












by SB Sarah • Monday, June 04, 2007 at 10:25 AM
So this weekend, there was much flyage of Hoff in my house, including a direct toss of the flying Hoff Plane at my mother-in-law, who was very, very supremely confused by the idea of a Hoff paper airplane. I think Hubby explained it at least twice.
Then, on Saturday, I got an email from Annie Dean, who was inspired by recent news report circling around the publicity of his recent Hoffobiography™ that the Hoff temporarily lost visitation rights after a video was leaked of the Hoffster allegedly drunk attempting to eat a cheeseburger.
Did someone say… cheeseburger? Dean heard that and said, “Behold! LOLHoffs!”
Now, someone might appear in the comments here and say that yet again, we’ve gone too far.
But the Bitches, we love the Hoff like The Manolo loves the Shoes.
How much love do we profess for The Hoff? How far will we go for the Hoffster?
So much love that I am contemplating waddling myself many blocks south tomorrow to personally Hassel the Hoff at a book signing. No, really. I might personally go hassel the Hoff. The Hoffmania, it cannot be contained.
Any Bitches want to join me? 12:30 pm at the B&N on 46th & 5th, tomorrow, 5 June 2007. Bring your hassel. I’m bringing the camera so as to record the momentus occasion, when I’z in yr bookstorz, hasslin yr hoff.









by Candy • Monday, June 04, 2007 at 10:14 AM
Before oral sex made an appearance in romance novels in the 80s, this was about as much foreplay as a heroine could expect in a typical sex scene:
It was almost as if the heroine was a transistor radio, and the hero was trying to find a radio station in Tokyo on the AM channel.







by Candy • Saturday, June 02, 2007 at 07:45 AM
Our Grade:
Title: Working for the Devil
Author: Lilith Saintcrow
Publication Info: Warner Books 2006, ISBN: 0446616702
Genre: Science Fiction/Fantasy

Working for the Devil; or, The Hades Bunch
Here’s the story of girl named Dante
A necromance, she could talk to all the dead.
She was sent to school where she was beaten,
Which fucked her in the head.
Here’s the story of Jaf the demon
An assassin, he killed demons for his boss;
Then one day, the Egg, it came up missing
Which made the Devil cross.
Satan figured out the culprit was Santino--
Demon used to kill psionics just for fun.
Gave Dante Jaf to use as her familiar,
That’s the way they started on this bounty hunt.
A bounty hunt, a bounty hunt,
With some friends, Jaf and Dante on a hunt.
Protracted spoiler-filled discussion between Sarah and me below the fold, O Readers.
Candy: Working for the Devil is much more polished than Dark Watchers, which was the first book of Saintcrow’s that I read and reviewed--and funnily enough, the hero of that book was named Dante, too. Ultimately, Working for the Devil was too flawed a read for me to give it anything more than a B-. Why? Mostly because Dante got on my tits too much. It’s not that I didn’t like her, because I don’t have to like somebody in order to read about them--or even root for them (witness my love of the Flashman novels). Mostly, it was because I didn’t find her convincing as a bad-ass warrior and martial artist, and here’s why:
She’s too angry.
No, more than that, she’s utterly lacking in any sort of calm. She keeps making assumptions and turning into Berserker Woman Who Will CUT CHOO LIKE A PIG, BITCH. Now, that could work to keep her alive for a while--a good long while, even, especially if you have the psi advantages Dante does--but I don’t buy that she can be THAT GOOD. The best martial artists learn to work with their surroundings and to go with the flow. One of the cornerstones is striving for clearheadedness--and Dante is anything but. She’s a royal mess, and she spends all the book literally in knots from stress and fucked-up headspace issues.
I mean, I can see why she’s a ball of neuroses, based on the glimpses of the past we’re provided, but her consistent inability to communicate clearly and her refusal to listen reminded me of those feisty old-skool heroines. She’s not stupid, she’s just impatient in a really irritating way, and I felt that her frustrating refusal to just slow down and listen was sometimes a way to artificially prolong the conflict.
