Smart Bitches Trashy Books | All of the romance, none of the bullshit.

Hmmm...from where I sit eight or so hours a day, I’d say that there’s one kind of pairing that most readers would deem unfathomable in the blink of an eye.

That would be a hero without a penis.

I’m not snarking. Just saying, take a look at the hero’s role in most romances, and our society’s definitions of masculinity/virlity, and see if you can imagine it.

ha, I did the same sort of subject about shape shifters at my blog. . .what animals simply cannot fly as a romantic hero shapeshifter. Didn’t even try for what a female could or couldn’t be.

There was a book a couple of years back set in modern times based on Beauty and the Beast and the beast was a guy with a horrible deforming disease. Horrifically ugly and he’d never be anything but H.U.. No turning into a handsome prince.

My favorite version of Beauty and the Beast is Sleeping Beastly. He turns into a handsome prince and Beauty says “Oh igh! oh igh! what have you done with my beast?” It was an audio tape my kids listened to all the time. Maynard Moose tells it and I even got over being annoyed by his style, I liked that version so much. It featured dancing broccolis.

Nope, Eddie, can’t imagine it. Now I wish someone would write it though. Cool idea…

“...a hero without a penis...”

Au contraire! I’ve definitely read a couple of short-story romanticas where the hero was lacking a certain something in the trouser department. I think they were by Robin Schone in her Kensington anthologies.

I’ve also read a category with a parapalegic hero who doesn’t recover and another where the heroine had a mastectomy. Blind heroines (and a few heroes) probably have their own sub-genre by now. Most disabilities in romances aren’t very physical, though. Mental illnesses of the PTSD-kind seem more common, possibly because they’re both “invisible” and the consequence of heroic behaviour.

But I’d say that some of this might be partly to do with the fact that it’s a lot harder to write about sex in such cases without becoming overly prurient, or sounding like some of those colourful magazines for gentlemen with (ahem) “special” interests.

Forgot to say that what annoys me most of all in romances with a disabled h/h is when they recover by the end.

Yes, in Romancelandia the lame walk and the blind see because of the power of lurrrvvve. Aaarrggghh! Mouth frothing aaarrgghh!

I recently read a Harelquin Next novel that featuers a paraplegic hero whose *um* equipment didn’t function properly anymore.  I have to say, the love scenes were some of the hottest I’d read in a long time.  Emotional, sexy and touching.

And in case anyone cares - the book is Old Boyfriends by Rexanne Becnel.

I’m not saying that a hero sans penis can’t be done, or that it can’t be done well--as you point out, AuntieP, it has been done.

But the phallocentrism that drives lots of romantica, or even, I’d argue, some straight romances that focus so much on a hero who is “all man”, is not something to be ignored. I’d make the same argument for a hero with erectile dysfunction. A situation in which a hero doesn’t have the classic equipment for lovin’ is often perceived as an inability to perform, rather than simply an opportunity to be creative--as in, nothing’s as good as “the real thing”. I happen to think that this line of thought is crap, but thus my point for posting.

The problem isn’t that a hero without a traditional model of male plumbing is impossible, but rather that lots of readers would just flat-out not give it a chance. The challenge would come for the author to make the reader put the phallocentrism aside for awhile.

I was mulling over this topic when I saw your post, Eddie, and it confirmed what I’ve been thinking about … which is that as long as the writer can convince me that despite the hero’s appearance he is still irresistibly attractive to the heroine (or vice versa), I can accept pretty much anything.  Cal, the hero of Jeffrey Eugenides Middlesex does have a penis but it’s only about 2cm long … and I still loved this hero and completely bought the love story in the book.  Okay, Middlesex is not a romance novel per se, and maybe the issue goes back to our definitions of the genre of romance – are romance novels only novels we read to escape, and in which case do the heroes/heroines have to be the epitome of attractiveness?  A definition that would rule out Flowers from the Storm and countless other classics.  Some days I want to read about the kind of hero that Judith McNaught specialises in: successful, gorgeous men, fantastic in bed and irrevocably in love with the heroine … but I’ll read about any hero just as long as he’s irrevocably in love with the heroine.  I think it’s all down to the writer’s skill in convincing us of the latter.  And sure, I’ll admit that it might take a genius to convince me that any woman finds chronic urinary incontinence hot, but as Bobby Kennedy might have said if he’d read more romances ‘Some men see things as they are and say why. I dream about romance novels featuring men with penises that don’t work and women with urinary tract infections and say why not.’

