Smart Bitches Trashy Books | All of the romance, none of the bullshit.

It’s horrific, and it’s Halloween and I’ll come out with the depth of my embarrassment.

I am finding the “Brotherhood of the Black Dagger” series horribly, dreadfully, addictively readable. I know. Mock me if you want. It’s true.

One of the RomanceNovel.tv mistresses loaned me all of her copies with the warning, “Do not hurt my books because I love them because THE ARE LIKE CRACK.” Kind of like when you pull something oogey and disturbingly smelly out of the back of the fridge and want to share the horror: “This is awful! Smell this!” She hands me a STACK of books and says, “THEY ARE LIKE CRACK! SERIOUSLY! CRACK!”

I talked a little bit about this in the segment I taped last weekend for RN.tv, specifically about Dark Lover, but I have a gut-level aversion to any book or series that’s surrounded by a rabid fanbase. It’s not so much the self-named groupiedom of communities like the Cellies, etc. - I’m all for getting together and talking about what you really enjoy, obviously. But the general unwillingness in that kind of fan community to acknowledge any criticism of their favorite work irks the shit out of me. I can’t reasonably expect to tread in a fan-based bulletin board with a negative comment about one of the Brotherhood novels and emerge from the experience with all of my own hair in my head. That kind of fanbase leads me to avoid the novels themselves, whether that’s fair or not. Many Harry Potter online groups turn me off for the same reason. It’s as if the books are SO loved and SO revered that there CANNOT BE any FLAWS OMG the HORROR.

But hey, if you hand me a book and tell me it’s the paper bound version of freebasing a dangerous stimulant, I’m willing to try it. And try I did. Ms. Romance is right - it’s crack. Crackity crack crack crack. I’m not saying it’s perfection on paper, but I’m finding myself extremely happy to find it’s feeding time, which is often followed by nap time, which means I get at least an hour or two to read.

My own enjoyment of these books is leading me around to two questions, the first of which I’m addressing here. What is it that makes this book so readable? Is it the intersection of my current mental state (incredibly busy, feeding an infant around the clock and sleep deprived) and the prose of the book? Dark Lover and the sequel, which I’m reading now, don’t ask a lot of my brain, really. The books are dark, sexual, and somewhat angsty (Sorry. Ahnghsty) but they aren’t shoving my emotions through the wringer. And I know better when I’m tired and hormonal to read Kinsale et al.

So what makes this or any book easily and addictively readable? Is it the prose? Is it the population of sympathetic, admirable, and generally likable characters (minus the villains, obviously)? In this particular case, it’s likely the ease with which I can pick up and put down the book, since my reading time is very interrupted these days, and enter and exit the world in which the book is written. It’s a parallel universe in the Hudson Valley - which I’m very familiar with - with a paranormal set of protagonists who follow most of the established habits of vampire heroes (with ahnghst! And Ehxtra H’s!) including the emotional sorrow or trauma that is healed by the intrepid and brave heroine.

I’m picturing all the different pieces of my favorite types of romances as playing cards weighted with a score, and this series scores high on my list of reading pleasures because it combines the “we are undeniably soul mates so let’s hop in the sack for really awesome sex” card, the “super powered and exceptionally large and strong hero” card, the “paranormal” card, the “strong heroine who tells the strong hero to go jump in the lake” card, and the “parallel otherworldly society aka ‘urban fiction’” card.

So what are your cards of high score when it comes to plots and characters? And man, am I ever going to get over this slightly dirty feeling for liking these books so much? Good thing it’s Halloween. I can blame it on my neighbor’s house decorations. And the cemetery across the street. Yeah. That’s it. I’ll blame all those quiet dead people over there. It’s their fault.

Hi, this is SB Sarah’s Hubby.  As you may remember, Sarah got me an autographed copy of Don’t Hassel the Hoff at the book signing this spring.  As a condition to the gift, I was told that I had to actually read the book and review it for this site.  Well, I finally finished the book while she was in labor, so here’s my review.

If I were asked to sum up my impressions of this book in eight words, it would go like this:  “This book was terrible.  I enjoyed it immensely.”