Another problem I had with the story was how I felt strangely distant from Dante. I had ready access to her mental and physical space, but not really her emotional space. I find this difficult to explain, because on looking back, it’s difficult for me to pinpoint what exactly is keeping me from how she feels, because this is a first-person narrative, and it’s not as if Dante held back on what she really thought about things, even when she was obviously being an unreliable narrator.
It’s one thing for me to not like a character. It’s another for me to not be convinced by her. And for large portions of the book, Dante just didn’t strike me as being true, and having her be the sole voice of the book started to grate on me after a while.
Oh, and Japhrimel’s reason for falling in lurrrrve with Dante? Didn’t totally buy it. What he did was wildly romantic, but there was too much telling ("You treated me like an equal!") and not enough showing, especially given the incredibly short time span of the book--the bulk of the action takes place in, what, a week? Dante was a dick to Japhrimel for a good proportion of that time, and when she finally softened up--well, I just didn’t buy that a demon, and not just any demon, but SATAN’S RIGHT HAND AND GODDAMN ASSASSIN, would soften up after such a short time, and for so little. If we’d had Jaf’s perspective, I might’ve bought into the scenario, but on the other hand, the emotional punch of what he did wouldn’t have been as great.
So really, if we’d had more time with Dante and Jaf to see their relationship develop, and if Dante hadn’t been such a stressed-out freakball, this book could’ve easily been in the A territory. Because it was a pretty good adventure yarn, and it says quite a bit that I was able to finish it in only a few days despite not being convinced by Dante as a character.
Sarah: I concur about the book’s readability. It definitely kept me interested, even as it kept me irritated.
YES and insert used of “Pwned” here re: Japhrimel’s sudden fall into the liquid hot magma of luuuurve™. I would understand a lot of dark fearsome lurkery from him, as Satan’s hot dude, with some inexplicable kindness out of nowhere that seemed to physically pain him because dude he’s a DEMON and he cannot be NICE, but the sudden, “You treat me like an equal!” was way too pat and said too much about Dante too easily. She treats him as an equal! Ergo he loves her! Ergo ergo - she is just too amazing for words and look at the generous river of honey-flavored love that flows through her soul that she treats a Demon who is, again THE RIGHT HAND OF SATAN, as an equal!
My problem was how the book dealt with the Obvious Comparisons. This book will Obviously be Compared to the series about Her Royal Humptyness, Anita Blake, and it marks an opportunity for a talented author - and this is not a throwaway compliment because Saintcrow is damn hell talented like damn hell whoa - to do a necromancer heroine Differently without so much damn sex. A wise friend of mine, and I’ve quoted her before, said that one of her chief complains about Blake was that she “collects magic powers like charms on a charm bracelet,” and that the acquisition of greater talents comes far, far too easy.
For Dante, she doesn’t easily walk through the book and pick up additional talents without consequence or effort, but there’s a similar sense of “it comes damn easy, don’t it, honey?” when it comes to her psi powers. She can animate a very dusty dead dude for an unheard-of amount of time and there’s no explanation as to why - where that surge of ability is coming from, whether it’s attributable to the presence of a Demon augmenting her already-strong ability, or whether it’s a sign that she has untapped depths of talent. When someone has powers that extraordinary, and then even among those with that set of strengths she’s even MORE extraordinary, I want to know WHY. I’m tired of psychic and psi-talented heroines just being extra more gooder just to set them apart as admirable. It’s like Harry Potter Syndrome: identify the hero by his/her extra more gooder specialness, even in a world where s/he is already special!
And here, a lesson for the copyeditor of this book on motherfarking comma splices because deeeeYAM was that distracting.
Note: I don’t actually blame the author. I blame the multitude of people whose freaking JOB IT IS TO KNOW THE RULES OF GRAMMAR WHEN PUBLISHING A BOOK THAT PEOPLE PAY FOR. If I can teach the concept of comma splices to remedial college composition students, surely someone whose JOB IT IS should not need a refresher. But alas, it seems it is true.
The official definition on Wiki:
A comma splice is when two independent clauses are joined by a comma.
This means two complete sentences that are strong enough to stand on their own are joined by a comma. A COMMA is NOT STRONG ENOUGH to JOIN THEM.
