Smart Bitches Trashy Books | All of the romance, none of the bullshit.

Thursday’s entry from the Ellora’s Cave folks over at Red Lines and Deadlines is a scream. As in, I read the first eewey euphemism for vagina and ran screaming from the room.

Seriously. Is it possible to write a convincing or even mildly lukewarm love scene using these phrases?

In other so-horrible-you-wheeze-and-cry news, Bitchery reader Jen sent me a PDF of “The Worst Album Covers Ever.” It will break your heart, and ruin your eyesight, but if you right click and download, you too can swing your own gospel axe. Go on. Hurt yourself. Or check out some of them along with other examples online. 

It’s Friday, it’s business time, and Principal Firebush and I totally giggled like 12 year old boys at this video, courtesy of Deirdre Martin:

May you, your pork sword, and your really hot galoshes have a great weekend! 

A noble, awesome Bitchery reader forwarded me this absolutely snort-worthy article from the Lancet, a UK medical journal, which looks at medical romance.

Take a look - it's worth the download.

Brendan D. Kelly, from the Department of Adult Psychiatry at University College of Dublin, who has an astonishing number of letters after his name took a look at 20 medical romance novels, and based on the areas of medical practice featured in those novels, he writes:

These novels draw attention to the romantic possibilities of primary care settings and the apparent inevitability of uncontrolled passions in the context of emergency medicine, especially as practised on aeroplanes. These novels suggest that there is an urgent need to include instruction in the arts of romance in training programmes for doctors and nurses who intend working in these settings.

The best part? The end where Dr. Kelly declares that he has "no conflict of interest."

The story was picked up by the BBC today, and if you look at their listen again page, and click the file for 0730-8000, at about 12:35 minutes in, they discuss the article as part of their news coverage. Their health correspondent interviews Dr. Kelly about his survey of medical romance in a 4 minute segment.

Seems Dr. Kelly thinks the medical romance are amusing and silly because they are so far removed from the reality of the medical profession. But the swell of romantic music as he describes the commonalities among the medical romance novels is delightfully condescending and yet giggle-worthy.

He's got a point about the lack of realism: I do watch shows like Grey's Anatomy and say to myself that if I ever needed emergency medical care and I ended up at a hospital where the doctors were busy boinking each other in the closets, I'd be calling my attorney and getting the hell out of there. But for entertaining escapism? Few settings are as passionately charged and fascinating to outsiders as hospitals.

The part of the story I find most amusing is that of all the articles he's written, the romance novel examination is the one that made the most media splash and penetrated beyond medical publishing. Well, duh, dude.

Bitchery Reader Rachel sends this request for help:

My name's Rachel and I've been reading your site for about a year now, and I'm hoping that the bitchery can help me find one of the very first romance novels I read. This was when I was 12 so it would have been 1995, though the book could have been a bit older than that. Anyways, it was about a little girl named Eleanor who grew up on an estate in Wales with one evil (maybe pedophile) uncle and another (Uncle Evan) who was cursed with gigantism. She had a plucky and noble governess named Charlotte who ended up married to Uncle Evan, and Eleanor grew up and fell in love with a servant named Owain who was a lot older than her. They got married and split up for awhile and she became an actress and he went to America and they ended up together HEA in Texas where he was a rich rancher (I think).

I remember a lot about this book because I wrote a book report on it which I still have a copy of, but some how I never mentioned the name of the book or the author in my report (and still got an A+!) and detailed google searches of the character's names has turned up nothing. There was also a rival named Victor Thane, that I totally thought Eleanor should have picked over Owain, so much so that I wrote an alternate last 5 chapters for extra credit and so the book would end right. Do you think you could post this and help me out?

A Welsh romance ending up on a ranch in America? With a possibly evil perhaps pedophile villain? Wow. This is like a full house of romance cliches - I'm so curious!

Thanks for asking me to judge these marvelous haikus.  What a blast!  Here’s what I’ve got:

Runners Up Categories (in no particular order):

You Rock!