Aside:  This is something you bitches (who have, by the way, gone too far) should know about me.  For me, the answers to the questions, “Was the [movie][show][book] any good?” and “Did you enjoy the [movie][show][book]?” are quite often different.  I lurrrrrve bad entertainment.  Now, there are differences between bad/enjoyable entertainment and bad/unenjoyable entertainment.  For example, one night, before we were married, Sarah and I rented two movies: City of Angels and BASEketball.  Both were bad movies, but one of them was the worst thing I’ve ever seen, and it wasn’t Baseketball.  City of Angels was bad and unwatchable.  Baseketball was bad and enjoyable.  If you’ve ever read New York magazine, you’ve seen the little “Approval Matrix” grid they have, with one axis running from “highbrow” to “lowbrow” and the other running from “brilliant” to “despicable”; my tastes would be found in the lowbrow/brilliant quadrant.  Anyway, I digress.  The point is, I love me some bad entertainment, and Don’t Hassel the Hoff fits the bill perfectly.  The “C” grade is actually a hybrid between an “F” for quality and an “A” for enjoyability. 

There are, if you hadn’t noticed, a LOT of RWA chapters. They’re everywhere. And they often host conferences, and those conferences frequently take advantage of local amenities to entice folks to come on down and learn about romance writing, the industry, you know, all that fun stuff. So - New York City? Allure of the big city and you know, that publishing industry thing everyone talks about. New Jersey? Hey. There’s PLENTY of ALLURE in JERSEY! (I kid - the Jersey conference is awesome.)

But by far the most creative chapter conference I’ve encountered? Florida Romance Writers’ Fun in the Sun Conference . Hey, if you’re based in Florida, why not? Three day cruise to the Bahamas? Agents, editors, writing sessions and a bar that’s open late at night? And not to mention the part where it’s warm? And in the sun? As a potential business expense?

Word. That’s a brilliant idea for a conference. 

Candy and I have joked about the number of heroines who get a cold and linger at death’s door for a good chapter or two, forcing the hero to profess his undying (har har) Lurrrrve™ to end the dark moment. It’s a cold. But no, any cold, even a mild sniffle, is a life-threatening ailment.

From Jezebel comes this hilarious story, “We hate it when a boy breaks up with us—we die of consumption”, which links to a BBC article that discusses what ailments those classic novel heroines actually DID have, and whether some were artfully discussed suicides. Suicide or not, beware the wet grass, y’all.

Speaking of ailments affecting women, EvilAuntiePeril sent me a link to the Mills & Boon page of October romances that are part of their Breast Cancer Campaign:

They might have been better off doing this with the “Medical” line, because most of the “Modern” cover models seem to be showing more enthusiasm than accuracy in their efforts to demonstrate the correct way to do regular breast examinations. Most of the heroes are more focussed on examining the heroine’s neck glands (maybe for lymphona?).

But I’m happy to report that the Italian Billionaire is making an sterling effort to demonstrate his mastery of the correct technique to the Virgin (says so on the back cover) mother of his Secret Love Child. Take a look.

Wonder what other important public health & safety messages could be communicated to a wider audience in the same way?

Hm.

As per Dear Author’s post today - congrats to Emma aka Meredith - for winning the Gather.com First Chapters Romance Writing Competition. She wins a $5000 advance from Simon & Schuster and her book will be published by S&S’s Pocket Books division. Her book The Shadow’s Kiss will be released in spring 2008. You can read chapters 1 and 2 on Meredith’s Gather.com page.

Second place went to Starr Toth, for her entry Trust Me, which will be published next fall. You can read her chapters online, too.

Way to go Emma & Starr!

Wry Hag sent this to me, so in case anyone is picking up last-minute pumpkins, keep this option in mind.

(So very not work safe - so it’s below the fold).

Kate Duffy hath spoken, and there are people running for the hills at your local conservative bookstore at the idea that a book with any of the following titles might be coming soon (hur). But if I saw a book like this? I’d laugh my ass off.

