Categories: Random Musings
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by Candy • Thursday, June 07, 2007 at 03:23 AM
Sarah’s Gmail quote of the day was: “I am the literary equivalent of a Big Mac and fries.” - Stephen King.
That started us thinking: What does that say about romance authors? What’s their food item literary equivalent? Well, fear not, readers! Trust the Smart Bitches to come up with the perfect food counterpart for your favorite authors.
Nora Roberts: Ice-cream. You can always have ice-cream. Sometimes it’s a little bland or frosty, and sometimes it’s just what you needed when it’s hot as hell outside. Ice-cream is rarely, if ever, bad.
Cassie Edwards: Potted Meat Food product. It’s marketed as food, and it tries very, very hard to be food, but ultimately, it’s Food Product. Frighteningly ubiquitous, and therefore even more terrifying.
Laura Kinsale: Saffron. Rare and exclusive, but packs a huge wallop when used.
Laurell K. Hamilton: Cilantro. Some people LOVE her to the point of OMG obsession, and some people cannot stand her and think she tastes like soap.
Jennifer Crusie: Obvious choice: cherry pie.
Loretta Chase: Coconut milk. Looks like cow’s milk, but most decidedly is not cow’s milk, and adds incredible richness and flavor to any dish.
Julia Quinn: Trifle. Light, happy, not too maudlin, not too filling to be an after-dinner treat.
Catherine Coulter: Deep fried Twinkies. Once upon a time, it was a good junk food. Now? Not good at all, despite the potential.
Lisa Kleypas: A basic chocolate layer cake. Sometimes absolutely spectacular, sometimes pretty bland and chewy with frosting that’s too sweet, but dude, it’s still chocolate cake, so we’re having a piece.
Anne Stuart: Dark, dark chocolate with random habaneros hidden inside.
Sharon and Tom Curtis aka Laura London aka Robin James: An incredibly intricate, arcane cake that looks glazed and normal on the outside, then you cut a piece and holy crap there’s fondant and buttercream with fruit and about 18 layers of 1/2” thick rich cake in between, all sliced so thin it looked like someone used a razor.
Barbara Samuel: A really, really high-quality brownie. Deceptively simple ingredients, but incredibly dense and delicious.
Patricia Gaffney: A big bowl of hearty stew that’ll warm you to your toes and make you feel good. Unless it’s the older bodice ripper novels she wrote for Leisure, in which case, she’s cheese. Perhaps Swiss, for the plot holes. (We’re not necessarily knocking them, mind you. Candy owns almost all of them, and loves them all.)
Dara Joy: American Cheese. Cheesy, yet weirdly plastic, completely unearthly, not quite a food--yet a total guilty pleasure, should you choose to debase your palate so.
Connie Mason: Casu marzu. Cheese so bad, it can actually make you go BLIND.
Sharon Shinn: Sour cream blueberry muffins. People think she’s a quickbread, but really, they’re giant cupcakes without frosting that people justify to themselves as Not Cake because they eat them for breakfast and get them two tables over from the cupcakes. Some Bujold and Asaro novels qualify, too.
Judith McNaught: Grocery-store cupcakes. Sometimes, you just crave them, so you buy a box and eat, like, a dozen in a row. And you suddenly realize that you feel a bit boofy because they’re way too sweet and greasy, and not only that, they have the same basic taste, even though they claim to have different flavors and frostings. See also: Jude Deveraux and Johanna Lindsey.
Kathleen Woodiwiss: Chinese American food. Sometimes it hits the spot, but too often it panders to what people *think* Chinese food should be, so it’s way too salty, way too greasy, and WHY IN THE SHIT IS SOY SAUCE IN EVERYTHING? Just because it’s Chinese food doesn’t mean you slather soy sauce on all of it, you goddamn infidels.
Doughnut: JR Ward. Jhelli philled dhoughnutz, phull of ahngzt, pain and sadism--oops, sorry, zsadism, all skull-shaped with frosting fangs and tiny candy shitkicker boots, trying really hard to look hardcore and scary, but DUDE. It’s a DOUGHNUT. Sure, it’s tasty. It may be a Voodoo Doughtnut, even, and God knows Candy’s fond of those things--in fact, she loves them so much, she got married in the store. But c’mon. They’re DOUGHNUTS, PEOPLE. GET A GRIP.
