Smart Bitches Trashy Books | All of the romance, none of the bullshit.

Bitchery reader Cher sent me the following message - it doesn’t ring any bells with me, but I didn’t read a lot of Belle romance. Anyone who has a better talent for remembering plots and titles AND a taste for Civil War romance care to help Cher out?

Hey, I read a Romantic Novel many years ago.  The Story was based in the south, I think during the Civil war.  The heroine was a somewhat overweight useless southern belle.  Her husband became disgusted by her and left (maybe to go to war, the details are sketchy) She had to run the plantation by herself....she began to actually work and use her body and became svelt in the process, also gained some self respect and esteem.  When the husband came back he wanted her back but she was having nothing of the feckless, faithless man.
Does this book ring a bell with you two experts?  I loved it but can not remember the name of the book or the author.  I have seriously searched for YEARS for this book....any thoughts?

I, SB Sarah, a Person, was reading the latest entry at Galley Cat, a website, about the number of books being tagged with the words “A Novel.” The phenomenon is so odd, and yet, so common.

An Anonymous Bitchery Reader, a Person, sent me the link, saying, “What the hell is up with that?”

My answer: I do not know. Why tag books with “A Novel?” Maybe it’s a CYA attempt along the lines of “We guarantee this is 100% made up, as opposed to a fictional work that’s attempting to pass itself off as a memoir.” Or maybe it’s a particular cover artists’ love affair with the word “novel.” Or maybe it’s an attempt to steer that book from being shelved in a particular subgenre so that its housed in the more austere “general fiction” section of the big store?

So what is the deal? And can I tell you how much I dread a cover that uses the deadly words, “A Romance Novel?”

Last Friday, I was busy giving birth - oh, my stars, has it been a week already?! Holy cow!

So to make up for the fact that I missed a Friday Videos edition, here are two videos for your viewing pleasure.

First, from Bitchery reader notpomaceous, we have The Perfect Day. Certainly it fits my vision of the perfect ending for a date night for Candy.

Bitchery reader Jane M. sent me this jaw-dropping link to Vulva perfume. WARNNG - COMPLETELY NOT WORK SAFE LIKE OMG DAMN.

Sayeth TMZ.com: “[the] hair-raising product is not a perfume for the va-jay-jay, it is an erotic fragrance made to trigger sexual attraction and desire by mimicking the tangy aroma of lady muffin!”

The site itself, as Jane M. points out, says, “This is not a perfume.  It is a beguiling vaginal scent which is purely a substance for your own smelling pleasure.”

I showed the site to Hubby, who said, “DUDE!” No, definitely not a dude, dear. 

I’m really fond of saying things like “I love this book so much, I’d totally marry it if I could.” And then a friend of mine asked me for examples, so I started making lists. And you know what happens when Candy starts making lists. That’s right, motherfuckers--she has a distressing tendency to post them ON THE INTERNETS. (Also referring to herself in the third person.)

So!

Books I’d totally marry if I could, like, in a church and everything, and yes, you KNEW these perverse biblio-human unions were just on the horizon once those deviants and homo-sexxxuals wanted the right to get married
Sacred Hunger by Barry Unsworth
Towing Jehovah and Blameless in Abaddon by James Morrow
The Corrections by Jonathan Franzen
Regeneration, The Eye in the Door and The Ghost Road by Pat Barker
The Windflower by Laura London
To Love and to Cherish by Patricia Gaffney
Lord of Scoundrels by Loretta Chase
The Shadow and the Star by Laura Kinsale
Don Quixote by Miguel de Cervantes
Hyperion and Fall of Hyperion by Dan Simmons
To Say Nothing of the Dog by Connie Willis
A Primate’s Memoir by Robert M. Sapolski
To Kill a Mockingbird by Harper Lee
The Jungle Book by Rudyard Kipling (does this make me a pedophile because it’s a children’s book, or a geriatrophile because it’s over 100 years old?)

Books I’d make out with at a party, then call up occasionally so we can have hot sex on the couch or in the foyer or in the kitchen or whatever, sometimes with other books and people in tow because we’re slutty like that
His Majesty’s Dragon by Naomi Novik
Bet Me by Jennifer Crusie
Perfume by Patrick Suskind
Seize the Fire by Laura Kinsale
Midsummer Moon by Laura Kinsale
Snow Crash by Neal Stephenson
You’re an Animal, Viskovitz! by Alessandro Boffa
A Cook’s Tour by Anthony Bourdain
Moby Dick by Herman Melville
The Catcher in the Rye by J.D. Salinger
Trainspotting by Irvine Welsh
To Have and to Hold by Patricia Gaffney
Only With Your Love by Lisa Kleypas

Books that I’d have hot, dirty, messy sex with once, probably while drunk, and leave first thing in the morning before they’d woken up, and then pretend I don’t recognize when I see them at the grocery store because those beer goggles were FIERCE
Anything written by Dara Joy, ever
Also Kit Garland
And Bertrice Small
Ditto anything Dragonlance
Morning Song by Karen Robards

What about you guys? Feel free to come up with categorizations of your own.

