Smart Bitches Trashy Books | All of the romance, none of the bullshit.

Here are a few of my answers:

Best author I discovered

Lani Diane Rich and PC Cast PC Cast is gifted beyond my ability to gush in reworking detailed mythology into hot romance. And Lani Diane Rich writes phrases that stick with me, like how family has the ability to juggle knives over your heart like no other people on earth.

Emma Holly Rwor! Romantic erotica and mythological retelling! Whoo damn!

Scott & Scott’s Romentics - gay romance that is hot, happy, and sexy!

Worst book I read this year

While I picked her as one of the best authors I discovered, I was not at all taken with Emma Holly’s steampunk Yama series, particularly The Demon’s Daughter, which, of course, Candy thought was rather great.

But we both agree: Linda Howard books are to be avoided. Especially when the novel in question features a hero who puts on the condom abou 45 minutes before the action starts. Because they are so comfortable, you know.

Best new books I read

Time Off for Good Behavior and Brighid’s Quest are among best books I’ve read in 2005. No question. Both stuck with me and I could describe the details of each story, and the secondary characters months after I read them - and if I pick them up I start reading them again without skimming.

And if I read the ending of Goddess of Spring again I’ll cry some more.

More coming soon, between diaper changes and naps! 

Entry #1

Inspirational Spam Phrase: My Savage Mountaineer

When proud, abstinent “No, No” Nanette Breed finds herself stranded high in the Swiss Alps, she has no one to turn to but the man who once took her dewdrop and broke her heart.  Though Nanette claims to hate Glen McIntyre for his past betrayal, she can’t resist the sexy, lederhosen-clad charter worker from the wrong side of the tracks who once made her body cry out in savage ecstasy.

Now a rich pancake mogul, Glen is ready to claim the only woman he’s ever truly wanted.  The years haven’t damped the heat between them.  Soon, Glen is sexing Nanette’s slippery slopes and exploring her “oubliette” - but can he slalom his way into her heart?

For Nanette, love is a black diamond run, fraught with peril.  She’s on a downhill course, and there isn’t a friendly St. Bernard in sight!  Will Glen and Nanette’s love soar like the proud condor above the jagged peaks and valleys of their shattered past, or will it crash off course like Sonny Bono on a weekend trip to Reno?

For love, “No, No” Nanette must learn if she is woman enough to tame the Savage Mountaineer.

Entry #2

Inspirational Spam Phrase: All of them

“Savage Abstinence”

On the rich pancake world of Slotoole, Glenn Mcintyre, the Pilates instructor and mountain climber, knew that Brad Pitt could always smell some telepathic pouch.  Sofia, in her skulking hedonism, envied Nanette Breed’s shining daemon dewdrop of love. They met in the morgue’s oubilette, into which each had fallen trying to escape codling and crucifixion at the hands of the Bi Murphy.  Would Glen heed his heart’s calling to “Go, buy!, you charter worker”?  Would Sofia succumb to Glen’s sewage thinking and get laid tonight by that intrepid mountaineer?  Or would they both meet the ultimate fate and be damned for their savage abstinence?

Entry #3

Inspirational Spam Phrase: savage be abstinent on damnation

A THIRD OPTION

Damien has a troubling secret: He’s the son of Beelzebub, and an obscure text known as Satan’s Bible foretells that his child will be the antichrist. Determined to alter his fate he denies his heterosexual desires and flees to the decadent Castro district of San Francisco. If he’s not
strong enough to remain abstinent, at least he can slake his savage lust in a way that won’t risk impregnating anyone.

Bennie, king of the bathhouse blowjob, isn’t what he appears to be. At one time he was Bernice. He never lets it go beyond blowjobs, though. He can’t. Tranny love isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. But he’s never had to stand up to the determined seduction of a man like Damien.

Will the carnal desires of these two lead to the eternal damnation of us all? Or can they find a third option?

Entry #4

Inspirational Spam Phrase: Brad Pitt Has One

Jeopardy and the Jolie Pitt

“This book is like Viagra - I stayed up all night.  Rage Ng Hardon is going places!”
--- USA Today

F.B.I. agent Tom Bishop has heard the rumors of how he killed his partner and concealed the crime.  The problem is that he can’t remember anything about the bust that went bad.  Doctors are puzzled by Tom’s memory loss, while Tom battles strange side-effects - he’s developed a deep telepathic connection with Brad Pitt.  Unable to return to work, Tom begins his recovery at home where his wife and children are thrilled to have him but his superiors are anxious to know the truth about that fateful night.

Plagued by nightmares that plunge him into the life of Brad Pitt, Tom finds himself on the run from the F.B.I. and from his family as he struggles to maintain the balance between fiction and fantasy.  Soon he’s living the high life in Los Angeles even as he searches the seedy underbelly of the city for answers that will help him regain his old life.  His clues are hidden deep within the scripts of Pitt’s movies and Tom must give himself up to the telepathic connection in order to solve the riddles.

