Smart Bitches Trashy Books | All of the romance, none of the bullshit.

Things to Do When I am the Heroine

1. Marry the Italian by sunset.

2. Have the Greek Tycoon’s sekrit baby.

3. Nab me a Navy SEAL.

4. Toss my hair in a way the hero finds alluringly feisty.

5. Have a romantic crisis brought about by a simple miscommunication.

Things to do when I’m the Hero:

1.  Avoid giving punishing kisses.  No matter how seductive and paralyzing they are for the heroine, they actually make my lips hurt.

2.  Take a second look at my mistress.  Overt lustiness is not a bad quality to have.

3.  Be nicer to the heroine’s parents.  Though it may be true that they deliberately and maliciously ruined my family, I haven’t heard their side of the story.

4.  Maintain my unbelievably astute business sense.  Being able to dabble on the ‘Change whilst I’m bedding whores as an impetuous youth attending Eton and thereby becoming one of the richest men in England in a few short years is totally cool.

Thanks, y’all, for making my day better!  I love these lists.

Things to Do When I am the Heroine

6.  Pay attention when my father/brother/guardian is practicing all that silly war stuff.  Notice those swords are big and sharp.  My spunkiness will not hold up against them should I decide to charge into a battle.

7.  Don’t just bribe my trusty maid to tell me all about sex - bribe her to stand as lookout while the stableboy and I get it on.  What, have you not seen those lovely muscles he developed working on horses?

Things to do when I’m the heroine (with apologies to a New Yorker article I read last night):

1.) Never stand in front of a mirror and describe myself mentally in the first chapter.  Just get on with the hair-brushing.

2.) Never tell my friends, co-workers, and family things they already know for the sake of the reader.  “Oh, you always play tennis on Tuesdays, unless it’s raining and you hit the gym!  Also, you divorced my my mom three years ago.”
“....yeah. I know.”

29. I will force myself to look concerned and not hungry when someone accidently cuts himself.

That just made me giggle.

Ok now this is just eerie, my spamword is cut13 (insert spooky music here...).

Things to do when I am the Heroine:

1.  Get stinking drunk and sleep with the hottie bartender.
2.  Start chain smoking.  I can quit whenever I want to.
3.  Get stinking drunk and sleep with the hottie who came to the party with my best friend.  Spend the rest of the novel extremely conflicted but very very fulfilled.
4.  Waste my inheritance on a very expensive sports car and live off my rich cousin. 
5.  Get stinking drunk and sleep with my rich cousin’s husband. 

This post courtesy of Miss Goody Two Shoes who is about to turn 40, has 3 kids and a sweet husband who cooks and cleans.  The advantage of doing all this ill-advised stuff in a novel is that there are no consequences.

Things to do as a heroine:

1. Make more money than the hero.  Cause, you know, Sugar Momma Rocks.

2. Masturbate.  I can reach fulfillment on my own TYVM.  (Buy toys qualifies here too...) No need to lose sleep just because that stubborn Hero is making me horny.

3. Check out said stubborn Hero’s absurdly good-looking duo of also rich, also attractive, and also incredibly good in bed.  Make out with them a few times...especially that tragically dark, angsty one. 

4. Accept the expensive clothes, shoes, hats, etc., the Hero buys for me.  They make me look hot, and feel good about myself.  What’s wrong with that?

Science Fiction and Fantasy fans have compiled quite a few such lists over the years. Some of them are compiled here:
http://www.sff.net/paradise/lists.htm

Oh you know that is the funniest thing I ever read. I will be posting this. The funniest were near the end. I personally liked the one about not beathing being a handy skill. hah! Brilliance.

Please reconsider taking 50 condoms...you never know when an emergency will rear its head.

Too true, SB. However, in Anita-land condoms only come in XL. i.e., Micah. Does Costco carry XL?

For those of us who are British, condoms would be the only appropriate thing to carry in a fanny pack.

