YouareviewingentriesfromSeptember2005

CoronationCeremonyforTHIS!Christine

by SB Sarah Friday, September 30, 2005 at 12:44 PM

Congrats to THIS! Christine who guessed correctly: Lily Tremaine from Night Shadow by Catherine Coulter.

Kneel and receive your title!

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Categories: Guess That Lonely Heart!

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GuessThatLonelyHeart

by SB Sarah Friday, September 30, 2005 at 10:34 AM

Another Friday, another chance to guess the heroine and win yourself a Smart Bitch Title™! You know the drill - be the first to correctly guess the heroine’s name, the title, and the author, and you win.

Unexpected Arrivals Seek Permanent Home

Young “widow” seeks safe haven for herself and three Very Young Persons after fleeing ugly and grabby-handed guardian. I’m looking for my charming knight in a smoking jacket, and the four of us intend to turn your regal bachelor life on its head. But you’ll have to earn my trust and the trust of the Very Young People, and get over your conflict-sustaining beliefs about me, to earn our happy ending.

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Categories: Guess That Lonely Heart!

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TheBookofAngels,Chapter2,Part2

by Candy Thursday, September 29, 2005 at 09:23 AM

OK, for those of you who were curious about what I was doing with the SASS (Stupid-Ass Serial Story), here’s the next installment. It’s not as polished as I’d like it to be, and parts of it are infodumpy, but man, I’m sick to death of looking at it and I know that if I don’t post it now, I’ll spend weeks tweaking a word here and a word there instead of moving on with the story.

So be warned. It’s pretty rough reading. I’ll probably head back and re-write parts of it in the future, and I’ll let you know if I change anything substantial instead of just nitpicky wordchoice crap.

The usual disclaimery stuff:

1. These here words copyright 2005 by Candy Tan.
Creative Commons License

This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-ShareAlike 2.5 License.

2. No research was done for the writing of this chapter. I’m lazy, yo.

3. Story not guaranteed to be readable. No professional editor has looked at it. For this particular section, not even friends looked at it.

4. Git your chapter one here, and chapter two, part one here.

More,more,more!>
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Categories: Serial Novel: The Book of Angels

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ADametoKillFor:SinCityBook2byFrankMiller

by Candy Tuesday, September 27, 2005 at 08:00 AM
Our Grade:
A
Title: A Dame to Kill For: Sin City Book 2
Author: Frank Miller
Publication Info: Dark Horse 2005, ISBN: 1593072945
Genre: Graphic Novel

Mmmmm, Dwight. Damaged, borderline-psychotic Dwight. Bam was right: he’s nummy. Buy this book. Read it. Fall in dirty, dirty lust with Dwight.

Wait, I’m getting ahead of myself. Ahem. Let me try again:

Dwight, like just about every Sin City character you’d care to name, has problems. The love of his life left him years ago for a rich man, he lost his job as an award-winning photographer for Alcohol-Related Reasons that aren’t elaborated in the book, and he’s now reduced to sneaking around, taking pictures of husbands behaving badly for a hilariously sleazy private detective.

Then a blast (no, make that the blast) from the past, Ava, shows up. She makes noises about her life being in danger. And she’s being shadowed by a huge (and I mean huge) motherfucker who’s allegedly her husband’s chauffeur.

Dwight has two weaknesses: booze and dames. One weakness feeds off the other. But Ava isn’t a weakness for Dwight so much as she is his San Andreas Fault: when he sticks around her long enough, catastrophic things happen, and vital chunks of himself threaten to tear free from the mainland.

Wow, check out that analogy I just made. That’s, like, deep, man.

Anyway, complications arise. Complications involving blood, and lots of it. And Dwight goes on a rampage, first with the help of your favorite delusional thug and mine, Marv, then with the help of the working girls in Old Town.