Here is a test as to whether your clause is independent:
1. It has own car, or job.
2. If you walk up to a stranger and say the clause aloud, it is a complete thought on its own.
3. If you walk up to a stranger and say the clause aloud, you still look like a treebat crazy person, AND the stranger waits for you to complete your crazy thought.
E.g.: Comma splices are the devil, I can’t stand to see them repeatedly in a novel.
EITHER you need an “and” or some other conjunction to join those two clauses, or you hook yourself up with another punctuation mark. As I told my students: the comma, it is not strong enough. Your comma needs to lift weights. Consider the semicolon: ; A comma that is lifting a barbell to PUMP IT UP. *clap*
I did not ever say I was not a completely dorky professor.
/ end rant
Candy: Yeah, the comma splices were pretty distracting. Thanks for the lesson, perfessor. Hee.
And good point about Dante getting superpowers and hot demon mens with amazing ease (and hot human mob boss mens of unspeakable wealth and power, for that matter). And actually, the ease with which Dante seemed to attract people, given she was about as cuddly as a titanium cactus, kind of puzzled me--until it occured to me that Dante is a sub-species of Mary Sue. Instead of being perfect and saving the world and having everybody in the world lurrrrve her, Dante is imperfect and angry and often downright awful to the people who care about her, but everybody in the world still lurrrrves her and she still saves the day. An Angry Sue, if you will. But the very fact that she’s so difficult to be around makes me wonder why she’s so compelling. She’s apparently a charismatic bitch, but I didn’t feel the pull of her personality the way I have other charismatic bitches in romance who did things that made me uncomfortable, like, say, Melanthe of For My Lady’s Heart.
Speaking of Mary Sue: Jace Monroe. I liked the fantasy of having this extremely hot and hugely wealthy bad-ass dude in the wings--and motherfucker had unlimited resources in the book--but I did wonder how in the hell he got this far. And the Big Misunderstanding between him and Dante was rather laughable but, given what an incendiary asshole Dante is, actually kind of believable.
OK, so we’ve bitched on and on about the book, we should probably talk about something it did right, yeah?
I really, really liked the action scenes. They’re some of the best I’ve read, and I’m in awe at how Saintcrow conveyed the chaos of being in a huge balls-out all-or-nothing fight while still keeping the action coherent. Fight scenes are freakin’ hard to write, and much respect to Saintcrow for pulling so many of them off without losing or confusing me.
The plotting was tight, and the twist was quite excellently twisty. And extra special bonus points: Saintcrow even had a decent excuse for Villain Exposition. None of that “And now, Mr. Bond, before I kill you in this unnecessarily elaborate way, let me explain to you in excruciating detail why I’m doing this; I do this not because it’s essential for my plan, but for no discernible reason other than I adore giving my enemies time to collect their senses and attempt an escape” nonsense.
I mean, I still rolled my eyes a little when the Big Reveal came, but it actually made sense for Santino to reveal what he did to Dante, so all was forgiven.
And speaking of Santino: I liked that he was a thoroughly despicable villain with very little to recommend him, but he had utterly convincing motivation. Very few people get villains right, especially romance authors, and Saintcrow did a great job.
And this one’s sort of spoilerish: I also really liked and was intrigued by the glimpses of the love story between Dante and Doreen that we sort of got to see via flashback. OMG HOT LESBIAN PSION SEX? One can only hope so, but we’ll see.
The world-building was really interesting, despite a tendency to infodump and an over-fondness for tacking the word “synth” in front of a buncha crap to indicate it’s something from the FUTAR. I like the concept of an Awakening for humankind; I’m curious to see what triggered it, and I hope the future books will elaborate on this.
Sarah: While I wish that the individual members of her posse were more developed, I like that Dante surrounded herself with people who in small ways took care of her, but also had a substantial amount of their own backstory to be revealed. They weren’t pawns for the present story but seem to have large story arcs of their own, which is always enticing.
And like you, I really dug the blocking and the pace of the fight scenes. Writing action is probably as hard, if not harder, than shooting it for film, and being able to see the action in my mind while ALSO getting a sense of the quick emotions going on at the time - well, Saintcrow did a damn fine job mixing tension and terror and her fight scenes kick ass.