Things to Do When I Am A Regency Heroine:

1. When the hero tells me not to do something because it is dangerous, I will listen. While taking orders from a man may be beneath my anachronistically feisty feminist dignity, having to be rescued by a man while my petticoats are on fire from his evil Viscount half-brother is equally beneath my anachronistically feisty feminist dignity.

2. I will treat my servants with respect, but reserve. That way when they catch me in a passionate embrace with the hero in the orangery, they will have the sense to keep quiet but they won’t ask for details (or worse, offer advice).

3. If I have to have an affair with the stablemaster, I will have the sense not to couple with him in the actual stable—it’s unhygienic, the straw and manure on my clothes will be sure to attract unwanted questions, and will only result in more work for him when we inevitably frighten the horses into a stampede.

4. I will treat my parents with respect and affection, if not obedience - as old-fashioned and irrelevant as their ideas are, it worked for them in their day.

5. I will avoid men with outlandish and anachronistic names like Raven, Damian, Orion, Apollo, or Odin. If their Georgian parents thought that was an appropriate name, they cannot have had a firm grasp on reality and there’s an excellent chance such instability could be genetic.

6. It is as easy to fall in love with a rich man as it is with a poor man - a choice between a sexy, alluring, kind valet and a sexy, alluring, kind Earl shouldn’t be nearly as hard as everyone else makes it out to be.

7. If I am compromised and forced into a hasty marriage, I will immediately treat my husband, regardless of his reputation, with respect and kindness, instead of bewailing my fate and repeatedly listing his endless sins. Forever is a long time—I might need to save some cutting insults for down the road.

8. If I take an instant disliking to a man, I will step back and think instead of immediately making some feisty, anachronistically offensive remark. First off, being rude will only reflect badly on me and my family. Secondly, odds are good that I’ll only end up unaccountably, irresistibly attracted to him later and it will only cause embarrassment for all concerned at our wedding brunch when my improper and hasty comments are repeated in the context of a hilarious wedding toast.

*Ahem* I have never seen a condom sized medium and small.

Things To Do When I am Anita Blake:

1. Figure out where the hell Edward went, because he was freaking awesome. (I feel that the proportions of Edward and Anita’s crazy sexing in the books are inversely proportional. Did I completely miss him in the later books, other than him just casually dropping by firearms?)

2. Learn to love my penguins again, only in a way that kinda balances the fact that I kill shit for a living. Penguins are cute, yes, but their cuteness does not serve as a proxy for my cuteness.

3. Stop reveling in how I can kick ass despite being 5’ tall.

4. Run around with some decent hair shears so that if I do insist on shagging all the men/werefolk in sight, at least they’ll have a decent freaking hair cut and not be undead or leopard Fabio wannabes.

5. Learn. French.

6. Straighten my hair, or do SOMETHING, with it.

7. Consider scar surgery.

8. I totally second Sarah - go back to my day job, because it was awesome.

9. Learn some flipping occlumency so that Jean Claude has less brain sex with me.

10. Go back and time and run away into the sunset with Edward before I’m stupid and he gets all pansy-ish. Have little magical voodoo furry babies.

I wonder if a pallet of rubbers from Costco would fit in a fanny pack.

Who the hell wears a fanny pack in this day and age? Outside of serious bolderers and such, I mean.

Yay for tourists!

