Smart Bitches Trashy Books | All of the romance, none of the bullshit.

We Smart Bitches wish you many wonderful novels in your stockings (or on your eBook reader, if you and Santa have that spunky digital connection - nudge nudge wink wink) and a peaceful, warm, and very Merry Christmas.

First, from Janet Mullany, this is so not what I am singing to the neighbors:

And second: each night Freebird and I drive around our neighborhood looking for lights. For a two year old, lights on houses is the coolest thing ever, especially when they come in funkass colors. So, from Freebird & me: funky houses with funky lights from across the US. Thank God they don’t live next door:

I’ve ordered two free samples of Danielle Steel’s fragrance, received exactly zero samples of said scent, but am nonetheless on her email subscription list. So therefore I am informed with Many! Capital! Letters! in an email that appears to be from Danielle Steel that she and Ladies’ Home Journal are hosting a short story contest. According to Danielle Steel’s site the winner will be “hand selected” by Danielle, which cracks me up. “Hand selected?” Is that really the same as “personally selected” or does “hand selected” mean someone will close their eyes and point?

The short stories have to be titled ”Believe in Happy Endings” - which could create some absolutely fantastic erotica entries, doncha think? 

Bitchery reader Jennifer begs for assistance:

I’m a bitch (though how smart I am is open to debate) who needs help finding a book before the search drives me insane (an admittedly short trip).  Here’s what I remember about it:

I read it in middle/high school (late 80s early 90s, but it may have been out a couple of years by then). It’s YA romantic suspense and *may* have been ordered from Weekly Reader.

Set in New England (I think)
She was spoiled and somewhat bratty at first.
She’s big into sailing and may even have a summer job teaching basic sailing skills to children. I think she was in high school.
He was a little older - maybe in college and has a summer job in her town.
She has a crush on the popular guy who, of course, turns out to be a real jerk
She keeps screwing everything up when she’s around the hero, and they really clash at first
There’s a scene toward the end where she takes her sailboat out even though she’s been told not to, there’s a storm, the bad guy is either in the boathouse or ends up on the boat with her. The hero, naturally, comes to the rescue.

I will be forever grateful if anyone can help me out!

TSTL YA heroine needs ALPHA YA hero with a big hard mizzenmast! Bring it on!

We’ve been talking a lot about sexism and women, feminism and romance in the past two weeks, so this week, we have Joss Whedon’s speech from his award from Equality Now in 2006.

Of course, someone posted it in the comments to an earlier entry, so in case you’ve already seen the Whedon Whonderment, here’s a bonus video.

Bitchery Reader PattiR says:

Since I suffer from C.R.S.S. (Can’t Remember Shit Syndrome) I am asking you Bitches for help.

I have seen how amazing you all are at this, so I am really hoping you can help me out.  It’s driving me crazy that I cannot remember this book.  I have no idea how many years ago I read it, (at a guess, I’d say 20 years) and I can’t remember anything but the basic story line. And I mean basic.

I know, not much to go on, but if you can just help me get that much closer to figuring it out, I would be thankful.

Well, here goes:

I think this book takes place in the Turn of the Century American South.  I really want to say Louisiana, but I am not positive.

There is a (Gypsy??) prophesy about a light and a dark child, and how one will destroy the other.

The Villain of the story is a fair haired man, married/engaged to/dating the Heroine, and he is in politics of some kind. He also abuses/beats the Heroine.

The Heroine is trying to figure out her life/try and get out of her abusive relationship, and along comes this very handsome, dark haired man (the Hero).

He helps her out, in what way I have no idea (I told you I read this a really long time ago).  I think he tries to help her get out of the abusive relationship she is in.

Really not sure about the middle of the story, but at the end, Villain and Hero get into a big fight at a really big house, a party was going on or was about to go on and I think the Hero shoots the Villain. That is about all I can remember.  Pitiful, huh?

Sound like anything any of you have read?? Can anyone help this Bitch out?

The fair villain and the dark hero? Is it Othello in turn-of-the-century Louisiana? 

I’m running around like someone is after me with a broadsword, but here are three quick sentences.

I am both fascinated and infuriated by this book review.

I’m fascinated to the point that I now want to read the book; I’m infuriated because I know reading it is going to be bad for my blood pressure.

I think I might have to review it here, because we talk about romance, kink, S&M, gay rights, gay sex, More Stuff About Teh Ghey, and Hasselhoff. And while Hoff’s sexual rights are likely not hasseled, it’s not really a good day in my world unless I invoke some mention of Hofftasticness.

