The deal: a whole novel summarized in snarky little vignettes. With thumbnails. It's magically delicious. Part 1 is here; don't read any of it if you don't want an eyeful of spoilers. Or profanity. Or animated GIFs of throbbing hearts.
At Daphne's
Daphne: Sprung from jail! I was going to kill those suckas if they didn't let us out soon. It's good to be rich and white. Oh wait, I'm still a woman. Suck.
Rupert: You're pretty when you're angry.
Daphne: Shush, I just had a bright idea. We probably should've done this first instead of waltzing off to Giza.... But this way we get to fight some thugs. FUN!
Leena: Lady, just lock him up and screw him senseless already. This "sublimation of sexual desire through action" thing you have going on is giving me a migraine.
At the Merchant's
Vanni Annaz : *gurgle* Cherchez Ramesses. *gurglegurgle, dies*
Daphne:
GODDAMMIT. And cherchez Ramesses? Bitch, please. I mean, there you go saying something that sounds like it might be a clew and it turns out it's nothing really related to anything in the plot. YOU BASTARD.
Hapless Thugs : Surprise!
Rupert:
Prepare to get tossed, fools! *proceeds to toss fools*
Not-So Hapless Thugs : *bonk*
Rupert: OUCH. Also: Concussion's a bitch. *passes out manfully*
Daphne: Feel the wrath of Horus, son of Isis!
Statue of Horus : BONK
Hapless Thugs : Ow! Scamper!
Egyptian Cops: What's all this, then? Another dead body, you say?
At Daphne's
Daphne:
Noxley has gone after my brother without bringing me along? Sexist pig. After him!
Rupert:
A river cruise, whee! I am SO going to lose balance on the boat and fall all over her hot azz.
On the River Nile
Boat: LURCH
Rupert: Look at me, losing my balance and shit. Whee, boobies!
Daphne:
My fists, they say "Ka-powity-pow!" (But my eyes? They say "YES! YES! YES!")
Rupert:
Booooobies.
Daphne:
Idiot.
Somewhere else on the River Nile
Other hapless thugs : OK, Ingleezi scum! Be prepared to read some brown thingums!
Miles:
Now wouldn't be a good time to tell you that my sister's the brains behind this outfit, right? Right. Errrr... I need my notes.
Other hapless thugs : This leetle piggy went to market... This leetle piggy got HIS MOTHERFUCKING HEAD CUT OFF...
Other other thugs : HA-HA! We have taken over the boat, and we declare a thug fight! Cut! Slice! Dice!
Other hapless thugs : URK! GACK! GLURK! Man, we suck at fighting.
Miles:
Time to split! Oh shit, more thugs waiting at the escape pod! Think... think...
Ghostly Miles:
"Tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow creeps in at this petty pace from day to day until the last syllable of recorded time...."
Other other thugs : Ack, community theater Shakespeare! Embrace us, O River! *sploosh*
On Daphne's Boat
Rupert:
Horny. Horny horny horny. HORNY. Plus the boat's not moving, so I don't have an excuse to fall on her again.
Daphne:
Pffff, you're not the only one who's stewing, bub. Instead of doing anything, I'll just talk to you and accidentally reveal my true feelings about my dead husband.
Rupert:
Hey, we're near Memphis. Think you might find a broken bit of stone with some doodly writing over which you can get unnaturally excited?
Daphne:
I thought you'd never ask.
At Memphis
Daphne:
Whoa, a broken statue of a pharaoh! Now I'm going to run off at the mouth and totally, for real give away the fact that I'm the scholar, not Miles.
Rupert:
Care to tease a proposition from me, babe?
Daphne:
I was talking about prepositions, you big, stupid lumm--mmmph! Oh. Mmmmmm.
Rupert:
*totally Frenching*
Daphne:
*totally Frenching back*
Rupert:
*stops Frenching first*
Daphne:
Whuh? Oh. KA-PLOWITY POW POW!
Servants: Oh no, we're not ogling AT ALL. *whistling*
Rupert:
Oops. Curse you, Mrs. Pembroke, and your sexy, mysterious mind! And your sexy, mysterious ass! Um. Wanna go look at some pyramids?
At the Pyramid of Steps
Rupert:
Right, I am SO squicked out by all these pieces of thousand-year-old dessicated corpses crunching under my bootses, but I will remain manfully tight-lipped about it.
Daphne:
Let's go into the pyramid, so I can talk some more about hieroglyphs and drive you nuts with my proximity.
Rupert:
Right. In again, out again, staring at doodles for hours, mmm-hah that was fun.
Daphne: Oooooh, another piece of rock with indecipherable ancient writing on it. Let me just turn it over and OH FUCKING HELL.
Rupert:
Oh look, a viper. I will go into bullfighter mode and save you, fair lady! Toro! Toro! Hemingway, eat your goddamn heart out.
Daphne: Am I out of danger? Oh good. Buh. *faint*
Rupert: This is a GREAT excuse for me to carry you, and then scold you in a really adorable way about how you over-exerted yourself, all on account of a bunch of falcons wearing odd-looking hats.
Horus : Fuck YOU, buddy. You try going through life being the product of a brother marrying his sister and having a crazy-ass uncle bent on stealing the throne. My headwear is the least of my problems.
Daphne: Zzzzzzzzzz.
said on...
said on...
said on...
04.12.05 at 05:18 AM |