by SB Sarah • Friday, February 15, 2008 at 08:30 AM
Whilst I total up the Texas Kitty votes, enjoy a brief interview with Sebastian Stuart.
Who is Sebastian Stuart? He’s the author of a few books, most notably Charm!
, as the ghostwriter behind Kendall Hart’s fast-track novel from All My Children. When Mr. Stuart left a comment here in the original entry about the book, I contacted him because, well, as usual, I’m a curious, nosy woman.
Sebastian was kind enough to answer my questions about the writing process, and told me that as of this coming Sunday Charm!will be on the New York Times bestseller list.
Did you have to take a crash course in the plot (or plots!) of All My Children?
Sebastian Stuart: I did have to take a bit of a crash course in AMC. I watched it, I met with Megan McTavish, who was then the headwriter, and I spoke with some fans of the show. But the plot is all mine. In truth, I found the show a bit confusing—there is just SO MUCH going on, and I had a hard time figuring who was who, who had slept with who, and who was related to who. So I tried to put myself in Kendall’s shoes (not literally!) and write what I thought was her emotional truth. I had a great time writing the book—my primary goal is always to entertain.
As a writer, and, judging from your initial comment, you appear to be one who pays attention to the craft of writing quite closely, is it more or less difficult to write a fictional work based on characters and story threads that are not of your creation?
Sebastian Stuart: Writing is never easy, for me at least. I consider it my job to adapt to the demands of a specific assignment, to be flexible and responsive. Charm! was a first for me in that it was related to a TV show. Once I had watched the show long enough to capture its “feel” and get a sense of who Kendall was, I sat down and wrote Charm! as stand-alone entertainment. I’ll let the show’s fans ponder the parallels between the book and the show – and I hope they have a lot of fun doing so!’
Many of our readers are writers with multiple pseudonyms writing in multiple genres, and some have talked about pieces of clothing or pieces of music they use to tap into the writing voice of their different identities. Writing as Kendall Hart, did you have a process to “get into her head” or invoke her voice?
Sebastian Stuart: What a terrific question! What helped me most was talking to a couple of Kendall’s fans and hearing their subjective impressions of her. What came across most strongly were her drive, her moxie, and her cunning. This is a woman who goes after what she wants. I just kept that in my mind – and in my gut—at all times as I wrote.
Have you ghost written before?
Sebastian Stuart: I’ve done a lot of ghostwriting, and my last novel—24-Karat Kids 
—was co-written with Park Avenue pediatrician Dr. Judy Goldstein. I’ve ghostwritten business books, political books, self-help books – you name. I’ve always written plays and screenplays. My first novel was a psychological thriller, The Mentor
. I’ve just finished a mystery set in New York State’s fascinating and beautiful Hudson Valley.
You’ve written previously about affluent microcosms in society; was a soap opera family that much of a stretch from the Upper East Side?
Sebastian Stuart: I set Charm! in Manhattan because I grew up there and I have an instinctive feel for the city. Once I started writing, I concentrated on Avery Wilkins and her struggles and romances. The drive for wealth and success is more interesting and dramatic then wealth itself. The same is true of romance – a happy couple is a lot less interesting and dramatic than a conflicted one. You see a lot of the same dynamics on the Upper East Side as you do in Pine Valley.
You mentioned that you interviewed the former head writer of the show and the fans, and that you watched a good amount of AMC. Which worked for you in terms of understanding the characters you were writing?
Sebastian Stuart: Talking to the fans was the most helpful. The show has a long and complicated history and I just didn’t have enough time to get up to speed on everyone. The headwriter at the time, Megan McTavish, is a fascinating gal who truly understands what soap fans want, and talking to her was very helpful. I hope fans of the show enjoy the book, but I also hope it’s fun for folks who’ve never watched. It’s filled with bad behavior, sex, drugs, betrayal—and perfume!
Thanks to Mr. Stuart for answering my nebby questions. As I wrote in my reply to his email, I’m fascinated by ghost writing, and by the idea of creating a work of fiction from the voice of a fictional character created by an entirely different team of writers. Thank you very, very much. It’s refreshing to talk with a writer who so enjoys and respects the pure craft of writing, and doesn’t judge any one type as greater or lesser than another.
by SB Sarah • Friday, February 15, 2008 at 02:00 AM
There are only so many important elections you can vote in this year, particularly in the US, and this is definitely one of them: post your vote in the comments for which entry wins our Name that Sex Toy contest. Comments on that entry close at 10:00 am EST.
by SB Sarah • Thursday, February 14, 2008 at 03:44 PM
Thanks to Michelle Styles and Cat Marters, my Bitchery correspondents from across the pond, I have a link that gave Candy and myself a good half-hour of enjoyment. Seems the RNA has voted amongst its membership to come up with the perfect romantic heroes. Details? But of course!