This story starts out slower than The Hard Goodbye, but once it got going, I couldn’t put it down. One of the neat things about the story is that it happens concurrently with The Hard Goodbye and you get to see little vignettes from the last book interspersed in this novel, often as background action. The stories stand alone very well, but it’s a lot of fun looking at the scenes from different perspectives, and figuring out the timeline for various events relative to the timeline of The Hard Goodbye.

The characters in this one are every bit as fascinating as the characters in the first book. Dwight is hot. Have I mentioned that? No? H-O-T. Hot. He’s quixotic and gallant, the way Marv is, but unlike Marv, he’s not confused, and he’ll hurt a woman if presented with enough provocation.

I’m not normally into pain, but let me say this: Dwight can hurt me any time.

This book also introduces the prostitutes of Old Town, including one of my favorites, deadly little Miho and her array of sharp objects.

For those of you who liked the movie* and were wondering why Dwight needed plastic surgery, this story explains it all.

My only complaint, minor as it is, is that Dwight is a lot less hawt after his plastic surgery, largely because of his gay-ass haircut. What the hell? I mean, fine, he couldn’t be hot and bald any more because hot and bald is a pretty distinct look, and the point of extensive reconstructive plastic surgery is to disguise your look, but DEAR GOD couldn’t Frank Miller have given him a better haircut? That floppy center part should only be sported by sissy-boy Hong Kong pop singers, not tough-as-fuck characters for a noir graphic novel.

Other than that, this book was a blast to read. Go. Read. And revel in the hotness that is Dwight.


*An observation about the movie sparked after reading this: man, Clive Owen doesn’t do Dwight justice in the movie. Not even close. Yes, he’s yummy, and yes, gallantry oozes from his pores the way oil does from mine after a meal at Popeye’s, but he doesn’t have the raw sexuality and crazy edge that Dwight exudes in the book. Plus the way he struggled with the American accent was distracting. I think Christian Bale would’ve done a better job, because Lord knows he’s proven himself capable of playing psychos, both amiable and not-so-amiable. Plus he’s hawt, and built--I mean, seriously, Dwight in the book is BUILT, yo.

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Categories: Non-Romance Reviews: Graphic NovelsReviews by Author, L-PReviews by Grade: A

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Pimpin’moreauctions

by Candy Tuesday, September 27, 2005 at 06:17 AM

Inga Mahn lost just about everything due to Hurricane Katrina. Seriously: her house? It’s gone. Not destroyed, not demolished. Gone. Poof.

Amy E., that magnificent bitch, has organized a series of auctions in her benefit, to help her and her family rebuild. Sarah and I agreed to contribute the following items for auction:

Three months worth of ads, including ad design.

An author interview, wherein you get to pimp yourself, your books, and hell, whatever you want to, up to and including your fabulous perm.

A manuscript critque--a FULL manuscript critique, bitches, not just the usual partial + synopsis.

BID, MOTHERFUCKERS. Don’t make us look bad, or we’ll cut choo like a peeeg.

Plus, you’ll be helping out Inga.

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Categories: NewsThe Link-O-Lator

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LookinginthefaceofE-vil:MoreE-bookCoversGoneWrong

by Candy Monday, September 26, 2005 at 06:37 AM

Sarah:

Beavis: Whoa!
Butthead: WHOA!
Beavis: She’s like, naked! With armbands!
Butthead:Huh huh. Yeah.
Beavis: And she’s gonna get stabbed by that CHURCH! YEAH!
Butthead: Huh huh.That’s cool.
Beavis: Stab her! Stab her in the BUTT!
Butthead: Huh huh huh huh. Tell her to move her hand first so we can see her boobs.
Beavis: Yeah! BOOBS
Butthead: Yeah. Huh huh.

Candy: Wow. I can hear the headlines: “Devastating S&M Tragedy! Woman’s spine pierced through with a pointy castle roof. Find out more about this deadly new fetish. Pointy castle roof fetishists: are they warping our children’s minds? THEY’RE OUT OF THE CLOSET--AND IN OUR STREETS! More at 11.”