Emeline Green:

Cowboys, shieks and Dukes
Are antique heros. Give me
Wang Everlasting.

Riveting!

Adler: 

He is old pennies
and undead dust in my mouth:
Haemovore fetish.

AElfwyn: 

Gold eyes gleam darkness
I wait to breathe death, throat bared
In you I see light

Laughed Out Loud!

Vix 626: 

Vampires have parts
That are long and very white
And I don’t mean teeth

First Runner Up!

Rachel B: 

Stalking silly girls
In darkness, ending their lives
I miss eating fruit

Should have worked out more
Now deathless and eternal
doughy midsection

Jennifer says, “Rachel, if you’ll either give Sarah your mailing information to send on to me, or go to my website at jenniferrardin.com and e-mail me the information, I’d like to personally send you a copy of Once Bitten, Twice Shy.  Humor like that deserves a literal reward!”

And the Winner Is...

Cat Marsters:

I like vampires
Especially when
They fight back a bit

Jennifer says, “Cat, I picked yours because you might have been channeling my heroine, Jaz, when you wrote it.  In fact, I wouldn’t be a bit surprised if it’s the last thing she thinks before she stakes a villainous vamp.  Congratulations.  I hope you enjoy reading the series as much as I’ve loved writing it!”

--Jennifer Rardin

---

Thanks to Jennifer for judging, Orbit Books for the prize and to the readers for cracking me up like DAMN today. Well played!

Vampire haiku:
It’s like man-titty haiku
with sharper nipples.

I have dragged author Jennifer Rardin over to this here site, probably kicking and screaming but it’s virtual so maybe she’s got a big flamethrower aimed at me or something, in order to announce a really kickass contest. Originally I suggested that I’d give away a shiny new copy of Once Bitten, Twice Shy since I have two, but then Alex, Jennifer’s publicist, sweetened the pot and said, ‘How about a Year of Vampires?’ And I exploded with jealousy and said, ‘Hell yeah!’

Here’s the deal: in the comments to this entry today until 4:00 pm Pacific Time, post a haiku (up to two 5-7-5 stanzas, please) of your own creation about vampire heroes. Hate them? Love them? Feel the need for raunchy vamp haiku? Bring it on, and post it here.

Jennifer will judge the best one, and Orbit books will send that lucky winner A Year of Vampires - every book in Rardin’s series as they come out for the next year. That would be Once Bitten, Twice Shy, which is out now, Another One Bites the Dust, which comes out in December, and Biting the Bullet , which comes out in February of 2008. The Jaz Parks series is a five-book series, so the last two would be part of the deal as well. Not bad, eh?

So - bring it on! Post your poetic tributes to the vampire hero here, and Jennifer will be judging your creative efforts.

Thanks and graceful curtsies to Alex Lencicki, Orbit Books, Jennifer Rardin, and vampire heroes for being every-damn-where.

Generally we have a lot to say around these parts about kickass heroines who go all wussy or, God forbid, humpity sexfiend on us. Or, for that matter, heroines who are labeled as strong, feisty, or even lethal on the back cover but then spend the whole plot hiding behind or whimpering for a big hulking male to come and kick the ass on her behalf. Highly unsatisfying.

Which is why I am so pleased when I discover a genuinely kickass heroine. Jasmine Parks, aka “Jaz,” in Jennifer Rardin’s new series (Yes, yes, another series. I’m going to read a stand-alone single title next, I swear) is 100% bonafide grade A certified-by-Oregon-Tilth Kick. Ass. What are the ways in which the ass is kicked by Jaz? Let me count them:

1. She gets hurt. She falls out glass windows, shit (not literally) falls on her, she gets cut, hit, slapped, beaten, and bitten, and she says “OW” and then keeps going because if she stops to nurse her wounds and whine about how she’s a delicate little flower, she’ll die. There’s fight sequences that make you wince, because Jaz will get the ever living shit beat out of her and still stand up and kick the ass.