Members of the Romantic Novelists’ Association have voted Johnny Depp as the Number One Perfect Romantic Hero in a poll to mark Valentine’s Day. According to these authors, a romantic hero should be gorgeous, deliciously sexy, intensely masculine and have a commanding presence.
‘We should be qualified to judge,’ one writer commented. ‘After all, we create these heroes on paper every day.’
The top ten male celebrities voted the Perfect Romantic Hero were:
1. Johnny Depp
2. Daniel Craig
3. Sean Bean
4. Richard Armitage
5. Hugh Jackman
6. Colin Firth
7. Alan Rickman
8. Pierce Brosnan
9. George Clooney
10. David Tennant
A second poll, taken by members of the RNA bravely admitting to being ‘over a certain age’, voted for male celebrities over fifty who’ve ‘still got it’. Remarkable for his appearance on both polls, Pierce Brosnan took the crown for the over fifties by a huge margin.
The top ten Over-Fifty Perfect Romantic Heroes were:
1. Pierce Brosnan
2. Harrison Ford
3. Ranulph Fiennes
4. Bill Nighy
5. Liam Neeson
6. Sam Neill
7. Sean Connery
8. Peter O’Toole
9. Clint Eastwood
10. Omar Sharif
Sarah: I can think of many dudes who would make a better romantic hero than some of these fellows.
And what is up with the homogenized list o’ white dudes?
Candy: I <3 Johnny Depp as much as the next girl. I mean, I've had a hard-on for him for over 20 years. But "intensely masculine"? Dude, part of the reason why he's so hot is because he flirts heavily with androgyny and masculine stereotypes.
And yeah, most of these guys seem to be "sensitive character actor" types. Were they specifically looking at actors?
Hot non-white actors:
Andy Lau (bitch, you knew this was coming)
Takeshi Kaneshiro (you knew this was coming, too)
Chow Yuen Fat
Jet Li
Denzel Washington (who in their right mind doesn't think he's hot?)
Omar Epps
Lawrence Fishburne (he's really not my physical type--too big and burly--but something about his physicality is tres sexy)
Tyrese (I haven't seen him in any good movies, really, but for sheer eye candy.... Goddamn.)
Also: if Morgan Freeman weren't old enough to be my grandfather, I'd totally hit it. Hard.
Sarah: I see you on Omar Epps, and totally knew Andy Lau was coming (hur) even though his spangly silver pants scare me a little.
I raise you (hur hur):
Alejandro Sanz (hot guitarist)
Javier Bardem
Alejandro Fernández
And hell, if we’re talking Of a Certain Age, Clint Eastwood is fine.
And the reason Depp is hot is exactly as you say: he preserves his masculinity while playing with lithe androgyny.
Heck, let’s not limit it to guys - what about heroines? There are some truly heroic and stunning women out there, too.
Candy: Katee Sackhoff
Laura Prepon
Emma Thompson
Helena Bonham-Carter
Hmmm. Not too many other names are coming to mind, because most actresses are thin to the point of looking wasted, which isn’t attractive to me. I tend to like my girls a bit more muscular. (Bonham-Carter is scary-thin, except she’s incredibly talented and has this mild edge of HOLYSHITCRAZY, which is hot. It’s the same thing with PJ Harvey.)
Sarah: I could stare at Keira Knightley, except I wish that she didn’t disappear when she turns sideways. It’s a shame, that part.
And dude. Catherine Deneuve must be the proof of alien life the Scientologists have been looking for, because she’s so ineffably stunning. Gives me hope that I may age 1/1000th as gracefully.
So who is your hero or heroine of choice? Pics, links, bring ‘em on!
by SB Sarah • Thursday, February 14, 2008 at 08:45 AM
Thanks to the 5th U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals, Texans can have their sex toys back. Hooray!
So - a Smart Bitch Contest ahoy! Name that Texas Vibrator! (Doesn’t that sound almost like a Harlequin Presents title?)
Post your entry in the comments. Vote for your favorite, again, in the comments.
Winner shall receive: An Actual Vibrator!
Thanks to Teddy Pig, I have hidden in my china cabinet (no, that’s not a euphemism) a genuine, bonafide adorably pink Hello Kitty “personal massager.”
Whosoever posts the best name for a Texas Vibrator as voted on by the Bitchery shall win their very own “personal massager” - and you can interpret the terms “Texas” and “Vibrator” however you want. If you mention biscuit-lovin’ cowboys, more power to you - hmmmm hah!
I will ship just about anywhere, except the Mir space station (sorry, floating folks), so get creative, no matter where you’re located. Entries and voting begin now, and comments and voting will close tomorrow at 8am Eastern time.