Sarah: Gosh, could that hero look any more excited about the posing hottie in front of him?

Ho hum. Another Scarlet Cavern. Gee. There are some boobs. They look rather large and oblong, like someone pulled them southward.

Hmm. Perhaps I’m not the first to enter her scarlet cavern. It is a cavern after all.

Candy: Man, that is possibly THE nastiest peroxide job to end all peroxide jobs on that chick there--and there have been some really skanky-lookin’ blondes on romance novel covers.

And the guy… I could’ve sworn I saw him on Faces of Meth. If he isn’t on there already, he will be soon. He also needs a Silkwood shower in the worst way. That’s probably why he doesn’t look too excited by the equally nasty blonde hobag stripping down in front of him. He’s too busy suppressing the urge to scratch at his scabies.

Sarah: Now that I’ve started breathing again after falling on the floor in twisty laughter, let me attempt to address just one thing that is wrong with this cover.

Does she have a tumor on her ass? Or a saddle horn? Because her back isn’t long enough for the dude to be holding onto her ass. My ass doesn’t curve around like that. My back doesn’t bend like that, either.

Candy: The force of attraction… of being a certified proctologist.

Romance novel cover models really need to learn that Astroglide is their friend. Really, look at all the pained expressions. All those dry runs up Hershey Creek make Baby Jesus a sad panda.

Sarah: The ride in question is the lowride of her jeans, I bet. Even SIMs should not have to have a bikini wax before they put their jeans on.

Man, he has some little hands on the ends of those beefy arms, too.

Jeez louise.

Candy: The danger in this ride is the elevated risk of contracting genital herpes. That, and getting splinters in your ass from humping on that rickety-ass looking fence.

Man, these models look naaarsty. What the hell is up with that hair? Did she superglue it on to her titties? Why? To cover the fact that she has more nipple hair? Or the fact that one of her nipples bears a disturbing resemblance to Doogie Howser’s face? Inquiring minds want to know.

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Categories: Covers Gone Wild! (Non-Snoop Dogg Edition)

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RomanticConversationwithSarahandHubby

by SB Sarah Sunday, September 25, 2005 at 12:46 PM

Sunday afternoon, watching the Steelers game, and creating SBTB prizes, Sarah and Hubby had the following conversation:

Sarah: Oh my God.

Hubby: What?

Sarah: There is a romance novel.

Hubby: Yeah?

Sarah: Called What an Earl Wants

Hubby: NUH UH.

Sarah: YEAH HUH.

Hubby: That is just AWESOMELY bad.

Sarah: I know. Wow. 

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Categories: The Link-O-Lator

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Findyournextbook!

by SB Sarah Saturday, September 24, 2005 at 06:12 PM

Here’s a fun toy, though I haven’t gotten the best of results with it: What Should I Read Next?.

Enter a book you like and their database of real readers’ recommendations will suggest something.

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Categories: Fun And GamesThe Link-O-Lator

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Rubilei’sCoronationCeremony

by SB Sarah Friday, September 23, 2005 at 12:40 PM

Congratulations to Rubilei, for guessing this week’s Guess That Lonely Heart. Nice job - the correct answer was Christina Bennett from Julie Garwood’s The Lion’s Lady.

Kneel and receive your fabulous prize, as the Smart Bitches Dub Thee:

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Categories: Guess That Lonely Heart!

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GuessThatLonelyHeart

by SB Sarah Friday, September 23, 2005 at 11:34 AM

It’s time for our Friday funk: give me the name of the heroine, the title of the book, and the name of the author, and do so expediently, and we Smart Bitches who Confuseth Michelles shall bestow upon you a fine Smarte Bitche Title!

Driven lady seeks warrior lord

Blonde beauty with earthy upbringing seeks rakishly confident noble warrior to help me attain revenge. Must be willing to deal with plainly spoken miss, one who stubbornly refuses to divulge the truth of who I am. Must also not be alarmed should I eat the shrubbery.

