Smart Bitches Trashy Books | All of the romance, none of the bullshit.

Today’s confession: I once wrote a what-what-in-the-butt + zero-Gs scene back in the Paleolithic (ie before 1999) era.

Wasn’t very good, but I wrote it…

Under my Elspeth Potter pseduonym, I had a zer-gee story titled “Free Falling” in Best Lesbian Erotica 2003--it was a threesome.

http://search.barnesandnoble.com/booksearch/isbnInquiry.asp?z=y&EAN=9781573441612

Barnes & Noble lists it as available.

I’m remembering a movie, and I think it had John Malkovich in it, and he was a robot! There was zero gravity nookie there...Making Mr. Right I think it was called.

If zero-gee toilets use suction (yes, the shit is supposed to hit the fan), it makes me wonder if ejaculation would be possible or painful in a weightless environment.

I can also see where there might be issues over getting blood into tissue that needs to be erect for maximum effect.  ISTR that proper blood flow to the limbs is an ongoing concern in a weightless environment.

I’d still like to see that guinea pig video.  Now, that would be a Friday OMGWTFNSFW! video to share here.

Cause I’m Freeeee Balling…

It’s all about the docking.

I must admit that I’m reeaaalllly curious about the positions that required the “mechanical assistance” and what the “mechanical assistance” entailed.

*giggles* I think there’s an Elloras Cave title that has weightless sex that I reviewed.  I can’t remembered if I liked it or not, but I do distinctly remember some interesting acrobatics during it.

*grins*

“mechanical assistance” like jet thrusters?

She laid an egg?  Are you for real? 

See, people?  This is why I don’t read fantasy/sci-fi romance.

While this takes nothing away from the beauty of the article (or maybe it does and I am being nasty) I’ve had enough time to waste extending the post-working pre-cleaning period to come up with //blogs.guardian.co.uk/news/2007/12/sex_in_space_or_not.html. Which does or does not make the whole thing fiction…

Rosemary - I am so with you!  Laid an egg - Whatever!

Dammit Sarah!  Now I’ve got all kinds of distracting X rated mental pictures running through my head! I’m an analyst, not a sex researcher!

It’s kind of like when you hear about a mixed breed dog whose parents were from breeds of very different sizes (for ex., Great Dane and chihuahua).  You can’t help wondering how the parents, uh, did it.

At least, I can’t.

So, um, if you’re doing it in zero-g, is it like doing it in a hot tub, but without the water? Sort of floaty . . .  Like fiveandfour I wonder what sort of “mechanical assistance” was required?

My neighbor has a rat terrier-great dane mix. Cute dog, but I wanna know who thought to put those two together?

I wonder what sort of “mechanical assistance” was required?

I’m envisioning velcro kneepads and really big rubber bands.

Laid an egg or ovulated? The former is distinctly disturbing . . .

And I *heart* TeddyPig!!!

Only four positions were found possible without “mechanical assistance”. The other six needed a special elastic belt and inflatable tunnel, like an open-ended sleeping bag.

Mr Kohler says: “One of the principal findings was that the classic so-called missionary position, which is so easy on earth when gravity pushes one downwards, is simply not possible.”

Ah, so no inspirational romances in zero gravity?

I once submitted an entry to AAR’s Purple Prose Contest.  It was sex in outer space, and I remembered about the zero-g thing.  :-)

http://allaboutromance.com/ppp2000b.html#5

Ah, so no inspirational romances in zero gravity?

LMAO

Victoria Janssen said:

‘Under my Elspeth Potter pseduonym, I had a zer-gee story titled “Free Falling” in Best Lesbian Erotica 2003--it was a threesome.’

Turns out this might be the only kind of sex that’s really viable in space.  Following the links trail through to the Slate article, it seems the main obstacle to space sex is chronic low blood pressure resulting in a Mr Floppy instead of a Mr Stiffy. 

Now I have visions of recruitment campaigns for future all-lesbian missions to Mars ... “It’s the only way to ensure the crew stays happy, Mr. President.  We need more lesbian astronauts and we need them NOW!”