Yes on the reveal, yes on the twisty twist, and yes yes on the larger story of Awakening that hasn’t been fully explained yet. But equally intriguing to me were the current-day themes of evil/good and the status thereof as very mixed up in wealth, privacy, and talent - such that this Awakening created a new hierarchy but enough of the “old” one remains to confuse things. So the reader doesn’t really know where anyone stands, and that fluidity in society is both chaotic and scary but intriguing and addictive to read about.
My grade on this book: C+. It was eminently readable, and certainly there is room for the series to pick up as a whole, but it was entirely too easy for me to identify what I perceived as flaws even after some time past my reading it.
Candy: I found the writing too compelling to drop it to a C. Most of the time, I take forever to finish B- and C+ books; they’re not bad enough to fascinate me with their trainwreckiness, but they’re not usually good enough to suck me in and keep me engaged. This was an exception, because once I got past the first 50 pages or so (which took me a couple of weeks to read), I finished the rest of the book in two big sittings, which is a rarity for me nowadays. I’m-a stick with the B-.













by SB Sarah • Friday, June 01, 2007 at 08:24 AM
Suppose you have no weekend plans. Usually this is me - I plan little, but this weekend we have many an appointment which means Freebird will be feeling puny and we’ll end up cancelling everything.
But lucky for me, and for you if you have no plans or a toddler or both, there’s Something To Do!
“What’s that?” I can hear you asking your monitor aloud. You’re on the edge of your seat? What possible item could be so grand that Smart Bitches would not only talk about but also offer it for download?
Why, it’s a paper airplane of David Hasselhoff’s head, of course.
No really. We’re not kidding. (*right click to download*)
How could it be anything else? Thanks to Stephanie Gayle, a Hofftastic paper airplane, designed to promote his Hoffobiography™ (Candy thought that up) can be yours, all yours, the preciousssss.
Just think of the possibilities. You can download it now, print it out, and fly it around your office on a Friday afternoon. You can bring it home and fly it all weekend, amusing your friends and family with your Hoff-flying skillz.
In fact, if you have a picture of yourself flying your little Hoff this weekend, send it our way via email ( or )with your screen name and a caption. Hofftastic airplanes and Smart Bitches, after all, are world wide and unspeakably awesome.


by SB Sarah • Friday, June 01, 2007 at 07:00 AM
Bitchery Reader Erin went above and beyond the call of duty in that she risked re-exposing herself to the following two covers, which she discovered while shelving the romance at work.
Sarah: Chief Appears As Floating Horse Head knew his vengeance against his evil stepson was nearly complete. Looks Like Squaw But Pees Standing Up had already fooled him with sexual wiles, and so long as the young warrior, Mullets Are Not Gay, didn’t move his leg any farther up Squaw’s valley, the Chief would soon witness young Mullet’s humiliation.
Candy: White Vengeance. There’s a title that’s NOT AT ALL LOADED for you. Next up in this series: White Pride, White Hatred and White Nationalism.
Sarah: That there Native American Man Titty had such powerful wind, he stretched his horse out like a big sweaty piece of hair taffy and tore that woman’s dress apart. Wow. Great Spirit indeed.
Candy: What a wonderfully novel way to kill somebody--create massive turmoil in your surrounding areas with your, uh, white wind so they don’t see you coming, then grab at their backs while riding full gallop so you snap their spines like twigs.
Also: Riding bareback. While bare-assed. That’s a whole new world of funky deliciousness right there.
Sarah: “What? What?! In the Butt?!”
“Yes, that is my formal name. My friends call me INVISIBLE BUTTSECKS.”
Candy: Invisible Buttsecks: actually a metaphor for Visible Genocide. Look, even the name suggests as much. White Dawn? Jesus, what the fuck were the people thinking when they came up with these titles?




by Candy • Friday, June 01, 2007 at 04:37 AM
Our Grade:
Title: Stardust
Author: Neil Gaiman
Publication Info: Harper Perennial 2006, ISBN: 0061142026
Genre: Science Fiction/Fantasy
The setting: The town of Wall, which lies hard by the boundary of Faerie, and every nine years, the site of a Faerie Market.
Also, assorted locations in Faerie.
Our Intrepid Hero: Tristran Thorn, a sweet but awkward and somewhat gormless young man of mysterious lineage.