1.) When I am hiding a potentially damaging secret about myself or my family, I will not devise an elaborate scheme to set it all right. I’ll just spill my guts to The Hero. Look, he’s rich and powerful and has lots of important alliances – he might actually be able to help me out.
2.) If The Rake promises he’s going to seduce me, I’ll put a little stock in his claim. Related: If I decide to boast I’m immune to temptation, I’ll be speaking facetiously, of course.
3.) Once I’m generally regarded as a spinster, I’ll immediately expect a wild offer of marriage.
4.) If I am snowbound with the Hero in rustic yet charming cabin, I won’t engage him in petty disputes. Such arguments, while clearly signifying sexual tension, tend to make me look shrill. Also, they delay the inevitable arrival of a long, naked tumble in front of a roaring fireplace.
5.) He’s Italian. He’s a Tycoon. He Bought Me For Revenge/Pleasure/One Night Only. As such, I will not expect a whole bunch of gooey, sentimental talk from him.
6.) I’ll expect any number of important missives to go astray, either with disastrous, fortuitous or entirely hilarious results.
7.) If I see something flicker in The Hero’s eyes, I’ll try not to assume too much. Could be desire. Could be concern. Could be angst. Could be a painful childhood memory. Could be his eyes reflecting a flicker from my own eyes. Eye flickers: They’re just a really bad bellwether. 
8.) I’ll expect my marriage of convenience to prove to be anything but.
9.) If I find myself experiencing the unfamiliar twinge of jealousy when The Hero flirts outrageously with another woman, I won’t go all to pieces inside. Instead, I will calmly evaluate why he would flirt with another woman mere moments after he feverishly kissed me, an interlude that ended when I forcefully (albeit halfheartedly) pushed him away. Oh wait: I get it.

winner: #62 While it may offend my dignity, whining incessantly will indicate that I am the protagonist, and will enable me to avoid the attentions of Heros.

love this site, finally delurking:

If I was Anita Blake:
1. I’d go to a deserted island and rest my vagina. It’s been hard at work for years and needs a break.

Resting a vagina...huh. Novel thought.

When I am the Heroine…

I will damn well ask for help when I need it.  No one gets points for doing it the hard way.

Just wanted to say (and it’s probably been said by now, because this window’s been open for hours): Firefox, View, Style, No Style. All the stupid colors and idiot font choices will vanish into a lovely black font on white background. Saves my elderly eyesight frequently.

Lizzy-*snort* That was so funny.  Thank you.  :D

If I’m the heroine:

I will not allow the Hero to manhandle me unless I manhandle him first.

I will not chew on my lower lip.  It hurts and makes them chapped.

Things NOT to do when I am the Heroine

1.Be a size 10 and not whine about being “ a big girl”

2. Not trust the hero just because he says “ trust me”

3.Not go out alone because I just HAVE TO if there is a bad guy that escaped prison whose only purpose in life is to KILL ME.

4. Not dream about one day being a mommy even though it’d be dangerous to the plot or my health because somewhere around page 179, I will be knocked up with twins.

5. I will NOT cry and whine and bitch about a man for 500 pages and THEN decide to spend the rest of my life with him just because he knows how to make my honey flow.

Can somebody please write up some legislation requiring authors (of all kinds, including accounting how-to books, BECAUSE YOU NEVER KNOW) to read these comments before they write anything?

I had totally blocked out all the “standing in front of a mirror and mentally describing myself” crap I read in my teens. YAAAAAAARGH!

When I am the heroine, I will not talk all the time about how wee I am. My waspish little waist, my petite little frame, my “how oh how can I kick so much ass when I’m only knee-high to a grasshopper” staure. If I was a real girl and tried that shit at brunch, I’d get smacked.
And when I am the hero (cuz you can gender-bed on SBTB! Yee haw!) I will put on a shirt and keep it on, because that’s what we do in polite society. Also? I will have no damn idea how to ride a horse, and I will be fine with that.

When I am the heroine, I will NOT:

1. SCREAM my orgasms. I may moan, sob, swear, yell, but screams will not pass these lips (har). I mean, what’s up with that anyway? Real screams would startle or annoy the hero, the dog and the neighbors.

2. Automatically assume the hero has done something, anything, to wound me. If I am angry or don’t understand, I will speak up like an adult. The hero will afford me the same consideration.

3. Let my hands shake when I touch the perfection that is the body of my hero. Hands flopping like trout on the floor is not the image or mood I’m looking for.