Bertrice Small: Tex Mex. When done right, it can be yummy, but when mass-produced, contains way too much sour cream sauce and a lot of heat that’s weirdly flavorless.
Harlequin Presents: Cup O’ Noodles ramen. They’re highly standardized, they’re everywhere, they’re cheap, they aren’t especially filling, and nutritionally, they’re about the equivalent of a bag of rocks (actually, the bag of rocks might beat the ramen, because the dirt clinging to the rocks might provide a little B12), but they work if you need calories, and some of the variations can be pretty tasty.
Danielle Steel: Cheez doodles.
Susan Elizabeth Phillips: Tortilla chips. Delicious and addictive, but: Blue corn? White? Yellow? Low salt? Tequila salt? Extra salt? Pretty much about the same.
Diana Palmer: Biscuits. Made by virgins. Who are mistaken for whores by hard-faced Texan cowboys with women issues the size of, uh, Texas.
Stephanie Laurens’ Cynster series: Pocky. There’s Men’s Pocky, Almond Pocky, Strawberry Pocky, Green Tea Pocky, Coconut Pocky, Milk Pocky, Honey Pocky, Grape Pocky--Pocky Pocky Pocky. All variations of “sweet crap coating a pretzel stick.” And really, if “sweet crap coating a pretzel stick” doesn’t accurately describe all the humpings-on in a Laurens novel, we don’t know what does.
Edited to add:
Oops! Forgot to include this author in the entry:
Linda Howard: Foot-long hot dog with bullet-flavored relish and a lot of mustard. Can’t quite wrap your lips around that monster? TRY HARDER. RELAX. You’ll love it even as it hurts you. Really.
>>Doughnut: JR Ward. Jhelli philled dhoughnutz, phull of ahngzt, pain and sadism--oops, sorry, zsadism<<
God, you people are brilliant. I bow in your general direction.
Suzanne Brockmann? An MRE? Fulfilling all your basic nutrition needs in one handy package, sometimes actually really good, sometimes godawful, sometimes, if you’re lucky, with M&Ms a la Sam Starrett.
snarkhunter said on...Casu marzu.
Oh my God. People actually *eat* that? And I read about during *breakfast*?
Perfect categorization, though. My dear departed grandmother once gave me a Connie Mason novel. I was traumatized enough by her telling me it was “really steamy.” When I realized what it was about, I wanted to resurrect Grandma just to ask her what the HELL she was thinking when she paid money for it.
I feel cilantro has been unfairly maligned in its comparison. Can we substitute parsley, which is almost completely tasteless?
sartorias said on...Kinsale: saffron, yes. (And for me at least--and I know many fine people who flat disagree) a little is nice, but more than a little is wayyyyyyy too much.)
Catherine J. said on...Great comparisons, but I always thought that LKH would be more like anchovies. Some people love them, and some people hate them with a fiery passion.
Cassie Edwards: dead-on. *shudder*
Rosemary said on...Oh, so many things to say.
1. Ow! Stop! My stomach hurts from laughing! Sweet crap coating a pretzel stick. I’m dying here!
2. Why in the hell do you know about Casa Marzu? I would like to remove that information from my brain now, please.
3. Really? You got married in a doughnut shop?
a. How big is the Tex-Ass doughnut?
b. Is the Memphis Mafia one as delightful as it sounds?
4. Awwww, why you gotta pick on Cilantro that way?
5. I’m hungry.
You can get married in a doughnut shop?
Candy, you’re my hero. That is all.
OMG--that was perfect, thank you for putting me in a good mood as a finish cleaning the house.
Victoria Dahl said on...Oh, the rotten cheese! Why did you do that to me? It’s not just the cheese. It’s the fact that there are people in the world who will happily eat food that, oh by the way, might cause fly larvae to eat holes in your intestines! Mm. It’s tangy and lesiony!
shaunee said on...Re LKH and cilantro (and anchovies for that matter): My feeling is she’s more like a jar of sliced pickles. The first few are good (though not as fab as the deadly serious pickles one can get at a Kosher deli). The next few are just kinda salty, which is okay if you are pms-ing. The texture of the bunch after that, which is the same somewhat rubbery texture of the first two bunches, only becomes apparent after you gorged yourself and makes you close the jar and put it in the back of the fridge next to the Tupperware container that’s been in the back of the fridge since forever.