2. She doesn’t call for help unless she needs it. Her partner has otherworldly powers (more on that in a minute) and can kick slightly more of the ass than she can, but does she hide behind a pillar and whine for him to come save her? Nope. She pulls yet another weapon out of her sleeve and serves up the ass for more kicking.

3. She rescues herself time and again from some bad situations, while also keeping in mind the relative health and safety of other people who have come into her world. She looks out for her partner, the people who help her, the could-be-a-stock-character-yet-is-awesomely-developed gadget dude who builds neat weapons, and all the other characters who enter her posse. No one is expendable in Jaz’s estimation.

4. She tends to become personally offended and outraged when innocent life is taken for granted and needlessly killed. She tries to keep collateral damage to a minimum, and gets really freaking pissed if her target kills people and taunts her with it.

5. She knows that getting the funky-funky on with her partner is a bad idea, and repeatedly recognizes that and thus lectures herself out of doing so regularly. She’s strong in her own convictions, so the sexual tension builds for understandable reasons without being contrived.

6. She’s flawed, emotionally wounded, unsure of herself at times, and at times genuinely surprised that she’s able to kick all the ass what needs kicking. Yet, turn the page, there’s more ass kicking.

Have I explained sufficiently how much I like Jaz? She’s ornery, prickly, haunted, wounded, exceptionally smart, and lethal. Even when she bugs me, she does it in a way that’s understandable for her character, and I can get over it easily enough. The kickass heroine, how I love thee. I’m about three minutes from being an annoying bint and emailing the author, her publicist, and anyone who knows her to beg for book three because I’m sorry I’m done with 1 and 2.

Bitchery reader Sara, more appropriately known as Baroness Nutte-Saxon, is in search of the first romance she’s ever read. And wow.

I bought a romance novel from a drugstore when I had nothing to read at band camp (geek alert!) over the summer in the late 1980s or early 1990s when I was in my early teens. All I remember of the plot was that it was set in Colonial America, and early on, the heroine was sentenced to be executed for something that she didn’t do. The hero was in charge of the execution, and he couldn’t stop it. So he took the bullets out of all the rifles, gave the “ready, aim, fire” order, and let his soldiers fire away. The heroine, expecting to die, fainted upon hearing the crack of the guns and fell into the pit where the bodies go. The hero was able to smuggle out her limp body and explained that he couldn’t tell her what he’d done because she had to act genuinely scared during the execution. I believe sexx0ring then ensued. That’s all I can recall of the plot.

I remember thinking at the time that the book was actually quite good and being surprised about it, because I’d always assumed romance novels were junk with sex scenes attached. How wrong I was! It wasn’t until about 10 years later that I started reading them regularly, but I’ve often wondered what my first romance novel was called. Does that ring a bell with anybody?

Band camp? Colonial America? Firing squad? Innocent because imminent death is scary? I’m so curious - what book is this?

I have been working on this quiz for awhile now, and because of that, it’s bloody huge. But! So is the prize pack! Behold, the Nora Roberts Quiz of Gigantic Awesomeness.

Here’s the rules: one entry per person. No, “Oh, I remembered the answer to yadda yadda please accept this instead!” You hit send, you’re done.

Submit your ballots via the form below. If the form doesn’t work for you, please, email me immediately. I’ve been testing this thing for awhile so it should work. If you’d rather not use the form, please feel free to email me your answers directly.

If more than one ballot has 100% of the answers correct, the first one received according to the timestamp on the email message will be the winner.

You have until 11:59 pm Pacific Time on Friday, October 26 to answer the quiz. This entry will self-destruct in exactly 48 hours.

And what does the winner get?

Holy canoli, Batman.

The Prize Pack of Awesomeness:

One (1) signed, and doodled (it’s a wombat) hardback of Innocent in Death

One (1) signed, and doodled, hardback of High Noon

One (1) signed ARC of Blood Brothers

One (1) signed Nora Roberts beach mat, complete with white inflatable pillow and pocket for carrying your reading material to the beach.