The winners are:

MT’s Big Asses That Would Really Prefer a Nice Massage With Scented Oil and Maybe Some Romantic Music in the Background

AnimeJune’s Convenient Travel-Size Spankable Asses

Catherine J’s Sweet and Sour Wanton

Kassiana’s Yes, We’re Trying to Cash In on BDSM

and

Angelina’s Jenny Craig Didn’t Work for This Ass

Thanks again to Kate Duffy and Kensington for whipping (hur) free books into the mail for SBTB readers, and to y’all for cracking me up like damn.

Bitchery reader Jennifer asks for our help:

I’ve tried other sites to find the title and have had no luck.  It’s not the first romance I read.  It’s not even the best I have read.  But it was good enough that I remember searching out other books by the same author. So, here is what I remember and I’m hoping you can help a bitch out:

Historical novel.  Regency I think.  Guy has to marry (for inheritance or some such reason) but doesn’t want to.  He’s a Duke or a Lord or some other titled dude.  Girl is sick and presumably dying at a rectory in some village, of which the Vicar or Chaplain or wtfever is a friend of the dude who has to get married.  So, the Vicar marries the dude to the dying girl, who, you guessed it, isn’t really dying.  Dude goes back to London, girl shows up and moves in (if I recall correctly, she shows up duing a dinner party) and hilarious hijinks ensue as they learn to live with each other and fall in love and live HEA.  I also think there was a bitchy Aunt who really had a heart of gold or some such cliche in this book as well.

Please sooth my heaving breast and help me!

She’s not really sick, and he of course HAS to get married, and there’s a curmudgeon with a heart of gold? Man, this could be one of a few novels - but it’s not ringing any bells for me. Only once, for the record, have I identified the book. I am Le Lame, ya’ll. 

Bitchery reader AnimeJune asks for assistance finding this book that, well, it’s just… wow:

I’ve noticed that many Bitches have been helped out as of late, and thought I’d add my bitch to the pile because I’ve been looking for this book for FOREVER and can’t for the life of me remember the title.

It’s a fantasy as well as a romance, I believe, and I read it about nine years ago when I bought it as a used-book store (but the book was relatively new at the point, I’m pretty sure). It’s San Francisco in 1912, I think, and the protagonist is this sort of straight-laced girl who’s hired by this mysterious rich dude to read books about magic aloud to him - through a pipe, though, so she can’t see him.

Turns out he’s some sort of fire-magician who tried a difficult spell to turn himself into a werewolf but it backfired REALLY badly and left him in some bizarre half-man-half-wolf state. But his junk’s human - I remember THAT part. He needs to do research to find a cure, but because his wolf-eyes can’t really focus enough for him to read print, he needs the girl to do it.

I seem to recall he falls for her because he thinks she has wind-magic, and fire and wind go really well together, but, uh, he looks like Balto and Hugh Jackman had a nasty baby together so he can’t make a move. Eventually the girl clues in, and wants to help him find a cure, even falls for him a bit, but they have to fight a rival magician and somehow the San Francisco earthquake factors in and screws some stuff up.

Eventually the woman and the wolf-man end up together, and this is the part I remember the most clearly: that he’s still a wolf at the end because the cure got lost in the earthquake, but they love each other anyway. It sounds like a reinterpretation of “Beauty and the Beast” - only he stays a beast. If anyone remembers a novel like this, I’d love to read it again and see if my 21-year-old self finds it as salacious and AWESOME as my 12-year-old self did.

Balto and Hugh Jackman? Thank God his Junk is human, though. Because… dude. 

In our discussion of Historical Erotica, Kate Duffy volunteered to give away five copies of Explosive by Charlotte Mede, a January 2008 release from Brava.

How to give away? Well, I figure, poor Kensington, they need help. After the subtlety of Big Spankable Asses, they need help coming up with titles for books. (And again, for the record - that ass? NOT BIG. I KNOW FROM BIG ASS.)

So - it’s time for a quick round of Help A Publisher Out. We need title ideas for the sequel to Big Spankable Asses. Top five as judged by Kate win a free copy of Explosive. So leave your title suggestion - Giant Dangling Boobs? Swampy Engorged Manmeat? - in the comments, and Kate will stop by to judge at 4:00 pm Eastern time Monday, 29 October. Comments will close at 3:30 pm Eastern time.

Come (hur) to think about it, that list of horrid euphemisms from EC might help here. Except, not.

