Smart Bitches Trashy Books | All of the romance, none of the bullshit.

“I loved the passionate, uninhibited sex.”
I’m very sure he did.  Did his wife love the “Sorry I can’t get it up tonight, because I’m banging a pubescent girl” excuse? 

You sir, are a tool.

LOL! If called his chicky on the side a slut after he had sex with her for the first time then he IS an 80’s romance hero—one taken directly from a Diana Palmer category romance.

And LOL Shannon! I would love for that to have been incorporated in Abby’s response.

Dear In A Quandry,

You sir, are a tool. I have forwarded your letter to your wife and chicky on da side, and they will take care of this little problem for you.

Sincerely,
Abby

My God. A classic case of a man blaming everyone but himself for what an asshole he’s ended up being. Is it just me, or did he totally take no responsibility at all for his actions? “She ripped my clothes off.” Yeah, right, like a man who won’t leave his wife is such a prize catch and a stud.

I would guess the real story is this: guy had affair, woman on the side got tired of him and moved away, he sent her a card because he wanted more sex and is now in an uncomfortable position because his Chick on the Side is taking some of his lies (Sure I’ll marry you) as Truth This Time. No man EVER bangs his mistress without promising that someday he’s going to marry her. Argh.

Then again, I’m a cynic.

What I loved was Dear Abby’s answer - that he should tell his chippy exactly what he had written his letter. I’m assuming she means he should include the “I still love her, and I certainly enjoy making love to her—but how do I tell her that it’s fine for us to sleep together in LA where she lives, but not here in my hometown?”

Um...what about the fact that it’s NOT okay for him to sleep with her ANYWHERE, in LA or on the moon? 

Wake up, Abby.

Meanwhile, I hope his wife is getting it on with the pool boy or the shirtless guy mowing her neighbor’s lawn.

How do I tell her that it’s fine for us to sleep together in LA where she lives, but not here in my hometown?

I have just one word to say to that.

Pig.

My favorite part:

“Abby, an affair like ours was fine 15 years ago...”

ROFL! Only a total pig can think an affair is ever okay. Ask the wife if she minds that 15 years ago, he was banging Cindy Cheerleader.

I wonder if these letters are made up—would a guy really ask Dear Abby this?

I can imagine him as a paunchy middle-aged man who owns a used car dealership, cackling to himself as he wrote this letter to Dear Abby and patting himself on the back for how clever he is. The letter is totally fake. I think he meant to submit to Penthouse Letters. “Dear Penthouse, I never thought it would happen to be, but I managed to trick a 17 year old girl into sleeping with me...”

I don’t know about agony columns, but I used to write a veterinary advice column for a local paper - I should think I answered about 150 questions during the time it was running, and how many do you think were genuine questions from real life readers?
Two.
All the rest I made up.
But maybe Abby has a more lively audience.

What. A. Dick.

Picture this: a cozy little kitchen where Quandry and Mrs. Quandry are having breakfast.  Mrs. Quandry reads “Dear Abby” aloud as is her habit, then lowers her paper and asks, “And how was your trip to Los Angeles, dear?”

The Platonic Assclown. (Giggle. Snort.) You know, the first two times I read this, I totally missed the fact that she was a minor. This fills me with such crystalline, unrepeatable, untinctured rage I can actually feel the vein in my forehead pulsing. This is the kind of guy that makes Humbert Humbert look like a minor-leaguer.

Is it even possible for a man to be this goddamn self-centred, stupid, and completely amoral?

Whoops, just thought of Karl Rove. Guess it is…

*Is it even possible for a man to be this goddamn self-centred, stupid, and completely amoral?

Whoops, just thought of Karl Rove. Guess it is… *

Thanks, Lilith.  My monitor is now bathed in coffee.
I just read an article about Rove in Vanity Fair.  Then I took a shower.  I’m not all that political, but that guy creeps me out.

After reading about Mr. Quandry, I think I’ll take another shower.

As a sorority chick I must raise the BS flag and state that the probability this letter was written by a bunch of drunk, bored out of their minds college girls is high.  The real Abby would have known it and rammed it up their butts.

You know, reading shit like this reminds me of the days when I worked in the surgical clinic, assisting during vasectomies.  I have wielded the knife, ladies.  (And there is nothing like seeing a MAN up in those stirrups for once.  Yeeeaah, baby.)

Ahh, if only the assclown was here.  It’s been a while since I used the red-hot cautery on a set of drawn-up-in-terror testes.  I need to perfect my technique.

heeerrrreeee, assclown assclown assclown… heeheehee…

Is Abby even still around any more?

Isn’t she like… 200 years old?

I don’t get the whole “an affair like that was fine 15 years ago”
WTF???? This cannot be a real man. I refuse to believe it.
Can’t that old bag Abby come up with a more suitable response, like “go stick your head in the oven you FUNGUS” ?

The part where she is 17 and he is 40 is way too creepy.  I know after 16 sex is a-okay but, yuck.  Was this young girl a neighbour?  Or worse yet, a student?  Yetch!

Now that the girl is all grown up I can only hope that she is going to blackmail him.  ‘Oh, but I love you, I just have to tell your wife you are mine.  Course, maybe 50 thou would make me love you less.’

My husband told me about his boss (and I meant this male wonder) who was, according to him, seduced by a woman who wouldn’t take no for an answer.  A couple weeks later he gets a letter from her saying to pay her 30 thou or she would tell his wife.  He paid her.  Yep, I asked my hubby how he could hide spending 30 thousand dollars and he said that many men have a separate bank account where they put their bonuses and such.  An account that most wives don’t know about.

I do all our banking.

I know the letter may sound far-fetched but, I have heard too many real-life stories about bastards (male and female) to not look at this and think, could happen and probably has.

CindyS

Bam--Dear Abby is departed and the column in now written by someone else.

Abby’s daughter has taken over, I believe…

I especially adore the whole “We can boink like mad in LA, but not in my hometown. Goodness me, what would the Rotary Club think?” deal. Could he treat his chikontheside like any more of a nasty ho?

His thinking is nuts. I don’t want to hurt my wife. Too late, Penis that Walks Like a Man. You already did.

And she tore his clothes off. I’m sure he was beating this wildcat off the whole time. Please...Stop...Don’t....Don’t...Stop. Don’t stop....

Poor abused baby. Bet he trotted right down to the PD to file a rape charge afterwards, too.

Abby is right, though, His wife does deserve better. The aformentioned poolboy would be my suggestion, and barring that, get herself a BOB. At least she knows where that’s been.

I was just reading a news item on Netscape that, although tragic, made me laugh out loud and think of Mr. “In a Quandry”.  This could happen to him if he isn’t careful…

ATLANTA (AP) - Furious that their romance was ending, a 78-year-old great-grandmother shot her 85-year-old ex-beau to death as he read the newspaper in a senior citizens home, police said.

``I did it and I’d do it again!’’ Lena Driskell yelled to officers who arrived at the home June 10, according to testimony. Police said she was wearing a bathrobe and slippers, waving an antique handgun with her finger still on the trigger.