I read a fantasy erotica where the heroine laid an egg… it was deeply, deeply disturbing.  Actually, the whole story was.  It was one of those you only keep reading because you think it can’t possibly get worse… and then it does.

And I’m thinking of those big inflatable ball things you tow with a ski-boat in a whole new light right now.

That brings back memories of one of my favorite filk songs.

(sorry that it’s not a link. I have no clue how to embed one)

http://www.ovff.org/pegasus/songs/docking-maneuvers.html

A Reconsideration Of Anatomical Docking Maneuvers In A Zero-Gravity Environment

by Diana Gallagher

5:  Making love in a zero-g environment
may foster changes in our moral attitudes.
Nature provides for the planetbound,
but the state-of-the-art
in orbit must improve.
Desperate lovers may engage… space age sex aids.

6:  Together tethers would prevent random wandering.
Magnetic harnesses incorporating alternating poles
Would sustain an interaction electrically.
Rear-thrusters would supply
perfect docking control.
Entry speed and rhythm set, easy on the retro-jets.

When I first read the article a few weeks back, I thought they meant real guinea pigs. as in, the small, furry mammals. It didn’t click until just now. I was a little puzzled—“how did they get the guinea pigs to mate? How would that be applicable to humans? Don’t guinea pigs have one position anyway? Why would that be censored?”

*facepalm*

They let the guinea pigs read some Ellora’s Cave books before liftoff, Christina.

Angela Knight’s short story, Roarke’s Prisoner in the Secrets Vol. 2 anthology has a zero gravity sex scene.

FYI - I’m pretty sure the “Egg” book is an EC ebook by Jaid Black.  The title might be The Empress’s Clothes?  It was the first book of a series.  Should I be embarassed to remember this?

As I recall, the scene when she laid her egg(s) was hysterically funny. 

For the record, I did not know what I was getting into when I bought it and I plead ignorance.

All I can think of is, shit, I wonder what it would take to get my hands on those videos.

Perhaps I shall blame it on the crazy day I had at work, however, I also thought they were talking about guinea pigs, and I thought to myself, “Can you see a guinea pig penis on video?”

And didn’t someone have to manipu;ate the gp’s into position?

Apparently, my daily allotment of brain cells was drained at the office.

I don’t think the sex could have been that good if the code name only rated a XX.

I nominate these as the best comments ever!

Just thought of this.  Can you imagine the scene when whoever explains the missions to the astro- or cosmo- nauts, told them about these experiments?

“OK, ladies and gentlemen, you’ll be doing something a little unusual on this mission...”

Gives a whole new meaning to “The Final Frontier”, doesn’t it?

I think there’s a whole new market opening up here (hur) for erectile dysfunction drugs!

John Varley wrote a trio of books, “Titan”, “Wizard” and “Demon”.  The first book “Titan” has weightless sex.  Can’t remember how well written the sex was but the trilogy is excellent.  I remember a friend saying to me after I first discovered it how envious he was that I was reading it for the first time.  That review has always stuck in my mind.

Unfortunately I have just discovered this story is a hoax.  I can’t even describe how disappointed I am.

To my shame, I also read that Jaid Black book. erm ...

I read SF and several books have discussed the sex in zero-g. Velcro and tethers are usually involved.

And for ejaculation ... since every action does have its consequences, I had an image of a man zipping around the compartment, rather like when you release a blown-up balloon.

There’s a Lois McMaster Bujold book (can’t remember which one, bugrit!), where the hero has to sleep in a bed that had previously been used for the aftermath of an antigrav “session” (dear lord, I just typed “sexxion” - freudian finger slip). It was in a self-contained bubble and had such facilities as its own heating. Unfortunately, the linen was not at all fresh, and when it warmed up, it wasn’t pleasant.

Then there was an Asimov short story where a guy was going to get it on with a space hooker, and he had the swankiest room rented with an antigrav unit. First he had the save the world, and then his ball-breaking cow of a wife stopped him from getting it on with the hooker and the antigrav. Ah, late-60s sexism.

There was a Rudy Rucker story somewhere… Semiotexte SF maybe? Or some SF sex anthology maybe… where they made the first porn movie in space. I seem to remember they were wearing roller skates, but I might have made that up.