Wow!
I mean wow....brilliant. Granted, food is my life and I’m notorious for drinking Raspberry Koolaid for supper, but anyhow, it was perfect.
As for Casu Marzu, I’m printing out a copy for our next Infection Control meeting. With a header of “You think WE have food borne illness issues!?!?!”
Candy said on...Damn, I just realized I forgot to add Linda Howard to the list. Check the updated entry, y’all.
And to answer some questions:
Yes, the Very Tall Husband and I got married in a doughnut shop. It was rad. We bowed down to the velvet painting of Isaac Hayes that hangs over the doorway before the ceremony, and people threw Froot Loops at us after the ceremony instead of rice.
My parents were very, very confused.
The Tex-Ass doughnut is about the size of your head. No kidding. And I haven’t had a chance to try the mafia doughnut yet because I’m so hung up on the triple chocolate penetration--must do that the next time I’m there.
Also, I think I learned about casu marzu from Kate Rothwell’s blog, so blame HER.
Ines said on...Just thinking: why in English you call some novels cheesy?? Cheese is actually salty not sweet. In Spain we may call them “empalagoso” as in too much sweet.
Just an excuse to read your newest post *grin*
Love the edit.
Diane said on...You are fricking brilliant - I can’t stop laughing because your comments are so right-on. Now my only problem may be the laughter that bubbles up when I’m at the grocery store passing some of the food in question. Thanks bitches for making my day brighter!
Because “cheesy” doesn’t mean anything like “sweet” in this context. “Cheesy” means “tacky” or “bad” or “stupid” or some combination there of.
I just ate an Oreo (okay, four) and forced a likeness to Lynn Viehl: compact, dark, and filled with creamy goodness.
And Candy - Froot Loops? That almost makes me want to get married…
I think cheesy in terms of that stuff that sticks to the paper of your cheeseburger. Its icky, not totally food, but you still scrape it off and eat it.
Grace Draven said on...Now I’m craving donuts and habanero dark chocolate cake for lunch.
Oh yeah! on the Anne Stuart stuff. Perfect description.
And Cassie Edwards’ stuff would be great fodder for Steve Don’t Eat It! Wait--he did a post on potted meat. I wonder he read a CE book prior to that.
*grin*
You forgot one. Somewhere out there there HAS to be an author you can compare to vegemite. You know: it comes in the normal-looking jar, but then you open it up and say “What in the FUCK is this stuff? I’m supposed to EAT this????” and you can’t understand how any such thing is actually marketed.
Surely there’s an author out there that matches that...and don’t say me.
*snort!*
Oops. my apologies to vegemite fans...although I don’t personally know any, I’m sure that there must be some.
*grin*
Ellie M. said on...Who’s beans? Surely somebody’s beans. You know, with the.... aftereffects?
Hey, I like Marmite, Vegemite’s British cousin. It’s good! But then so is anchovy paste, a South African delicacy. You spread both on toast! But not together. Ew.
I think LKH might be beans. Seems good at first, smoky and sweet, but then later you regret you ever started reading them…
I was gonna compare her to Brie cheese, actually. The first one’s a little raw, then they mature nicely, but eventually they go ammonia-y. Still, they have their adherents who prefer the ammonia version.
Or maybe sushi. Cool, tasty, interesting texture, unlike anything you’ve ever had before, and then suddenly WHAM the wasabi hits and you’re not sure if you like it or not.
I am thinking about this waaaaay too much. I think I’m just horrified by the maggot-cheese.
wordver: deal69. heh heh heh. [/Beavis and Butthead]
I’m trying to think of somebody for asparagus.
“She makes your pee smell funny for days, but you read her anyway.”
shuzluva said on...Hilarious. Must run out for lunch now.
Jaid Black could be Solomon Gundy (a smokey, spicey, fishy paste you spread on crackers).
Something you do alone and feel guilty about later.
Cilantro, anchovies, pickles are all valid but....