One (1) signed Nora Bobblehead doll, swan hat not included.

Special thanks to: Nora Roberts, for probably giving herself carpal tunnel after signing all these prizes, and to Turn the Page Books and Nora for donating the ARC and the beach mat.

And now: on to the quiz! 

A few days delayed (my apologies) but no less of importance - a Smart Bitch Coronation.

Congratulations to Bettie, who correctly guessed last week’s Guess That Lonely Heart - it was indeed Jasmine Parks from Jennifer Rardin’s Another One Bites the Dust. Kneel, Bettie, and arise a member of the Smart Bitch Peerage™.

Bitchery reader Jen writes in with a question I hadn’t thought to ask, and I’m as big a fan of historical erotica as she is:

I just finished Lisa Valdez’s Passion. I loved it. Problem is, I can’t get a hold of her ONE other book, yet. Furthermore, because I’m such a dork, I’ve just discovered there’s a NAME for the type of books I love...heretofore thought of as plain, ‘ol “historical romance.” Well, I’ve learned from reading Passion that I actually love erotica. Who knew!?! Well, I knew I liked all things erotic...the stronger the better. But, I never even realized I should seek books under category “erotica.” Duh!

So, armed with my new knowledge, I set out online, and to local stores to find new books. Forget about it. Major stores in my area mix up the THREE erotica books w/ regular romance. Half Price has a separate section, but it offers nothing LIKE Lisa Valdez, or historical romance.

Finally, my question for you…

Assuming (nay, HOPING) you’ve read any Lisa Valdez, can you recommend any other authors with a similar style? Historical romance, intriguing characters, good stories....and heavy doses of nice, strong erotic content. I’m not easily offended by any of the sexual content. But, like you mentioned in your Unmasqued review, I am quite offended by bad stories, characters, etc.

Hope you might have advice. 

So - what historical erotica do you recommend? Let’s hear it. 

We hurt because we love. And we place beneath the fold because HOLY SHIT, NOT WORK SAFE.

Bitchery Reader Taylor sends this image from by far the most romantic, exceptionally peaceful and relaxing place on earth. Iraq. Where else could you buy a rug to allow yourself the eternal pleasure of walking on a piece of vividly depicted romance?

Seriously. Quoth Taylor, “I was in a gift shop in Irbil, Iraq. Apparently Irbil is part of Romancelandia; I had no idea! This rug was about the size of a smallish coffee table, and the shop owners actually expected someone to buy it and place it on the floor for the next few generations to walk on.”

Irbil, huh? Wow. I need to go shopping there. Soon.

Here at Smart Bitches, we are all about Tiki Barber. What’s Tiki doing now that he’s retired? What kind of car does he drive? What major literary awards does he present, and what color tie does he wear?

I haven’t found a great picture besides this one, but check it out: behind some author named Nora Roberts whose book Angels Fall won the Quill Award for Book of the Motherfriggin’ Year , there’s Tiki Barber. Looks like his tie is burgundy, no?

Bitchery reader Shannon cracked me up with this one:

My mom was telling me about a book she didn't finish last night. She said it had something to do with a vampire who used to be a priest, but he got bitten by a master vampire, so then he and the heroine have to go find said master vampire and kill him. My mom says the title was Bloodlust, but she can't remember the author and a google search hasn't proved all that helpful.

Anyway, this is significant because my mom has read and liked Cassie Edwards books, and this vampire priest book was a DNF for her. I want to find and read it for myself, because I am morbidly curious about a book that is, if we judge my mom's taste in books, worse than Cassie Edwards.

So! What is this book? Was it any good? Would a reader who digs the Cassie Edwards find it abhorrent because it's good or it's a different kind of bad? The possibilities of building a scale of book quality with Cassie Edwards as the lowest point just cracks me up.