Ready, set, go!
by SB Sarah • Thursday, February 14, 2008 at 07:27 AM
What a shame - no boudoir pictures in the Washington Post today. Who wants to post a pic of their hot hot romance bedroom here? Lemme know.
But in case your thoughts aren’t turning to the bedroom (and I’ll admit: mine are. I’m so sleep deprived I’d commit a felony for three extra hours of sleep) here are a hodgepodge of links and funny for your amusement.
If you are in a mind for pictures, here’s a rather fun contest: Where in the World is The Spymaster’s Lady? Take your copy of the hunkalicious man-titty that is wrapped around the awesome that is Joanna Bourne’s The Spymaster’s Lady 
and take a picture of it in “an interesting location.” Note: I reviewed the book awhile back and gave it an A-. I love this book like merde and mon dieu (tm Nathalie Gray) and even if the most exotic place you read it is in your bathtub, it’s STILL worth reading. But for a signed copy and a book thong? Hang off the roof by your toes with your copy, by all means!
Bourne is judging the entries, so there’s plenty of room for creativity. Winners get a signed copy of the book plus a pink bejeweled book thong (that’s not a euphemism). The entry I linked to says the deadline is Feb. 16th but I hear from good authority that the deadline will be extended to Feb. 28th so many more folks can get snappy and creative.
My copy is an ARC that’s currently in the wrecked construction site that is my basement so alas, my entry won’t impress anyone, unless the idea of dust is a big turn-on.
Bitchery reader Taylor, from the hot, dry, sexxorific locale that is Iraq, sends this story that made my hoerk coffee up my nose:
I’m in Iraq as a civilian contractor and the holidays out here can be a bit depressing. However, one of my friends got a fantastic Valentine’s Day gift from his wife.
A Clone-A-Willy kit.
Apparently she misses him so much that she sent him a the kit so he can make a dildo of his own penis for her. And, just in case he can’t keep the 2 minute hard-on necessary for the mold to set, she also sent him a vibrating cock ring.
Now that is some red hot lovin’ right there. Although, I wonder if the poor thing knows she has opened her Hubby to a whole world of humor among his pals.
On the eve of Valentine’s Day comes good news out of Texas in a link courtesy of Azteclady and Michelle: a federal appeals court has overturned a Texas law forbidding the sale of sex toys. Women all over Texas sigh in pleasured relief.
I personally love Texas, particularly because the state brews the best beer ever, but wow. That law needed to be spanked. Hard.
Michelle said it best: “So now us bitches can play with our toys. Nice V-Day prezzie, huh?” Agreed. Everyone’s V should be celebrating in Texas today. Pass me a Shiner.
What better way to celebrate all that chocolate-coated lovernating than to also celebrate a birthday? RomanceNovel.tv was born one year ago today (how appropriate!) and one year later things are pretty damn awesome - and no, I’m not just talking about Candy’s and my videos, though they are hot, especially when you get Candy going on the joys of discovering that oral sex is REAL OMG.
Maria and Marissa are very quiet and behind-the-scenes about the whole thing, but I know that their efforts to launch romancenovel.tv require a great deal of personal time, generosity, long hours and a true love of the genre. From one fan of romance to pair of class acts: Happy Birthday and Happy Valentine’s Day.
And thanks for putting such an attractive out-take of me in your video. I’m going to go hide under my desk now.
And finally: fun stuff!
Miri has dedicated cupcake toppers of awesome to us for Valentine’s Day. “Where’s my actual cupcake?!” is the second thought that crossed my mind, right after, “AWESOME!”
Ever wondered why guys from Jersey are so damn cool? Some of them are exceptionally talented illustrators who design romance cover art for Harlequin.
And speaking of, they’re offering a free mini e-Book today plus a huge selection of books are 25% off, so load up your eBook reader and have a lovely weekend.
by SB Sarah • Wednesday, February 13, 2008 at 10:47 AM
In the 90’s I read a category romance, likely something that someone bought for me. I can’t remember the title or the authors name (what else is new?) but here are the details:
1. The heroine meets the hero when she buys a red sportscar from him - a Thunderbird, complete with hood logo. She’s an older woman with a teenage daughter, and the heroine is busy reinventing herself - hence sportscar.
2. The hero is younger, of Scots descent and a regular in the Highland games. He definitely tosses a caber - in both senses, baby, yeah.
3. The heroine’s daughter teases her mom (they have a healthy relationship, wtf?) and says the future children should be called Mac Nuggets. I think “Mac” was part of his name, but I could be wrong.
Anyone remember this book?
by SB Sarah • Wednesday, February 13, 2008 at 08:46 AM
Oprah is offering a free PDF download of Suze Orman’s book Women & Money: Owning the Power to Control Your Destiny
from now until 8pm eastern time, February 14, 2008.