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Categories: Guess That Lonely Heart!

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RomanticBitchesAssociation:Now,withForumGoodness!

by Candy Friday, September 23, 2005 at 09:10 AM

Ahem. Now that I’ve recovered from my fit of hysterics, here’s some other totally awesome news: The Romantic Bitches Association has its own forum now. Hie thee there and check it out! And if you haven’t joined yet--well, what are you waiting for? We’re totally fucking awesome.

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Categories: News

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BOOYAHWHO’STHEWINNERNOW,HUH?HUH??????

by Candy Friday, September 23, 2005 at 08:50 AM

OK, I’m totally stealing Michele’s thunder here for which I apologize but I can’t help it because wheeeeeee I totally won this auction on AAR Aid for eight autographed Loretta Chase books and WOOOOOOO and holy crap I just spent over $200 on books when I told myself “No books until you’ve moved and settled in” but who fucking cares, autographed copies of Loretta Chase novels aahhhhhhh and I mean ahhhhhhh ahhhh aaaahhhhhhh ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

Wheeeeee and also ahhhhhhh.

OK, need to stop hyperventliating.

BUT AHHHHHH EIGHT AUTOGRAPHED COPIES! INCLUDING LORD OF SCOUNDRELS! AHHHHHHHH!

(I’m also happy the money is going to a good cause. But have I also mentioned AHHHHHH I WON WOOO LORETTA CHASE AHHHHH!)

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Categories: News

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GoofyNames,ANewTitleGenerator,AndaNewContest:TheWinner!

by SB Sarah Friday, September 23, 2005 at 06:23 AM

The accounting firm of Bitchypoo and Crankypants have tabulated our results, and we are proud to crown the winner, Michele, for her entry, Longing for the Vigilant Outlaw.

Ffor all of you who fflocked to our site to ffling your votes, thank you ffondly!

Now summon the ffair maidens to throw fflowers at your ffeet! Michele, kneel and receive your prize, as the Smart Bitches hereby dub the:

Congratulations and thank you to all our ffine participants!

UPDATE: Pregnancy brain strikes again. My apologies to our two Michel(l)es - most humbly I admit I got confused! 

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Categories: Fun And GamesGo Ahead, Win Some Shit

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Swimminginaseaofporn

by Candy Thursday, September 22, 2005 at 07:57 AM

I saw the link to this hilarious article about female porn on HelenKay’s blog a few days ago, and meant to make fun of it. Unfortunately, a shiny object came along and distr--oh, hey, look, disco ball!

Tragedy, when the feeling's gone and you can't go on it's tragedy!

Whoops, where was I? Anyway, yeah, this article? HILARIOUS. Read it. Pay attention to their definition of what’s pornographic, to wit:

pornography – 3: the depiction of acts in a sensational manner so as to arouse a quick intense emotional reaction

I’m not going to bother deconstructing the article, because, well, it’s just too goddamn easy, and it doesn’t offer anything new that I haven’t yelled about a bunch of times already on this forum. I will, however, provide lots of links to some primo prurience, going strictly by their definition of what constitutes pornography.

Badly-drawn religious tracts: PORN-O-RAMA!

I always thought she was batshit insane, but now I know better: she’s pornographic too!

Porn for Democrats and Liberals!

Not to neglect the other side: Porn for Republicans and Conservatives!

Unf unf unf unf: Meatpackers are sexxxxxxy

OMG! Porn involving UNBORN CHILDREN!!!!!!!!! (Mo’ exclamation points = mo’ outrage)

Actually, come to think of it, the article itself is pretty pornographic. Look at how it sensationalizes the act of reading or watching a movie (I mean, COME ON: “When a single woman leaves a steamy chick flick only to return home alone to her cats and tub of ice cream, a part of her breaks—the heart part”? BWAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA), all in the name of arousing shame and outrage.

Porn-mongers: they’re everywhere. Are YOU protected?

