Smart Bitches Trashy Books | All of the romance, none of the bullshit.

the Native American cover is the worst, because they are WHITE PEOPLE. They look like they are dressing up as Indians for Halloween.

And the 2nd worst cover is the medieval, again because the chick looks like she is wearing a cheap halloween costume.

Do women actually see these covers and go “woo, that looks like a good book” ????

Sarah’s was indeed the perfect snark. Closely followed by:

And FOR the LOVE of GOD put some CLOTHES on. This Lady doth protest because it is COLD and you are standing near the LOCH and you are NAKED. My eyes! My EYES!

oh, my God. Naked loching will never be the same…

Is it just me, or is Native American chick really cold?

And Midnight Shadow lovers need to open their eyes until they get closer. They’re gonna miss. He’ll wind up sucking on her nose while she chips a tooth on that iron chin.

With the rampant misapplication of the wind machines, it’s a wonder they’re not all choking on each others’ lust locks o’ luuuurve.

Hey, I have a third nipple story!

In med school, on my pediatrics rotation, I saw a 16-year-old Hispanic boy who was concerned about this odd brown mark on his chest—sort if like a thumbprint, about a hands’ breadth down from the armpit. “That’s an accessory nipple!” I cried out, jazzed to actually see one of these things outside of a textbook.

Then I had to explain it to him . . . “A what?”

“You have an extra nipple. Isn’t it cool?”

No, man. He was a Hispanic male surrounded throughout youth by typical macho male role models. It was so not cool. Dude was crushed.

I learned to keep my mouth shut (most of the time).

Hey, check this out. When will you see it on a Regency?

Yeah, I think the heaving breasts on the chain mail must pinch, and that’s why she’s shoving her sword pommel into his chest right below his third nipple.  Meanwhile, he’s hanging on to his sword pommel for dear life, probably because he knows she can’t reach it through the chains, and that’s all the strokin’ it’s likely to get . . .

The mock turtleneck chainmail shirt looks only slightly less goofy than the ones that show a lot of man-titty cleavage or are actually open all the way to the waist. Umm, what do they think chainmail is for, exactly? I loathe most clinch covers and don’t exactly flash ‘em around when I’m reading a book that has one, but the one time I WILL hide a book from my fellow Dungeons and Dragons geeks is when there’s fetish-mail on the cover.

Oh—and what’s up with chain-mail dude’s underthings?  I mean, bad enough he has a mullet, but I think he’s wearing spandex under the armor.  And a weight belt—what’s that about?  Is he planning on lifting her onto his sword hilt, and worried about a hernia?  I know the cape makes the chick’s ass look fat, but she’s really not *that* big.  And why is the armor translucent??  Those twinkie sleeves don’t look like they have much stopping power.  Maybe they’ve been bleached too heavily . . .

Somehow I ended up going from your Lara Flynn Boyle link to http://www.villagevoice.com/people/0540,taormino,68403,24.html “An Ode to Ass” - Yay for the title.

Why is the guy on What an Earl Wants wearing rain rubbers on his feet? Weird.

And the “Native American” white people. . . My God, the guy actually has a pug nose! Gross even for a white dude!

I don’t know why I’m looking so closely at the backgrounds (maybe it’s to avoid looking at the people!), but does anyone else think that the “Zebra splendor/price info.” writing on the left of the “Indian” cover looks like a radio tower in the distance?  And that holographic heart looks like a little cartoon bubble over the guy’s head.

And what’s that ghostly stuff blowing behind the Eart who Wants a dress?  Some kind of ectoplasm streaming up from them?  Curtains that are about 40 feet long (and blowing OUT of the house)?

What an Earl wants… is matching sheer voile curtains in ivory swathing him as he ineptly rips the clothing off his nubile companion.

What Earl WOULDN’T want that?

I think Manolo’s been reading your cover snark, Bitches; his latest blog entry reminds me of the meth-addict cover model discussion.

The “Wild Innocence” cover reminds me of a userpic my friend made for me as a joke:

Although I suppose she isn’t sewn to her curtains in this case.  Poor girl probably had to cut up her carpet instead.