4. Have hair on my head that matches The Hair That Is Elsewhere because NO ONE DOES, they just don’t. Summary execution for anyone using “downy” or “tawny” in this context.

5. Let anyone repeatedly describe any part of my anatomy, including my hands, as “tiny” or “petite.” Fuck.That.

I will not chew on my lower lip.  It hurts and makes them chapped. Kaitlin, I agree completely.

Hey, SB Sarah, this has been unexpectedly fun, if not downright cathartic.

When I am Anita Blake…

I will get some fashion sense and maybe try wearing something other than Nikes and polo shirts.

I will see someone about that scar licking I seem to like so much

When I am the heroine, I won’t run out and buy all new clothes and have a makeover and lose weight and learn to walk in 4-inch heels and learn how to flirt in order to win the hero. If he can’t handle my chronic messiness, then it’s obviously not twooo luuuuv.

I haven’t laughed so hard since first finding the Evil Emperor list - though more for Anita Blake than just the vampires.

2 topics I’d like to suggest for someone more creative than I am:

When I’m the Other Woman, I’ll…
When I’m the Plagiarist, I’ll…

Guess we could consult Cassie Edwards on that one.

Seriously, y’all are funny.

When I am the heroine I will:

1. Not feel guilty just because I had sex with the hero, or anyone else for that matter, unless I’m already in a committed relationship.

2. Not freak out and second guess myself just because his ex shows up, she’s his EX for a reason.

3. Wear make-up/high heels/a push up bra if and when I feel like it without feeling like a tramp.

4. Have my own hobbies/interests/friends and I won’t ditch them just because the hero decides he doesn’t like them or they’re not ‘appropriate’.

5. Use birth control because shot gun weddings are not sexy dammit!

When I am Anita Blake I will:

1. Either dump the lot of them or get over my guilt about sleeping with every male I meet.

2. Sleep alone occasionally, at night, in a ratty old t-shirt, with a penguin.

3. Enough with the god-modding already, there has to be SOMETHING she can’t do!

When I’m the heroine I will not:
1. Let everyone walk over me until the last quarter of the book. I will stand up for myself from the beginning.
2. Tell myself I’m immune to the hero, and then act surprised at myself to find out that I like the hero.

Things I will do if I am a modern-day romance heroine.

1. No matter how passionate we are, I will insist on condoms during sex. Scratch that, if I have to insist on it, the passion will die.

2. I won’t have sex with any man that I don’t like or trust enough to tell him that I’m pregnant despite said protection

Things I will do if I am any romance heroine.

1. If the hero insists I can’t resist him, I’ll laugh, because that’s an insanely pompous thing to say.

2. If my friends and family insist the Rake and Cad is, well, a Rake and Cad, I won’t insist that they don’t UNDERSTAND him! Their brains aren’t hormone-soaked, so their understanding is probably better than mine.

3. If the hero refers to me as a whore for anything short of my telling him that I take Visa while we’re discussing sex, I’ll consider the relationship to not be going anywhere healthy.

I am enjoying this thread, and have quite the list of things I’d enjoy doing “When I’m the heroine...” (graceful sex while 8 months pregnant for starters)because what the hell else is fiction for?

But Darlynne...is this true? The drapes and carpet thing - they don’t match on most people? I’m a red head (never dyed it - yet), well, everywhere...and it’s pretty much the same shade - ‘cept where I’m going gray...on my head for chrissakakes...for now - sheesh, does that happen too? Oh God, it probably does.

Also - I looked up the def of “tawny” –adjective
1.  of a dark yellowish or dull yellowish-brown color.
–noun
2.  a shade of brown tinged with yellow; dull yellowish brown.

Not very complimentary, sounds kinda like poop, I daresay. Author was doing those poor pre-Clairol dull girls a favor!

>>Forever is a long time—I might need to save some cutting insults for down the road.

I loved this one!!

I will not chew on my lower lip.  It hurts and makes them chapped.