I found this link and almost snorted Diet Coke up my nose: among the home-based businesses and telecommuting opportunities on this blog, the writer lists romance novel writing as a viable home-based business for stay-at-home moms.

Now, I’m well aware that there are some romance novelists who are working from home, for whom writing is their full time job. That’s freaking awesome. But for every one I’d guess there are three more writers who are working around full time jobs, so for this blog to portray the career like it’s so simple is just ludicrous. But oh, so amusing!

If you like writing, have a great imagination and knack for storytelling, have self-discipline, are a romantic, are willing to sell your finished novel, and are persistent, then being a romance novelist may be the home business for you!

As a romance novelist you should be writing everyday. Many successful romance novelists look to everyday life, or historical events to generate ideas for a story. Your job is not only to write your book but it will also be to sell it! If you self publish you will be in charge of printing, marketing, selling, and fulfilling orders of your book. If you don’t want to self publish, you will need to find a publisher to do all those things for you for a percentage of your book’s profits.

Start-up costs can vary greatly, it depends on if you self publish or if you find a publisher. If you find a publisher then they take on the costs of getting your book out into the marketplace but self-publishing can costs thousands of dollars if you plan to warehouse printed copies of your books. Print-on-demand services like BookSurge can cut down on self-publishing costs.

Romance novelists can make mediocre incomes and some are millionaires, it all depends on your writing talent and how determined you are to sell your book!

Well, at least this writer acknowledges that writing is a business.  But becoming a published novelist apparently has little to do with dedication, work, trends, research, paying attention to what sells in the market right now, or opportunity and preparedness. Talent and determination are all you need! What a blissfully blithe summation of how easy it is to be a stay-at-home-mom/romance novelist.

*headdesk*

Suppose for a moment that words can take on three dimensional qualities, like sticks, stones, etc.

I present for your perusal my imagination’s depiction of Joss Whedon’s quote from this article in the Globe & Mail about sexism in popular culture as a perfectly warm and friendly bathtub of water that I can curl up in for hours and won’t ever get cold:

“Women’s inferiority - in fact, their malevolence - is as ingrained in American popular culture as it is anywhere they’re sporting burkas,” wrote Buffy the Vampire Slayer creator Joss Whedon on a website recently. “I find it in movies, I hear it in the jokes of colleagues, I see it plastered on billboards… Women are weak, manipulative, somehow morally unfinished. The logical extension of this line of thinking is that women are expendable… There is a staggering imbalance in the world that we all just take for granted.”

It’s not that this quote makes me happy, but it’s comforting that there are people who Get It.

[Thanks to Emily for the link.]

Oh yes. The judgment of women’s physicality, that pubic hair, cellulite, wrinkles, and any signs of humanity that might possibly be unattractive - Hillary Clinton has long been the subject of that judgment. Even before she ran for president, any unflattering picture of Hillary was eagerly published by the media. I remember (but can’t find) a very unflattering pic from possibly 1992 or 1991 of Clinton adjusting a mic cord behind her head that was all over the front pages of newspapers. In color. Because, you know, that’s news.

The funny thing is, like I said in my comment to that entry, as I read the Safran article that bashed American and British women’s personal upkeep, I thought he sounded more like a woman criticizing another woman - even more specifically, he sounded like what I say. To myself.

Please pass the kick in my own ass, thanks, because I need one.

So back to romance and how that fits in. (It’s not all about me. It’s all about romance. I’m generous. Not narcissistic. Except for the whole blog thing, which is gleeful narcissism.) Brindel’s accusations that romance is the shield of the attacking patriarchy and the endless question of whether romance novels and feminism (and related words and concepts) can sit on the same park bench and feed the ducks leads me to more questions.