My download does not seem to have any massive security features attached to it, from what I can tell. And from the “We’re Relying on Good Heartedness” department comes this warning on Oprah’s site:
This book is copyrighted. You may view and download the file, but you may not copy the file or share or forward it to any other person.
This reminds me of a scene in Jumpin’ Jack Flash with Whoopie Goldberg wherein she uses a payphone for too long and the operator calls the phone asking for another quarter: “You want a quarter? FIND me in New York for your fucking quarter.” What’s stopping me from passing the PDF to everyone in my address book? Nothing - except for my opinion that Suze Orman’s advice financial advice isn’t worth much.
With discussions on piracy that are 300+ comments fresh in my mind, I have to ask, what’s the motivation to take a risk that someone, or many someones, will forward this book on to all and sundry? This download seems to be constructed of a curious mix of generosity, publicity, and experimentation.
by SB Sarah • Wednesday, February 13, 2008 at 07:43 AM
If your man thought he was getting some Valentine’s Day nookie, Entertainment Weekly has a look back at the golden age of comic book luuuuuuuurve™ that will chill your fires. Oh, the pulp subtext: if you put out before marriage? You’re going to HELL.
Cue the Georgia Satellites’ “Keep Your Hands To Yourself” and have a look at the classic comic book covers that spell disaster for any nookie-minded pointy-boobed lady. Especially if you were “a ballerina without love,” or a woman who “pushed him away and ...couldn’t recognize my own…false values of love!”
Graceful curtsy to Erin for the link.
by SB Sarah • Tuesday, February 12, 2008 at 11:11 AM
Kate the Hoosier Librarian forwarded me a link that frankly has me dumbfounded.
A fictional soap opera character has penned a romance novel which is now for sale on Amazon.com.
No, wait, it gets better. According to Kate:
The character, Kendall [Hart, Erika Kane’s daughter], had written the novel, but didn’t plan on having it published. Her friend, Greenlee, found it and submitted it to a friend who worked for a publisher. Six weeks later, the novel is released. (Yeah, the ridiculousness of how quickly and easily this has all happened has been driving me crazy.) When Kendall first spoke with the representative of the publisher she was told that the book was about to go to press, despite the fact that no deal had been negotiated and no contracts had been signed. There was no editing process, the book was published as written.) On today’s episode, Kendall is on her way to Chicago for a book signing.
I was reviewing the timeline and it goes something like this:
Thanksgiving to Christmas: Kendall writes entire novel, her first (were they inspired by NaNoRiMo?)
Around New Years, possibly after: Greenlee finds the manuscript and sends it to publisher friend
Within a few days: book is going to press
Before Valentine’s Day: book is in stores and Kendall is doing an author tour
Man, when’s the RWA session on that publishing path? Who runs it, Montgomery Scott? Because, dude, I am so there.
The 288-page hardcover, issued by Hyperion, is described on Amazon as “[d]ramatic, sexy, and fun, Charm! is a wickedly entertaining roman a clef by All My Children favorite Kendall Hart. Brimming with scandal, romance, backstabbing, and unpredictable twists, it is every bit as shocking and captivating as the character who wrote it.”
Kate asked two very important questions: first, am I planning to read it? No, but I don’t watch AMC or any other soaps so I think a lot of the book would be lost on me. Second, do I know who actually wrote it? Nope, I sure don’t, but am damn curious. Anyone out there know who ghost-wrote Kendall Hart’s dishy novel?
by SB Sarah • Tuesday, February 12, 2008 at 07:46 AM
Cat Marsters emailed me a very interesting question, one that I hadn’t considered: what romances do you know of that feature sane exes?
Usually, the ex is a horror show, either a monstrous vindictive batshit crazy lady with an array of romance shorthand markers for shallowness, such as an obsession over nail polish (read: claws/talons), an over-attentive focus on her looks (read: vanity) or just a cold, calulating beauty (read: she’s evil).
As Cat puts it:
Why is the ex always a) a thousand times more beautiful than anyone else, including the heroine, and b) why is she completely evil? Not just I-hate-you-after-the-divorce angry, but totally-unhinged fount-of-all-evil-since-dawn-of-time eeevill!!
Quite apart from my total pet peeve on the hysterically jealous beautiful = eeevill!! equation (so you hate her on sight because she’s prettier than you? Gosh, what a mature, well-rounded adult you are), I’m getting really fed up with the automatic shorthand of ex = eeevill!! It’s just rent-a-villain. If she was so damn evil, why was he engaged/married/shagging her rotten in the first place? Are we to believe this paragon of manly virtues is really that susceptible to a pretty face? Especially when our heroine is less attractive than the ex? Yes, it’s realistic he’s dazzled by the red lips and giant bazoombas, but I’m sorry, but I don’t buy him as wonderful hero material. I buy him as a shallow jerk (now that’s realism). And what about our heroine whose horrible-but-gorgeous fiancé was screwing her over? Couldn’t she see he was just a giant ass with a pretty face (I’ll let you enjoy that image).