LKH is like salt. Some people get hooked and need it all the time, in every dish, an uninterrupted diet. Some go a long time before realizing it’s bad for them. Some find in the struggle to give it up, their blood pressure rises dangerously. Some try “healthful” alternatives like Mrs Dash, or herbs. Those who do kick the habit tend to proselytize.
Carol Lynne: Vegemite
For some, it is a sandwich spread mentioned in a catchy pop song for others it is revolting and stinks much like the one hit wonder that sang about it.
Arethusa said on...Man I thought J.R. Ward had the best entry, THEN you made a smack down with the Linda Howard. I actually put my hands on my head as I laughed. Best. description. ever. And I love Linda Howard’s older stuff, I’m almost sorry to say.
This is totally freaking awesome! Well-done ladies.
y’all rock my socks.
except, Nora would be more like dark chocolate for me. it’s good for you! so you can have it aaaaany time you want!
there are so many authors though, that i want to see what you could come up with...like, JD Robb. Or Katie MacAlister (for some reason, Pop-Tarts come to mind....) or Barbara Taylor Bradford (very old wine?). or Elizabeth Lowell.
go to it, bitches! make me laugh some more…
Or maybe sushi. Cool, tasty, interesting texture, unlike anything you’ve ever had before, and then suddenly WHAM the wasabi hits and you’re not sure if you like it or not.
I’m taking exception to this. I love sushi and wasabi is the best part! (Actually, it’s really the roe they sometimes roll it in.)
Getting back on track…
I will always love sushi! Not so much LKH…
Little Miss Spy said on...I wanna know what Beatrice Small would be? dog food disguised as steak?
Kathleen Woodiwiss is like Kool-Aid:
Many drank the Kool-Aid because they don’t know they had a choice.
Flo said on...*tears up*
Leave the cilantro alone! Hamilton is more of a mislabeled desert. You THINK you’re getting a sweet creamy filling but instead it’s packed with spam. :(
What about Julie Garwood or Jennifer Blake?
Eloisa James?
Diana Gabaldon?
Mary Balogh?
God, now I want to know what I am, yet I’m slightly afraid to find out. Okay, screw that, I’m gorram TERRIFIED after the maggot cheese.
Listen, Bitches, I can forgive you for Tubgirl. I can forgive you for Hoff with innocent puppies on his groin. I can forgive a lot, but motherfucking rancid cheese sold with live maggots that can jump half a foot and attack your EYES?!?!?! Food that leads to maggot infestations that gnaw holes in your guts?!?!?! I draw the line at food that tries to EAT YOU BACK. Sweet Christ, I never thought I’d say this and mean it, but YOU BITCHES HAVE GONE TOO FAR.
Pardon me while I go puke up my toenails. Oh, wait, I don’t have toenails. Damn it all, even the sweet relief of purging is denied me!
I swear to bbq I read this as:
You THINK you’re getting a sweet creamy filling but instead it’s packed with sperm. :(
Apparently my LKH recovery is not complete.
Ah maggot cheese . . . I saw this a while back on some food show and couldn’t seem to change the channel. I was frozen with horror and disgust, but I couldn’t look away as they ate it. *shudder* I’m not even sure I can go near a nice triple cream for a while, so disturbing was the narrative, where they went on and on about how the maggots make it extra creamy.
iffygenia said, “I swear to bbq I read this as: You THINK you’re getting a sweet creamy filling but instead it’s packed with sperm.”
ME TOO!
What is wrong with us???
That’d be a salty, creamy filling.
Still better than eye-and-gut attacking maggots, though.
Charlene said on...Bertrice Small is peanuts: a mild pleasure for some, deadly for others.
What is wrong with us???
I blame it squarely on LKH. I mean really. I have it on good authority that I’m exceptionally pure.
The maggot cheese carries the ultimate foodborne illness, that’s for sure. Think it beats trichinosis for food/parasite creep factor.
OK,
Flight of ideas here---
Mary Balogh-- Scones and tea
Julie Garwood-- Butterscotch candy
Gabaldon-- Handmade shortbreads of course
Um. I’m only 56% pure. Whatever. I’m still blaming it all on LKH
You know Amy,
Casu Marzu (a cheese that can bite back) is just aching for being written into a paranormal romance as part of the villain’s daily dietary requirements.