Bitchery reader Marianne sent me the following info:

I got an e-mail from a company that I’d bought a murder mystery from....

Title was: Planned your Halloween party yet?

And one of the suggestions…

We wanted to send a friendly reminder that Halloween is fast approaching approaching.  As a result, we would like to suggest a murder mystery themed event to ring in this year’s Allhallows’ eve.  It just so happens, that we think murder mysteries and Halloween go hand-in-hand.  Furthermore, this year we have created extra spooky Halloween murder mysteries.  In Halloween with The Hoff, Mr. David Hasslehoff is having a Halloween party at his luxurious estate and many iconic celebrities are invited.  However, “The Hoff” goes belly-up at the beginning of the soiree, allowing for all in attendance as a possible suspect.  It would appear “The Hoff” has many enemies, so, solving this mystery will be no walk in the park. 

Unthinkable that he has that many enemies…

No really: check it out. The Hoff has Halloween stuff hidden in all his crevices. And iconic celebrities? Like who? Who are the iconic enemies of The Hoff? We must flush them out and be rid of them! 

Behold! There were over 50 entries in the Nora Roberts Quiz of Gigantic Awesomeness, but only 8 people got every answer right. And the first one to email a complete and entirely correct ballot of answers is: StacieH4. Her answers came in hours after the quiz went live - I was impressed. So - Congratulations Stacie! Well played.

Want to know the answers? Of course you do - and Taylor Reynolds is going to help me, because she was guessing out of left field and her answers made me snort water up my nose.

Bitchery reader Raelene asks for your help with an old skool romance:

I’ve been looking for this book for years, maybe all the wise readers here can identify it.

Probably from the 70s or 80s. An historical, probably Regency-set. Heroine is a lively (and perhaps a bit unconventional?) young woman making her come-out. She is courted by the son of a Duke. But then he goes off on her for some reason, shows interest in another woman, and disses heroine to his friends, putting her reputation in jeopardy. His father, the Duke (who isn’t all that old), feels he must save the heroine from his son’s behavior and ends up offering to marry her himself, which of course makes her immediately acceptable and popular in Society. Of course daddy Duke and the heroine fall blissfully in love. I don’t recall son/heir’s reaction to his old man’s behavior, but I bet he was pissed! I do recall one element near the end—she loves to wear green, which wasn’t a fashionable color. But once she marries the Duke, all the women start wearing “the Duchess’s color” to be in fashion.

Well that’s a new, or old, romance plot line: “My son is a selfish douchebag. Will you marry me?” And I personally love to wear green. I knew I was fashionable! (not.)

Have you heard of Second Life? It’s an online virtual society populated by eight million members so large that it has it’s own virtual cable network, the Second Life Cable Network. The SL members are represented by avatars (a graphical representation of the individual), and the cable network tapes shows in front of “live” audiences of SL members.

One of the programs on SLCN is “Authors in your Pocket,” and on Sunday, October 28, Lisa Jackson and Nancy Bush will be interviewed live. The interview can be seen live by SL members at 8:00pm EST, and afterwards can be seen at the slcn.tv website for non-SL-members.

So not only can authors promote themselves in the “real world,” but they can promote themselves in virtual worlds as well, with avatars representing their actual selves, interacting with an entirely different audience of potential readers. (Or you can be really pessimistic about it and shriek to yourself, “OMGWTF I have to promote myself in TWO UNIVERSES NOW?!”

So: how many of your are familiar with online virtual societies, and how well do you think they can be used for self-promotion?

Bitchery reader Lucinda Betts sent me a link to an amazing raffle so I’m spreading the word: The Aphrodisia Authors are Raffling Off Editors to raise money for author Dawn Thompson’s hospital and medical bills, which are beyond the reaches of her insurance coverage. Fellow author Deborah Macgillivray is organizing the raffle, and really, the prizes are pretty incredible.

For $100, you are entered in a chance to win, and there are fifteen first prizes. To quote the entry: “15 people with completed or nearly completed manuscripts (any genre!) will have their manuscript read by Hilary Sares. All 15 will get a one page critique of their manuscript.” There are also runner-up prizes as well - so go have a look at the entry on that page for complete details.