Aren’t there any books out there that have a hero (or heroine) with an ex who isn’t 100% evil? Dead spouses don’t count. Can’t we have a mature ex-girlfriend who doesn’t wish painful death on her replacement?
While I was typing up this entry, Cat emailed me back:
OMG! I just remembered. Jill Mansell can do this. She writes very complicated used-to-be-married but-then-fell-for-your-brother whose-daughter-I-adopted then-she-married-your-new-wife’s-son type relationships, which take some keeping track of, but the exes in her book tend to be more...well, sane. Sometimes they’re even friendly. In one, there was a Jerry Hall/Mick Jagger type next-door thing going on, and the ex ended up with the heroine’s sister.
It’s rare, isn’t it, the normal, we-broke-up ex? There’s not much drama in it, and it forces the tension and potential antagonism to find another route since that easy shorthand of “beautiful ex = eeeebil” inaccessbile.
Sometimes that shorthand is used to build the nobility of the character, who despite the relationship being over, still cares for or takes care of the ex in question. There was one book I read a while back wherein the hero is constantly taking care of his ex-girlfriend, who is beautiful but utterly mentally unhinged and keeps taking her clothes off in his backyard. Of course, now I’m wondering what book it was. (I’m one big HaBO I swear.)
The Mentally Stable and Not Evil Ex is a rare find in romance, in my experience. The stable ex means that the hero/heroine has had sex with someone else, has had a healthy relationship with someone else, and has ended that relationship for whatever reason. Does stability in a protagonist’s past relationships, and the fact that those relationships fizzled, somehow cast doubt on the S/He’s The One-ness of the relationship detailed in the romance? Is there such thing as enough reassurance in the “we’re just friends” and “you’re the one for me” departments such that it satisfies any doubts on the part of the reader? Or do readers by and large prefer as much as possible a virginal sexual past for the heroine, and a virginal emotional past for the hero?
What about y’all? Have you read or enjoyed a book wherein the ex was normal, functional, and maybe even casual friends with the hero or heroine? Or does the idea that either the hero or the heroine may have had sex and a stable relationship with someone else who is potentially likeable turn you off as a reader that you prefer your protagonists to have either an unstable ex history or no ex history at all?
by SB Sarah • Monday, February 11, 2008 at 10:46 AM
Our Grade:
Title: Devil's Embrace
Author: Catherine Coulter
Publication Info: Signet January 2, 2008, ISBN: 0451223314
Genre: Historical: European
I’m currently at page 216 of a book that I had to talk about it to someone. I first tried to talk with my husband about it, but he doesn’t read romances and can’t really get into a conversation about the merits (or lack there of) of one. So I emailed Candy and Sarah to see if they’d read it. Neither of them has, but Sarah thought that my take on it might be of interest, so here we are.
The book is Devil’s Embrace, by Catherine Coulter. According to the back of the book, it was originally published in 1982. Also, according to the back cover, Coulter “updated it stylistically, edited it, trimmed it just a bit, and the art department designed a splendid new cover that magically includes some of the original artwork.” I will say now that I’ve never read the original, so I don’t know how much of what I have to say only pertains to this reissued version. I also want to firmly establish the fact that I like Coulter’s writing a great deal and own several of her books at this very moment. If it wasn’t for the fact that I like her books so much, I wouldn’t have succumbed to the lure of this book, sitting in the grocery store, all shiny and inexpensive, whispering “You know you don’t have anything new to read at home right now…” when a saner voice was trying to remind me that “first” books from favorite authors, especially from the early 1980s, are often a bit of a disappointment.
I wish that “a bit of a disappointment” were the extent of this book’s problems.
I know that the whole captor-captive rape fantasy was a big part of the romances in the 1980s. And, hey, I can get behind a rape fantasy or two. I didn’t mind the Johanna Lindsey one with the pirate and the platinum blond too much and I distinctly remember liking me some sheikh/captive books back in the day. For that matter, Suzanne Forster’s Blush (1996) and her Innocence (1997) played with the whole captor-captive theme and those books were hot enough to scorch your fingers.
But this book...wow.