Amy… get it in the notes!
Myriantha Fatalis said on...At least the infested cheese link was work-safe....
And no mention of Georgette Heyer?
Cara said on...I’m 24% pure....more than I want to be but still ahead of the skank cheese!!!!
<
Don’t be sorry. Her older stuff’s better than the newer stuff. Or so says I.
Or maybe it’s just that I can’t, heh, relax enough to enjoy the newer stuff.
And Diana Gabaldon SOOOOO has to be something meatier and more filling and longer lasting than shortbread.
~triple chocolate penetration~
Candy...you feeling okay? Yeah, I bet you are.
I’m thinking Elizabeth Lowell is peanut butter. Eaten from the jar. And you spoon some jam into the jar beforehand so you can basically have a sandwich without the bread, and then your teeth start to hurt and stick together. Not that I did this last night or anything.
Katia said on...Georgette Heyer? White soup and negus.
Or maybe Bath buns.
What about Emma Holly?
Linda Howard’s… older stuff’s better than the newer stuff
Linda Howard’s older stuff is like a sloppy joe. Full-flavored messy goodness we loved “back when”, but totally off the modern diet today. Damn it, we can’t eat mindfully all the time!
Linda Howard’s newer stuff is like a giant sugarfree candy cane melted to the rug. It’s bland, it’s saccharine, it’s shapeless, and after a while you want to drive the spiky end through the roof of the heroine’syour mouth and into your skull to stop the misery.
Joanne said on...I’m just sitting here eating a normal meal for me… a footlong hotdog that’s always warm, followed by a jelly donut covered in ice cream.... followed by some bon-bons.. (Julie Garwood)
It’s all fattening, and it’s certainly not brain food, but man, it all really makes me fat and sassy and happy as hell.
Robin said on...Hmm, I think of Gaffney more as chocolate decadence or these: http://www.epicurious.com/recipes/recipe_views/views/102755
Or this: http://www.saveur.com/food/new-recipes/smith-island-cake-51805.html
And Laura Kinsale? Definitely this: http://www.saveur.com/food/classic-recipes/lady-baltimore-cake--51211.html
I so need to do some baking now.
Bella said on...“It’s all fattening, and it’s certainly not brain food, but man, it all really makes me fat and sassy and happy as hell.”
excellent description of her old stuff… not so crazy about the contemporaries, tho.
oh, i haven’t thought of a Lady Baltimore cake in years.... yum. speaking of Kinsale: Candy, did you ever finish Flowers from the Storm?
Maybe Gabaldon is a substantial meat pasty, one of those pot-pie type things sold in Scotland.
As long as it’s not deep fried Mars bars with an Iron-Bru, the other thing they sell in Scotland.
Cyranetta said on...J. D. Robb—a martini: pungent, intoxicating and best savored one at a time.
That’s “Irn-Bru”.
Still an improvement over their other treats, blood pudding and haggis.
Thanks for the meat pasty for Gabaldon. All I could think of was Haggis and that’s just too, too EiiCH!
Oh, thank you ladies soooo much for Casu marzu. I just can’t begin to tell you how special that made my day. I think I may have gone off food for life now. *gag*
Yvonne said on...Ya know, when I was in Orkney they had home made short bread with toffee and chocolate on top. Maybe that is what Gabaldon is.
OR, sticky toffee pudding! Yeah!!
Lauren said on...“Stephanie Laurens’ Cynster series: Pocky. There’s Men’s Pocky, Almond Pocky, Strawberry Pocky, Green Tea Pocky, Coconut Pocky, Milk Pocky, Honey Pocky, Grape Pocky--Pocky Pocky Pocky. All variations of “sweet crap coating a pretzel stick.” And really, if “sweet crap coating a pretzel stick” doesn’t accurately describe all the humpings-on in a Laurens novel, we don’t know what does.”
I absolutely love you for this comparison. It’s so so accurate. Thank you, Bitches, THANK YOU.
I would kill for a glass of Irn Bru…
shannon said on...mmmm, stickey toffee pudding..yanno, haggen daaz has that as a flavor...but im thinking not so much in the way of maggotty cheese ice cream...hehe...ok, so did everyone gag just now???