In this web of loyalty and betrayal, of reality and lies, Tom must fight for his sanity before he can begin to fight for his life.

Entry #5

Inspirational Spam Phrase: Smell some telepathic pouch, be talk of shining daemon, bi murphy crucifixion, Glen Mcintyre pilate, Get Slotoole on skulk, morgue oubilette, thinking is sewage, savage be abstinent on damnation

Sweet Savage Abstinence

Lady Morgue-Rose Kensington thought her life was over when the queen had her tossed into the oubliette.  She had expected the bosom-high fetid water, the death stench, but she never expected to find true love.  Only the most dastardly of criminals ended life in this stink hole of death and Shining Daemon Roo, the nightmare inspiring scourge of the high seas, was the worst.  But from the moment he caught her in his sewage-slick, heavily muscled arms she knew she was destined to love him despite his devil’s ability to read minds and his unnerving marsupial mutation.

But their obstacle-ridden romance seemed doomed from the first.  They were never alone.  Sir Glen Mcintyre Pilate, a man whose strange exercise routine had him sentenced to death for magical tampering has terrifying plans in store for them.  And Roo worries for Slotoole Murphy, his second in command.  As the water rises and sharp objects are thrown in from above, more than once he awakens to find Murphy has nailed himself to the walls.

Can the would be lovers find their way out of the oubliette?  Will Lady Morgue ever get used to Daemon Roo’s tendency to tuck her in and skulk?  And last but not least, will they ever get a chance to end their sweet, savage abstinence?

Entry #6

Inspirational Spam Phrase: Sofia in Hedonism

Lady Sofia du’Pastelpanties is in a bind--her guardian is determined to marry her for her tricked-out stud farm, but Sofia wants the pleasure of dominating all those Arabian studs for herself!

Lord Colt Fairfax comes to visit the corral, only to be made a desperate propostition by the unbridled Sofia: marry her for the studs, but give her the reins!

Will Colt’s hedonism force him to look this gift horse in the mouth?

Entry #7

Inspirational Spam Phrase: in fall hes codling

“Not since Sofia in Hedonism has an author captured such an erotic and evocative story of two people meant to be together” – American TreuLurve & Morality-Minders Association

DEEPER THAN THE OCEAN

From the first moment she saw him, she smelled the ocean, and felt the waves crashing relentlessly against the shore of her resistance…

The pisciphile…

Scylla Von Pisces was a brilliant and determined woman in her prime, determined to use her dual passions for mythology and marine biology to become the world’s first Preternatural Ichthyologist.  Just as she seems to be making headway into her dreams, she is kidnapped by the mysterious Baron Milt Gadus-morhua, a man who by turns infuriates her and inflames her unfulfilled passions.

And the werecod

Resigned to a life of poikilothermic political intrigue, Milt despaired of ever finding a someone who could be both his spawning partner and wife.  When he hears that his people are threatened by some headstrong academic bent on exposure, Milt decides he must kidnap the dangerous adversary and eliminate the threat – but he never expected the enemy to be a woman of passion, fire, and fishy desire.

But the spawning of their love is threatened when a global thermonuclear crisis jeopardizes the delicate ecology of the oceans they both love… and the rampant passion they each fight flares between them hotter than ground zero.

“Brilliant!  A feisty and original romance, a stimulating first time from a novice…” – Ivana Salmon, author of Hunting and Fishing for a Hot Time

Entry #8

Inspirational Spam Phrase: get laid tonight mountaineer

Life on Laidback Mountain

Lincoln MacHoman, owner and wilderness tour leader of the Lodge at Bare Crack Woods on Laidback Mountain, BFE, was a loner, a man of much money but few words.  A lifetime ago, Linc had been a real estate mogul; during the real estate bust, he’d been burned by a gold-digging woman who’d lost interest in him when his net worth plummeted.  He’d regained his fortune, but not his trust in women.  Especially the kind of women who trailed out to the Lodge to looking for a cushy ride, now that he was solvent again. He took what they gave so “freely” and gave nothing in return.

Blaze Nieves was a emotionally scarred woman who felt as ugly as her past.  Born to the town pump, the women in town reviled her and the men assumed she was as easy as her mother.  She’d spent years trying to avoid being noticed, a hard task since she had inherited her mother’s lush beauty.  All she wanted was to live in peace and quiet.  After her mother’s scandalous death, her life in her mother’s shadow had finally ended.  On her way to a new life on the coast, she broke down on Laidback Mountain. 

