Today on Twitter (that sounds like a really bad show on an entertainment network, doesn’t it?) I mentioned that I encounter a lot of heroes who smell “woodsy” but had no idea what that meant. Swampy? Like pine trees? Cedar? Hickory? Like firewood, pre- or post-campfire?
A few people suggested cedar, or, as Maisey Yates said, “like sticking your head in the Pacific Northwest.” Having never smelled the PNW, I’ll take your word for it that this is a good smell.
But this conversation got me thinking – why are there not more romance-novel tie-in products? I mean, think of the possibilities! In the Bosoms we published the following graphic advertising a product mockup which I still have not seen on the shelves of my nearest drugstore:
This is super-powered product right here- ever notice that heroes and heroines can roll over and make out first thing in the morning without a sign or indication that There Be Swamp Breath In the Morning? Listerine has nothing on romance novel mouthwash.
And so long as we’re smelling woody:
Would you hang that in your car? I would totally hang that in my car. Time for anther round of my favorite game, Where’s My Venture Capitalist™? I envision a whole line of these – in all your favorite hero-fresh scents, including “Woodsy,” “Spicy,” “Sweat, Leather, and Horses,” and my favorite, “Male.” He smelled like a Male. No one would dare steal your ride if it smelled like Male.
Any other scent ideas? ETA: Product ideas welcome too! I’m not picky. Let me have ‘em! Best romance-novel tie in product in the comments gets a $25 gift card to the bookstore of your choosing. Gift cards are guaranteed not to smell “woodsy.” You’ve got 24 hours – make your suggestions, in text or, if you’re feeling frisky, in graphic form.
How about the most vague scent of all—could it be a mysterious something that’s uniquely Him? No, it’s That Mysterious Something That Is Uniquely Him ™, coming soon to a perfume counter near you.
Also, do they make edible sunblock yet? Because I recently read a scene where a guy smeared sunblock all over his lady’‘s tits and then immediately began to suck on her nipples, and I just don’t think that would be advisable with regular sunblock.
Wow, this reminds me of the “Brut: It Smells Like a Man” aftershave commercials of holiday seasons of yore….
A sun-dappled meadow…. … a dash of Volvo…. a hint of baseball glove leather, and a soupcon of the Pacific Northwest….
Introducing
Sparkle
… for the tawny-haired, butterscotch-eyed, marble-skinned vegetarian vampire stalker in your life!
Special all-nighter Viagra. For when he just can’t get enough of you!
(captcha is body94 – must be for the wildest of erotica, 94 bodies, wow. Definitely need Viagra)
She walks, surrounded by an aura of delicious scents. Now you can too. Find your perfect scent in our new line, designed to make you smell tasty. Now in “Cinnamon”, “Fresh Bread” and “Lemon Soap.” Guaranteed to make him forget what he was talking about. Also check out our hottest product, “Hair.”
Elizabeth, haven’t you heard? Sunscreen can be anything. It removes stains, can substitute for butter in many recipes and if you leave it in your fridge, will leave everything smelling coconut fresh. And a small piece of cardboard soaked in sunscreen makes for long lasting taste satisfaction.
Vitamin supplements to make the magic lady bits taste of sweet honeyed nectar. Even if you’ve been riding a horse for the past 3 hours in ninety degree heat—your delicates will remain fresh.
Local sedatives for our petite ladies doing it with men in possession of large wangs. No longer fear the pain of cervix bumping and womb creations! This medicine will only numb your upper interior while you enjoy his ocean-rocking motion.
verification word: true75.
Laundry detergent.
Mown Lawn.
Oil Filter.
Diaper Wipes.
Fresh Cut logs
Ty-D-Bol.
Chore Cologne, por homme . . . because a hard, working man is good to find.
The scent: Whiskey.
Tagline: Instead of being an alcoholic, he can just smell like one.
I actually think that there are already a couple of colognes that are basically woodsy romance hero smell. I have a crap memory so I can’t recall which ones, but I know I’ve smelled some that had the great outdoors thing goin’ on. The trick of course is to smell woodsy without smelling like Pine Sol. Easier said than done.
hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!
I’m wiping tears from my eyes and water off my computer screen. I can’t help but think, though… I have one of those men. Yea!!
The Invisible condom! Protects against all STDs and STIs but not pregnancy*
Cause Syphilis just ain’t sexy!
*Author’s choice, depending on plot
“Griller—because no woman can resist the distinct aroma of a charcoal fire. That just-in-from-cooking-her-filet-mignon scent will drive her wild.”
Oh, sorry guys. I totally missed the part where it had to be a scent, not just a product idea. Oops!
How about a Pheromone cologne? It’ll be like axe body spray, except it without the nausea and strong desire to run out of the room.
Action54 – We can only hope.
No “it”. My bad.
Magic Hoo-Ha personal lubricant: turn your poon into a Soul Mate-o-Matic!
(Hmm, Soul Mate-o-Matic might be a good product too, but it sounds like a vacuum…oh dear, not going there)
Oh! And invisible condoms! …Damn, someone beat me to it.
Sorry for posting so much, but this is delightful!
http://www.bellasugar.com/Weird-Perfumes-7526088
I want “In The Library”!
…er. Scents. Should have caught that. Running away now.
And speaking of scents, just like people in romances never have morning breath, they don’t get constipation, diarrhoea indigestion, gas or bloating. Not even the pregnant women fart.
Scent: Sunshine in a meadow.