It starts out with this guy, Edward, coming home from the Army because he has to assume the title. He’s a Viscount. There’s a girl, Cassandra, aka Cassie, and she’s loved him and planned to marry him since she was about 8 years old. They’ve been exchanging letters, secretly, since she was 15 and he first went away. (Well, it wasn’t a secret from her brother, just from her governess/companion.) Cassie likes to sail her own little sailboat, fish in the ocean, and swim in the ocean (with no chaperone and in a shift, of course, because so many well-bred women of her time did). When Edward comes home finally, his first sight of her is her coming out of the ocean, with her shift all wet and transparent. Before he finds out that it’s Cassie, he’s thinking that he wants a piece of that. *cue ominous music* Well, after he finds out, he still wants a piece of that but since she’s a lady and he’s planning to marry her, he can’t have any of that until they’re legally wedded. So, she flat out tells him that since he’s home now and she’s 18, they’re getting married. He’s onboard with that and asks her brother, who’s thrilled. The only person not happy about is the woman who’s been like a mother to her, Cassie’s governess/companion, who dislikes the Viscount intensely for no obvious reason. *cue more ominous music, only with more strings--probably cellos* She’s been like a mother to Cassie because Cassie’s mother died in childbirth. (The dad kicked off, too, but it’s not very clear about when that happened.)
So, things are going well. Cassie’s happy to be marrying the man she loves and she’s pretty interested in the whole sexual vibe between them. Edward’s happy to marrying the woman he loves and he’s pretty interested in the whole sexual vibe between them. The brother is happy that his sister is happy. Only governess/companion is unhappy and trying to talk Cassie into delaying the whole thing.
This is the first 35-40 pages of the book.
Then, the day before Cassie’s wedding, the governess/companion suggests Cassie get some fresh air. She takes her little boat out to do just that when she sees a much larger yacht named The Cassandra (Hello? Clue?? Anyone??). When said yacht nearly swamps her little boat and then captures it, she’s sure she’s about to be taken by white slavers. But who should jump aboard her ship from The Cassandra? Why, it’s the kindly gentleman who was a friend of the family for as long as she can remember, Anthony Welles, Earl of Claire. Hurray! He isn’t a white slaver! He’s the man who aided her brother when their father died. He’s the man she’s always considered an “indulgent uncle”. Apparently, he’s also the man who was desperately in lust with her mother even though she was about 6 years older than him and when he went to find her again, found her very married and very pregnant (and then she had the discourtesy as to die, apparently). He’s the man who, when he saw Cassie at 14 and saw that she was the “image of her mother”, he was “drawn” to her. When she was 17, he decided he had to have her for himself. He’s the man who has apparently been paying the governess/companion to rear Cassie to his specifications (he’s half Italian and she’s been taught Italian, etc.) and to help him kidnap her. He’s the man that forces her onto his yacht and then destroys her boat on the rocks so everyone will think she is dead. To sum up, he’s a crazy, obsessed, stalker who couldn’t get the mother so he’s transferred his crazy, obsessed stalker-y to the daughter. He’s the pseudo-uncle, so he’s crazy, obsessed, stalker-y pseudo-incest guy! He’s 34; she’s 18! When he first decided that Cassie was his, he was 30 years old and she was 14!! He’s crazy, obsessed, stalker-y, pseudo-incest-y, pedophile guy!! He tells her that he’s taking her to Italy and they are getting married, despite any objections she might have to the whole scenario and that’s that. After all, she’ll “come to understand”.
She says repeatedly that she hates him and that she wants him dead when she’s not trying to fight him off physically and he basically thinks it’s cute. She says that she loves Edward, has always loved Edward, and won’t ever feel anything but hate for this guy and he tells her that “her turbulent girl’s infatuation for” the Viscount would not have lasted. If he were the villain, I could live with this, but this guy is the hero?? Then he rapes her because “to allow [her] to continue in [her] virgin state would be the height of foolishness, for it would encourage [her] to nourish unfounded hopes” and we’re supposed to think he’s a good guy because he used some sort of lubricant! And then....then he lets her steer his yacht. You know, because she loves to sail and because, of course, Edward would never let her sail once they’re married (not that he ever said that, mind you, we’re just supposed to take Lord Creepy Uncle’s word for it). And of course, she starts to relax her guard some--the day after he raped her--because he let her steer the boat! And then he rapes her again that night and she can’t help but come all over him—because passion is a mighty force that cannot be denied between some people (per Lord Creepy Uncle).
The last straw for me was when she woke up the third morning, feeling guilty for betraying Edward by responding to Lord Creepy Uncle and ponders whether she was ever really sexually attracted to Edward or if she’d just been “curious”. Okay, in all honesty, that was only the first of the “last straws” for me because I keep getting sucked back in to see if it is going to get worse. Then I hit another “last straw”, put it down for a couple of days, and come back. Which is why I’m stalled at page 216.