• It is news around the world - a top story - that Jamie Lynn Spears, Britney’s 16 year-old sister, is pregnant.
• Comments following that story like cars on a really long ass train are words like “white trash,” “trailer,” “stupid,” “idiot,” “low class,” and “what the fuck?”
• Because place of birth, intellect, present domicile and access to fame and attention definitely contribute to increased rates of teen pregnancy. And only poor people find themselves with unplanned pregnancies.
• Really, is it a surprise that, given the state of the American political attitude toward women’s health issues, birth control, condom availability for teenagers, and sexual education among young people, that a 16 year old got pregnant?
• Obviously, money and some external standard of behavior and style are the real defense against unwanted, unplanned pregnancy.
• Reforming our collective attitude towards sex and birth control, and lobbying to make birth control options and sexual education available to young people in the US, that’s not the answer at all. No, no, no. Can’t have young people having access to affordable birth control. Or information about sexual reproduction.
• Imagine the stink if she had elected to have an abortion and THAT story got out. Poor kid.
• It’s much more productive to roll eyes, point and sneer, laugh and make jokes about some 16-year-old sister of a deeply troubled and self-destructive famous person because she got pregnant unintentionally.
• Yeah, that makes sense. 
• I’m going back to my news fast, (which won’t do me much good because this story is freaking everywhere) because I can think of ten or eleven better things to do with my time than make fun of a 16 year old who is in a really tough position, AND has to deal with being a top story around the world on top of her unplanned pregnancy. 
• Can you imagine? Most teenagers who find themselves with an unplanned pregnancy deal with having friends, family, and strangers talking about them. Spears knows that people around the world are talking about her. Holy shit.
• Number one on my list of better things to do: a donation to PlannedParenthood.
• Hey, cool! Between now and 31 December 2007, all gifts are matched up to $250,000. (Please note: I’m feeling profoundly squidgy by passing that info on, like I’m telling you what to do with your money. I’m not.)
• Take that, Bill Napoli and anyone who stands in the way of open dialogue with young people in the US about sexuality, reproduction, birth control, abortion, and women’s and men’s sexual health issues.

From AztecLady, a link to a superb interview with Suzanne Brockmann about her son, his coming out, and her knowledge from when he was a toddler that he was gay. Speaking of Brockmann, if you won a copy of her book and you’ve read it, please let me know what you thought?

...here’s another rant by another douchebag who doesn’t have a clue about women: ”What Happened to All The Nice Guys?”

Mightygodking does an excellent job of dismantling him line by line so we don’t have to.

I’ll just say that once again, my Rule of Nice Guys pays off: The more a guy professes how “nice” he is, the more he actually isn’t. Truly nice people are not especially aware of how nice they are, and generally don’t think of describing themselves that way. When a person continually insists he’s a “nice guy,” he actually means he’s a plain-looking dude who will allow himself to be thoroughly pussywhipped by a beautiful girl [notice that they’re always attractive girls, because he has standards, dammit] in the misguided hopes that he’ll get some trim, and become progressively more bitter when he finds out this doesn’t work.

Bitchery reader Caroline sent me this link to a jaw-dropping column about how American women measure up to British women, written by some guy I’ve never heard of named Tad Safran.

I would like to place my crisp, waxed, manicured, and very attractive dollar, which is worth jackass shit compared to the UK Pound, on a bet that Mr. Safran will have a HELL of a time getting laid in the future.

Mr. Safran thinks American girls pay more attention to our appearances, and we look after ourselves with what we consider obligatory beauty maintenance that includes, “haircut, highlights, manicure, pedicure, waxing, tanning, make-up, facials, teeth whitening etc. They will spend a further $1,000 (£500) a month on physical conditioning such as military fitness, spinning sessions, vikram [sic] yoga, Pilates, deep-tissue sports massage, personal training etc. On top of that, add the occasional spa day, a week-long “bikini boot camp” in Mexico at the start of every summer and seasonal splurges on personal shoppers and clothing. I’m not sure any of my British female friends spends £700 during an entire year on her appearance.”

Ouch. Well, ok, he’s entitled to his opinion. But then he breaks out the nasty and layers it on with a very thick hand:

“At dinner, I found myself sitting opposite something that surely would have been happier hunting for truffles in the forests of France or grazing on the grassy marshlands of Canada. My friend’s wife had told me that Sophie still had the body of a 20-year-old. Maybe she did . . . dismembered in her freezer at home. She certainly didn’t have it on her skeleton.”

Oh, dude. No, you didn’t.

So based on his experience with one blind date and his observations of women in the US - specifically New York City and LA, two cities wherein the female inhabitants are certainly more self-aware in terms of beauty regimen than other parts of the country - he arrives at his question: “Why is it the case (and I’m generalising here) that British women spend so little time and effort on looking after them-selves.... For some reason, being seen to make an effort with one’s appearance is regarded as shameful among British women.”

What?! He thinks Brit ladies are fugtastic because of a twisted beauty-based version of tall-poppy syndrome?