Bitchery Reader Josefina took a long walk in San Juan, and came across some fine specimens of international man-titty in the health supplement store, plus a special extra “WTF” picture as a bonus.

Ah, yes. “Arabian Formula.” It gives you more energy, more potency, and really tight jeans, a turban, and a half naked woman grasping your kneecap.

It’s like a jihad… IN YOUR PANTS!

If you’ve got giant quadriceps, a bikini-clad chipmunk-woman with a tail, and the continuing bother of being chased through the surf by tigers, you need “Energizer Extract.” And also a movie deal.

Note: it’s for adults AND childrens! And it’s manufactured by “Alopecil Corporation.” That’s alarmingly close to “alopecia.” Let’s hope there’s no relation.

This is Josefina. And if your Spanish isn’t as facile as hers, she’s here to tell you that this book? The one she’s holding?

Messages from Princess Diana from the Fourth Dimension. Apparently, judging from the cover art, Princess Diana is communicating with Arianna Huffington. No wonder Josefina looks confused! 

When I first read Janet Mullany’s top 10 lists from the back of her book The Rules of Gentility, I laughed out my nose in an indelicate fashion.

Then Bitchery reader Melissa sent me a link to an LJ that had reprinted the set of top 10 lists in their entirety. I emailed Janet Mullany and asked her permission, and she says that if Avon comes after me for reprinting them here, I should...well, never mind what she said I should do. Either way, the lists are funny enough that they hurt me to read them.

While I was pregnant I didn’t have 2 hours to spare to sit and watch a movie. Now I’m home, on painkillers, and forced by my sexy new incision to spend a good amount of time sitting. Since Baba O’Riley likes to sit with me, it’s not bad, but let me be honest: as usual I have 900 channels and there’s nothing on. And the percocet makes it difficult for me to read and pay attention. I either end up staring at the words blankly or I pass out.

So, while I’m recovering, I figure I’ll watch some movies. But I don’t think I’ve watched a movie in 2 years - so I am at a loss. What’s your recommendation for romantic films (on the comedic side please - I am wickedly hormonal after all) that you’ve enjoyed? 

Holy crap! A completely safe-for-work ad for a porn channel!

I didn’t think those sorts of things needed ads. But oh my God, this is brilliant.

Behold, the entries for the Big Kahuna Cover Design Contest for 2007 - amateur and professional division. It’s now in your hands: who shall come away this year’s cover design champion?

This year, the gay inspirational erotica, it is inspirational, erotic, and in some cases, freaking hilarious. We’re looking for the best cover that visually articulates our original cover copy, so keep that fine copy in mind when you gaze upon the erotically inspiring gay wonderment

Submit your votes - one per person for each category - to both AND by midnight PST on Saturday, September 22. Winners shall be announced Monday, September 24, 2007. Note: please vote by division and by entry number (e.g. “Pro #2, Am #4") so there’s no confusion.

And now - the entries!

UPDATED TO ADD: OOPS! The entry listed as Amateur #4 was actually done by a professional - so, I am starting the voting over effective now (18 Sept. 7.35am EST). If you’ve emailed me a vote, please email me again. Our bad! 

Things are just great here
At the Hotel Percocet.
Wish y’all were here, too!

There’s three meals a day,
laundry’s done for you - and drugs!
Best part? Happy dude.

Baba O’Riley arrived at 9.20pm on September 14, 2007 - 7lbs. and 7 oz. Baby and mama are just fine.

The short story: after laboring all day, we never got the party started so it moved into the OR where I had a C-section. Baba arrived happy and healthy.  I am sore but there is morphine involved so I’m doing ok. We are blessed and happy to have a healthy baby boy. Thank you for all your kind thoughts throughout the day!

Pictures? But of course!

I am being induced today, so think pushy, happy, and preferably painless thoughts. And consider this an open topic - yammer about whatever you want! Pimp yourself, whatever you like.

But while I’m busy, take this naughty American history quiz that Rebyj sent my way. For every question you get right, the male or female model removes an article of clothing. Have fun boning up on American history (heh heh). I didn’t make it past the first few questions because I got distracted getting ready to go - so let me know what you think.

Susan sent us a link to a Charlaine Harris blog entry about the nature of the writing process, and the part readers play in that process.