My impression, though this could be changing, is that there are rather strict physical requirements for the hero with regard to size, hair, and physique.

Btw, in sff, Vonda McIntyre’s The Moon and the Sun has a dwarf or almost dwarf hero who was charismatic and attractive.

Great example regarding Middlesex, runswithscissors. But you bring up the important point that asks whether romance novels are a form of escape, of fantasy, and then Jorie, you mention the strict physical requirements for heroes and heroines. Here’s what I’ve come across…

My line of work involves bein a part of the generation of endless tales featuring heroines ranging from blindingly beautiful to plain and unnoticed and from terrified and virginal to seasoned, cool and independent. Though our readers tend to love the variety of heroines with whom they can identify, though, the fantasy aspect comes packaged--forgive the pun--in the hero. The best sellers are always the ones in which the hero is the quintessential alpha, and that alphadom is embodied in great height--sometimes 7+ feet in paranormal or fantasy stories--huge muscles, and the inevitable enormous dong. So I think it’s verrrry interesting and deliciously transgressive for authors to prove that there can be “perfect”, utterly sexy heroes with some quite apparent imperfections, especially in some of these jaded departments.

Also, I love the Bobby Kennedy quote. Totally made my day.

Another example of a fantastic “dwarf” hero, again in SF rather than romance, is Lois McMaster Bujold’s Miles Vorkosigan.

Are there any romance novels that omit sex entirely?

I’m quite new to this genre, but find it mostly enjoyable so far.  I do like reading about the hero and heroine falling in love, and getting to know each other, and finding their way to the HEA, but I tend to skip over the sex scenes. 

I’m just not interested in that aspect of relationshhips.  (My own libido is nonexistent.) I’d like to read a romance without sex - preferably without even the “we want to jump in bed and do it RIGHT NOW but we’re waiting until the divorce is final/the war is over/we get married/etc” variety.

This probably wouldn’t be classified as an “untouchable” - no pun intended - but it’s something I haven’t seen yet.

“The challenge would come for the author to make the reader put the phallocentrism aside for awhile.”

‘tis true, Eddie. These were very much the exception rather than the rule, but I do like that it’s not totally inconceivable these days.

Your point reminds me of how even after romance discovered oral sex, it still remains very much the “warm-up” act. Heroines still don’t usually come without the requisite eight-or-whatever inches of hot love rod doin’ its studly stuff. Of course, this could be solely due to the misplaced clitoris that’s been mentioned elsewhere on this site, but I suspect otherwise.

Of course, the other side of the coin is that the heroine also must be ultimately capable of feeling sexual satisfaction with the hero. So I haven’t encountered any FGM in romance (I’m not exactly looking, I must admit) and we all know what happens to those frigid heroines… it’s the paaah-waaah of luuurrvvee to the rescue.

Oh, absolutely, Auntie P. And that, of course, assumes that the heroine has to WANT the hot love rod in her weeping channel, and that she HAS a working weeping channel, and that she isn’t really okay unless she wants said love rod in said weeping channel. So someone with no interest in penetration wouldn’t be a well-balanced, likeable heroine--she’d be, as you said, frigid.

Forgot to say that what annoys me most of all in romances with a disabled h/h is when they recover by the end.

I’m 100% with EvilAunitePeril on this one. I loved Medeiros book YOURS UNTIL DAWN with the blind hero . . . right up until she cured him.

-Tonda

I’d definitely read a romance with a dwarf hero. Would anyone publish one? Maybe. Peter Dinklage of The Station Agent and Threshold has his fans, after all.