By the lake of shining water
Through the dry ice pumped by demons
Came the prancing, fancy dancer
Came the dancer in blue leggings.
Mighty was the fancy dancer
Feet of flame he wooed the chicks with
Mullet glory, feather-braided
Wide-legg’d stance and pelvis tilted.
Him, he was the disco warrior
Popped his pecs to funky music.
But alas poor disco warrior
No more partner, disco over
Consequence of bruised patella
Cursed he high stillettos soundly.

Came the warrior to the meadow
Heard the distant throb of drumbeat
Saw the lovely pale-skinned maiden
Spied the maiden shimmy softly
Doe-eyed was the lovely maiden
Tasselled was her dress of doeskin.
Flicked her tresses, ethnic blusher
Tribal stripes in bright plum slashes.

Arabesque’d the warrior wildly
Joined the maiden in the meadow
Grasped her waist, and tilted torso
Re-enacting Bucks’ Fizz vid’eo.
Maiden’s heart was filled with rapture
From slashed bodice leapt her bosom
Welcome smile she turned to lover
When broke hell-sent wind like thunder
Gone was scent of meadow flowers
Gone was sound of distant birdsong
Only heard were rumbling echoes
Only scent was sulph’rous eggnog.
Warrior’s face accusing tombstone
Maiden, wide-eyed said, “‘Twas not me!”
Maiden’s blushes did betray her
Guilt at having baked beans for tea

This is too funny, ‘cause I reviewed MIDNIGHT SHADOW some years back and commented on the wardrobe:

“Bria, of course, is the Midnight Shadow, robbing Terran’s taxes to give back to the peasants.  A couple little things about the Shadow niggled at me.  Where did all these peasants get gold coin in the first place to pay their taxes, the gold coin that was then stolen by the Shadow? That’s a lot of gold specie to be floating around through the countryside at a time when barter and silver was the norm.  And would the Shadow really have worn a black velvet costume when velvet was extremely expensive and not very practical?  Good black wool that would stay warm when wet would have been a better choice! 

But I digress...”

Auntie Peril, thou art truly Evil. For I have laughed so hard my ribs hurt and tears streameth forth from my eyes. Fortunately ‘tis before coffee, so my monitor is still dry, but I am not so sure about my chair.

Thank you, Auntie. *snort. chuckle. gasp*

EAP, you rock.  I loved your poem.

Yay! Candy wins the grand prize. Longfellow pips the Kalevala as the source ‘cos of its subject matter. Thank you kindly for your comments, everyone.

Am awed at Candy’s research skills since I ended up cutting out the direct quotes for artistic reasons*, which can’t have helped the hunt for its murky origins. On reflection, this was perhaps not very helpful since I’m similarly OCD when it comes to niggling matters (Google has saved my sanity more than once). This poem’s rhythm in particular can lodge itself in your head for days and days after reading. 

Lewis Carroll wrote a much better parody of this, so please take his disclaimer as my own, since he puts it far more elegantly than I could manage: http://www.people.virginia.edu/~bhs2u/carroll/hia.html.

*In other words, the real poet’s lines stood out a mile. But I wish I could have kept the sturgeon. And the line “Lack of dietary fibre”.

I loved this little article. Not only was it humourous, but from an artistic perspective it really pointed out some of the major flaws in the pictures.  I just liked seeing the critques and comments of the covers of the novels. It gives me a good idea of what to AVOID, in pictures ....  If I do ever manage to become a Freelance artist.

Wow, there’s so much that’s bad about these covers. Wild Innocence is the worst. The pseudo-Native American look is bad enough, but those beads she’s wearing. I think the guy’s pants is the worst part. Ack, my eyes!

Doug, love the link to that awful, awful dress. Why would anyone come up with a dress like that, let alone force a bridesmaid to wear it. Ugh.

I think the only way one would read these books is if they are trapped at a cottage and the finished reading old copies of star and had nothing else to do.
Or maybe they ripped cover off in desperation?

Do women actually see these covers and go “woo, that looks like a good book” ????

Just those over forty and those who are overweight and think that the way people fall in love in romantic comedies are real life.