Jo said on...Cilantro always burns my mouth, so if the adage about getting burnt stops you playing with matches, a burning mouth should stop any tempation to pick up the Harlequin (for me at least)
After the maggot cheese are there any candidates worthy of solent green?
I think I broke something laughing.
I can’t pick a favourite, but this:
Bertrice Small: ... way too much sour cream sauce ...
deserves special applause. Hee!
Nora Roberts said on...Mmmmm. Yummy.
Oh-oh. I feel a little bit sick now.
Oh, and what about Judith Ivory? I’m thinking this: http://www.saveur.com/food/classic-recipes/chocolate-spice-cake-pudding-50439.html
Or maybe French croissants filled with Callebaut bittersweet chocolate.
Eloisa James: one of those 7 mini course gourmet experimental extravaganzas, which may or may not compose a coherent whole and fill your belly.
Sabrina Jeffries: Starbucks full fat iced caramel machiato. It’s really good, but has a lot of ice as filler. And the drink tastes the same every time.
Mmmm, Irn-Bru:
Looks like jelly bear juice, tastes loke jelly bear juice mixed with puke… and it totally makes your hangover go away.
There has to be an author to whom that applies.
I think my new career goal is to be so famous, someone compares me to food. But not cheese. Not any kind at all.
Christine Feehan--Tiramasu
Dark, dangerous and expensive. (When you have to buy EVERY one of the series cause you can’t stand it)
Nalini Singh--Enchiladas
A little spicy, and even better as leftovers (meaning you can reread her again and again)
Patti O’Shea--Chocolate Chip Cookies
The ingredients LOOK familiar, but the way they’re put together is addicting.
Amanda Quick--Baked Chicken Casserole
This is the dish you get at a church fundraiser and think “I’ve had this before.” It’s great and you love it, but you realize your mother used to make the same thing for you when you were little.
*ducks flying tomatoes*
What about Sherrilyn Kenyon? I’m thinking she’s like the pringles in the hotel mini bar. You vow you won’t spend the money, but you have a couple horrifically expensive mini-bottles, and next thing you know you’ve polished off a can in record time. You promise yourself you won’t do it again, but the next time you’re in a hotel, there’s another can…
Thank you iffy and Nifty I don’t feel so alone now. Sometimes I want to tear my hair out at JR Ward fandom and then I remember I have one or two Howard category romances on my hard drive.
Oops. my apologies to vegemite fans...although I don’t personally know any, I’m sure that there must be some.
*grin*
Me! I’m a happy little vegemite! Scroll down to download the song.
http://tinyurl.com/2fj8l
Jen C said on...Sherilyn Kenyon- I have to say, probably blue box mac and cheese. Looks good, but does stick with you for more than a minute after you are done.
Christina Dodd- caramels
Meg Cabot- green bean casserole- always creamy, with crisp bits, and occasional cheese thrown on top
Josie said on...Between the maggot cheese and the happy little vegemite song now whirling around my brain (damn you Keziah Hill!!) you bitches have set me up for a very long day at work…
LadyRhian said on...Emma Holly- For me, Emma Holly is like hot sauce. Some days, she’s “Da Bomb, Ground Zero”, and some days she’s just McIlhenny’s Tabasco sauce, but always hot and spicy.
Lisa said on...Amanda Quick--Baked Chicken Casserole
This is the dish you get at a church fundraiser and think “I’ve had this before.” It’s great and you love it, but you realize your mother used to make the same thing for you when you were little.
Thank you! I was worried as I got to the bottom of the comments that no one had mentioned Jayne Ann Krentz, but that’s absolutely perfect.
(Forget my mother, my grandmother used to give me these. No matter how good a book is, realizing your grandmother once read the same sex scene you just did is kind of… disturbing.)
Jill Barnett: A thick-skinned tangerine
There’s a deliciously sweet bit of fruit tucked inside, but to get to it, you have to peel through an inch-thick tart rind first.
This reminds of something Steven Brust said on his live journal, and I quote:
“Books can be broken down into four classes: popcorn, steak, caviar, and celery.