I’m a fan of Beauty and the Beast stories, so I’ve read a ton of deformed/broken hero/heroine stories over the years. One of my favorites involved a female painter hired by a deformed guy to paint his portrait. He had (I *think*) a disease/deformity rather than a scarring incident. Another favorite is Beast by Judith Ivory. The hero had a bum eye, a scar on his face, and a limp. Oh, and he was a perfumer who obsessed with the collection of ambergris (whale vomit) to add to his perfumes. Yum!

I was going to mention Miles Vorkosigan, but I got beat to the punch.  Miles is nearly a dwarf, his bones are extremely breakable, he’s in near-constant physical discomfort, and he’s one of the most compelling heroes I’ve ever read.  And Bujold has great fun thrusting him into love-story scenarios, and seeing how he fares. 

Which is all by way of saying that it’s totally possible to write a convincing lead character, romance or not, as long as the writing’s good.

Kiera,

That deformed hero book was the one I was talking about. Of course the HEA had to be trashed. Sigh.

Sarah:
Well the sex scenes worked in Old Boyfriends quite well - even without a functioning member (he he - I said “member").

Instead Becnel focuses on other aspects of love making, mainly benefitting the heroine.  Lots of strategic touching and tongue action....if you get my drift.  Also, the hero gets off thankyouverymuch, although obviously not the traditional way since the equipment doesn’t function normally. 

Conflict arises later in the story because the hero feels he can’t be the man he thinks the heroine wants/needs.  Hogwash of course.

I rather liked the book as a whole, although I suspect many would consider it standard women’s fiction stuff. AAR gave it a C rating I believe.  I gave it 4 Hearts over at TRR.  In case that makes any bit of difference :)

I think it’s been obliquely touched on already, but how about heroes who are morbidly obese? “Slightly overweight” heroines are practically a chick-lit institution, but even heroes in wheelchairs tend to have chiseled jaws and muscular arms. Seems like there’s a void in the market for men so large they can *literally* roll out of bed.

I don’t think that’s going to change anytime soon, either. In part, I suspect this is because it doesn’t fit the traditional hurt/comfort mold (usually the hero is a “victim” of whatever his circumstance, and obesity is largely viewed as something you do to yourself), and in part because anyone carrying around a few extra pounds would probably be less-than-thrilled to read a book that implied that their extra pounds were actually indicative of a lack of true love rather than the lack of a dietician and time for the treadmill.

And while we’re on the subject, is anyone aware of a romance with a disabled heroine?

And while we’re on the subject, is anyone aware of a romance with a disabled heroine?

Susan Mallory’s A Little Bit Pregnant, an SSE.  I liked it.  The heroine is wheel-chair bound after an accident.

For a disabled heroine, Mary Balogh’s “Dancing With Clara,” one of my favorites.

Balogh also has a deaf heroine in “Silent Melody”

If I Had You by L. Kurland has a disabled heroine. Kinda. She has a messed up leg, but it’s a medieval, so it’s not like she’s in a wheelchair or anything.

A couple of books that come to mind where the hero is not perfect…

Simple Jess by Pamela Morsi (I haven’t read this one, but the hero is considered “simple").

England’s Perfect Hero by Suzanne Enoch (hero has severe PTSD making him almost a recluse).

The Charmer by Celeste Bradley (hero’s arm suffered nerve damage in the war leaving it useless).

Castles by Julie Garwood (hero has a bad leg where a shark took a bite out of his calf).

I think it was Lorraine Heath who did a Western historical where the hero was injured in the Civil War and one-half of his face was severly scarred and he lost an eye. 

Mia Ryan did a novella in “The Further Observations of Lady Whistledown” where the hero suffered a mild brain injury in the war.

As for heroines, I know I read an Amanda Quick where the heroine had a riding accident as a girl which left her with a twisted foot or something.

I was also disappointed by the Mederios book where the blind hero recovers his sight.  It would have been much more interesting if he had remained blind.