One of the major problems is the characterization. Cassie is plot-dumb and it drives me crazy when a character is blindly stupid and incurious whenever the plot necessitates her to be blindly stupid and incurious. For example, Lord Creepy Uncle is the one to tell her, all smugly and prideful, when she’s pregnant! (Because how else could we yet again affirm that Cassie is all that is innocence and light if she actually figured out for herself, “Hmmmmmm, I’m throwing up constantly for no obvious reason but I feel fine in the afternoon. He only lets me wear my nightgown when I’m on my period and I haven’t worn one in forever! We’ve had sex every day, sometimes several times a day, and the governess/companion did have that embarrassing sex talk with me before I was kidnapped, and I was raised in the country…” If the girl got hit any harder with the Clue Bat, she’d be concussed!) Even more maddening, Cassie doesn’t once go--"How did he know I was going to be out today? How does he know about the letters I was secretly exchanging with Edward while he was away in the Army? How did he know what size I wear to fill the closets with all of these sumptuous clothes? The governess/companion insisted I learn Italian--what a coincidence I was captured by a man who is half Italian and plans to take me to Italy! The governess/companion sent me out for “fresh air” the day before the wedding to a man that she hates for no reason and look who shows up!” Mind you, she remarks on all of this whenever yet another glaringly obvious clue smacks her in the face but she is seemingly incapable of following up on these questions, even in her own head, before she is--OH LOOK! SHINY!
Also, it just irritates the hell out of me that I’m supposed to believe the rapacious Earl as a hero and all of this as so very romantic. Are you kidding me?? He is one of the most unlikable “heroes” I’ve ever encountered! It’s not just his actions, it’s his attitude and what he says and whenever he’s on the page, I just wish that someone with more brains (and maybe more balls) would smash his face in! And it often appears that Coulter realized that he wasn’t likable and that it was very easy to draw unwanted comparisons to the Arabic pirate/slaver villain in the book because even dumb-as-a-post Cassie notices this. That would at least explain the random scene at the dinner party where Cassie sits in on a business meeting between Anthony and one of his shipping partners. The partner feels that they can recoup some losses by shipping and selling slaves in the Colonies. Cassie makes some mighty smart-mouthed remarks (because it’s necessary to prove that she’s as spirited/feisty/yadda yadda yadda as the hero often states that she is) and then offers a brilliant solution for recouping some of those losses without shipping/selling slaves (because it’s time to show she’s actually as intelligent as the hero often states she is—and what better way than having an 18-year old who thinks being in trade is beneath someone of their class and who has never been exposed to anything to do with trade, in general, and shipping, specifically, be some sort of idiot-savant with the perfect idea of what to do?). When the business partner concedes that this is, indeed, a brilliant solution that he himself never even considered (because he has to be plot-stupid, too, if this scene is going to work) but that it won’t make as much money as slaving would, Good Ole Lord Creepy Uncle says that they will leave the slaving to “other, less scrupulous” men. See! He’s really a Good Guy! He’s not like that pirate/slaver with the Arabic name and the harem slave girls! He won’t trade slaves—just stalk and kidnap girls! And only this one girl! And he’s only letting the people who love her think she’s dead for a while—just until she agrees to marry him and settles into her new life! If he were the villain and I knew that he was going to die some horrible death like, maybe, she shoots him in the head, feeds him to sharks and steers his yacht off into the sunset, it wouldn’t bother me nearly as much. In fact, she does shoot him once. She wounds him while trying to escape, even though she desperately doesn’t want to, because he’s not such a bad man! (For an asshole?) But when he jumps into the ocean after her, he begins to flounder because she wounded him and she is so overwhelmed by guilt and concern that the stupid twit rescues him! And then she nurses him back to health!
Perhaps you’ve thought, “Okay, maybe his crew is blindly loyal to him and they wouldn’t help her, despite how they all instantly lurvvvve her and admire her and call her “Madonna” (because she’s so completely and instantly captivating by all who see her, except for anyone that might actually want to help her). But the girl speaks Italian! Why wouldn’t she tell someone, like her maid (who lurvvvveeesss her) or the housekeeper (who is nasty to her because she thinks Cassie is a dirty whore for cohabitating without marriage with the Lord)?” Because the plot says she doesn’t!
And perhaps you noticed when I was talking about the business meeting that Cassie was at a dinner party, presumably with other highborn people who might be appalled that Lord Creepy Uncle kidnapped and repeatedly raped her, a Lady? How did that work, you might say? Well, he gave her a new boat to make up for the one he smashed. It’s on a small lake, so she can’t actually go anywhere, but he gave her a boat. And she gushed and mewled because, you know, it’s a boat! And she loves to sail and fish! Because that’s just the kind of plucky girl she is! All she has to do to keep the boat is to not say anything about this situation (and, because she’s still refusing to marry him, allow everyone to think that she’s his mistress that he’s moved in)! And she does! Because the plot requires it!