Popcorn is pretty obvious. Anyone here enjoy The Destroyer novels by Sapir and Murphy as much as me? gobble gobble gobble Steak is the stuff you can bite into, chew, swallow, and gain sustenance from. Some of us use spices on our steak, or do interesting things with it by stir-frying it, adding ginger and various vegetables, and so on. In my case, paprika. But at the end of the day, it is steak. Niel writes particularly good steak--range fed, the spicing is different every time, always delectable, and some of it obviously comes from places where cattle are not indigenous, making you go, “Wow. How did they ever think of doing that?” as you go for the next bite.
Gene Wolfe and John M. “Mike” Ford write caviar. It is a lot of work to get to. You have to open the can, you have to make sure the refrigeration is exactly perfect. You have to have the right atmosphere, and you have to approach it with the proper reverence if you’re going to get anything out of the experience. But if you do, my god, is it worth it!
Celery is that stuff you have to chew and chew and chew and, by the time you’re done, you’ve gotten even less nutritional value from than the popcorn. I won’t name any names.
Some turn up their noses at popcorn. Well, that’s okay. Just don’t bring ‘em to a ball game. Most of us like steak, in one form or another. Some object to caviar because they have just never got into the glories of eating--into food that is worth the work. For them, the payoff just isn’t there.
The interesting thing, to me, is that there really are people out there who like the celery because it is so hard to chew, and the fact that there’s nothing of substance there doesn’t bother them.”
Heather Graham is that piece of overcooked octopus you’ve been chewing for hours and it’s still solid rubber.
I read The Island on a plane. Ogod. I had a better time staring at the seatback in front of me than reading the book. It seemed interminable. Though in its favor, I got lots of sleep.
Jackie L. said on...Georgette Heyer is chocolate mousse. Smooth, suave, sophisticated, yet light and frothy. Always delicious and addictive.
A Haiku:
Looking for something
filling but not too heavy.
Romance! Order Up!
I didn’t click on the casu marza link before; I now have, and I wish I hadn’t. As Amy E said, food that eats you back is not a nice prospect.
On the other hand, I now have the ultimate piece of weird trivia to win all those trivia contests at college with. Thanks, Bitches! Just watch out for the little jumping maggots.
Ooh, SEP mentions. What? I’m like five whenever a Stars book comes out. I’ll admit it, damn it. And very proud of it. Ahem.
But shouldn’t Nora be a Lays potato chip? Aren’t they the ones you can’t eat just one of? Oh, wait. Maybe that’s Pringles. I think so, since it’s “Once you pop, you can’t stop.” I have a couple on my shelf now, and a lot in storage since I had to make room. Ha! In fact, shelved Roberts are next to my SEP. *gigglesnort*
Hey, no one ever said I had adequate brain power.
So what would MaryJanice Davidson be? A Jolly Rancher?
And you know it’s sad when you give your Cynster books to Goodwill because the tax write-off is better than rereading Take Your Pick Character A and B getting it on in a convenient daybed or chair. I’m just saying.
SaucySam said on...Damn I wish I didnt live about as far away from Voodoo doughnut as I can and still be in the continental US (Fl). I need to try Triple Chocolate penetration! Wait, that sounds very very bad… I think pop tarts would be accurate to describe Katie Macallister as well, some how it fits.
Elizabeth said on...OH GOD OH MY GOD. Sweet jesus, the grubs in the cheese can JUMP AT YOUR EYES. They actually JUMP AT YOUR EYES AND EAT YOUR INTESTINES. SWEET FUCKING BABY JESUS.
I’m at the stage of planning my wedding in Michigan from Japan where I really really really want to go and get hitched at the donut hut.
I call dibs on fried ice cream - the whole concept seems unlikely, but I manage to pull it off deliciously.
Brilliant, although, I liked Kerry’s as well:
Eloisa James: one of those 7 mini course gourmet experimental extravaganzas, which may or may not compose a coherent whole and fill your belly.
I’m not sure Christine Feehan qualifies as tiramisu. I tend to think of her as candy sprinkles. Sure, eating them by themselves SEEMS like a great idea, and the first time or two you snack on them, you’re like “I AM GEEEENIUS” and then you realize they’re kinda waxy and kind of bland, just overpoweringly sweet.