Fear not, British women. He gives us forward American women a mannerly shakedown as well: “The irony is that, as obsessed as American women are with their looks, they totally ignore their social skills. Within 10 minutes of meeting an American woman, I guarantee you will know her salary and most recent medical/ dental procedure. They all but turn up with their CV printed out.... American women also take themselves too seriously and are annoyingly confrontational.”

In the end, Mr. Safran’s observation is that American women are gorgeous but without social grace; British women are fug-buttly but a great person to have a pint with.

Oh my dear sweet baby Moses watching Baby Einstein DVDs. And to think, so many of the chick-lit books I read a few years ago featured British protagonists getting makeovers, losing weight, reinventing themselves physically, and winning a guy in the end for their efforts when he realized that the stellar character within was finally matched by a Hawtty McBod without.

For the life of me, I can’t figure out why this guy felt the need to pen this missive of manfoolishness unless he’s trying to embark on a vow of celibacy, and wanted to make sure no nubile young women from either country tried to tempt him out of his sexless mission. Holy cow.

So - can there be a happy ending for this dude? Or shall we devise new methods of torture to pay him back for his careful and careless analysis of American and British ladies?

My personal fantasy: this man meets a Southern belle and has his ass handed to him in the most politely cutting manner possible by someone who is breathtakingly polished and utterly uninterested in him. Bless his heart.

FreeRice is raising awareness of world hunger and raising a shitload of money to feed starving people. And the whole idea was cooked up by a dad who was trying to help his son study for the SATs. It takes an awesome sort of person to add “rice” and “vocabulary” and come up with a huge addiction website for me. Now people are using the site to learn vocabulary and learn English.

Now that just gave me a huge case of the warm fuzzies. Right before bedtime, too. 

It’s time for a Very Special Good Shit vs. Shit to Avoid, which is also partly a “Help a Bitch Out” request as well. Bitchery Reader L is on bedrest going through hellacious chemotherapy. The drugs have weakened her legs to the point where walking is painful, and so she’s staring at her bedroom walls for way, WAY too much time while she attempts to Kick Cancer’s Ass.

So! She has a request of the well-read and brilliant Bitchery: we’re looking for total escape romance, the kind that sucks you in and pulls you into another world, preferably one with a superb happy ending. We need your favorite “removes me from my present location immediately” romance reads because bed rest + chemo = NEED FOR GOOD BOOKS. L adds regarding the Bitchery:

They are so incredibly smart well-read in the romance area and I suspect other areas as well. If they have any recommendations of funny laugh-out-loud Regencies , I’d really be a happy camper. To give you an idea I love love love Loretta Chase and have read every one of her books, but unfortunately she doesn’t write fast enough.

Bring it on! We’re looking for the very best in uplifting, happy, happy, joy, joy, funny, funny romance. I’m going to open the suggestions to all subgenres, not just Regencies, so as to compile a longer collection list of romance that makes your day better. So please let us know the subgenre of your suggestion.

And special message to L: kick ass, take names, and I wish you many, many happy new years. 

A friend of mine who was gently skeptical about romance novels expressed an interest in trying out one that I thought was especially good. Based on what I knew about her (she wanted something fairly lighthearted and escapist, and she can’t abide stupid heroines), I gave her a copy of Lord of Scoundrels.

She just wrote to me--she liked it! Stayed up reading way too late for two nights, even. BOO YAH and happy dancing all around.

I’m now plotting a strategic gift package of other smart romance novels that aren’t too horribly angsty and that feature strong, capable heroines. (Though I’m now afraid I might’ve spoiled her--Jessica Trent and Sebastian Dain are a difficult act to follow.) Here’s a short list:

1. Midsummer Moon by Laura Kinsale.
2. To Love and the Cherish by Patricia Gaffney
3. Miss Wonderful by Loretta Chase
4. Mr. Impossible by Loretta Chase
5. Anyone but You by Jennifer Crusie (if she likes Crusie’s style, oh man is she going to be inundated with suggestions)
6. Wild at Heart by Patricia Gaffney

I’m also contemplating giving her one of Sharon Shinn’s Samaria novels.

I’m really happy she gave Lord of Scoundrels a chance, because she picked up my copy of Decadent by Shayla Black (which I need to review after finals) and she was stunned at how terrible it was.

All About Romance has had discussions in the past about conversion kits--books you’d give to a skeptic to show them that underneath all that man-titty and heaving bosomage is a genre worth reading and exploring. What’s in YOUR kit?