Tagline: Rather than reeking of straight-up bullshit, why not smell like sun-warmed cowpats nestled among flowers?
hahahha these are great ladies. I love the pics. I saw the post on facebook this morning and I was like, “hmm yes now what would that ‘scent’ look like” but ladies these ideas are all hilarious and great. leather and horses. hehehe
OK here are my tries:
1. Feral: for that wild man
2. the Lumberjack: hmmm hint of lanolin (form all that flannel), pine and motor oil scent.
I always imagine woodsy=pine sol, which isn’t too sexy, but is 1st thing to mind. Beyond that, I think that the whole Old Spice commercial series is supposed to be the romance novel “I’m the man, your man could smell like.” I, however, could never find Old Spice sexy, it is what my Dad wears.
“Phero-Moan…for men and women. The essence of sex, guaranteed to make the Hoo-Ha glittery and the Wang magical. Just one sniff will have you ready to go all night, without any fear of chafing or need for recovery time.”
Can I point out one of the phrases that irks me in post-coital scenes? “A pleasurable soreness between her thighs.” I’ve read that or some variant of it in any number of romances, and it bugs me. Maybe it’s just me, but I’ve always felt like rawness != a good time.
That second paragraph was supposed to have faux-HTML coding to indicate its off-topicness. Whoops.
A romance novel hero should smell like a mighty pine. After all, the theme could carry through the entire novel. Then you’d have your phallic symbol for the cover (the heroine could be heaving against the side of a very large tree). And a possible bedroom petname for him. Bonus references to his old growth forest…
The possibilities are endless.
Testosterone: you think all those Alpha Male heroes reek like this naturally? No! They apply Testosterone cologne every morning, for that uber-masculine, fresh-from-the-cave scent.
Sensitivity: for all those beta males out there, now they can smell too! The main ingredients are book paper, garden dew, and kitten fur (from that volunteer work at the local animal shelter, of course).
Adventure: the scent of horse sweat and leather, for those heroines who want to smell like they galloped ten miles at the crack of dawn this morning, while lying comfortably abed till noon.
Allure: for those fallen women and prostitutes with hearts of gold. The mysterious scent that captivates the heart – and lower area – of any discerning customer. Apply directly for a refreshing effect. Puts the Magic in Magic Hoo-Ha.
Naivete: virginal heroines rejoice, now they can wear their hearts on their sleeves for the whole world to see. Idealism sold separately.
I must be an oddball here, because I never got the Pine-Sol thing when I read a hero has a “woodsy” scent. Could also have to do with the fact I grew up surrounded by woods and to me, there is no better scent than that of the woods right after a good rain. It smells fresh and clean and, and…well, words escape me, to be honest about it. So that’s what I imagine when I read that in a book.
The ones that get me are where they smell like horses and cattle and the heroine thinks they smell good. Um, excuse me, has she ever really smelled a cow or a horse? Especially on a hot day? Not pretty, by any measure of the word. Add in what’s most likely caked on his boots, and well, yeah so not going near that one.
Anyhow, here’s mine:
Old Sex (comes in both spray & powder form) because we all know the scent of old sex generally gets them rip, roaring and ready to go for another round of hot monkey lovin’. WARNING: Use with caution, too much can lead to panting for breath, collapsing on (and possible squishing) of the woman in exhaustion, explosive orgasms, and gushing or flooding which could lead to dehydration. You have been warned.
AND
Alpha in a Bottle: Wimpy? The exact opposite of an Alpha Male? Tired of never getting the girl because you don’t have that extra special scent that seems to drive the women wild? Never fear, with Alpha in a Bottle you, too, can smell like the man of her dreams. Guaranteed to make her panties damp and her inner muscles quiver with just a whiff.
I sent this link to you as a separate email, Sarah, but I just thought I’d pop it in here as well, as you’ve asked so nicely…
http://smellofbooks.com/
Which one is your favourite? If you click on ‘Aromas’, you can access the full range!
Forgot to nominate my favourite.
Personally, I think Classic Musty is unbeatable for that hint of pheromone.
science37 Yes, indeedy. The science proves it.
For the Uber Alpha – “Brute 69” – well what do you think it smells like??
It would depend on where in the story we are (and I’m not clever enough to be as funny as everyone else here), but aside from soap, leather, horses, and hay, I’ve used “He smelled of sleep and the embrace of the sea.” Like I said, you had to be there. I was . . .
I’ve always longed for a cologne that smelled like woodsmoke and bacon frying. I’d call it “Swine”. (Pour Homme.)
Sandal Wood
Because nothing says “MAN” more than the manly scent sensation of leather footwear and hard working wang.
Got wood?
(PS: WTF is sandalwood anyway? I’ve snuffled plenty of men and never encountered the elusive yet omnipresent scent of sandalwood.)
New for the Cop Hero in all of us: Gun Oil Body Wash
Because if she can tell the difference between ‘I just cleaned my weapon for you, baby,’ and ‘eau de WD40’’ she’s the one for you!
@Kirsten In the Library is a fab scent.
Claire, the heroine of the Outlander books is always describing something like “the tang of unwashed male.” eww—I think.
eep! missed the scent thing too. *should not read blogs at night when sleepy*
I love how musky is always used! why does ever man smell musky?
Do not worry if it’s a scent or a product idea. I’m not picky!
“Doggone – for the wolf in your man!” With the scents of wet dog fur, damp cushion, a hint of canned meat and just the tiniest whiff of …errr…rear end.
Because that’s what werewolves really smell like, we all know it.
Highly Sexed Man: for days when you need a whiff of sand, horses, and the ocassional lizard to remind you of your desert sheikh.
“The Authentic Bodice-Ripper: Our new machine rips your bodice easily, so he doesn’t have tooooooooooooooooooo!”