I have a habit of doing this when I’m concentrating.  It’s tranference from when I used to chew on pencils.  Doesn’t hurt and I’ve never had a problem with chapping except when it’s super windy.  :::shrug:::

But Darlynne...is this true? The drapes and carpet thing - they don’t match on most people?

I assumed she was referring to texture and how it seems Romancelandia persons have pubic hair that’s always “soft” and “silky”.

On another note . . .
When I’m the Other Woman
1.  I will not taunt the perfect, teeny heroine with how I’m banging her dude.  This will cause her to run away in a fit of pique and the hero will chase her and then where am I left?

2.  The very first time the hero shows up at my townhouse nattering on about this teeny, tiny Lady who’s just so annoyingly spunky, I will pack.  Quickly.  And maybe hit him up for an extra diamond necklace or two.  As a goodbye, you know.

All right, I’ll play. Things I’ll do when I’m the heroine:

1. When I’m the heroine, I’ll have sex in the pounding surf with smart sand, able to avoid all cracks and crevices.

2. When I’m the heroine, I’ll have sex in the front seat of a car without confusing the stick shift for a shifty dick.

3. When I’m the heroine, I’ll have sex with Johnny Depp and Matthew McConaughey, while George Clooney licks my toes…(like none of you have ever thought of this)

When I’m the heroine, I’ll have hour long orgasms, and then I’ll meet the hero…

Things to do when I am herione:

1) Upon meeting the hero, I will always and immediately tell him he makes me hotter than jam in a fresh doughnut. You never know; it might just speed things up.

2) If I find myself angsting over the hero’s affections for longer than one half-hour per day, I will go to the gym and work it off.

3) Upon meeting the hero’s bitchy-yet-hot ex-girlfriend, I will quell my insecurity with the happy knowledge that if the hero was mature enough to ditch this floozy once, he’s also bright enough to not take her back.

4) Before jumping to conclusions about the hero’s seedy past, I will always rigourously fact-check what I have been told and, where necessary, ask the hero himself for clarification.

4a) If the hero decides I am some variety of Fallen Woman, I will demand he likewise fact-check what he has been told and, where necessary, ask me for clarification.

5) I will educate myself about the trouble men have in expressing their feelings so that I will be capable of making reasonable allowances for the hero’s occasional idiocy and macho bluster.

Things I Will Do as a Werewolf’s Soulmate:

1.) Never share my comb, toothbrush, and nail clippers

2.) Invest in saliva cups and damned good flea-and-tick shampoo

3.) Refuse to search for and eat earmites

4.) Wrap myself in cellophane so no pack member other than my mate can smell my arousal/menses/steak-and-egg breakfasts

5.) Insist on the use of a dental dam, or maybe even Styrofoam, during oral sex

6.) Never play a song with the word moon in it

7.) Not be tempted to have pets

8.) Keep at least one spiritual rope connected to my soul should I ever decide to pull it back and give it to a being who doesn’t reek of dingleberries and carrion

9.) Knit paw booties in case we’re ever invited to participate in the Iditarod

10.) Ask my spiritual adviser how kosher it is to fuck a member of a different species

Things I will do when I am Anita Blake:

1. Spend a long afternoon with a Nordstrom personal shopper, exploring the worlds that are flats, blue jeans, and colors besides royal blue, red, and black.  I have an undead French bank, I can afford it!

2. Switch things up a bit and sleep with a girl.  The lesbian-phobia is so passe.

3. In a ceremony presided over whomever is supposedly gay (i.e. hasn’t slept with me yet), burn all fanny packs in my closet and invest in a nice backpack or messenger bag.

4. Visit a therapist.  A lot.

5. Consider the other options for churches out there if nailing everyone in sight is the antithesis of my chosen faith.  Worship happens many ways, mine just seems to be on my knees surrounded by the supernatural.

6. Girls’ weekend with Ronnie, in which we both get very, very drunk on wine and talk our issues out, because we’re happier when we’re both not passing judgement fast and furious on each other.