Then you look down and realize what you thought were black and white sprinkles are now colored. Which means you’ve found true love. Or something.
Also, Kerry’s definition of Eloisa James had me giggle-snorting in agreement.
Absolutely brilliant, ladies! All of you, and dead on.
J. D. Robb—a martini: pungent, intoxicating and best savored one at a time. --loved this, Cyranetta.
dillene said on...“Then you look down and realize what you thought were black and white sprinkles are now colored. Which means you’ve found true love. Or something.”
Brilliant.
I was thinking Krentz was more like Hershey’s milk chocolate. Blended to within an inch of its life, it’s so smooth and comforting that everyone has at least one favorite brand that they like to keep in their house at all times. :D
Hey, if Roberts can be ice cream . . . ;p
Audrey said on...I’m sitting here actually LOL and snorting and my husband says, “You reading the Smart Bitches again?”
Need I say more?
Keeper post, definitely. *bookmarks*
Jen C - Sherrilyn Kenyon as mac n cheese is perfect! It tasted good, but you kind of feel bad about eating it. And yet when your toddler leaves you half a bowl, you’re secretly psyched to finish it.
Barbara Cartland: Boone’s Farm Strawberry Hill Wine. You loved it at sixteen, when it was the first wine you ever drank out of your parents’ sight. Then, nostalgic, you try it as an adult and OMG it tastes like Kool-Aid laced with grain alcohol.
OK, can there be an author who’s like Red Velvet Cake? (The bad kind that tastes like chemicals because it’s overloaded with the dye?)
Everyone around you is raving about how good it is and all you can think is ‘Are you people crazy! It’s AWFUL! It’s fake!’.
Oh and PS,
I feel no guilt in still loving Linda Howard’s older stuff. ;)
If some folks like buttsecks, I can like Linda Howard, thankyouverymuchandhaveaniceday! :)
Makes vow to self.
One day, somebody will describe me as panne cotta.
katieM said on...OK, can there be an author who’s like Red Velvet Cake? (The bad kind that tastes like chemicals because it’s overloaded with the dye?)
Everyone around you is raving about how good it is and all you can think is ‘Are you people crazy! It’s AWFUL! It’s fake!’.
LKH!!!!
maggie said on...I would come up with something but I must go raid my fridge RIGHT NOW.
I have Oreos, ice cream and donuts. DAMN IT
I just noticed my food and the authors on my shelf are the same. Isn’t that weird?
You smart bitches are awesome!
Charity Mullen said on...Georgette Heyer:
She is homemade noodles. All your life you get package noodles and you think those are fine. Then, one Christmas day, your great Aunt Estelle brings in her homemade noodles from her secret recipe. Now you realize that all package noodles are kinda fake and now you can’t ignore how fake they taste.
annanickle said on...Just wanted to say I live within walking distance of Voodoo Doughnuts...yes, it’s like you imagine ONLY BETTER.
And For me Mary Balogh is like a Fat Elvis Cupcake from Saint Cupcakes...a shop run by minions of Satan who use their wicked bad evil to make frosting of sin.
Mary said on...OK, not entirely related, but what the heck happened to Dara Joy? I saw her name on this list and thought “oh, what is she up to?” and her website is awful and the cover art is so bad I couldn’t bring myself to read the excerpt. What happened?
Great comparisons, but I always thought that LKH would be more like anchovies. Some people love them, and some people hate them with a fiery passion.
And you can make jokes about that pungent fishy odor…
DS said on...Dara Joy fell out with one publisher when she gave Ritual of Proof to Harper. Her publisher sued her for breach of k and I’m pretty sure there was a nervous breakdown somewhere in the story. She tried to self publish and that went south. You need to check out the story on Dear Author or just google Dara Joy and lawsuit.
This was fabulous.
And thank you for making me cherry pie. That was very kind (g).
Jenny
Lucy Maddox said on...Oh my Lord, do people actually EAT that nasty cheese?! Why?! What possible reason could anyone have for ingesting maggot-ridden cheese? Especially considering that you have to wear protective goggles to protect yourself from leaping larvae.
...
I think I’m done with lunch now.
Im surprised none were compared to sushi. A symphony of tastes, classy, and acquired appreciation.
06.07.07 at 04:43 AM |