Catherine Anderson did a romance with the heroine who is a parapalegic.  While she can feel things during sex, her nerve endings are all wonky.  It takes her and the heroine a while to work things out.  While I didn’t care for the book overall - she decides she must leave him for his own sake - hate that kind of storyline - the sexual aspect of the book was actually very well written.

I am soo glad that people have mentioned Miles Naismith Vorkosigan, probably my all-time favorite male protaganist.  He is so awesomely wonderful.. Charismatic, fascinating, 4’9”, hunch-backed(only a little), with a head too big for his body and tons of scars.  Also prematurely aged from years of pain.  And yes, through the series, you see him have big crushes, and go through two mega romances.

I say bring it. If there isn’t a market, one should be created. People aren’t perfect, and it’s time that real people get the fairy tale, too.

I don’t know if anyone else said it, but A Civil Campaign by Lois McMaster Bujold is totally a sci-fi/romance with a dwarf hero and it’s totally excellent.

I’m not published and I don’t write romances, exactly, but I have a story in the works with a heroine with Crohn’s (I’m writing what I know).

I’ve read a romance that had a paraplegic hero who couldn’t have intercourse.  It was A Man Like Mac by Fay Robinson.

I’m not sure if he was a dwarf, but Armand from Pamela Morsi’s The Love Charm was short.  He reminded me a bit of Miles Vorkosigan.  Morsi seems to specialize in “imperfect” characters.

I’m working my way through AAR’s special title listings for Less Than Perfect and Beauty Is in the Eye…

Tonda, that was my problem with Yours Until Dawn too.  I always hate when disabled characters get cured.  My Crohn’s can’t be cured (at least not yet) so it just really annoys the hell out of me that it seems the only way a couple can truly have a happily ever after is for the disabled character to be perfectly fine at the end.

“Are there any romance novels that omit sex entirely?”

If you’re looking to branch out from the category lines that close the bedroom door, AAR and other review sites often give a sensuality rating, which you might find helpful, Megan.

Sans-nookie romance is harder to find, but regencies, inspirationals, chick-lit and some crossover-type books sometimes focus more on either the relationship or just the heroine. Very nice it is for cleansing the palate too, and in some books it really builds the tension.

I’d add Laura Kinsale’s Flowers from the Storm.  Hero is naturally a rake, world class sex machine, blah, blah, blah, but suffers from a severe stroke.  Heroine is a major big time Quaker who is brought in to help him learn how to talk/function physically again.  I want to stress the majorness and big time-ness of the heroine’s Quaker-dom.  Her character, as Kinsale has crafted it, would never have gone for the hero in his healthy, fully functioning state.  There relationship is strangely antagonistic, even acrimonious.  Not in the way that convey’s an abnormal amount of sexual tension, but in the way of two intelligent people who genuinely annoy one another.  Watching them overcome this, as well as serious cultural/class differences (which Kinsale doesn’t gloss over) and his stroke issues is like watching must see tv (when it was actually good).  As for his disability, the hero gets back the kind of function that a mild to moderate stroke victim would get back after months of grueling therapy: limited.

Good read.

EvilAuntiePeril - Thanks for the suggestions!  I’m heading off to the bookstore later, scheduling for plenty of time to browse. :)

Well, I use fanfiction to practice my writing.  I’m currently writing Grima Wormtongue as the male lead in a romance because I liked the challenge of writing the unlikely hero.

Interesting.  I would definitely buy a book featuring a dwarf hero.

I’ll throw in another recommendation for Miles Naismith Vorkosigan, the dwarfish hero of Lois McMaster Bujold’s books.  And while he’s not a romantic hero by any stretch of the imagination, the protagonist of Stephen Donaldson’s “Gap into Space” books is seriously fugly but a fascinating character.  And it’s the pretty boy in that series who’s the putz.

A Silhouette Intimate Moments title has the hero in a wheelchair with both legs amputated to the knee. Another Side of Dawn by Justine Davis handles the topic pretty well for such a thin book and the fact that the hero is drooly worthy doesn’t hurt either!