Things I Will Do Better As The Wicked Witch (That I Am)

1. Dart guns are far more accurate than apples.

2. Give the woodsmen a gun.

3. Clorox Ready Mops… No mop buckets, no water.

4. With that many poppies… Corner opium market.

5. Pressure sensitive bomb for class coffin lid.

If I were the other woman:

1. I will not freak-out and become a murderous psychopath just because the hero is dumping me.  I will go out on a shopping spree courtesy of his expense account instead.

2. I will not beg or otherwise demean myself to keep the heroes affection.  I will remind myself that there are other fish in the sea.

3. I will treat the heroine civilly and politely.  In my heart, I will hide my pity since I know the hero will likely drop her too for the next hot little mink that sparks his fancy. 

4. If they get married, I will send a cordial note of congratulations and a crystal vase in the bride’s pattern just to remind myself that I am a classy lady.

5. If worst comes to worst and the hero simply will not stop talking to me about his new lover, I will suggest he needs therapy since he can’t seem to move on.

Things I Will Do If I’m a Fairy Tale Princess:

1) Cut off my hair before the Hero climbs up it. In fact, cut it off and tie it to the wall, and then climb down it myself. It’s not like I’ll be able to run with two tons of that golden silk attached to my head anyways.

2) Practice my singing voice. It’s how the Hero will recognize me.

3) Wear a disguise to hide from the evil Wicked Witch and her henchmen. According to Superman, glasses should work.

4) Keep a watch on so my pumpkin won’t be destroyed before I get all the way home. Those glass slippers are not comfortable to walk long distances in. 

5) Exchange more than a sentence with the Prince. Sure, we’ll hump like bunnies, but what’ll we talk about afterwards?

6) Make sure my dad writes up a will afte he marries my stepmom. And then send a copy to my lawyer.

7) Make sure I get all the info so that spinning needle doesn’t do a sneak attack.

8) Remember old ladies are deadly, and if offering apples or bits of their house, the smart course of action is to either beat them down or run away from them.

9) Become a financial advisor to the seven guys I live with. For all the gold they find they sure aren’t spending it wisely.

10) Make sure to go pee after the Hero awakens me with my True Kiss of Luuuve, or there’s going to be an accident real soon.

orangehands...I love it!

If I Were the Plagiarist, I Would:

Invest in a thesaurus. That way that pesky bitchery can’t just copy and paste my work into Google and have my sources pop up all inconvenient-like. Of course, I’m probably too lazy to go out and buy a thesaurus (since I can’t even write my own material), so I’ll just put Thesaurus.com into my favorites.

*snort* Very funny Erin.

Orangehands you might also enjoy this little list borrowed from Sharron McClellan (with permission) about “princess rules” vs. “queen rules” on her blog Angryromancegrrl (http://www.sharronmcclellan.com)

Nobility, My Ass

My niece is really into the whole concepts of “Princess’s”. And (according to her) a big part of being a Princess is how to dress, finding a Prince to marry, and how one should behave.

On that note, I have my own rules for appropriate Princess behavior and this is not for kids:

Princess’s…
1. Don’t say ‘fuck’
2. Must wear panties
3. Don’t threaten to kill you and hide the body
4. Don’t ‘put out’
5. Don’t snort when they laugh
6. Don’t brag about their collection of 4” stiletto-heeled shoes and they certainly don’t wear them
7. Sit with their knees together (see rules 1 and 4)

As you can see, being a Princess is a bit of a bore. It’s better to be Queen! My rules for appropriate Queen behavior:

1. Rules? There are no RULES for being the Queens.

Which means, (if you think about it)… they can wear the rubber dress and 4-inch heels without panties and when they slip their boyfriend the tongue while he’s feeling them up, they can demand a good screw up against the wall. If he refuses, they can kill him and hide the body. And when they stand on his cold, cold grave (in their 4-inch stilettos of course), they will laugh and give a little snort.

