Smart Bitches Trashy Books | All of the romance, none of the bullshit.

From the possibility of LOLHarlequinSecrets to the absurdity of that Fabio shoulder-blade-humping cover rearing its hot-ironed head yet again (I love that cover - he looks so studious and yet so bad as a brunette) this Gawker item has it all - particularly the milquetoast excerpts from the Harlequin Romance Report confessional.

That is some tame confession, y’all. Why is a publisher hosting sexual confessionals? I don’t get it. To be honest, the “Tee hee hee!” whispering-naughty-stories attitude of that page ticks me off a bit because it seems so very juvenile. And round these parts, we’re not ashamed of reading romance or sexually explicit stories, or of our own status as sexual beings - and we’re not ashamed of much else that I can tell, either. I will say this: I have never joined the mile high club because the idea of touching any surface beyond what is minimally necessary in an airplane lavatory gives me a major case of the squicks like DAMN. 

We’ve had a cancellation for the large ad space for December 2007. December 1-15 and 16-31 are now available, and you can book one or both two-week sessions. The fee is $75 for two weeks, or $125 for the whole month. Design services available as usual. Complete details available on our advertising info page.

First Come, First Served. Email asap.

UPDATED TO ADD: TAKEN.

From Bitchery reader Charity, who used the subject line, “The Power of the Bitchery Knows No Bounds” - damn right, ma’am. And flattery will get you everywhere, including perhaps to the bookstore to fine this rare gem:

Since checking out the success of the “Help A Bitch Out” Name This Book, I thought I’d ask if you’d post mine.  Here’s what I remember:

I don’t remember much but I do remember that the story began in England and most of the story took place on a boat headed to America. The hero was the ship’s captain.  The heroine was either raped/or almost raped repeatedly.  Her skeezy relative (male) planned to pimp her out to three men but somehow, she killed all of them.  Maybe with a fire poker??  Then she ran away and found passage on the ship to America.  The only name I can remember was the name of the bad guy. He was a pastor/reverend and completely corrupt.  His name was Sebastian.  He wanted to rape the heroine.  He had raped several of the other female passengers (members of his congregation??) already. I don’t remember what all else he did but I remember being so disgusted by him that I couldn’t even stand the name Sebastian because I associated it with pure evil.

The only scene from the book that I can really remember was about the old homeless woman who helped her escape after she killed those men. After she helps the heroine, the homeless lady tries to remember a time when she was as beautiful as the heroine.  The homeless lady picks up a brush and tries to run it through her hair but that makes all the lice (or other bugs) scurry down her back.  Gross, I know.

I don’t want to spoil the perfect record, but I’d like to know if anyone remembers this book.  If not, then I will assume that I made this up from the deepest darkest recesses of my mind and will be forced to seek professional help.

If that came from the recesses of your mind, lice included… nah, there’s no way. Anyone recognize this book?

Today’s Questionable Content made me laugh so hard, I’m pretty sure I herniated something--but then, I’m a sucker for stupid quips involving Schrödinger’s cat.

(Any of you who want to write a romance novel with a geek hero and need research on how nerds think and operate, but don’t happen to have live specimens handy, you could do worse than check out the archives of Questionable Content. Also, XKCD.)

Some title ideas for nerd porn erotic romance:

Physics
The G-String Theory
The Rake’s Superpositioned Eigenstates
Entangled Beast
Collapsing the Virgin Mistress’ Wavefunction
His Supercollider

Biology
Unnatural Selection
Descending His Manhood

Chemistry
His Latent Heat

Mathematics
Populating Her Null Set

General Scientific Principles
Shaving with Occam’s Razor
Karl’s Popper

Damn, I can’t believe I’m not coming up with more for chemistry and biology. Updates as they’re warranted, and post your best (for certain values of “best,” anyway) efforts in the comments.

Megan Daly, winner of the Big Kahuna Cover Design Contest, Professional Division, actually sent in two entries, and had to choose which one she wanted us to run for the contest. Her choice ultimately won, but I have to say, I LOVE the other entry, and asked her permission to show it off here. Note to publishers: Poser = not hot. This cover? Hawt, baby, yeah.

Not so work safe, so it’s below the fold:

From the “Giggling hurts with an abdominal incision” department: big mad props to Jezebel for hosting a Smell Test on the streets of Chelsea in New York City between Vulva perfume and Britney Spears’ new scent, In Control.

Hat tip to Dionne Galace for the link. 

A few weeks ago, we brought you Cover Makeovers, the Johanna Lindsey edition, wherein a team of five flamingly homosexual cover art specialists are hand-picked to overhaul the...wait, CRAP, the expiration date on that joke was 2004. At any rate, in our first edition of Cover Makeovers, we looked at the evolution of the pièces d’art gracing the masterworks of that Doyenne of Bodice Rippery, Johanna Lindsey. Up on this week’s chopping block: that Beldame of Heaving Bosoms, Catherine Coulter.

