Smart Bitches Trashy Books | All of the romance, none of the bullshit.

This week, we’re beating up on Dara Joy covers once again. We can’t help it. Deep, deep down inside, we’re just Really Bad People. Now, make no mistake, we feel bad that Dara seems to be having one mother of a legal tussle with Dorchester Publishing and has had to resort to self-publishing her books, but damn, there is no excuse for these covers. Perhaps it’s part of her plan to make her readers feel the same pain she’s going through in a really visceral way?

Candy: This cover uncovers a whole new world of hurt. (Har har, I said “cover uncovers.") First of all: THAT HAIR. WHY GOD WHY? If Louis XIV had been fed a non-stop diet of LSD and crack, he still would’ve rejected that wig as too tasteless and far-out. And those incredibly creepy eyes. Evil, unnatural, yellow eyes, searing into my brain. And his mouth just looks weird. If this guy grinned, I bet we’d see a bunch of needle-sharp teeth. It would explain the misshapen pout. And… And… Words fail me. It’s just so BAD. How could anyone think that cover was good enough to release? Even a plain black cover with just the title embossed on it would’ve been better. If something like the creature on the cover tried to hop into bed with me, I’d shriek and throw one of my cats at him in the hopes they’d morph into Battle Cat and help protect me or something. No, wait, on second thought, he looks like he’d actually enjoy molesting cats. And gerbils. And various and sundry small, furry woodland critters.

Other crimes against humanity committed on that cover: the font, complete with terrible PhotoShop effects, and that hideous sparkly pink background, clashing merrily with the guy’s sallow skin and hallucinogenic hair. Mommy, please make the hurting stop.

Sarah: Oh. My. Gooooooooooooood. That is like, when self-publishing goes horribly horribly wrong.  I have a few things to say:

1. “Cover Artwork by Dara Joy” - When bad covers happen because of bad writers?

2. People are paying money for this! BIG money for this book! Why? Because that is one big breathtaking cover right there. Woo damn. People will pay top dollar for Dara’s house of Photoshop.

3. I love that excerpt from her website: people bustled, and her eyes are gleaming in anticipation. Is this book one big cliché? Is the only exception the cover? Because that cover, it is not the cliche. It is a nightmare. Enquiring minds want to know!

Sarah: I don’t even know where to begin with the mocking of this cover. I love the poorly-Photoshopped headband on his head, and with that expression, it looks like it hurt, that headband application. He looks so familiar. Maybe he’s from a porno? He kinda looks like Travis Tritt, only with a really smarmy look about him.

Candy: You are so right about him looking like he could be a pornstar. He also looks like he could be a meth dealer. (And hey, pornstar and meth dealer are hardly mutually exclusive occupations.) You know where you probably saw him? COPS. Maybe one of the “Tazed and Confused” episodes.

God, that greasy wig is driving me crazy. I just want to grab an industrial-sized bottle of shampoo and hose him down.

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