It’s good to be Queen.

OOH Second Post!!  I’m so inspired by this post:

Things I Will Do when I am the Paranormal Heroine:

1. Believe in weird stuff.  You’re a vampire?!  I KNEW they existed!!

2. Insist that the Hero act his age, not his shoe size.  He’s well over a century, and he’s still acting like an ass?  Come on, grow up.

3. Demand that the Hero stay out of my mind unless invited.  He does NOT need to know every breath I take and thought I have.

4. Still find other men attractive and be able to appreciate them.  Also, I’ll hug them if I want, dammit.  Get over your rediculous jealousy and join the 21st century.

5. (This is for any genre) Have satisfying, great sex prior to meeting the Hero.  My first climax will NOT be with the Hero, unless I am a legitimate virgin.

6. If I am a legitimate virgin (whether by age or by choice) I will act like it.  If I haven’t had sex until now, I’m obviously holding out for something, and no matter how gooey the Hero makes me, until he gives me that (his love, marriage, whatever), he’s not getting any, either.

7. Finally, I will be sure to maintain my individuality, and not redefine myself by my relationship.  I have a man now...it’s not the end of the world.

Things I Can’t do (but kinda wish I could) Because I’m Not The Heroine.

1.  Pass out from an orgasm.  I’ve had good ones.  Even went deaf in one ear for about 15 seconds once, but loss of consciousness…

1a.  Be on the verge of orgasm when the hero accidentally brushes up against me.  Maybe just once, though.  That could get irritating after a while.

2.  Be jaunty.  My posture just can’t pull that off.  I try to do the yoga when I can, but...Ah well.

3.  Manage to snag the richest, most gorgeousest guy in the country dressed as an unwashed boy.

4.  Have a secret baby.  Well, maybe not.

5.  Wake in the morning and make out with the richest, most gorgeousest guy in the country without gagging because our breath could lay waste to middle America.

6.  Smell like flowers without wearing perfume or sometimes showering.  For a couple of days.

7.  Be feisty without apparently annoying the hell out of everyone around me.

8.  Not have to urinate for 300 pages.

9.  Out ride and out shoot EVERYONE.  I’d get a girl group together and go on tour with those kind of skills.

10.  Go to Madame Décolletage’s exclusive dress shop and have a new wardrobe custom made.  Who wouldn’t love that?

MamaNice, carpet and drapes! I never thought of that. My unscientific although fairly extensive polling (amongst friends) indicates that you are the first person for whom they match. I was born blond and still am, but suffered permanent teenage trauma when every romance novel made such a point of referring to the heroine as a “natural” blond or redhead. Obviously something was wrong with me, or so I thought until my friends admitted the same lack. By Romancelandia definition, however, I would never be considered a natural blond and that just pissed me off. So I figured this was yet another impossible beauty standard, but perhaps I’ve been wrong all along and they are supposed to match. Well, at least I won’t need therapy.

Lorelie, you’re right about the “soft and silky” part. I’m guessing, though, that “brillo” wouldn’t set the right mood.

Darlynn and MamaNice,

What I always heard was that the carpet generally matches the eyebrows and not necessarily the hair on the top of one’s head.  I haven’t done extensive poling but this has panned out in my experience.  That said, however, I am a natural red head and all my hair is some shade of red.  I don’t know if that counts as matching or not. ;)

If the hair on one’s head is black or very dark brown, the carpet usually matches. It’s hard to get darker than black.

On the other hand, once it starts to go gray, the carpet tends to take longer to do that than the drapes…

darlynne, I also thought something was freakish about me for years with my non-matching carpet and drapes.  My eyebrows (etc) have always been considerably darker than my natural hair colour, which never seems to happen in the books.  Then again, all romance heroines have silky hair with dramatically beautiful shades, so why would they need to dye it in the first place?

thanks Brit Blaise

T Meyers: yeah, i want to be Queen. maybe not do the stuff on the list, but definitely be Queen. (although the whole ruling a country can get annoying, so maybe be a retired Queen. all the perks and none of the annoyances).