Let’s play Spot the Theme with the older covers, shall we? Let’s look at these covers, especially the first two, and ponder what similarities there may be. I wonder what they could be? Hmmmm.

Look at the hair! And that eyeshadow! FIERCE! But really, it’s the little touches that make these covers magical. Take the swan in cover numéro deux, for example. Is it:

a) Zeus in disguise, being a pervy voyeur and enjoying a little vicarious what-what-in-the-butt;

b) an innocent bird flushed (hur hur hur) out of its comfortable nest because all these scantily-dressed people with terrible eye makeup and enough hairspray to ignite all of Sudan insist on having buttsecks right on top of it;

c) a visually punny indicator of the fowl (HUR HUR HUR) perversions afoot; or

d) a metaphor for the hero’s long, skinny penis?

I’d vote for (c), but in all honesty, (b) is the most likely answer.

(I wonder if ornithologists noticed any disruptions in swan nesting patterns in the late 70s and early 80s? Because there were a lot of swans on these goddamn covers. I mean a lot.)

The cover re-makes, while a great deal more tasteful, are also a great deal more boring. Look at them:

These covers probably paint all the walls of their houses colors like “eggshell cream” and would clutch at their pearls in shock at the very idea of non-consensual sex involving the hero jamming cream up the reluctant heroine’s hoo-hoo as both foreplay and lubricant. ‘Tis a sad fact but true: the older covers, while hilariously bad, at least provided a modicum of truth in advertising.

Up next on the chopping block: Loretta Chase, whose Indian name could easily be Eternally Cursed with Covers Featuring Greasy Men With Dodgy Hair. Stay tuned!

When Bitchery reader Ricki sent me this request for help, I emailed her back and asked if she was sure it was a book, and not, perhaps, a funky dream she’d had one evening. She assures me it’s a book - so maybe you’ve heard of it.

I read a book when I was a teenager that I borrowed from a friend.  The details that stick out at me are the sex scenes, which were pretty creative as far as I was concerned then.  The plot I remember very sketchily.  I remember that the hero and heroine met on the estate on which she grew up.  She was a poor relation/orphaned niece, and he was a servant or something like that.  She was orphaned when her mother was hanged for something.  I don’t remember if any details were given about her father.  They had a romance when they were teenagers, and then he left.  He may have been kicked off the estate; it may have been because they consummated that romance.  Fast forward some number of years, and he’s the captain of a ship.  It may be a pirate ship, or it may just be that he’s very successful at thwarting pirates, and therefore just as scary as them, or maybe he’s pretending to be a pirate for some other purpose . . . I don’t remember.  I think he’s not actually a pirate, but piracy comes up a lot. 

Anyway, she ends up getting kidnapped by some of his crew members for some reason, and they bring her to his room and restrain her, at least in part by putting something around her neck, which freaks her out, because of her mother.  (I realize anyone would freak out about being restrained by kidnappers, and having something around one’s neck would certainly not help that situation for anyone, but the way it’s written, she has a very special and unusual fear of things being put around her neck, because of her mother.) I don’t think she knows whose ship she’s on.  He comes in and is very angry that his men put something around her neck, and she’s very touched that he remembers that she freaks out about things around her neck, and possibly this is how she realizes that he’s the old stableboy or whatever he was.  This is all in the first third or so. 

What I remember after that is the sex parts.  They get stranded on a deserted island and have lots of sex, including a time where he uses wet sand to restrain her wrists and ankles (but not her neck), and a time where she tries to give him a blow job underwater.  And also she makes a sand model of his penis.  Later on in the book, after they are not on the deserted island anymore, they are in a cave, where there are empty wine bottles, and he uses one of them on her as a dildo.  That is what I remember.  Also, at least one of them, if not both, have very dark hair.  Does anyone have any clue what this could be?

Wine bottles?! In the hoohah!?! This book sounds like The Windflower crossed with Blue Lagoon and Madonna’s Sex. So please, if anyone knows what this book is, let me know, because I’m so very, very curious.

Fresh on the heels of the news that the Shorter Oxford English Dictionary has removed the hyphens from some 16000 words comes a fantastical announcement: today is officially National Punctuation Day! [Hat tip to Lucinda for the link on the sad fate of all those hyphens. I wonder where they’ll all go?]

The official NPD site is a treasure chest of awesome, from the tips on how to celebrate which include sleeping late and eating a bagel (both of which I did - thanks!), to cooking the official meat loaf of National Punctuation Day - there’s a PDF of the recipe on the main page of that site.

I’m bummed that there aren’t more pictures of bad punctuation in action; do you have any egregious examples near you? 

Bitchery reader Renee sent me a PDF that rocked my world:

CheapAss Toys Inc.’s Poseable Hasselhoff.

Wow.

Both Renee and I are totally enamored of the “removable chest hair carpet.”

It’s Banned Books Week - September 29 - October 6, 2007.  Hat tip to Bitchery reader Lucinda for reminding me.