I’ve noticed lately that quite a few readers seem angry if books don’t turn out in a way that would have made them happier. That’s an attitude I find hard to understand. (Maybe it’s my age? I don’t know.) ... I know that readers have every right not to be happy with the way a book ends, or with the way characters meet their fate. But to be angry with the writer? The characters belong to the writer. I know in a certain sense they belong to the reader, too; but the characters live in the writer’s mind and at her/his will.

Well, there’s anger, and then there’s anger. But I don’t think the feelings of betrayal are that inexplicable--Misery is an effective horror novel because Annie Wilkes is a rather mundane, everyday creature exaggerated to grotesque extremes, which tends to be a specialty of King’s. She’s your biggest fan--and you don’t want to piss off your biggest fan.

Reading for pleasure is a deeply personal process--and when you’re reading fiction, it’s also a deeply emotional process. I know I’ve become angry at authors for fucking up their stories. It’s not the personal, directed rage I’d feel towards somebody who had actively done me wrong, and it’s not the deep, sustaining slow burn I feel when I encounter what I perceive to be social injustice. Later on in the blog, Harris mentions that the writer is God, and I think she’s hit the nail on the head, because you know what? People get angry at God all the time. It may not be rational--it may, in fact, be a completely useless endeavor, but it’s a very human urge.

There are different types of anger, too, and I think it’s important to distinguish between them. There’s the anger I feel when I finish a truly awful book. When the craft displayed isn’t inept so much as in need of major reconstructive surgery--so much so that I have no idea how the book got published--I tend to feel pissy at the time and money I’ve wasted.  I don’t expect a choir of angels singing every time I open a book, but I do expect a base level of competence.

And then there’s the anger at an author when she starts out terrifically, and then fucks it the hell up further down the line (with certain authors, like a certain somebody whose name starts with “L” and ends with “aurell K. Hamilton,” the fucking is literal as well as metaphorical). In a rather strange way, it’s a compliment to the author. The readers are obviously emotionally invested in the book and the characters; the fact that they’re unhappy with the turn of events may be tiresome (and I’m all for an author staying true to her vision, because writing solely to please the fans is a pretty disastrous proposition) but it shows that at least somewhere down the line, you did something right.

I do find the question of who the characters belong to to be an interesting question. The author has ultimate control, but the reader plays a crucial part in the interpretation process. They may not spend as much time with the characters and story as the author does, but the ties that are created can be every bit as strong and real. The readers don’t--and really shouldn’t--get a say in how the story goes, but I can certainly understand their proprietary urges.

The writer is determiner of fate for his or her characters. Writing is a lone pastime, not a group endeavor. It doesn’t take a village to write a book. It takes one person, shut up in a room for hours on end.

This little bit here made me think about the creative process and how we tend to have this idealized vision of the author as this Glorious Isolato, struggling with her vision and her muse. And then she hands it in to the editor, who asks her to cut 5,000 words so the story is tighter and finds a continuity error that needs to be fixed, and the copyeditor, who catches some typos and points out gently that switching tenses every other sentence makes for a jarring read. Yes, a book is written mostly alone, and as I’ve already said, when it comes down to reader whims vs. authorial vision, authorial vision should win, but I think writing a book is a somewhat more collaborative effort than what we give credit for. A good editor is worth her weight in gold; it’s not a coincidence that certain authors start sucking when they hit the big time and are given more space to be self-indulgent. Cf Rice, Anne and BATSHIT INSANITY.

So some things to think about (and if they sound a little like textbook discussion questions, blame law school for putting me in that frame of mind):

What was the last book you got angry about?

Why were you angry?

Were you mad at the book, or at the author--or both?

Who do you think the characters truly belong to: the author? The readers? Both? Neither?

Authors out there: how strongly do editors influence your vision?

Editors out there: How do you keep your authors happy?

A few links sent in by Bitchery readers for your fun and amusement. We’re not just romance, we’re a random news aggregate too!

In the inverse of, “No, this time I’m telling the truth!” we have James Frey’s new book deal, filed under, “No, this time I am really making ALL of it up! I’m REALLY lying this time!” Bitchery reader DesertWillow sent me a link to this Yahoo:News story about the buzz surrounding Frey’s new deal with HarperCollins: “Bright Shiny Morning,” [will be] a “kaleidoscopic” portrait of modern Los Angeles. His first deal was seven figures, according to the article. Holy Cow.

And, should you be looking for a costume to promote your new book or just collect a crapload of free mini candybars next month, Lucinda Betts is here to help you out. They’re not Storm Troopers - they’re FemTroopers! Seems women have stormed the gender barrier of trooper land, but honestly? Those outfits look a little chafe-y to me.