Darylnne, Ocy, etc.
This whole angle is so interesting, isn’t it? I never really thought much about it before...being a redhead, I have had the occasional crass question about it matching, and I was always like, “Duh - yeah.” Maybe I should start polling friends too! Anyone an Ob-Gyn on the board?
On the whole hair issue - what always gets me in historicals is the fact that the chicks are probably pretty darn hairy...everywhere. Leg hair is so not mentioned when the hero slides his hand up her silky limb.

If you are talking about color, some hair is exposed to sunlight and may be lighter than that in places that are not. Heh, yeah.
Talking about texture, if the hair on your head is pin straight and silky, it’s like that elsewhere, I know that for a FACT. AND if you let the hair on your legs grow, after a while it’s kinda soft too.

Also, I want to be an Evil Queen, always rooted for Cruella et al.

Speaking of hairy women, I think I am remembering the case correctly, but as I recall John Ruskin freaked out over the fact that his new wife Effie Gray had body hair.  My understanding is that neither he nor the new misses knew that women had body hair in general.  He was basing his knowledge on nude women from art and Effie, being a virgin, believed Ruskin when he claimed she had a grotesque malady.  Anyway their marriage was annulled on the grounds that it was never consummated.

Also, on a less tragic note, in the second Gabaldon book about Jamie and Claire, doesn’t he freak out when she removes her leg hair at some French friend’s house?  I think I remember correctly.  I certainly remember finding it terribly funny at the time… which was years ago now.

My brain, it’s bouncing all over the place.

When I’m the Other Woman, I’ll…
... boink the Other Man like there’s no tomorrow.  Because, y’know, he’s hurting and in need of some serious lurrrrving.  Rebound sex is powerful stuff.

When I’m the Plagiarist, I’ll…
... have the brains to use a pseudonym, to spare my family the shame of being related to me.

And if the Hero ever calls me a ‘whore’, first I’ll ask him if that’s just wishful thinking on his part, because the only way he’ll get Teh Sex is if he buys it.  And then I’ll beat the shit out of him - or get my newly enamoured Other Man to do it for me.

And when I’m Queen, I’ll frakkin’ delegate.  Any man who fails to perform as promised loses both heads.

jocelyn - yes! I knew there was a thing about leg hair in one of DG’s books - but I couldn’t recall the specifics. I’m going to have to look that passage up...I remember thinking (not for the first time) how I love Jamie Fraser - my husband can’t stand any form of leg stubble, and it can be kind of a pain in the ass sometimes. How great would it be to have a man who just loved me au naturale?!?

being a redhead, I have had the occasional crass question about it matching, and I was always like, “Duh - yeah.”

I hear ya! 

When I was in the Air Force, I heard it several times (especially from one geeky little loser) “So, you have red hair--are you a real redhead?? Can you prove it? Heh heh heh.”

Finally, fed up, I put on my softest, lowest, most Southern accented voice and said, “Hey, would you like to find out?”

He stammered and said, “Wha-what?”

“Oh, sure, come over here and I’ll prove it for you.”

So he crept a little closer.

“You have to get really close if I’m going to prove it.”

He got very close. 

I pointed to my eyebrows.  “See?” I asked in a completely normal tone of voice.  “They’re the same color.  It’s natural.  Satisfied?”

It was the very last time he said a single word about my hair color.

Tina - that was classic awesomeness. Nice job!

I’ll have to remember that one...and teach it to my daughter when she’s old enough...she has strawberry-blonde hair, and at only 4 - gets (I’m NOT exaggerating here) at least 15-20 compliments on it a day. It got to the point when people would tell her how pretty, etc her hair is she’d just say “I know.” I had to remind her of her manners.

Now she says, “Thank you, I know.”