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SoMuchHoff,SoLittleTime

by SB Sarah Monday, June 04, 2007 at 10:25 AM

So this weekend, there was much flyage of Hoff in my house, including a direct toss of the flying Hoff Plane at my mother-in-law, who was very, very supremely confused by the idea of a Hoff paper airplane. I think Hubby explained it at least twice.

Then, on Saturday, I got an email from Annie Dean, who was inspired by recent news report circling around the publicity of his recent Hoffobiography™ that the Hoff temporarily lost visitation rights after a video was leaked of the Hoffster allegedly drunk attempting to eat a cheeseburger.

Did someone say… cheeseburger? Dean heard that and said, “Behold! LOLHoffs!”

HoffBurger

Now, someone might appear in the comments here and say that yet again, we’ve gone too far.

But the Bitches, we love the Hoff like The Manolo loves the Shoes.

How much love do we profess for The Hoff? How far will we go for the Hoffster?

So much love that I am contemplating waddling myself many blocks south tomorrow to personally Hassel the Hoff at a book signing. No, really. I might personally go hassel the Hoff. The Hoffmania, it cannot be contained.

Any Bitches want to join me? 12:30 pm at the B&N on 46th & 5th, tomorrow, 5 June 2007. Bring your hassel. I’m bringing the camera so as to record the momentus occasion, when I’z in yr bookstorz, hasslin yr hoff.

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Categories: But...that's not really about romance novelsNews

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AnothertruthaboutromancenovelsexpressedbyaLOLCAT:

by Candy Monday, June 04, 2007 at 10:14 AM

Before oral sex made an appearance in romance novels in the 80s, this was about as much foreplay as a heroine could expect in a typical sex scene:

Invisible Breasts

It was almost as if the heroine was a transistor radio, and the hero was trying to find a radio station in Tokyo on the AM channel.

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Categories: Random Musings

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WorkingfortheDevilbyLilithSaintcrow

by Candy Saturday, June 02, 2007 at 07:45 AM
Our Grade:
B-
Title: Working for the Devil
Author: Lilith Saintcrow
Publication Info: Warner Books 2006, ISBN: 0446616702
Genre: Science Fiction/Fantasy

Working for the Devil; or, The Hades Bunch

Here’s the story of girl named Dante
A necromance, she could talk to all the dead.
She was sent to school where she was beaten,
Which fucked her in the head.

Here’s the story of Jaf the demon
An assassin, he killed demons for his boss;
Then one day, the Egg, it came up missing
Which made the Devil cross.

Satan figured out the culprit was Santino--
Demon used to kill psionics just for fun.
Gave Dante Jaf to use as her familiar,
That’s the way they started on this bounty hunt.

A bounty hunt, a bounty hunt,
With some friends, Jaf and Dante on a hunt.

Protracted spoiler-filled discussion between Sarah and me below the fold, O Readers.

More,more,more!>
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Categories: Non-Romance Reviews: SF/FReviews by Author, Q-SReviews by Grade: BReviews by Grade: C

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It’sabird!It’saPlane!It’s…DAVIDHASSELHOFF!

by SB Sarah Friday, June 01, 2007 at 08:24 AM

Suppose you have no weekend plans. Usually this is me - I plan little, but this weekend we have many an appointment which means Freebird will be feeling puny and we’ll end up cancelling everything.

But lucky for me, and for you if you have no plans or a toddler or both, there’s Something To Do!

“What’s that?” I can hear you asking your monitor aloud.  You’re on the edge of your seat? What possible item could be so grand that Smart Bitches would not only talk about but also offer it for download?

Why, it’s a paper airplane of David Hasselhoff’s head, of course.

No really. We’re not kidding. (*right click to download*)

How could it be anything else? Thanks to Stephanie Gayle, a Hofftastic paper airplane, designed to promote his Hoffobiography™ (Candy thought that up) can be yours, all yours, the preciousssss.

Just think of the possibilities. You can download it now, print it out, and fly it around your office on a Friday afternoon. You can bring it home and fly it all weekend, amusing your friends and family with your Hoff-flying skillz.

In fact, if you have a picture of yourself flying your little Hoff this weekend, send it our way via email ( or )with your screen name and a caption. Hofftastic airplanes and Smart Bitches, after all, are world wide and unspeakably awesome.

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Categories: But...that's not really about romance novelsFun And GamesThe Link-O-Lator

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WhiteHorror

by SB Sarah Friday, June 01, 2007 at 07:00 AM

Bitchery Reader Erin went above and beyond the call of duty in that she risked re-exposing herself to the following two covers, which she discovered while shelving the romance at work.

image

Sarah: Chief Appears As Floating Horse Head knew his vengeance against his evil stepson was nearly complete. Looks Like Squaw But Pees Standing Up had already fooled him with sexual wiles, and so long as the young warrior, Mullets Are Not Gay, didn’t move his leg any farther up Squaw’s valley, the Chief would soon witness young Mullet’s humiliation.

Candy: White Vengeance. There’s a title that’s NOT AT ALL LOADED for you. Next up in this series: White Pride, White Hatred and White Nationalism.

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Sarah: That there Native American Man Titty had such powerful wind, he stretched his horse out like a big sweaty piece of hair taffy and tore that woman’s dress apart. Wow. Great Spirit indeed.

Candy: What a wonderfully novel way to kill somebody--create massive turmoil in your surrounding areas with your, uh, white wind so they don’t see you coming, then grab at their backs while riding full gallop so you snap their spines like twigs.