Oh, and we’re supposed to believe that Edward, her Viscount fiancé, is a bad man (at least not hero material) because he might object to her sailing by herself? Also, he ogled her when he saw her from a distance in a wet, nearly-transparent shift and thought she was just some girl from town and he slept with another woman a week before he went home to see Cassie again. Of course, we’re never actually shown any reason why this man isn’t the man for her or why she should forget him or even why the Earl is a better match for her. Edward slept with someone else! Apparently, the fact that he can even consider sex with someone else besides Cassie is the Big Sign that he’s not the True and Everlasting Love. Nevermind that Lord Anthony has his own mistress—excuse me, former mistress—just waiting back home to be mean to his “bride”. Oh, and of course, the former mistress is having villain-sex with the Earl’s half-brother because we must establish firmly that she wasn’t just promiscuous enough to voluntarily sleep with the Earl, she’s such a slut, she will sex up the brother too. Because she’s BAD! Bad and evil! Because all beautiful, sexy, sexual, confident, independently wealthy, widowed women are bad. Those traits, after all, are sure signs of her vast insecurities, insecurities that will no doubt lead to bitter jealousy, various vile acts, and probably death.
When I told my husband about this book and about how much I hated the hero, he said that maybe Edward does come to the rescue in the end. I told him that the back cover indicates that this is the Couple--and besides, Lord Creepy Uncle got her virginity and, by canon, he who get-eth the virginity get-eth the hero status. Candy reminded me that the true clincher was that Cassie came all over the Earl the second time he raped her because he who makes her come, gets the prize. She’s right—Anthony deflowered Cassie and made her come, so she’s pretty much done for. Because the heroine must never have good sex with anyone other than her One True and Everlasting Love. It’s the “tell”. She can have truly horrifying sexual experiences that leave her emotionally and psychologically scarred and she can have sex that is so lackluster as to be nearly inconsequential (with previous husbands in historicals or previous boyfriends in contemporaries) but orgasms only happen with True and Everlasting guy.
Despite my ranting above, for a first book, the story pacing isn’t too bad and the prose only hits the occasional shades of lavender. The dialogue clunks a bit here and there, but again, first book. Stylistically, it wouldn’t bother me too much and if I were to give it a grade just based on that, I’d probably give it a C. However, in terms of content, this is one of the worst romances I’ve ever read--or maybe it’s worse for me because I generally really like her stuff and this is such a disappointment. I don’t know. I do know that the heroine is stupid and the hero should be fed to sharks.
So, D-
~Tina
by SB Sarah • Monday, February 11, 2008 at 10:18 AM
Thanks to many awesome authors across the pond, I have pictures of the Mills & Boon 100th Anniversary cocktail party, featuring Butlers in the Buff. These butlers in the M&B pics were not so in-the-buff as they are in other photos of said butlers. Were they indeed naked covered by an apron?
Thanks to Michelle Styles, we have this lovely picture of a very fortunate Liz Fielding, who appears to be having a splendid time. Styles reports that Fielding attracted a lot of buff butlery attention.
Styles also tells me that the party itself was incredibly glam, “the sort of thing one might read about in a Presents.” But ho, what news from yonder party breaks?
Seems Mills & Boon has a new tie-in to Rugby Union. Similar to the NASCAR tie-in, a variety of authors will be writing rugby romances.
Now, as someone who is completely mystified by both rugby and cricket, I say, BRING IT ON. Because that is a HOT idea, and if it doesn’t cross the pond, you’ll hear a lot more SB Sarah cursing the exchange rate as she orders piles of Rugby romances.
by SB Sarah • Monday, February 11, 2008 at 09:15 AM
Bitchery reader Emily is headed off to Senegal with the Peace Corps (Go, Emily Go!) and is trying to find some reading material to glom before she goes, including this book she cannot find:
I can’t figure this one out and need your help. I read this book – it actually wasn’t very good, but the plot had some real promise – set in Boston about a romance between a female magazine writer and a NBA coach. The woman is divorced, her cheating scum-bag ex was a newspaper writer or something who covered the fictional NBA team, so naturally she hates everything basketball related. Her normally upper-brow magazine assigns her a profile piece of local eligible bachelors, one of them being said NBA coach. Naturally the smart, sexy coach refuses to do the interview, but finds himself reluctantly attracted to the writer. Plot spoiler – they end up together. Any ideas?
Can ya’ll help Emily find this book?
by SB Sarah • Monday, February 11, 2008 at 08:47 AM
Thanks to Manna, I’ve been wasting a good half hour watching a black footed ferret have a nap at the Smithsonian Zoo.
I’m also ashamed to admit that I’m jealous of the ferret because I personally would love to nap so hard I can wiggle my feet in my sleep. Alas, it is not to be.