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Categories: The Link-O-Lator

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SocialStudies:FascinationswithClass

by SB Sarah Wednesday, September 21, 2005 at 05:11 AM

I was ruminating in the shower last night because I had just thrown a Regency - a traditional Regency, specifically, one that’s not much bigger than a Harlequin in size, and features a heroine in an empire-waist dress on the cover - in my bag. (Tangent: what did the big busted girls do in that age with all those empire waist dresses? If I wear one? I look like a buxom hobag. For an age of decency, what was up with that?)

Anyway, as I was saying before I was distracted by my own breasts, the Regency in question features a non-titled gentleman and a non-titled heroine living on the “outskirts” of the ton, and yet I was totally intrigued by the back cover copy. This is surprising because, I must admit, I am a sucker for the titled characters. I’m not as willing to accept romances across social lines, and since the boundaries between classes were so defined at that point, I never really believed that a true happily ever after was possible between classes, even though I know it happened on occasion.

For example, Kinsale’s Flowers from the Storm ended with a brief discussion of how Jervaulx and Maddie would weather (har) the treatment they would each receive in their lifetimes, since she was distinctly of a lower class and also his wife. It’s one thing for the man to throw off convention and marry someone of a lower class, since he won’t likely suffer social ostracization to the extent that she would, particularly if he is possessing any degree of power or influence. Or if he’s a snazzy dresser. A variety of social sins can be forgiven of a snazzily dressed man.

But the woman in question, marrying up or down? Ouch.

So I prefer to go in knowing that there isn’t any major class boundary between the hero or heroine - and I must confess some snobbery as to whether the characters are titled or not when it comes to a historical selection. I don’t know why I’m fascinated with the titled vs. the non-titled, and I fully admit to my own prejudices in this department, but give me two musicales, a few balls, maybe some Almack’s for spice, and toss two characters in there of a certain class, and I’m intrigued. I do giggle at the thought that each novel talks about how rare the love match is, and yet there are bagillions of romance novels featuring ton love matches, and not one of those happy couples knows the others. But yet, I never get tired of it.

I have to question, though, as I know I am not the only one with this preference given the glut of romances featuring the noble and titled, why we readers actively seek stories of titled characters of the elite class. A friend of mine who also reads romance once said to me, “Look, this is my brain candy, and my fantasy time. I want titled people in opulent settings, and I want the hero tall, dark, handsome, rich, Lordly and successful.”

And by Lordly, I am assuming she meant that people addressed him as such, and not that he was priestly.

Just about every European country has a titled class, even today, even countries that have parliamentary governments. And given the number of magazines like Hello! that follow the clothes and babies of the rich and titled, there are plenty of people who like to know what they are doing, what they are wearing and what strollers they push.

There are shades of our fascination with the titled in the US, as we are always treated to news about the British ruling family, and on top of that we manufacture our own royalty, from the Kennedys to the celebrities in movies and on tv. Now, I have a theory that Americans are obsessed with royalty in similar fashion to our obsession with luxury, because we love to consume us some material goods. So even though I might be Sarah from Pittsburgh, I can carry the same handbag as the Crown Princess of Norway, and wear the same shoes as Princess Letizia of Spain, and I can even find out that my baby is due the same week as Princess Mary of Denmark. While the baby obviously is coincidence, I can bring myself to having a possession in common with any number of royal individuals - minus that one key item: the title.

You can buy one, if you’re up to the challenge of verifying the title’s veracity, and I personally would love to purchase myself the title “Lady Puddington,” but I think part of the fascination is really that, despite the high number of luxury items that can be bought by just about anyone with a credit line, the title is the one thing you can’t really purchase.

Perhaps that allure of unattainability is part of the reader’s fascination with class and titles. I also know that among the readership of this here site there are many who bristle at the class structures of past and present set novels, and deliberately seek out novels that break the boundaries with innovative plots.

So, do you prefer the titled vs. the common hero or heroine? And why do you think so many readers prefer romances that focus specifically on a particular upper class?