Also: Riding bareback. While bare-assed. That’s a whole new world of funky deliciousness right there.

image

Sarah: “What? What?! In the Butt?!”
“Yes, that is my formal name. My friends call me INVISIBLE BUTTSECKS.”

Candy: Invisible Buttsecks: actually a metaphor for Visible Genocide. Look, even the name suggests as much. White Dawn? Jesus, what the fuck were the people thinking when they came up with these titles?

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Categories: Covers Gone Wild! (Non-Snoop Dogg Edition)

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StardustbyNeilGaiman

by Candy Friday, June 01, 2007 at 04:37 AM
Our Grade:
A
Title: Stardust
Author: Neil Gaiman
Publication Info: Harper Perennial 2006, ISBN: 0061142026
Genre: Science Fiction/Fantasy

The setting:  The town of Wall, which lies hard by the boundary of Faerie, and every nine years, the site of a Faerie Market.

Also, assorted locations in Faerie.

Our Intrepid Hero: Tristran Thorn, a sweet but awkward and somewhat gormless young man of mysterious lineage.

Our Intrepid Heroine: Yvaine, a rather no-nonsense fallen star.

Summarize the plot in one unwieldy run-on sentence that abuses commas and semi-colons with merry abandon: Clueless young man deep in the throes of an infatuation makes a rash promise to retrieve a fallen star for his light o’ love and leaves the known world for the uncharted, unpredictable wildness of Faerie, where he encounters (among other things) a hairy little man(ish sort of creature), two witches, a talking tree, several ghosts (whom he never sees), a prince, a fallen star, assorted inhabitants of Faerie and a partridge in a pear tree (OK, I might be lying about the last); uncovers a hidden talent or two; finds what he thinks he’s looking for; discovers he’s braver and capable of much more than he ever thought possible; loses a great deal of his awkwardness and gains +10 Gormfulness; and ultimately discovers that his heart’s desire isn’t quite what he thought it was.

Also, he learns the truth about his heritage.

CRAP! That was more than one sentence. I lose.

So, what did you think? Oh my Jesus. I love this book like...words fail me. Like bike nuts loves fixies. Like a pirate loves booty. Like hipsters love vinyl and irony. Like emo kids love the taste of bitter, bitter tears.

Dude, aren’t you a little late on the Gaiman-love bandwagon? Well, kind of, but kind of not. See, I bought this book when it first came out. I was introduced to Gaiman via Good Omens, and The Day I Swapped My Dad for Two Goldfish cemented my desire to glom his backlist, so I went ahead and bought all his published novels. Which were, at the time, Stardust and Neverwhere.

Uh huh. And it took you HOW long to get around to reading this? Shut up.

...OK, about nine years. It’s been so long, the edition I have is completely out of print and I have to link to the froofy trade paperback edition on Amazon because that’s what’s available right now. What’s wrong with me? Seriously. *cries*

Your self-flagellation tires me. Y’know, for a construct I ripped off from mightygodking’s Livejournal movie reviews, you’re kind of a…

Yeah yeah yeah. Whatevs. What did you like best? The Faerie universe Gaiman creates. The dude really, really knows how to build a world that’s not only convincing, but that makes me actively wish that the world actually exists. This hasn’t happened to me in a very, very long time, and it has to do with Gaiman’s uncanny ability to tap into the bits of my brain that read with the wide-eyed wonder and credulity of a child. In the past several years, I’ve read books that were better-written than Stardust--ones that touched me more, that made me think harder, that moved me to take action in ways that Stardust never can--but none have made me ache with the wish that the world between their pages was real; none of them made me wonder that if I closed my eyes and walked across the field full of frogs behind my apartment on a night with a full moon, I might open my eyes to find a girl with cat’s-ears and purple eyes, a fine silver chain snaking from her ankle and across the grass.

In fact, just about the only complaint I have about the story is that I want more of it. Gaiman wantonly strews seeds of potential short stories--entire novels, actually--throughout the book. Where did the Lilim come from? How are they ended? And all those lovely, exciting adventures that Tristran and Yvaine go on while making their way back to Wall and the market, and before they return to You-Know-Where at the end so they could become You-Know-What--I want to read about those, too, dammit, instead of having them summarized in short paragraphs. They’re perfectly lovely paragraphs, and they did their job in the usual fairy tale-ish way, but gah I want more more more dagnabbit when’s he going to write another book set in this world and eeeeeeeeeeeeee.

You’re alarmingly squeaky when you gush. Well, shit yeah. I also get squeaky when I’m indignant. I’m short. I’m high-pitched. Squeaky is kind of the default tone you get with me.

And what did you think of the ending? It was perfect. I loved its slight bittersweetness, and I liked that Gaiman didn’t cop out and wrap everything up with too neat a bow.

This is a stupid question, but I’m going to ask it anyway: So, I guess you highly recommend this book? As my friend Katie would say: Hell ass tits goddamn motherfucking YES. In fact, if you’re an even bigger loser than I am and haven’t read this book yet, and if you’re in any way a fan of fairy tales--not those watered-down namby-pamby ripoffs of the Brothers Grimm you see nowadays, but a fairy tale with teeth, sharp sharp teeth--then I highly recommend that you buy, borrow or steal a copy of this book and read it. Read it now.

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Categories: Non-Romance Reviews: SF/FReviews by Author, D-GReviews by Grade: A

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