Our Intrepid Heroine: Yvaine, a rather no-nonsense fallen star.
Summarize the plot in one unwieldy run-on sentence that abuses commas and semi-colons with merry abandon: Clueless young man deep in the throes of an infatuation makes a rash promise to retrieve a fallen star for his light o’ love and leaves the known world for the uncharted, unpredictable wildness of Faerie, where he encounters (among other things) a hairy little man(ish sort of creature), two witches, a talking tree, several ghosts (whom he never sees), a prince, a fallen star, assorted inhabitants of Faerie and a partridge in a pear tree (OK, I might be lying about the last); uncovers a hidden talent or two; finds what he thinks he’s looking for; discovers he’s braver and capable of much more than he ever thought possible; loses a great deal of his awkwardness and gains +10 Gormfulness; and ultimately discovers that his heart’s desire isn’t quite what he thought it was.
Also, he learns the truth about his heritage.
CRAP! That was more than one sentence. I lose.
So, what did you think? Oh my Jesus. I love this book like...words fail me. Like bike nuts loves fixies. Like a pirate loves booty. Like hipsters love vinyl and irony. Like emo kids love the taste of bitter, bitter tears.
Dude, aren’t you a little late on the Gaiman-love bandwagon? Well, kind of, but kind of not. See, I bought this book when it first came out. I was introduced to Gaiman via Good Omens, and The Day I Swapped My Dad for Two Goldfish cemented my desire to glom his backlist, so I went ahead and bought all his published novels. Which were, at the time, Stardust and Neverwhere.
Uh huh. And it took you HOW long to get around to reading this? Shut up.
...OK, about nine years. It’s been so long, the edition I have is completely out of print and I have to link to the froofy trade paperback edition on Amazon because that’s what’s available right now. What’s wrong with me? Seriously. *cries*
Your self-flagellation tires me. Y’know, for a construct I ripped off from mightygodking’s Livejournal movie reviews, you’re kind of a…
Yeah yeah yeah. Whatevs. What did you like best? The Faerie universe Gaiman creates. The dude really, really knows how to build a world that’s not only convincing, but that makes me actively wish that the world actually exists. This hasn’t happened to me in a very, very long time, and it has to do with Gaiman’s uncanny ability to tap into the bits of my brain that read with the wide-eyed wonder and credulity of a child. In the past several years, I’ve read books that were better-written than Stardust--ones that touched me more, that made me think harder, that moved me to take action in ways that Stardust never can--but none have made me ache with the wish that the world between their pages was real; none of them made me wonder that if I closed my eyes and walked across the field full of frogs behind my apartment on a night with a full moon, I might open my eyes to find a girl with cat’s-ears and purple eyes, a fine silver chain snaking from her ankle and across the grass.
In fact, just about the only complaint I have about the story is that I want more of it. Gaiman wantonly strews seeds of potential short stories--entire novels, actually--throughout the book. Where did the Lilim come from? How are they ended? And all those lovely, exciting adventures that Tristran and Yvaine go on while making their way back to Wall and the market, and before they return to You-Know-Where at the end so they could become You-Know-What--I want to read about those, too, dammit, instead of having them summarized in short paragraphs. They’re perfectly lovely paragraphs, and they did their job in the usual fairy tale-ish way, but gah I want more more more dagnabbit when’s he going to write another book set in this world and eeeeeeeeeeeeee.
You’re alarmingly squeaky when you gush. Well, shit yeah. I also get squeaky when I’m indignant. I’m short. I’m high-pitched. Squeaky is kind of the default tone you get with me.
And what did you think of the ending? It was perfect. I loved its slight bittersweetness, and I liked that Gaiman didn’t cop out and wrap everything up with too neat a bow.
This is a stupid question, but I’m going to ask it anyway: So, I guess you highly recommend this book? As my friend Katie would say: Hell ass tits goddamn motherfucking YES. In fact, if you’re an even bigger loser than I am and haven’t read this book yet, and if you’re in any way a fan of fairy tales--not those watered-down namby-pamby ripoffs of the Brothers Grimm you see nowadays, but a fairy tale with teeth, sharp sharp teeth--then I highly recommend that you buy, borrow or steal a copy of this book and read it. Read it now.