When their eyes met that night, over the hood of Blaze’s dusty ‘95 Hyundai, their lives changed forever.  Their passion was hot enough to melt the snow off of Laidback Mountain.  But can the lusty mountaineer and the shy spinster find happiness together?  Only the mountain knows.

Entry #9

Inspirational Spam Phrase: “Smell some telepathic pouch”

He followed his nose…

Blind, deaf desertrider Droke knows that only one woman can save his people from the curse of the deadly Withering. Wielding a mighty sword, he will seek her using his crack smelling skills alone. But when the trail leads him to the home of his deadliest enemy, Droke is torn between ancient belief and the passion of the woman whose power he stirs from the very deep…

But can she follow her heart?

Princess Lyth-Shenna has been raised a virgin priestess devoted to the Goddess. But a night of passionate love with the strange barbarian from the west awakens visions of desire unlike any she has known before. Cast off from her tribe, can the fiery redhead learn to control the magic that emanates from her very woman’s cove… and the desire she feels for the mysterious man who scented out her destiny?

Entry #10

Inspirational Spam Phrase: savage be abstinent on damnation, be talk of shining daemon

And, says the author, just for fun I also threw in a spam subject line from my own inbox - “venial sylph”.

“Sweet Shining Daemon”

Ravishingly beautiful Virginia Vickers, the innocent daughter of Vicar Victor Vickers, was untouched until the night she walked into a moonlit glade and lost her heart to a man like none she’d ever seen before.

His name was Damon.  Half-human, half-daemon, he had the face of an angel and a body made for sin.  He fit into neither the world of men, nor of daemons, and he thought he would never know love until he looked into Virginia’s shining eyes and knew she could be his salvation.

They shared one passionate kiss, and as Virginia felt their hearts beat as one, she was ready to sacrifice her innocence upon the altar of his mighty thews.  Then suddenly he disappeared from her arms, sucked into the depths of hell, where only the magic of Virginia’s virginity can save him from his daemon father’s curse.

Will he fall under the spell of a venial sylph in the pits of hell, betraying Virginia and utterly destroying their chance for happiness?  Or will her savage be abstinent on damnation, allowing Virginia to raise him to rapturous heights and forever make him her Sweet Shining Daemon?

Entry #11

Look Rich Pancake Ecstasy

Gentle Southern heiress Suzette-Nanette Worth could scarcely believe her amethyst eyes. The raven-haired beauty sought to escape the unnatural advances of her uncle, Gettysburg Slotoole and seek refuge as a nurse in the Rebel army… only to fall into the hands of a Yankee spy! She vowed never to betray her homeland and childhood sweetheart, but the sensual agent’s masterful embraces drove her wild with desire even as her resistance melted in the white-hot heat of his velvet passion!

Passionate Dewdrop on Nanette Breed

Embittered by torture at the hands of a sadistic Confederate general, US Government Agent Glenfiddich McIntyre lived for revenge. When he discovered the his hated enemy’s niece stowed away on a fishing vessel, he vowed to make her his mistress and force her to reveal the whereabouts of Slotoole’s ill-gotten gains. His despicable foe had stolen Glen’s inheritance, including his mother’s treasured dewdrop diadem. The swarthy privateer would not rest until he had destroyed his adversary - no feisty Southern vixen would dissuade him from his plans!

In fall he’s codling rapture

Glen refused to be beguiled by Nanette’s perfumed tresses and captivating innocence. But her fiery nature roused his deepest passions even as her gentle sweetness soothed his aching heart. Pledged to another, she fled the silken chains of his passionate captivity. He vowed find her and bind her to him forever, but could his savage love be abstinent on damnation until they finally reached…

*fanfare*

Ecstasy’s Crystal Paradise

Entry #12

Inspirational Spam Phrase: sofia in hedonism

First there was Sofia in Idealism, then Sofia in Communism, and now Merry Boinkin brings you the final chapter of the Sofia trilogy: Sofia in Hedonism. 

Fed up with Karl Marx’s unfeeling reaction to her needs, Sofia uses her newly discovered psychic powers to travel back in time.  While intending to set into motion a plan to keep Karl from embracing his anti-capitalist beliefs, Sofia finds instead Donatien, the Marquis de Sade, a man who listens to her deepest desires. 

Imprisoned together in the dungeon of Vincennes for his beliefs and her belief in him, Sofia is suddenly torn between Donatien and the Comte de Mirabeau, his bitter rival.  Will Donatien be the man to awaken her passion that dare not be named, or will Mirabeau unlock her heart.

Set against the backdrop of the beginning of the French Revolution, Coming and Going Weekly, calls Sofia in Hedonism a “lavish splash of eroticism in a historical context.  Sofia embodies the desires in all of us, bound by societal mores, moaning to be free.”

Whips and Chains gives it a cat-o’-nine tails (excellent) rating, “Not to be missed,” while Playboy says, “[I’ll] play Donatien to some woman’s Sofia any day.”

