!

  29. Jaynie R says:

    *giggle* – oh wow.  I just have no words.

    But I do want to be in the gold plated garbage truck when Nora goes hunting.

  30. Funky Cthulu says:

    Perhaps the man on the cover of Gourmet (who, incidentally, looks like he is a wax statue from Madam Tussaud’s) is actually draining out gaping-ear lady’s life force, ala ‘Sleepwalkers’?

    It could be a good (by which I mean cheesy) tag line for the front cover – “Diana thought she was getting the meal of a lifetime…but the main course would be a real killer!”

    Terrible covers aside, I’d pick up Garbage Truck and Humper County just for the hell of it. In fact, I’m pretty damn curious right now.

  31. Myriantha Fatalis says:

    That’s not Jane Weidlin … it’s Liza Minnelli, who was obviously drunk off her ass when she agreed to do that cover.

  32. Ann Bruce says:

    I would LOVE to see the sales figures for these books.

  33. taybug says:

    Wow…ummm…I, uh…words, they fail me…

    wv: lack…yes, lack is quite appropriate here

  34. L.E. Bryce says:

    I would LOVE to see the sales figures for these books.

    Getting those sales figures is difficult even for the authors sometimes.  Statements aren’t monthly, as with some other publishers.  However, some authors with large followings do manage to sell.

    From experience with other publishers, I can tell you that some publishers don’t really care what their authors or readers think about the cover.  Some have the firmly entrenched idea that erotica and/or romance is pulp and therefore rates a cheesy cover worthy of 1950’s science fiction pulp magazines.  If you want to see a detailed example of this, I have a page on my website dedicated to it:

    http://www.lebryce.com/coverart.html

  35. Jennie says:

    I still can’t believe she’s eating the anal beads.  Sort of like the old joke about the difference between oral & rectal thermometers—the taste!

    Red neck romance?  No thanks, I’ll go back & re-read my keeper shelf.  🙂

    farm21—how apropos for my antispam word.

  36. Wry Hag says:

    I’m enormously grateful for these liberating covers.  For years now—oh, countless, tortured years—I’ve been waiting for society’s unmentionables to become part of the lexicon of love.

    Cold sores, tatts that resemble bug splatter, men with too-red lips, reeking auras, fecal fetishism, women pretending to rub themselves seductively because they’re really trying to cover up and/or smooth out those nidgly little pimplettes on their thighs…  AHHH, I breathe a sigh of pure relief as I see such things brought out of the closet!

    Romance, it’s time for that group hug with life’s realities.  HUZZAH!

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