So! In honor of Banned Books Week, we open the floodgates! Check out the list of 100 Most Challenged Books from 1990 to 2000. If you like, submit a review of one of the books, up to 500 words, and we’ll post them throughout the week. Please feel free to include your name, a URL to your site, and any information about yourself and when you read the book as part of your “bio,” up to 50 words.

If you loved it, great. If you hated it but still defend your right to read it, even better! Get creative, and we’ll vote on the best one once they’re all posted. Prizes? Of course there will be prizes! Stay tuned!

EDITED TO ADD: Please email your reviews to and and we’ll start putting them up on the site. Please also tell us what name you’d like us to use to credit your review. 

And now, the moment you’ve been obsessively reloading for, the winners of the second annual Big Kahuna Cover Design Contest - Trixy Lion Edition.

The winner in the Amateur Division: Entry #3: Sister Taylor’s Secret by Lyra Labiablossom, designed by Laurel Black

And the winner of the Professional Divison, Entry #4: Stirring up Waves by Jesus Cockburn, designed by Megan Daly.

Congratulations to the winners! And thank you to all who voted - and to Mrs. Giggles for creating such an inspirational ePub! 

I received a PR notice about a new CBS Show called “Moonlight”, which, according to the release, is about “Mick St. John (Alex O’Loughlin), a captivating, charming and immortal private investigator from Los Angeles who defies the traditional blood-sucking norms of his vampire tendencies by using his wit and powerful supernatural abilities to help the living.”

Check out the publicity photo and let’s count the verbal and visual vampire clichés as I assign random point values to each!

1 pt: “Saint X” in the last name of the hero - subtle reinforcement of heroic character!

2 pts: crossing vampire with private investigator to come up with angsty secretive reinforcement of heroic character! As my television guru says, it’s Angel plus additional Law & Order angst and drama - it’s Law & Order: Vampire Unit with, I suspect, emphasis on the vampire’s unit.

10000000 pts: That looks suspiciously like a MULLET! On PRIME TIME! I think I have to go lie down from the overwhelming awesomeness.

3 pts: Wayne Newton belt buckle - subtle reinforcement of… I have no idea.

2 pts: Extremely skinny woman in skin-tight dress showing off the fact that if she turns to the side, you can barely see her. Subtle reinforcement of unattainable body image for women. Mortal women.

3 pts: Additional skinny yet supremely buxom woman with unflattering wide-legged pants and anorak - to contrast with extremely skinny woman. Subtle reinforcement of L.L. Bean attire as unflattering fashion choice? (Does L.L. Bean sell silver anoraks?)

4 pts: Can we talk some more about St. Hero’s attire? Black shirt, black jacket, black pants, silver sparkly belt buckle? He’s like a superhero… IN HIS PANTS.

3 pts: Completely nondescript male sidekick.

1 pt: Sidekick’s shirt is too tight.

1 pt: Sidekick’s pants are too long.

3 pts: Nice placemen of big silver phallus emerging from St. Angst Superhero’s tushy, eh? Subtle reinforcement of gay subtext? I can only hope so!

December Quinn AND Dionne Galace were brave enough to forward me this link, and really, it’s just a very very good thing that I can read only English and Spanish because I’m sure in French this whole page translates to “Sarah runs screaming from the room praying that she never samples this particular smell.”

Click the link for Etat Libre d’Orange and click ‘Les Parfums.’ Look for the penis at the bottom of the screen (how often do I get to type that?!) with the words “Secretions Magnifiques.”

Then, if you don’t read French, imagine what the whole paragraph says in terms of olfactory descriptions. And if you DO read French, please do let us know if the text is as bad as my imagination says it is. 

Bitchery reader Elizabeth asks for help - and when I wrote back I had to say, she might have described at least 16 different old-school romance novels with this one. But let’s see if we can come up with a short list for her to go hunting for this vintage romance:

I have been wondering about a book I ran across in my friend’s summer cabin when I was about 14. I glanced through it long enough to go “Are the fucking kidding me?” and giggle over the sex scenes under the covers, but didn’t really read it. Now I’m having a fit of nostalgia over how awful it was and want to look it up again.

The heroine was a lady of some respectability, but met the hero in circumstances that made him think she wasn’t, I THINK but am not sure. He had an amazingly loyal servant of some sort who helped him kidnap the heroine and put her in a box on a train (maybe a train) they were riding on. I remember this because there was a brief panic when it was realized that she was in a trunk with no air holes, and she was rather worse for wear because of it. The hero also had some sort of drug that made the heroine mad with lust, and he used it on her a few times before realizing he kind of liked her and decided not to use it again, but then the butler gave it to her and that Broke Her Trust. The only remedy was to have lots and lots of sex, I think.

Isn’t the proper remedy in a romance novel ALWAYS to have lots and lots of sex? I mean, really. It’s the best remedy for everything.