Candy would have a field day with this list, and since there’s 8 entries and it could go ALL THE WAY TO 11, I bet there will be other suggestions in the comments. Thanks to Bitchery reader Becca for the link:
The Top 8 Worst Lines in Sci-Fi Erotica
8> She shivered as he ran his eyes over her. She was almost sorry when he retracted them back into his skull.
7> After many attempts by the rookie space cadet, the spaceship finally fit snugly into the landing bay, but he had opened the escape hatch too soon, spilling the ship’s occupants on to the floor.
6> Later that evening, after their shifts were over, the captain discovered that hailing frequencies weren’t the *only* thing his communications officer had open!
5> The nanites touched her in ways no micromachine ever had.
4> He thrust into her at last, only to discover that his father was right –- it really was just like Mom’s blood-liver pie.
3> It had been a long night and Tank McPhoton was tired and drained as he had never been tired and drained before. He hadn’t realized that female Vaginarians have 18 major orifices and expect a male to satisfy each and every one of them.
2> Rumor had it the new lieutenant could suck harder than the black hole of Iridani-Beta.
and the Number 1 Worst Line in Sci-Fi Erotica…
1> She found herself unable to control her quivering. She had never felt like this. The quivering frequency increased and increased, and suddenly she exploded. “Sad,” said the hot, chisel-chinned starfighter pilot who had inadvertently caused her demise, “she was the last of their race. They all went like that when they saw me.”
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And that, my dear friends, is why I don’t read Sci-Fi.
These are REAL(ly) bad lines?! Too funny. I think #7 is my favorite :)
The #4 description is GROSS!
I have to say this list has inspired me to think about being a writer. If these people can get published, so can I.
Rosemary! Please don’t paint all scifi with the same brush. It’s the same argument as people who say “that is why I don’t read romance”.
Some of it is good, some of it reeks. Like anything else.
And damn, I was just so glad I wasn’t on that list, man. Whew! That would’ve killed me.
Ew. That’s all I can think of. Just…ew.
Um, I think these lines are parodies? Like Letterman’s Top Ten lists? They’re not supposed to be examples of real SF Erotica.
However, there’s enough eye-rolling writing in real SF erotica to make a top ten list easy.
The hoo-hoo feels like a pile of liver? My husband failed to inform me of this. Probably for the best.
I have to agree with Darlene, these sound like jokes, not real lines.
But if they are real….ewwww.
I agree with Nathalie, give scifi a try. Of course, that’s what I primarily write, and no, never wrote a line like any of those listed…thank goodness. If I ever tried (not that I would) my editor would whack me over the head with something and say NO! lol
Those were drop jaw bad…oh so bad.
He thrust into her at last, only to discover that his father was right –- it really was just like Mom’s blood-liver pie.
Really? I’m thinking this one is actually the worst line ever…not just in sci-fi. How did it only reach #4????
Gotta be jokes, since the site also has worst sci fi moments ever with things like Jabba going on Atkins.
Funny though. I wanna be a Vaginarian.
Spam word: coming92. Er…
I like this one best (or should I saw worst?):
7> After many attempts by the rookie space cadet, the spaceship finally fit snugly into the landing bay, but he had opened the escape hatch too soon, spilling the ship’s occupants on to the floor.
What a way to describe premature ejaculation! :)
Gold Plated Garbage Truck doesn’t look so bad anymore…
Now I’m replaying the Pixar short Lifted whenever I think of Line #7. :P
The list is missing something important:
They’re just jokes, guys, don’t worry. I get the mailing list they came from originally, it’s called Top 5 Sci-Fi, and this is fairly standard fare. Pretty funny, though.
Bwahahaha! Those were so awesomely bad. I’m sitting here, collapsed in helpless giggles.
#5… micromachines? You mean like the little cars?
This is the like the Bulwer-Lytton awards where people try to write bad but funny stuff.
OK, I have to admit it: #2 made me laugh.
If these are just jokes, I have to say… the first/last one (#8) is scarily accurate. I admit to rolling out my fair share of clunky lines, and that one mimicks the style of a standard clunker accurately. Sometimes, in the search for inventiveness, you wind up with a human-hair lightbulb.
Incidentally, I just figured out that it’s probably supposed to be read literally, instead of metaphorically—feelin’ up a gal with your eye stalks, oh yeaaaahhhh. Heh.
”I was touched by His Noodly Appendage”
YUCKKKKK
That does need to be on the list.
I need to go wash now.
This would be much funnier if they cited the books they came from; as it is, I think (as Ann did) that this was a Bulwer-Lytton contest type of deal.
As a fan of both SF and science fiction romance, these lines had me thinking along two completely divergent paths.
On the one hand, they represent just about the worst of SF *and* romance. I admit to spewing coffee from a bout of mirth.
On the other hand, I felt dismayed because there are so many excellent writers who craft great lines and stories in these genres. I’d hate for potential readers to lose out on some terrific reading just because the parody/goofy stories/lines exist.
As a fan, I’ll admit, I’m the first one to laugh, but I’ll also plead for folks to not dismiss an entire genre just because of a few poor quality books.
SF/SFR is kind of like green eggs and ham. Just try it is all I’m asking…you might like it.
These are some real sf clunkers:
Live Thog’s Masterclass I hope everyone appreciates Heinlein’s sprung nipple.
A *good* example of sci-fi erotica?
“The Russian Commander spun in her chair, “Spare me the unctuousness; sincerity is an erect penis.”
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the world would be a sadder place without these books and their reviews so thanks Diana and Nonnie for making me LOL and depositing a fine spray of a very nice white on my poor abused screen! CHEERS….
Do you suppose the LUNA fantasy books she writes as Susan Kyle have biscuits in ‘em, too?
I’m getting in line with Lorelie to ask Nonnie to be mine all mine. ZOMG, that is good stuff!
@Sao - Tell that to the men who say “All girls like anal, they just don’t know it yet.”
For me it’s not a hygiene reason. I don’t like sex and I REALLY don’t like anal ANYTHING. No butt plugs…
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11.01.07 at 05:00 AM