Entry #13

My life just keeps getting weirder and weirder. A cross-dressing secretary, neighbors who look like they stepped off the covers of some e-pub’s worst sims day ever, and a mute, Mr. Miyagi-looking garbageman. I can deal with it, mostly.

I’d been receiving prank calls with astonishing regularity as of late, including the garden variety of heavy breathing, assorted vulgarisms, and impossible suggestions. I’ve heard it all: “dewdrop on nanette breed”, “bi murphy crucifixion”, and the ever-popular “get laid tonight, mountaineer”.

But today’s call became something else, entirely.

The Ominous Accented Voice said, “A leeetle baby weenie. An incredibly small phallus. No prick to speak of. Brad Pitt always had a tiny one.” The call ended with an evil laugh, but I was too pissed to be afraid.

Bastard.

Some things are simply sacred. Sacrosanct. Holy. Inviolate. Brad’s peter is one of these things.

Mr. Mystery DID NOT just bring my loverboy into this. Someone is trying to tell me that my illicit dreams of nookie with Mr. Smith are as a puff of smoke, that my imaginings of just what the lovelylicious Bradders has stuffed in his Jockeys are but a fancy of my overly fertile imagination.

This is just wrong on SO many levels. And for this insult, someone shall surely die.

I’m dubbing this “The Case of the Mis-measured Schlong”. Join me as we delve deep into secrets, insecurities and jealousies.

The Voice will rue the day he messed with me and Brad.

~ Tits McFlashem, Private Investigator

Sarah:It’s New Year’s Resolution time again, and we here at the Smart Bitchery think there are several poor habits that need breaking and fast. Let’s start with the obvious: Stop using Poser. Just stop. Everyone. Step away from the Poser and no one gets hurt.

Second, stop gluing your girlfriend’s hair in your armpits. That’s just gross.

Third, stop using the Nelson twins as inspiration for your covers.

Candy: What the guy doesn’t know is that the woman has slipped something into his drink--a very powerful drug that causes his boobs to grow upward, upward, ever upward until they crush his trachea and thereby end his life.

Sarah:Wait, isn’t that Christine Taylor? Only with dark hair and a broken neck?

Who is that with her? Chris Noth with long hair? And what’s wrong with his fingers?

Candy She can bend her head at that alarming ninety-degree angle because she’s a wind-up doll, not unlike the female wabbit dolls Elmer Fudd would sic on Bugs. Trust me: 5 seconds after this shot was taken, there was a loud “BOOM!” and homeboy there was left with that stupid pucker still on his face, except his face was comically singed, his eyes were wide, wide open and his hair was standing up in fright-spikes.

Sarah:Don’t tell me; Will Farrell and Christina Aguilera? In a swamp? With a blue dragon? It’s a very beefy Will Farrell, though. Not only do we have major man-titty action, but what’s that about to bust through his trousers? Is his little dragon coming out to play?

Candy: I get it now, I really do: dragon = massive wang. Please stop hitting me over the head with it, because really, I don’t enjoy being slapped in the face with massive, scaly cocks (either literal or representational) until I get to know the person much, much better.

As for the lusty concealed weapon yon shirtless wonder is sporting: I have a feeling that he and the bassist from Spinal Tap have a lot in common. A LOT. I just hope he doesn’t have to go through any airport metal detectors any time soon.

Sarah:WHY GOD WHYYYY?! This is just ... I don’t… DUDE. “The Sex is Out There?” I don’t even know what to say. Artfully coiffed Mulder-lookalike grabbing onto a Scully with big huge boobies and porn star hair?

I’m howling. In pain.

Candy: I find it funny that this book is supposedly written by a woman, and is presumably meant for a female audience, yet SCULLY is the one who’s tarted up to hell and back. What the hell? Does the audience for this book consist mostly of lesbians with hairspray and giant mammary fetishes?

Sarah: NO NO NO NOT MORE please do NOT tell me there’s MORE.

Now Porn Hair Scully is posing in front of the White House while artfully coiffed Mulder tries to see around her gigangic bazoombas. But he can’t because they block the sun, leading many to believe in an alien conspiracy to block the source of earth’s heat through giant porny boobs.

Candy: The truth is out there, i.e., the name of Scully’s plastic surgeon and why he made her breasts large enough to smuggle more than enough cocaine to choke all of West Hollywood.

Smell some telepathic pouch
go buy charter worker
be talk of shining daemon
bi murphy crucifixion
Brad Pitt always had one
dewdrop on nanette breed
sofia in hedonism
get laid tonight mountaineer
Glen Mcintyre pilate
Get Slotoole on skulk
in fall hes codling
morgue oubilette
look rich pancake
thinking is sewage
savage be abstinent on damnation